I am so stressed, confused, I hate my life, why can't I just be a GG woman...

[Nicole Erin]

Sound familiar? It should, it is a recurring theme around here.
I know some newly transitioning TS think and feel all this.

You know what you can do to eliminate those problems? Cut those people out of your life who are making you feel that way.
YOU KNOW what you are and the ONLY reason you have self hatred over it is because someone in your life is keeping you down.
Hormones, surgery, electrolysis, grooming and dressing well... NONE of that will help if you hang onto those folks who are keeping you in an emotional rut.
The only parts I can afford or have are the grooming and dressing well. I do not have surgery, HRT, and I also do not have ANYONE in my personal life putting me down for being TS.

Once you lose the negative people, (deepen voice tone) the most amazing things happen...

You learn to love yourself. You see "her" in the mirror and despite the flaws, you love what you see. At long last, the woman you were meant to be simply "is". You can shop, work, socialize, eat, sleep, and simply LIVE as a happy woman. You learn to accept your limitations being a TS woman. You tend to quit thinking, "If only I had this or that surgery, it would be better".
Look my sisters, I cannot afford surgeries and honestly, I do not think I would really want any. I love myself too much to risk my health over something superficial.

You go out in the world and yes sometimes people might make snide remarks but it does not matter because you love yourself, as do a few select friends. The remarks or "sir's" become very rare and even then, they do little more than aggravate for a quick moment instead of ruining your day.

Your favorite things to wear - what used to cause nervousness (for me it was skirts and heels) will become what you embrace most.

Your TS status is seldom, if ever, an issue. You even quit obsessing about "passing" because once you learn to be happy in your own skin, passing doesn't seem to matter. You do your best and people can take it or leave it. Thoughts like, "what will they think?" become obsolete.

You learn to go through the world living a normal life. You start doing what you want as a woman.

Finally, your confidence grows. Silly limits like "the sky" start to seem restrictive.

So for those who are still in turmoil, just letting you know what awaits and the way to find that point. Eliminate restrictions (like hateful people in your life) and total liberation will be yours. When you get here, stop and say "Hello" to those of us looking DOWN at the sky and wondering why it is so limited.

[lizaw101]

How incredibly well said. We tend to create tension in our lives beard on other people's views and perception instead of our own.

Thank you for articulating this so clearly. Time to rod ourselves of all this unwanted and unnecessary remain and live as who we can be

[Persephone]

Well said!

I think that our own fears belong somewhere in the equation too. I spent years worried about what my friends would think only to finally find out that they loved me enough to accept me.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[PretzelGirl]

Erin, I love the many takeaways you have there.

Myself, I am prepared to lose friends and it probably helps that I don't have many I am close to anymore on my old self side. Most of my friends are on Sue's side. The rest seem to be staying in touch with my past. But we can't always cut people out that make us feel stressed and confused. Why? Because I am looking at her in the mirror. I am one that owns everyone else's feelings and yes, I need to get over that. I firmly believe this state is just here only for the start and once I am open with all, those feelings will vanish as reality is present. "We have seen the enemy and it us" sometimes applies too and does for me. Hopefully not for the long haul.

But I do ascribe to not letting others get us down. We want the world to get better, but we also don't have to personally own every iota of it too. I have a friend that takes everything personally, even if it is 2000 miles away. She never seems happy and life should be about happiness. It saddens me to see her that way, but there isn't anything I can do for her. Just as I am struggling with owning all the reactions I perceive when I come out, her owning of everything negative to the "T" community is something she has to work on herself.

[trishacd]

I have never told any of my friends about my dressing. I really think the only people who understand are mostly other cds. if you ever want someone to talk to about being a gurl let me know ive been one forever and its a part of me I enjoy. Remember its not only that they may not except you they may tell the world .

[MsVal]

Is it valid to develop a good healthy dismissive attitude?

If it is true that you can't please everyone then it must also be true that you're going to make someone unhappy. So therefore, in a life lived well, there will always be a subset of people that do not like you or what you are doing.

