Help...

[princessheather86]

~Disclaimer: For the record, I have very little experience with issues of being transgendered, gender dysphoria, etc. My intention is not to cause offense or trivialize anyone's experiences. If I say something that is offensive, please call me on it as I only wish to treat people with the respect they deserve. Thank you.~

So, I know I'm still a new poster here, but I feel like this community is very welcome and understanding and I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to. First, a bit of background. I'm 27, a college student, and I've been having feelings of what I think might be gender dysphoria for a long time. It's only recently that I've come to think it might actually be gender dysphoria, and not just depression/anxiety/general feelings of being unhappy with my body caused by something else. This is why I would really appreciate some feedback or advice from someone who has experience with this kind of thing.

In short, I’ve wished I was a girl all my life, but I always dismissed it as something impossible. “I want to be a girl more than anything, but I'm a boy and there's nothing I can do” has basically been my mantra. Of course I was aware transgendered people existed, but I only had a very vague understanding of it until fairly recently.

A few things I'm sure of;

-If there were a way I could just flip a switch and become a girl, with everything that implies, but it was completely irreversible... I would do it without any hesitation at all. It's something I've thought about frequently and it's something I desire more than anything else and have always assumed is impossible.

-The prospect of surgery terrifies me. Not the “changing my body” part, but the “going under the knife and potentially having complications/dying on the table/horrible pain” part.

-I've suffered from depression and had suicidal thoughts in the past. I don't know if it's related or not as I never really identified the source.

-I'm only attracted to girls, so I'm not sure what that makes me. Although it's weird having a mixture of attraction and jealousy/envy when looking at girls my age.

What prompted this post was, yesterday I was trying on some (boy) clothes, since I go back to college this week, and when looking at myself in the mirror I basically broke down crying. It was like looking at a stranger. I just had this overwhelming feeling of wrongness, like I wasn't really looking at myself. I've calmed down since then, but I still have this feeling of having broken glass in my lungs.

Unfortunately I'm pretty certain my family would not respond well to this if I told them... my dad has some antiquated views about transgendered people. He believes being transgendered is a mental illness and that they need treatment to “convince them” that they aren't actually in the wrong body. My brother is much the same and thinks transgendered people are freaks/perverts. On the plus side, it probably won't be much longer before I am able to move out of home and support myself, so I could at least stop being dependent on them.

I'm not sure what all of this means... all I'm sure of at this point is that I'm very confused.

That's all I can think of right now. I feel a bit better just typing this out, so thanks for reading and have a nice day.

~Heather

[celeste26]

Welcome princessheather you are not alone, most of us have gone through much the same things as you have and succeeded in the end. Keep reading the posts here to get to know what others think you'll find they are not that much different. Probably the first suggestion most of us would give is to find a gender therapist, one with experience in dealing with these sort of issues. Any good therapist will not offer answers so much as enable you to focus better on the proper issues, to develop your own answers.

There is much wisdom here we have centuries of experience when it is all added up. So feel free to ask questions. The best answers come from experience not from theory.

[Michelle789]

Welcome to the forum princessheather :)

I can relate to a lot of the things you said.


If there were a way I could just flip a switch and become a girl, with everything that implies, but it was completely irreversible... I would do it without any hesitation at all. It's something I've thought about frequently and it's something I desire more than anything else and have always assumed is impossible.

I feel that way too. Lots of us do too, we would be happy to be girls forever.



The prospect of surgery terrifies me. Not the “changing my body” part, but the “going under the knife and potentially having complications/dying on the table/horrible pain” part.

