Can I even call myself Trans?

[Allison Quinn]

One thing that i've been wondering about lately is whether or not I can call myself Trans or not and it has prevented myself from posting in this forum a few times because I don't want to offend anyone =o

So obviously my gender identity doesn't match my sex that much I understand but where the things get a little grey for me are in regards to transition. I would of course love to but i'm held back from doing it for financial reasons, worried about the status of my relationships, professional jobs later on in life and of course the fear that I have because of how people generally treat people like us. Because of those i'm chosen not to transition or at very least not to right now. I'm scared that I may mature into a male further but I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it anyway u.u and that is another topic in its entirety.

What my issue is right now what do I call myself? I view myself as a woman and feel female. I'm trying my best to at least look androgynous of course as well and will be working on my voice soon. The thing is though i'm never going to fully transition physically. I don't want to end up calling myself a trans girl and have people get offended because i'm not transitioning etc. I don't expect people to change my pronouns even when they know because i'm not able to present solely as female, and I don't really expect anything out of anyone i'm more worried about how I view myself and how others view me. Obviously life is life and people will get offended no matter what you do, but am I in a decent guideline here? Can I call myself for what I feel even though I may never get to transition fully or will that cause problems with people or am I something entirely different? :c
Would people get offended if I post here? =o

[whowhatwhen]

Post away and call yourself whatever makes you comfortable and happy.
This forum and it's members are not gatekeepers and as such you do not need to appease anyone.

If you're not already, try talking to a therapist that's knowledgeable on trans issues, even if you don't transition now it's always a good idea to have someone to talk to as you try to work through it yourself.
:)

[Allison Quinn]

Phew that makes me feel a bit better then c: I will post in here then.

I've been procrastinating on that :P There are ones at my school but they don't seem to have any knowledge on the issues. I talked to one of them about and she just told me to get intimate often :| I contacted one who is knowledgeable but I have Medicaid / Public aid while i'm in school so I don't even know what is accepted with that c: and she said she does not! and pointed me to my school xD For now I've got support forums and my friends :D

[Barbie Anne]

Allison imho the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. Nobody, and that includes all of us on this forum truly knows what's going on inside your head. You say you would transition if you could afford it. You say you identify as female. In my personal book that makes you transgendered but my opinion doesn't matter........You are the only person that you have to make happy, and if you're comfortable calling yourself trans, then do it hon. Quit fretting about labels and get on with being true to yourself and enjoying life before it's too late to do so :) I'm 49 and am just starting to figure this out myself.
Don't wait as long as I did to start enjoying life hon. I am by no means old yet, but I missed out on a lot of phases in my girl life.

Live love and be happy ((((( hugs )))))

[LeaP]

1) Call yourself anything you want.
2) Someone is going to get offended no matter what you call yourself.
3) Any member can post here. If you start a new thread the topic needs to be transsexual specific, however.
4) The terminology problem largely goes away if you don't try to stray too far outside the boundaries of your own identity and understanding. Speaking to a transsexual topic from the perspective of someone who is, say, a middle-pather, is very different than the middle-pather telling a transsexual about the transsexual experience.

On transition itself, my take on what you have written is that you not only are not going to transition, but it is the right decision in that your issues don't rise to the intensity that compel it. Moreover, although I think your intent is primarily to be polite, language like "of course I would love to transition" betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of what drives the decision.

[Allison Quinn]

I think your intent is primarily to be polite, language like "of course I would love to transition" betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of what drives the decision.
Possibly, my mom has already told me she wouldn't be able to handle it and as supportive as other people are I know it will affect them too and that has put emphasis on my decision not to. I'm not sure if that's the best idea in the world but for now it seems to work.

"The terminology problem largely goes away if you don't try to stray too far outside the boundaries of your own identity and understanding. Speaking to a transsexual topic from the perspective of someone who is, say, a middle-pather, is very different than the middle-pather telling a transsexual about the transsexual experience."

Understood =) Not like I would be able to contribute because I have not had those experiences first hand. But i'm glad to know it isn't against code to speak to someone who has and still be okay. Those conversations help me kind of grasp how I would feel in those situations if I walk that path.

Thank you everyone c:

[Annaliese]

Allison, this is a site to help one find out who they are, now to define any one, that is up to you. Post and learn and have fun.

[LeaP]

...But i'm glad to know it isn't against code to speak to someone who has and still be okay. :

Allison, there isn't a code so much as it's a matter of participating in a way that makes sense.

I haven't had SRS, for example. So I tend to participate in SRS threads narrowly. Were I to participate in them from some theoretical perspective when the discussion is experience-based, I would likely have my head handed to me. Funny – that's exactly what happened once!

I haven't transitioned yet. So I don't try to over-extend the experience I do have in going out into generalizations about living full-time. The truth is that I really actually know very little about living full-time. It's all second hand.