So, given that they certainly will exist, isn't it about how you deal with them that matters? You can dwell on changing the unchangeable, or you can accept that they are among those that don't like you and dismiss their attitudes.

I love me, and if you do not also love me, you must obviously be quite uninformed. The line for uninformed people is over there.

Best wishes
MsVal

[gonegirl]

trishacd - I'm sure you mean well, but Nicole isn't talking about the activity of cross dressing, nor is she a cross dresser. That's nice that part of you has been a "gurl" forever, but that hasn't anything to do with being transexual.

[Angela Campbell]

Remember its not only that they may not except you they may tell the world .

I think the world already knows....anyway...


In my life I really cannot be around anyone who cannot accept me as what I am. If they have problems with it at all, then I am not going to be spending time with them. Simple as that. I have enough to do and work through that I cannot be bothered with anything less. Fortunately this has not been an issue with few exceptions. Two in my family avoid me, but other than that I am surrounded by those who interact with Angela as she is. At work, socially and with family. Maybe I am lucky.

[Jessicah]

Great post Nicole.

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." -William Shakespeare.

The only problem I see with "weeding" out those who stand in our way, is that sometimes we are our own biggest obstacle. Self-doubt, fear and even shame can and does cause many of us to spend years, decades and even entire lifetime to come to grips with who we are. It's also the reason most of us will need a therapist to challenge us, to bring to light the real questions we should have been asking all along... which is a tie-in to my quote from old Willie. I just happened to read that one day and it all clicked for me. If I can't be true to me, then most every relationship that I'm in is at best an illusion and at worst a complete falsehood.

It would be preferable for friends and family to love me for who I am, but if they can't or aren't willing to understand or compromise, then there just can't be an on-going relationship (that's not to say that we couldn't be civil if the need to be in the same room is required).

[sissy2_amberlee]

Thanks to MsVal for the following;

'I love me, and if you do not also love me, you must obviously be quite uninformed. The line for uninformed people is over there."

Truer words were never spoken.

[Rachel Smith]

Nicole Erin
Your TS status is seldom, if ever, an issue. You even quit obsessing about "passing" because once you learn to be happy in your own skin, passing doesn't seem to matter. You do your best and people can take it or leave it. Thoughts like, "what will they think?" become obsolete.

This is what I found to be most true. I am finally happy in my life since going full time. If someone happens not to like it too bad for them.

[arbon]

When you are okay with yourself all the negative people and what they think don't matter so much. Getting to that place where you do care about yourself and are comfortable with who you are that is the hard part.

[whowhatwhen]

That's the thing though, some of us are way too early to do that.

Sure, I could tell everyone "call me this and use these pronouns", legally change my name and all that other stuff but the thing is I still pass as male 95% of the time.
From my point of view, at least for me, you've gotta meet the people half way.

If I were to try going full time right this minute I guarantee the stress and crap would be overwhelming, I'm not going to suffer needlessly until I'm ready to present fully and I get gendered correctly more than 75% of the time.

E:
This post is unbelievably grammatically incorrect.

[LeaP]

...I'm not going to suffer needlessly until I'm ready to present fully and I get gendered correctly more than 75% of the time.


I don't know, Corinne - maybe even 25% correct is better than 100% wrong?

[whowhatwhen]

Those aren't current values though :P
While it may be wrong to me, the average person is still going to see a man and address me as such.

[arbon]

How do you know that Corinne? Your avatar looks female to me.

[whowhatwhen]

That was pro done with lots of makeup.
Which to be honest I'm not thrilled about having to use in the future.

How I actually look is in the safe haven pics thread.

[Angela Campbell]

you can do it Corinne, practice, practice, practice.....

[TessInJxn]

Good advice. Thanks for your perspective.

[DebbieL]

I wish I knew at 20 what I know at 58. Actually, I wish I knew at 10 what I know now.

Unfortunately, I also know things now that I wasn't told at 10, because it would literally have killed me.