There is no requirement that you have to undergo any surgeries. There are many paths to transition. Some of what I have seen on this forum and in support groups includes
- Hormones only (this is rare but in rare cases it alleviates the GD)
- Living fulltime as a woman, no hormones or surgeries, maybe hair removal
- Dual gender (switching between both male and female) - this is more common with cross-dressers and dual gender, which doesn't sound like you (you want to be a girl permanently)
- HRT, hair removal, living full-time as a woman (FFS is a maybe) - FFS and SRS are not required
- Full transition (HRT, hair removal, living full-time as a woman, FFS, SRS)

Most of us want hormonal congruence between our bodies and our minds. But no surgeries are required. Some of us fear surgeries, some of us can't afford surgeries, some of us have medical reasons not to get surgeries. Many of us desire some or all surgeries. Some of us don't need surgeries - we may be perfectly content keeping our male parts, or may pass well without FFS.





I've suffered from depression and had suicidal thoughts in the past. I don't know if it's related or not as I never really identified the source.

Many of us suffer from depression and anxiety. I have severe depression and anxiety too. I have never been officially diagnosed as having depression and anxiety, and am not on any anti-depressants, but when I read this article, it struck a raw nerve and I relate to points 1-7 in this article. I don't relate to #8 because I have not started HRT, although many of us find serious relief once we're on HRT. I've seen some relief in #1-7 since I fired the psychic last summer and joined this forum. I think the article mentions that even baby steps towards transition starts eliminating some of the depression & anxiety, although HRT brings the major relief.

http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/


I'm only attracted to girls, so I'm not sure what that makes me. Although it's weird having a mixture of attraction and jealousy/envy when looking at girls my age.

Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are completely different things. It's perfectly okay to be a lesbian. You can be a woman and attracted to women. Also, sometimes your sexual orientation may change (or more likely you discover your true sexual orientation) and you may be attracted to men, women, or both. Also I get jealous and envious when I look at girls my age, I always have since I was a kid.


On the plus side, it probably won't be much longer before I am able to move out of home and support myself, so I could at least stop being dependent on them.

I would definitely get a job, and move out of your parents house, and become financially independent of them. It will make life a lot easier. Also, you will need to become emotionally independent of them. That is a tricky part, because although I'm independent and live 3000 miles away from my family, I still feel a strong sense of guilt that if I tell them that I'm trans that I'm somehow disappointing them and betraying them. And you need to be prepared that they may not want anything to do with you either.

[PaulaQ]

To be honest, you sound like someone who is transgender, and who is suffering from fairly significant gender dysphoria. The episode with the mirror, amongst other things, is very telling. Really, most of the things you said are consistent with someone who has gender dysphoria.

And yes, depression and suicidal thoughts are very common amongst trans* people. Those feelings you've had in the past could absolutely be symptoms of GD.

Given that you are presenting this way - I think you really need to find, and speak with, a gender therapist and figure out what's really going on, because suicidal thoughts are serious, and if they are indeed related (and they probably are, unfortunately), you need treatment.

Fortunately nobody says you have to have surgery. Indeed, you may only need HRT to feel pretty normal.

I can relate to pretty much all of the stuff you said - I've experienced all of those things, and more, and they were all gender related.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your folks. They'll be on board, or they won't. Ultimately you can't let them stop you from getting medical treatment, although I realize that if you depend on them for support, taking actions they don't approve of can mean homelessness - which is something you want to AVOID.

Your confusion is quite understandable. Gender issues are confusing, and are hard to figure out. Getting professional help can make a big difference. Feel free to ask any questions, either in the thread, or via PM if you find someone who seems to relate to your experiences.

The symptoms you describe are pretty common for GD. The amount of emotional distress you describe suggests you'll likely transition at some point. I'm really sorry to tell you that.

[princessheather86]

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

@celeste26, thanks, I'll keep reading what people have posted here. I've also been looking up tons of info elsewhere. I'm going to look into finding a gender therapist as well... I just hope I can find something affordable.

@Michelle789, reading that article hits really close to home. Everything it describes lines up perfectly with my own feelings, it's uncanny! Obviously I can't know if it's the result of dysphoria in my own case... but it's heartening to know that someone was able to recover from all those awful feelings.

I actually brought up the orientation thing because I have read that hormone treatment can actually change a person's orientation, which seems very strange as I always thought of it as something immutable. But it's not a big deal, I don't really have a problem with it at all.