On the other hand, I've been on HRT for over 18 months. I feel justified and entitled to speak with some authority on that topic. But there are limits even here. I have never taken progesterone, for example, nor can I speak to topics like taking hormones post-orchiectomy.

It's really just a matter of being sensitive to your audience and being aware of your own limitations. Good intentions go a long way in smoothing over bumps in the road anyway. And yours appear to be good.

[Allison Quinn]

It's really just a matter of being sensitive to your audience and being aware of your own limitations. Good intentions go a long way in smoothing over bumps in the road anyway. And yours appear to be good.

Thanks for that :)
And thanks for the examples in that case I can confidently post here then! =) and ahah it is more of a common sense thing then which I can do for sure.
I look forward to learning with all of you then ^^

[traci_k]

Hi Allison, Permit me to echo what some of the other girls have said. Be respectful of what you talk about, talk about what you can speak to from experience. This can be a great place to ask questions of those who have gone before us. Me, I’m 58 and am now having to seriously consider transitioning just as there are quite a few others who like you struggle with identity and how to deal with family. I’ve held back for years because of a wife, son and mother I don’t know how to explain this to and how mom will accept this at her age. But I have been seeing a gender therapist, have a letter to start HRT, but just haven’t been able to pull the pin to destroy my family. You’ll find girls here in all stages from questioning to post-SRS and this is a great place to ask trans-related questions and to help you find you.
As to what to call yourself? That’s up to you, but I refrain from calling myself transsexual at this point out of respect for those girls who have transitioned. I find transgender suitable enough. Talking in PMs or emails with others I will refer to myself as a trans-woman because that is the ultimate direction I am headed in. The key for you is what are you confortable with and if someone hands you your head on a platter, understand why and don’t take it too personally. Living true to ourselves we have to learn to be more thick-skinned.
As Barbie said, don’t wait too long to start enjoying your life and being true to yourself. Take it from another Chicago girl, it would be a shame to miss out on a lot of happiness and have to live with a lot of regret. Forty years ago there weren’t as many options as there are today.
Feel free to PM me, I work on the Northside close to HBHC.

Best Wishes and Hugs,

[Angela Campbell]

where the things get a little grey for me are in regards to transition. I would of course love to but i'm held back from doing it for financial reasons, worried about the status of my relationships, professional jobs later on in life and of course the fear that I have because of how people generally treat people like us. Because of those i'm chosen not to transition or at very least not to right now. I'm scared that I may mature into a male further but I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it anyway u.u and that is another topic in its entirety.



As time goes on you will see a little more and maybe change your mind about some of these things. Most of them like jobs later in life and how people treat people like us.......well I do not know where you are but where I am I have been treated with at best respect and kindness to at worst indifference.


Possibly, my mom has already told me she wouldn't be able to handle it and as supportive as other people are I know it will affect them too and that has put emphasis on my decision not to. I'm not sure if that's the best idea in the world but for now it seems to work.



You would probably be surprised how well a Mom can take it. I thought that too at one time.

Give it time, explore the subject, learn, you do not need to be in a hurry. Do what is right for you and call yourself whatever you feel good with.

[Jorja]

You will notice that I flap my yap all over the place. Only if I have something to contribute though. I have it all, FFS, SRS, ABC123 and have lived for thirty + years in the gender of my choosing which happens to be female. I agree, give it some time, explore the subject, and learn. You might be surprised at just what is possible. Call yourself whatever you like but do not call me late for dinner :). As for Mom, understand that she is worried about you. That is her job. Keep in mind that you can talk about it all you want to. Until you show mom that you are serious and show her that you will succeed no matter what, she is going to worry. With any luck, she will become one of your biggest supporters. I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

[Kathryn Martin]

So obviously my gender identity doesn't match my sex that much I understand ...

Of course you can call yourself whatever you want. But at some point it becomes meaningless and for this reason I disagree with some of the comments made above about what you call yourself. I could call myself the Easter bunny and insist that I should be addresses with the pronouns boo and buns and with the salutation Field and while it may be greatly comforting for me it is equally meaningless.

The real reason though why in my view you should pay real attention to yourself is that quoted statement above. If you do, then in time you will become to understand that the statement made is correct but not accurate in the sense that it leaves something out that is really very important. But for now it's good enough. It is obvious to you that your gender experience does not match your sex. Work with that and hard. The reason I say that is this: if you don't then forever the devil of regret will haunt you because you have not expended enough effort to explore what that really means. It will never go away until you find out. If you do however, you might find out that you are indeed female or male and that will give you peace of mind. If you are female (the 85/15 ration is of course somewhat nonsense because most women and men are not according to the barbie/ken paradigm but rather most have both male and female aspects to their personality) If you find out for yourself that you are female and a woman then this is the best time to transition.