I had always wanted to be a girl, but when I was in 1st grade, and they tried to force me to be one of the boys, I became even more clear that I hated being a boy and wanted to be a girl. What I didn't know is that my parents were trying desperately to keep me from ending up in a psych ward getting daily electroshock without sedatives, having my genitals shocked, and being tortured. They were also afraid that my instinct was so strong that such cures would fail and they would resort to a lobotomy, turning me into a vegetable.

What if they had known that going through puberty would cause me to become suicidal, trying to commit "suicide on the installment plan", turning to drugs, booze, and shooting my mouth of in dangerous situations. What if they had known that I would almost die several times? What if they knew that I would get married to a wife who would insist on a platonic relationship - for 9 years - and would somehow have 2 children, which I wouldn't see more than a few hours every 2-3 years? What if they had known that I would attempt to transition at 30 and would be forced to quit because my visitation and my parental rights were about to be revoked? What if they had known that I would gain over 150 lbs, have a heart attack, a stroke, and another heart situation?

What if they had known how much happier I was once I began living full time as a woman?

I'll never know for sure, because my father died before I transitioned for the third time. What I do know is that he knew about Debbie and said "If I can give you nothing else, I want you to be yourself, even if that's Debbie".

My second wife's family didn't think they would like Debbie, until they actually met her this Thanksgiving, then they liked her so much that they gave Debbie all the Christmas presents, and were grateful that Rex didn't show up. My father-in-law even likes Debbie better. At church, people just want to make sure they know the right name, because they like this pretty girl a LOT more than they liked the boy.

Even at work, they like Debbie more than they liked Rex.

Rex had a high voice that people thought was a "whine" and too shrill. When Debbie uses the same voice, it's a lovely and pleasant voice.

Rex was "too nice" - and was too much of a wimp. Debbie is a nice lady and easy to work with.

Rex was an intellectual bully, Debbie was really smart, knew her stuff, and was happy to take input from others.

The reality is that I was never at home in my body as Rex, but as Debbie, I have found that I can literally be myself, do very little to be more feminine, and yet being feminine just comes naturally.

The one I found most amazing was when Lee introduced me to one of her friends who hadn't seen me in a few years. She asked if she had met Debbie, and then said "he used to be Rex". It still didn't click, so I said "I used to be her husband, now I'm her wife". She looked very carefully, not believing I had ever been a man, and finally said "Wow, I never would have known, my sister's husband transitioned a few years ago".

Parents have asked to sit at my table at church functions, and the kids ask me questions, and I ask them about their favorite things. I begin to realize that some of these kids are also a bit transgendered, but not unusually so. The little girl who like electricity and magnets, or the boy who likes his long hair and doesn't like soccer as much as just reading a good book.

Parents and children, people from church, all seem to want to open up to me. They have questions, but they can see how much happier I am.
I have been on hormones, and my breasts are now too large to hide, even under a baggy dress shirt, but even if I could, I don't want to. I'm happier, healthier, more focused, and more calm than I have ever been, because I don't have to put so much effort into maintaining the mask, the character, that I created so Rex could survive in a world that has change radically over the years.

Did I have rough days? Yes
Do I still think I'm not pretty enough? Yes, just like real women.
Do I still think I could look better? Yes, like any other woman.
Do I want to lose a few more pounds? Yep, just like other women.

But when women trade beauty secrets with me, share recipes, or talk about diets with me, I know they are accepting me as one of them, and I am so happy. I love that I can compliment a woman on a fashion choice, how she has done her hair, or her jewelry, and not have to worry that she thinks I'm trying to make a pass at her. Sometimes, she will even tell me where she got the pretty dress, or the great boots, or whatever else I'm admiring, and sometimes I check those places out, and find something nice for me.

I also get compliments, and have become better at sharing here I bought my outfits, even knowing the designer, and how much I saved.

[arbon]

How I actually look is in the safe haven pics thread.

Looking at that picture in SH, I think you would be able to be gendered correctly most of the time. You have a nice face, you don't look masculine at all.