I'm definitely not feeling like I have a "dual-gender," I don't and have never felt any attachment or "loyalty" to masculinity, it's always felt like something alien/artificial. The thought of being a girl sometimes but then having to go back is depressing.

@PaulaQ, I should mention that I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but I have never attempted suicide, and wanting to is the furthest thing from my mind right now.

Regarding moving out, I plan to do that sometime in the next year or so after I've saved some money. (since I'm a full-time student, I get a small stipend from the government, so I'm not totally without resources... so all I have to do is stay in classes and keep my grades up...) I'd need to at least get a part-time job, though, as renting apartments in my city can be quite expensive.

Anyway, thanks again for all your replies. I'm searching online for info about gender therapists in my city... then there's just the matter of building up the courage to actually make arrangements...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I felt exactly the same way..

I wanted to be a girl growing up... I didn't "know" I was a girl... I thought about it all the time, but I put it out of mind.. I felt it was impossible, so I made due..

I was terrified of surgery..

I liked girls and was attracted to women but found over time that I was actually making that up...my sexuality was a fraud..

I grew up and got married and had a family... that feeling you are having now was dormant as I worked 80 hour weeks and raised 2 kids with my wife...

I recall many many times looking at "myself" in the mirror and feeling strangely confused and disturbed in an indescribable way (unless you've felt it yourself...and I think you have)

Over time I became unable to function and I depression set in at which I decided I was better off blowing up my life to live as myself.

------

That's just to share that you are far from alone in this.

Your best bet is to find a therapist and muster up the courage to make the call... I was in my 40's and I had a therapists number in my pocket for months before I called!!!

[Angela Campbell]

What you describe is the life story of almost any transsexual. You will see it and hear it over and over. It is so common. It is my life too. It is not an easy one but it is interesting. Welcome to the club.

[princessheather86]

Thanks for replies... the more I think about it, the more I feel like it might actually be gender dysphoria... reading other people's stories is like reading my own, it's like I've been assembling a jigsaw puzzle my whole life and it's only just now I can see what it is...

[Tina955]

Princessheather, I can relate to EVERYTHING you said. And I am 58, and widowed 4 years now after 34 years of marriage. Two adult children and a grandson. Not making light of your situation at all, but the older you get the more you have to contend with. I myself realize I need to see a gender therapist, but the closest is 2 hours away. And depression and anxiety have been unwanted companions my entire life. So I feel your plight, and hope you find some resolution and contentment in your life.

Tina

[dreamer_2.0]

It's as if I could've written the OP virtually word for word. We have near identical thoughts, feelings, even the same mantra. I'm 32 and recently came to believe I'm transgendered, though some doubt still lingers. Sadly I can't offer many answers as I'm still searching for so many myself, but it's a pleasure to meet someone else who feels the same as I do.

Welcome to the forum!

[trisha kobichenko]

hi,
like many of the responses so far, your experience is not that far from what a lot of 'us' have experienced. I am still coming to grips with it, after several decades of work. You can't 'flip a switch', but you can accept that gender identification is a spectrum. And, that while cultural expectation is that male or female orientation is societally percieved as a 'this or that', it is in reality a 'this and that', which allows us (me anyway) to accept where we fall on the gender indentification spectrum. I am both, it seems and love the fact that I can choose to be m & f at the same time

[Rianna Humble]

Hi PrincessHeather, :welcom: to the Transsexual Forums, I certainly think that you are posting in the right place, and am sure you will find out for yourself how helpful people here can be.

I would definitely encourage you to consult a reputable gender therapist as soon as possible.

[princessheather86]

Hello again, I just wanted to thank you all again for your support and post a small update.

As you know, I've been thinking long and hard about gender dysphoria and the possibility I might have it... I'm still not sure if I'm any closer to an answer. I had my first college class of the semester today and I couldn't concentrate on it at all. It's just been consuming my every thought. Most of all, I feel like the possibility I may have gender dysphoria has given context to a whole range of negative feelings I've had my entire life...