Many people here are what I characterize as late transitioners. They are with all respect to them (in fact I am one of them) in an entirely different situation that you are and accordingly whatever advice they will give you is from a perspective that is very different from yours. Bear that in mind.

I have the privilege to mentor and advise three young women aged 26, 21, 17 in their need to transition now. I have had the privilege to accompany them on their journey from before their transition. I work with their parents as much as I do with them around the issues that are faced by young people transitioning. As a result I have learned and realized how different the questions, issues and problems are.

I wish you luck, fortitude and good decisions.

[KellyJameson]

Welcome to the TS section Allison.

I went through your previous posts to get a sense of you and these words caught my attention.

" I want to be accepted for who I am or not so much accepted just to be left alone :P Your experiences prove that people like us attract attention unless we pass 100%. I'm terrified of going out because I know that even if I am read by just one person I am going to have a terrible reaction internally. So I feel vulnerable not because people don't just accept me but moreso because of the sheer amount of threats in the world that come my way if I am read. Of course they still exist no matter how I am presented but I just have a feeling that I do not need to bring even MORE attention to myself. I just want to blend in and be myself and be looked at as female but in the event that I was presenting female and I was read as male and people said things at my expense I honestly don't know how I would react So when I go out in public I go out in a male shell because that is what makes me feel vulnerable "

I don't care much about words and labels but I do about feelings because it is what we feel that if followed honestly will bring us back to ourselves.

I know that fragile place where anothers words can shatter your soul but try to find the courage to honestly risk living in ways that allow for self exploration.

It is very difficult to know your gender until you actually start living it but this means exposing yourself to the hurt others may inflict on you.

Do what you can to expand your little piece of the world so you have the freedom to explore.

[Badtranny]

You can of course call yourself whatever you want. You are young and for that reason alone, I don't like you. ;-)

...but seriously, many of us would give much of what we've accomplished for self awareness at your age. Alas, most of us suffered through 40 plus years of denial/emotional turmoil before we had the courage to pull the pin on the tranny grenade.

On the internet you are whoever you say you are, but never forget that this forum especially is populated by people who have paid a high price for the 'privilege' of that label. I had a much easier time than many of my contemporaries and it has still been an incredibly difficult experience.

When I came to this forum, I hadn't yet experienced the difficulties of transition but I was willing and I was determined. Nearly 4 years later I am on the other side and I can tell you for sure that transition is not for the timid.

You 'feel' like a transsexual so sure, join the forum and ask whatever questions you need to ask, but be advised that we are by and large a fairly serious bunch and most people who aren't inclined to transition have found themselves offended by our "rudeness".

Having said all that, I truly hope you are able to resolve your identity while you're still young.

[Amy A]

Hi Allison, welcome to the forum. There's plenty of good advice above that doesn't need me to repeat it.

I think that you shouldn't worry as much about other people and their feelings when making this decision. Figure out what is best for you and what you want to do and go from there. Trust me, I felt like you at your age, but didn't have the interweb so had no support or info, and now 15 years later I'm full time and in hormones. It doesn't get easier, the gd just grew inside me and pushed me to the edge.

Also, like Melissa says, some of the girls here who have transitioned will be noticeably more forthright with you and not pull any punches. At first it comes across as a bit scary but once I started full time I understood why they are like that and realised that they were totally right about everything. There are people on here who have been on the brink of deciding to transition for a long time! But you'll get honest advice here, and a good idea of what you may have in store.

Amy :)

[PaulaQ]

@Allison - trans is a reasonable word for you. It's really vague though, and doesn't really mean much of anything. You probably don't want to say you are transsexual - mostly because that term is really being deprecated anyway, and replaced with the generic term "transgender". The "transsexual" members of this forum are distinct as transgender from transgender folks who only cross dress because we've started or mostly completed transition.

"Transsexual" is kind of a problematical term anyway - in some sense it implies someone has had sexual reassignment surgery. This isn't always the case for MtF trans, and is not the common case for FtM trans.

If anyone gives you crap because you haven't transitioned, even though the logistics of transition are really, really hard at your age, just tell them to shove it. I know lots of girls your age who've had a hard time transitioning, not because of equivocation on their parts - but just because young people are easy to mess with, and are often dependent on parents, extended family, and employers.

[FurPus63]

Allison;
Although I sympathize with you. I have to tell you that transitioning is hard. There are many hard choices to make. Life circumstances can get rough. You more than likely will lose family, friends, aquaintances, etc... and finding a job can be difficult. However; it's all worth it! Even though my life circumstances are tough right now, I still get to live my life every day as a woman; and that can't be beat!

You are young. You are in an awesome position to transition. Don't let your fears stop you or you'll end up like me. A middle-aged woman who wishes more than anything she had transitioned 30 years ago. I don't have enough information to judge or detemine why you feel you will never be able to transition. That's very negative thinking. Do you really believe your current life circumstances will never change?

Fear is stopping you. It's paralyzing you. I can feel it when I read your post. Please consider some therapy, and get some professional help with these issues. That's step #1. As for can you post here. Of course you can! I don't see any reason not to do so. GD and being transsexual is something you need to make a decision about. It comes from within. If you feel you are trans, have come to that conclusion in regards to yourself; then write and commment here with confidence. We are a welcoming group here. So welcome!

Paulette

[celeste26]

Just dont wait too long and end up with regrets. Counseling should help you make up your mind, and a good counselor will never "do it for you."

[Michelle789]

Allison, welcome to the TS forum, and yes you are in the right place. The TS forum, as well as any support group, is for anyone who identifies as transgender or is questioning their gender identity. If you're unsure about whether or not you are trans, you are still in the right place. You can also be trans and not transition, although I would recommend you do whatever is necessary to mitigate the GD, and that may mean full transition eventually. If you have obstacles you need to clear first, then clear those obstacles. Even little steps to start mitigating the GD are good. I understand when you're young and in college there are lots financial obstacles since most college aged people don't have lots of money. Also if you transition, you don't need to do full transition, such as you can do HRT, hair removal, and maybe FFS, and no SRS, or delay SRS until later on. You may consider occasional cross-dressing on weekends, and seek out your school's transgender resources. I would highly suggest not getting married or in any serious relationship any time soon, since you may consider transition after you graduate college you don't need to have a wife and kids to complicate things further.

Whatever you do please figure out who you are and do whatever is necessary to fix your gender, and the sooner the better. Only you know if you are trans, no one will be able to tell you if you are trans, and no one will tell you you are not trans. You know the answer, and articles on the internet, the TS forum, support groups, and a gender specialist can all help you to figure it out, but ultimately you know if you are trans.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I am going to see my first gender specialist this week, and I am very much coming to terms with who I am. It's tricky, messy, and complicated. Enjoy the ride!!!

[Eryn]

The title of the forum has to do with the subject matter, not the self-identification of the people posting there. I don't identify as TS yet here I am when something TS-oriented interests me.

We build too many fences when we should be building bridges.

Exceptions to this are the private forums like FAB and GM. They are limited to the groups served in order to serve those groups better.

[PaulaQ]

Possibly, my mom has already told me she wouldn't be able to handle it and as supportive as other people are I know it will affect them too and that has put emphasis on my decision not to. I'm not sure if that's the best idea in the world but for now it seems to work.

Allison, if you had cancer, would you feel the need to apologize for the expense and inconvenience that it causes your family? No? You mean you'd expect they'd tolerate your desire to fight for your life?

This is pretty much the same deal - you have a medical condition. You need medical treatment for it. People don't like the side-effects - too freaking bad for them. Seriously - the hell with other people.

I know that at your age, having unsupportive parents can mean all sorts of unpleasantness like "oh crap, I'm homeless now." But that won't always be the case. And even for less serious issues than being transgender, ultimately you can't live your life for your parents.

Have you contacted any of the local LGBT resources in Chicago? For example:
http://www.centeronhalsted.org/
Most of these places will have support groups for transgender individuals that will likely do you a world of good. They are also often good sources of counseling that is means tested, and also clueful.

[gonegirl]

Allison - welcome to the TS forum. This place is a good resource for information and advice. Some of it is valid and informed, freely offered by people who speak from real-life experience. Be aware though that here's also plenty of uninformed and misinformation available here, offered by people who haven't experienced much (if any) of what they write about. Please keep that in mind when you read and engage in public and offline discussion. Sifting the good from the bad isn't always easy, but if you hang out here for a while and take the time to check out prior posts from the advice givers (and advice seekers) you'll get a better idea of who you really should listen to for advice.

Lastly and most importantly - if you haven't already done so, get yourself to a qualified and experienced gender therapist as soon as you can and tell them everything that's going on with you. You are lucky that you are young and have a chance to figure yourself out early in life. Sooner is definitely better than later.

Good luck, and I sincerely hope you find answers to what is troubling you.

[Allison Quinn]

Just a quick thank you to everyone for all of the advice and words. I have to say the clarity you all have for yourselves is really impressive wow.
I wish I had time right now to respond to everyone but I've got a lecture, two chapters to read, and work today. I'll respond to each of you as soon as I get the chance to. Thank you again :)

Edit:
To everyone thank you again I love having all of the different view points and ideas ways of thinking.