I'm not sure how I feel about the possibility that I am in fact transsexual and may have to undergo transition. I feel like being physically female is something that I greatly desire and I already feel deep regret that it's taken me 27 years of my life to understand this... like I wasted all that time being someone else. I am also under no illusions that it would be an easy or pleasant experience. I read the first chapter of "So You Want To Be A T Girl." (a lot of it made sense but some of it seemed questionable, can anyone vouch for this book?) I know transitioning is very difficult for a whole host of reasons... but if it's my only option... what else is there?

I have also done some Googling to find a reputable gender therapist in my city. Fortunately there seem to be several within driving distance of where I live, so getting there isn't an issue... I'm just having trouble finding one with a lot of positive referrals as information is very lacking in this area. I want to make sure I get the best possible advice so I don't make some terrible mistake...

I really wish I had someone to talk to in my own life... I can't tell my family for the reasons mentioned above, and I have no real friends at college. (a few acquaintances, but nobody I could confide in for something this major) It's very difficult for me to take the first step of reaching out to someone in real life as I'm a very shy/nervous person, especially with issues of sex/sexuality. (the other day I was buying a new pair of shoes and I was almost too shy to approach the cashier) Since I've never even come close to being in a position where I'm actually full time, (the most I've done is grow my hair long, shave my arms and legs and try to dress in a somewhat gender-neutral way... the thought of people looking at me and seeing a boy actually embarrasses me) I feel like if I just made an appointment and showed up, in my boy clothes, with a normal, boy haircut and boy voice, they'd call me a fraud...

Anyway, I just needed to get a few more things off my chest... thank you for reading.

~Heather

[Rianna Humble]

Most colleges have quite good LGBT support groups, you may even find they have a group specifically for transgender. That could be a good place to start, they would probably be able to tell you which of the Gender Therapists you found have the best reputation.

[princessheather86]

Sorry, this is just a follow up to my last post... I wanted to respond in a bit more detail to a few things. (I'm not trying to be the center of attention by posting so much in this thread, it's just very helpful for me)


Princessheather, I can relate to EVERYTHING you said.

Not making light of your situation at all, but the older you get the more you have to contend with. I myself realize I need to see a gender therapist, but the closest is 2 hours away.

No, I understand completely. I don't think you're making light at all. I do feel somewhat lucky in that I'm still in my 20's and don't have any serious attachments like a wife/children/a career. I'm now stricken by a great sense of urgency as I don't want to waste any more time... that is, if transitioning is something I actually need to do. I hope you can make time to see a therapist and figure out your own situation.


It's as if I could've written the OP virtually word for word. We have near identical thoughts, feelings, even the same mantra.

This seems to be a recurring theme... so many people have told me how familiar my story sounds, and I've felt the same way when reading other people's stories. Thanks for the welcome I hope we can both find some answers.


while cultural expectation is that male or female orientation is societally percieved as a 'this or that', it is in reality a 'this and that', which allows us (me anyway) to accept where we fall on the gender indentification spectrum. I am both, it seems and love the fact that I can choose to be m & f at the same time

Thank you. I'm not sure I can relate to being able to choose to be male or female... given a choice I would choose to only be female as I feel that's what I'm like inside, but it's been suppressed/supplanted by this fake male persona that's been imposed on me.


Most colleges have quite good LGBT support groups, you may even find they have a group specifically for transgender. That could be a good place to start, they would probably be able to tell you which of the Gender Therapists you found have the best reputation.

Yeah, there is an LGBT club at my college, although it's just a student club type group and unfortunately doesn't seem to be very active right now. I did get their email address though, so I think I'll contact them and hopefully move forward from there. I feel like I have to take baby steps because I'm too afraid to "jump in with both feet."

Thanks again and take care,

~Heather

EDIT: Another small update, I sent an email to the LGBT club at my college and I'm waiting for their response.