@Traci: Thank you! and paha I have to say we do have a lot of options and resources that's becoming more apparent to me now. Thank you for the encouraging words c: I think I'll join you and just using the term transgender

@Angela So far i've been treated well, but I can't entirely tell if it is because they don't want to assume something and have it be wrong, or if they are simply being polite because I am to them. Those who I have come out to have been fully supportive as well. I'm no longer hurrying or rushing thank you :)

@Jorja pahaha that made me laugh more than it should had. Call me anything just not late for dinner. Hmm thanks for the extra insight on my mom as well. She has told me that numerous times and used the whole "I'm a mom" and "I worry" excuse more times than I could ever possibly count in my life. With being away from her more and more I'm realizing that she is there for me just she wants things to be as easy for me as they can be. perhaps your right and show her that no matter what I can be successful. hmm :3 and hey it's not flapping your yap xP You're knowledge and that's like the best thing to be on the forums!

@Kathryn PM'd

@Kelly The fragile state is scary. I never knew what to call it but you hit it on the head. The words of one person can make or break my day, view on myself, whatever. It's hard to ignore I know that my view should be what matters but until I feel confident it still affects me no matter how much I tell myself to not let it. Thanks to your post I did try some more things. well not your post exclusively but with the influence of other factors as well. I've came out to people I never imagined telling, and i'm coming out to a few more as well. I'm putting myself out of the comfort zone a bit but still picking people I know won't drop me for it. From here I can hopefully find an easier spot to express myself. Also I like the way you write!

@Badtranny That's fine, my age also comes with ignorance and I will make lots of mistakes as well xPand yes on the internet I could be anything. My friend runs a blog on tumblr pretending to be a director or she did I can't remember. Regardless people really think she is him and ask him questions. It is silly but just backs up the fact on the internet we can be anything. But this forum is more of a tool for me to see the experiences people have had to see if I am in need of it. I want to be sure because I am timid. It scares me and I thought I had things figured out but I can really see now that I need to go back to resources and reevaluate. Never apologize for coming off as rude :P! I think a lot of the things people have probably gone through on here give them the right to be a bit short with people actually. It doesn't mean you're bad you're genuinely wishing me good luck so thank you. (unless you're just trying to come off as nice since it's the internet and you can ;p jk)

@@Amy That's what I thought I would hear "it doesn't get any easier" I was hoping it would really. I've put it off growing up thinking it was a phase but I guess not. and congratulations :) And that's good! Honesty is the best course for this in my eyes. I want to know what I need to know, not have things softened because my feelings are going to be hurt, or because I may get scared. We need to know and I want to know. Thank you :)

@Paula there are so many terms it seems that may or may not apply to everyone :P I'm starting to see why the umbrella term Transgendered is much much easier to explain or just relate to. and thank you for that. I haven't gotten much crap yet, one of my friends keeps urging me that I'm going to regret not dropping things and going full throttle to transition right now. That's not a thing I can do. i still need to figure out if it's for me (that's quite clear now) and like you said people around my age are squishy. I at least am not financially stable yet, still need to finish school and my parent's and family are a huge huge HUGE support network for me that I have really taken for granted until I imagined how this might affect them. I'm realizing with the more people I tell though that my family doesn't care and with the insight of a few other members my mom might not even care so much hmm c:
@Paula (second post!) I've been explaining that to my mom, at first I was a little lax on the issue. Last time I spoke with her about it though (yesterday actually) I got really black and white about the need for me to explore this and continue on with it and I think it was the first time she backed down. She didn't tell me something negative about me growing my hair. She just wanted me to do something reasonable to it and trim my bangs since they are in my eyes again. I told her that I will be depressed, terribly low etc. if I don't explore and it was nice to have her not react in a confused manner. As for the resources I haven't yet thank you for providing them though I am collecting them and reaching out. There is a club at my college that I'm going to go to sometime soon (just have to work it in with studying considering I have to study literally the majority of the day xD) I have a test in a week and I think after the test I can go to it's meeting and get some resources. I already emailed the club's admin or whatever it is and he welcomed me to come anytime c: Just have to take the step and get some people locally who have experience and can direct me to some resources c:

@furpus I'll go to someone! Just have to find time and a good person to go to xD thanks for the encouragement :)

@Mich too late for that! My girlfriend and I have been together a little over 4 years now. We don't want kids though and she knows everything so it's a non-issue really :P and hmm is that a thing I can do? Can I do partial transition ? My girlfriend at this point told me she will be fine as long as I don't get SRS and I really don't care about that. I can tuck. the other thing she would not want is for me to get larger breasts than her :| which I find to just be absolutely humorous because THATS what she is worried about xD I have to look into the effects of hormones really and the legal issues it would cause. I think in my state I have to have SRS to have my gender marker changed, and i've gone into conversations with her because I am worried that a situation like this may happen: Go for job interview and have legal male name, and sex on there. Walk in and look nothing like a boy and sound like a female. The confusion would begin there :s I'm going into a field too where I will be working with numerous people who don't know me but must depend on me for health care. My other worry there is I don't want the patients that i work with to be held up on something as meaningless as that when I have to work past their issues and have them trust me. I'm going to actually schedule a time with my teacher soon and talk to her about it and see what she thinks to quell that worry of mine anywho. and I will thanks for the input and offer! :)

@Eryn thank you for that. The mods here are like mega mods I swear. They enforce rules better than any other site i've been a part of. I don't like infractions or being modded so I wanted to be sure I was posting correctly too :P

@s1m0ne - bad sources and good sources this is high school again D: jk =p But thank you for heads up, it seems I will have to weed out the posts where people pretend to have experiences, this is the internet after all as we have discussed I could tell you whatever I want. I'll be reaching out to some resources soon :) and thank you so much dear!

[TessInJxn]

I'm with Corinne. Call yourself whatever makes you comfortable.

I am like you, Allison. My journey into womanhood is hampered by finances, stress on relationships, job security, etc. I'm working through those issues, and others, in my own time. That is all we can do as women. Trans or not.

Be you, be genuine, be comfortable, and people will not likely be offended by any label you choose for yourself. If they are, leave that to them, and move on. Good luck, sister!

[Allison Quinn]

@Tess Let's be the best women we can be and figure this out :) the best part I've been noticing out of this so far is the in our own time. I'm too busy to figure it all out right now. But we can take baby steps :) and in the meantime like you said i'll try to be myself around people. No more façades. I wish you all the luck in the world as well :)

[PaulaQ]

Some answers, in no particular order.

You can transition as much as or as little as you need. To my mind, the goal of transition is to make the social and medical changes necessary to alleviate gender dysphoria to the greatest extent possible. For some, this may mean simply crossdressing most of the time. For others, HRT + living as a woman is sufficient. For others still, all sorts of medical interventions are needed - HRT, FFS, BA, SRS. What it really comes down to is what changes are needed to make you comfortable in your own skin. Nobody can answer this but you - and it can take time to figure this out. Many girls opt to skip SRS because they don't have significant dysphoria about their penis. Also, SRS is expensive, invasive, and has a really unpleasant recovery period.

You can get your Social Security and passport gender marker changed pretty easily. For your driver's license, you'll want to consult a lawyer in your state who knows this stuff. Sometimes just an orchiectomy is sufficient.

Worst case, if you HAVE to have SRS to change your gender marker, but don't want it / can't afford it - just change your name to your female name.

If you develop bigger boobs than your GF, (not real likely unless she's really flat), buy breast augmentation for her - problem solved.

[Allison Quinn]

I'm starting to like this, and the label is becoming less relevant. I was under the impression when I first started researching that all girls have had the SRS, and extra things done and that not many were doing what was needed for them. Oh how uniformed I was. This is making me a happy camper c: and yes the SRS is very invasive, risky, expensive, all of that lovely stuff that surgery comes with :c

I can look into all of that once I get the previous figured out I think c: If I have to do however much or however little to get rid of the Dysphoria I wonder if that will be a requirement for me I have work to do >w<

As for the breasts she is worried about it considering a lot of the girls in my family run large and uhm are rather well endowed and her family runs really really skinny and the are thankfully proportional xP Do you typically grow in like your family would?

[PaulaQ]

Allison, you'll generally be a cup size or so lower than your mom or sister after a couple of years. Speaking generally though isn't very helpful, because it depends on a whole bunch of factors that you don't know in advance:
- your specific genetics
- how well you suppress testosterone
- how well the estrogen protocol you take works for you
- your age and health
Just all sorts of stuff factors into this. It's luck of the draw as best I can tell. Not very many of us go "oh my, I am so upset that I got too big!" A LOT of us get breast augmentation. And if you win the boobie lotto, then like I said, buy her a boob job.

[Allison Quinn]

That's incredibly helpful thank you c:
But I can not help but laugh at it.

I have information to research and things to talk with my SO about c: Thank you so much for the general information everyone and Paula ah thank you so much for the resources and specific answers you are all awesome c:!!

Edit: I told her, she is fine with it now xD

[DebbieL]

One thing that i've been wondering about lately is whether or not I can call myself Trans or not and it has prevented myself from posting in this forum a few times because I don't want to offend anyone =o

You are transsexual. You have two choices:
option 1 - try to please everybody and deny your own existence, continue to live in stealth mode.
option 2 - be yourself and risk offending a small group of people who will be easily offended - they are offended waiting to happen.


So obviously my gender identity doesn't match my sex that much I understand but where the things get a little grey for me are in regards to transition. I would of course love to but i'm held back from doing it for financial reasons, worried about the status of my relationships, professional jobs later on in life and of course the fear that I have because of how people generally treat people like us.

If you want to transition, you are transsexual. Many of us have had circumstances, some of us, especially those born before 1970, had circumstances that were intense. When our generation was your age, the "Cure" for transsexuals in most states was electroshock without a sedative or paralytic (imagine every muscle in your body cramping in extreme pain for 30 seconds to a minute before you finally pass out). Shocking the genitals and chemicals for "Aversion Therapy", essentially torture under the guise of "Medical Treatment". And when that didn't work, they would give us lobotomies to keep us from killing ourselves, possibly taking out others in the process.

In the 21st century, as more of us come out, seek help, and network, it has been possible to conduct surveys and research on hundreds of thousands, even millions of transgender and transsexual people and the research has been shocking. There are more of us than most people ever thought, many of us live in stealth for years or even decades, and many of us didn't transition because the consequences of transition (actual or imagined) were unconscionable.


Because of those i'm chosen not to transition or at very least not to right now. I'm scared that I may mature into a male further but I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it anyway u.u and that is another topic in its entirety.

When do you think you'd like to transition? After you've graduated from college? After you've been married as a man for a few years or a few decades? After you have worked as a man for a few years or a few decades? After your voice has dropped so low that even voice coaching won't help? After you have lost so much hair that you MUST wear a wig every hour you are in public? After your heart attack? After your stroke? After you retire?

THIS IS YOUR LIFE! You may get a chance at reincarnation, I couldn't prove or disprove this. If you want to come back as the kind of girl you'd like to be, rather than a girl in China, Africa, or a Afghanistan or Iran, you probably want to live your life to serve others. But the only thing you can be sure of is that if you want to transition, it will never be easier than it is right now, and it will get harder.

Most of the consequences you fear, will happen anyway, because your inner woman will not allow your male to have anything that is used to prevent her from being your true self.


What my issue is right now what do I call myself? I view myself as a woman and feel female. I'm trying my best to at least look androgynous of course as well and will be working on my voice soon. The thing is though i'm never going to fully transition physically.

Trans-woman would be accurate. Let people you trust get to know Allison, and let them know that it's ALWAYS Allison on the inside.


I don't want to end up calling myself a trans girl and have people get offended because i'm not transitioning etc. I don't expect people to change my pronouns even when they know because i'm not able to present solely as female, and I don't really expect anything out of anyone i'm more worried about how I view myself and how others view me.

Being able to present as female comes with practice. If you DID decide to transition, you would be required to see a therapist who has special training to work with transgender clients. That therapist would give you assignments, starting with getting dressed up, getting in your car, and going for a short drive, or going for a short walk, but not talking to anyone, just walking. Then he or she would have you go to a mall for a few weeks, at first only for a half hour and gradually longer. He would coach you in how to observe women, how they walk, how they sit, how they stand, how they talk, how their pitches vary, and how they frequently use words that are almost forbidden by men, phrases like "That's such a lovely blouse, it looks so elegant", and using the wider range of pitches to express your feelings along with your words.

The better you learn to observe, the more easily you will be able to present. Eventually, you will be able to purchase items at a store, order a meal at a restaurant, and ride public transportation without even being noticed, because you have learned to BLEND. At the same time, when you want to dress to impress, for a special event or social gathering, you will be able to be completely comfortable.

Eventually, you will start living up to 120 hours/week, at which point, you will be able to begin hormones. As your breasts begin to grow, you will become more and more comfortable presenting as a woman, and as your hair grows longer, and you do permanent hair removal, you will begin to reach the point where you will walk out of the men's room when you think you are presenting as male, and the men walking in will back up to make sure they haven't walked into the wrong room. When people start telling you "wrong one, ladies is to the the right", you know you can spend the rest of your life as a woman, and enjoy it.

When you start reporting to work as a woman, you will find that coworkers actually respect you more, because your actions and gestures are more consistent with those of a woman. As a man, you were "too nice, wimpy", but as a woman, you are "Pleasant, elegant". As a man you voice was too high "whiney", as a woman your voice is "powerful, strong". As a man your walk was "faggy", but as a woman, your walk is "graceful".

As a man, you were expected to hold doors for everybody else, including other men, because you weren't an "alpha" male. You were expected to look each man in the eye, and give the polite nod, acceding his control of the territory. Failure to acknowledge an "alpha" was "disrespect" and could get you a world of hurt. As a woman, men are opening the doors at you, smiling politely, and you look them in the eye, with your face forward, giving them a sideways glance and a smile, even flirting for less than a second as a thank you, you might even say "thank you", then move forward as if you were entitled, not even looking back.

Women will respond differently as well. You will look them in the eyes, and they will look you in the eyes, and you will smile at each other because you like each other's hair, earrings, jewelry, or footwear. You won't be looking at their chests, because you will have had the experience of men looking at your chest, and realize how disrespectful that is. It's quite probable that you already look most women in the eye during 95% of your interactions with them, and when you do check out other areas, you are admiring wardrobe and jewelry, not anatomy.

Eventually, women will begin discussing diets with you, as well as recipes, fashion, shopping, and other topics that send most men into coma, but you will find intriguing. You will begin to keep a mental inventory, remembering where you purchased various items of clothing, knowing designers, and knowing when and where to get good bargains.

You'll still be respected as a professional, and both men and women will take you more seriously, because you hit the workplace focused on work and able to get down to business, rather than having to try and maintain the mask and deception of trying to be a man.

Your woman will even begin to empower you to get all the things you wanted but couldn't accomplish as a man, because she didn't want your world to get so big that you wouldn't want to lose your money, power, status, and fame by transitioning. Instead, the woman wants you to be known as a woman, wants you to have money, power, status, and recognition, because it validates who you really are, your true self. As a man, acknowledgements were always accepted with the private thought of "yes, but if you knew I was really a girl, would you be giving this to me?". When you get acknowledgements as a woman, you have the private thought of "YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY REALLY LIKE ME". Sally Field shared the experience of many women, and most trans-women. Being validated as the person you have always wanted to be, and have tried so hard to become, is validation that has no parallel, it goes directly to your heart, and you really feel the joy.


Obviously life is life and people will get offended no matter what you do, but am I in a decent guideline here? Can I call myself for what I feel even though I may never get to transition fully or will that cause problems with people or am I something entirely different? :c
Would people get offended if I post here? =o

I am so glad that you have come here and shared who you truly are. I hope that you will read the experiences of others, from the accomplished post-op to the 60+ year old trans-woman who is still struggling to express their true selves.

If I had known what I know now, when I was 12, or even 15, I would have done everything I could to make sure that I didn't go through puberty as a man, that I got started on hormones, that I went to high school or college as a woman (I went to a women's college and was "one of the girls", even though I presented as a man, at the class reunion last year, nobody was surprised that I was Debbie instead of Rex, and they were very accepting and loving".

I wouldn't have married a woman who couldn't accept me as a woman, and would hold out for a woman who would support, encourage, and even insist on my transition. I had been too badly injured by men to think of them sexually and be comfortable, but I think if I had experienced the courtesy and kindness, I might have been more open to the possibility.

I might not have had the SRS until the mid 1990s, because early viginoplasty operations did not leave you with a functional clitoris. Orgasms were difficult and not possible through clitoral stimulation. The modern methods they have today make proper SRS standard procedure, leaving the woman with the ability to enjoy a very happy sex life.

[Michelle789]

I'd be careful of reincarnation. Here are my problems with reincarnation.

1. There may be no reincarnation. We might cease to exist or go to hell.

2. Even if reincarnation is true, you might get reincarnated as a poor girl in some third world or dictatorship country.

3. Even scarier is if you're reincarnated as a MTF TS, but in a poor third world country (or dictatorship) where you have no opportunity to transition or even cross-dress and are forced to live as a male. Now that's really scary :(

4. If you commit suicide, it will probably bring bad karma causing #2 or #3 above.

5. If you don't commit suicide, can you really wait 50 to 80 more years to be reincarnated as a girl?

When I turned 5 years sober (1.5 years ago), I actually freaked out. Instead of looking forward to my AA birthday (we call them birthdays in California) like I did in previous years, I woke up freaking out how I might have to face living as a male for 50 more years. And even worse, 80 more, because the life spans are increasing and technology is improving health and longevity and I might actually live to be 110.

I started thinking that since I don't drink, don't smoke, eat well, and exercise, that I could face the scary prospect of living literally 80 more years as a male if I don't commit suicide or I don't die in an accident. My grandfather was born in the 1890s, didn't drink or smoke, ate right and was physically active - he lived to see mid 90's. Imagine being born in the 1980s with similar lifestyle and genetics - I could live to be 110 easily.

Oh, and my other grandfather was also born in the 1890s, was a chainsmoker, and lived in a third world country, and still lived to see his mid 70's. Both my grandmothers made it to their mid to late 90's - they were non-drinker non-smoker, ate right, and active too. I certainly have the genetics for a long lifespan.

I wouldn't count on an accident - it's unlikely to die in an accident. I was hoping the psychic would tell me that I would be reincarnated as a girl in my next life, but she never told me that. In fact she eventually told me that she saw more male incarnations - that's when I decided to fire her. I realized that even if she told me that I would be reincarnated as a girl in my next life, I would still be unhappy living as male for 50 to 80 more years.

I started researching my life expectancy, and when I ran everything through a calculator I got 85 to 95 years as my LE - which means 60 years more as a male.

I started researching my chances of dying in various accidents, and realized that even to die in an auto accident (the most likely accident) is less than 1% chance - in my entire life - and the odds of it happening in the next 5 years were, well like 1 in 1000.

Don't count on reincarnation. If you feel a need to transition, then do it. Maybe you'll need to wait a few years and clear obstacles, but begin by clearing obstacles like family, work, and begin hair removal. Try going out dressed as a girl sometimes. And yes, do work with a gender specialist.