Questions, questions, questions

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi Girls,

Wow, this could be difficult. First I want to apologise. I sometimes post questions but am very bad when it comes to responding to your (generally) helpful comments. I do appreciate and take your advice and should say so at the time. Please forgive....

I am reticent to post questions following Karissa's understandable rant and hope this post isn't trivial. I don't know entirely what I want or where I am going. If it is not an unacceptable illustration I feel a bit like a little girl growing up and discovering the complexities of being a woman. Many things to learn and experience. I'm not finding things easy at the moment in life in general and maybe crossdressing should be a relaxation for me. I say 'should be' because it isn't. The reasons are plentiful and raise questions.....

I am an extremely unladylike man. I am hairy all over. I am severely overweight. I have a deep voice. I have a manly gait and the build of a rugby player! I am on my own, both personally and as regards friends, male or female. I enjoy crossdressing and want to do it more but.....hence this waffly post. I don't feel very ladylike even when dressed even though I try. I want to be sexy and desirable but I'm not - period!

I can't indulge in retail therapy, because I am hopefully losing weight (gym and diet) so anything I buy has a very limited life and I don't have limitless funds. And I can't find clothes to fit me comfortably anyway. What do I do? Most of the clothes I have are from a time when I was lighter although I do have larger dressier clothes so I can't even crossdress casually. Wearing a basque is not really appropriate for just lounging around the house. Panties aplenty but I haven't even got a proper sized bra - ludicrous eh?

I want to shave, not only my legs but all over but I can't reach. I have no friends close enough to ask? How do I explain it to my personal trainer at the gym? Or indeed other people who will notice and know of and disapprove of my crossdressing?

I want to get my ears pierced - see shaving above! I'm not a trendy young male who can explain it as a fashion statement. What do I do?

I'm incredibly frustrated. There's this strong desire to crossdress and just so many problems associated with it. I honestly don't know what to do.

OK so today is probably not a good day to consider this problem as I'm not exacty feeling very positive about anything but this is something that's been on my mind for some time. I feel like giving up, not because of guilt or relationships but just because it's so bloody hard!

I'm afraid this feels like a pretty useless post but I will read and try to take on board any comments that anyone makes. Thanks for reading anyway.

Emma

[Jodi Lynn]

Hi Emma, I know what you mean. I have felt the same way many times over the years. 1st shaving, if anyone say something tell them you don't like hair and you wanted to try smooth for a change. I have never been asked about being hairless myself. 2nd, as for the earrings, when I had mine done about 5 years ago, I was thinking the same thing about not being a young person with pireced ears, but then I got to thinking I would tell other I was having a mid-life crisses (sp). I was 47 at the time. I wear studs when in male mode and the fancy ones when dressed. I am also a large girl and I can find alot of nice things in my size. Hope you feel better about yourself sister.

[TGMarla]

You know what, Emma? I've never been out, and I don't think I look very much like a girl, either. I am at the point where I think, well, maybe I could pull it off.....but I really am too scared to, because I take one look at myself, and all I see is me in a dress and a wig. Really. I'm just not there yet. I don't have a hairy chest, but I don't have any problem sprouting weeds on my face, my legs aren't shaved, and my forearms aren't either. Why the heck do you think all my pics have long sleeves? If I wear something sleeveless, everyone would know I was a guy without even thinking about it. It would be like, "Hey, look at the guy in the dress...." So I know how you feel. I just stay indoors and use my imagination. I'm a lot prettier if I use a little imagination.

[Sarahgurl371]

Emma,
I hope your are feeling better, I too know what you feel. I will say that this is mostly a state of mind anyway. As for looking good, I really don't care much about it en drab. but when en femme, its very important. I have recently discovered why there are so many styles of women's clothing. They have just as varying body types as we do. I just looked around online, and compared body features of people and looked for something similar to myself, and got that type of clothing that looked good on them. We all have things that we would change if we could, even GGs.

I found that trying to look like a twenty year old hottie, doesn't really work for me. I am more of a flowing and casual type.

As for earrings, and shaving, just do what makes you happy. Nobody but my wife and I see my body that naked anyway. But I know how you feel. I have my one ear peirced, did it as a teen, now I am scared to get the other done. What will they say? I do not think most people really think about themselves as critically as we do. It might really not be a big deal.

I hope you feel better. This can all be so damn depressing at times. Just another reason why I say we do not choose this. Why the hell would I?

[Julie York]

Crossdress from the neck up.



NO! Really! Have you ever really I mean REALLY played with makeup? It comes off and on and off and on. You can play with it and all the other stuff doesn't come into it. Make your face look lovely and you'll have a wonderful time.
As someone scared of the stuff (it might not come off!) I am maybe being a bit flippant but it is sensible advice. It is something you can enjoy without shaving legs or all the other problems.

I do understand your urge and your disappointments though. I think most of us feel that way when we have an image in our heads that can't be achieved.

[uknowhoo]

:hugs: I'm sorry you're feeling down, sweetie.

First off, please don't apologize for your post. One of the best things about this place is that we can all come here to support each other... in triumphs, in confusion, in sadness, whatever (I don't believe Karrisa's rant wasn't about threads like this anyway).

I would venture to say most of us (well except Sherlyn of course LOL) have nagging doubts and struggle with our femme image. It seems to me that it starts between our ears, in our own minds, with self-acceptance. It would seem you may be struggling with that right now. So, what can you do about it? I know coming here is has been very theraputic for me. That said, you may want to consider talking to someone else about these issues as well, in greater detail. Two years ago, when I was having serious issues with self-acceptance, I sought out a (GG) therapist. Not having found this place yet, I felt was all alone in this, conflicted, and alot of guilt. She helped me work through some of that and put me on the road to where I am today. While I haven't quite reached it, I'm lightyears down the road to self-acceptance compared to just 24 months ago.

Good luck Emma, and please do keep in touch. Whatever you do going forward, just remember to love yourself, be kind and compassionate towards yourself. The rest should flow from there.

Hugs,

Tammi

p.s. while you might not be ready to take the plunge... if you want to shave and/or get pierced, go ahead and do it for you. Your trainer, friends etc. aren't living their lives for you, don't you live your life for them either.

[kathy gg]

HI Emma,

Ya know you said something which is something you could find women (gg's) talking about all over the world at the very moment:

"I am extremely unladylike, I am severely overweight. I have the build of a rugby player! I am on my own, both personally and as regards friends, male or female. I don't feel very ladylike even when dressed even though I try. I want to be sexy and desirable but I'm not - period!

I can't indulge in retail therapy, because I am hopefully losing weight (gym and diet) so anything I buy has a very limited life and I don't have limitless funds. And I can't find clothes to fit me comfortably anyway. What do I do? Most of the clothes I have are from a time when I was lighter I haven't even got a proper sized bra - ludicrous eh?"

I know women who could easily have made the above statement. I dont' know if it is any comfort at all, but just know that the feelings you are feeling (just minus the crossdressing parts) are so commom and so real for many females in the world.

Struggeling with weight, self esteem issues, and just a feeling of never being that girl on the magazine cover is something so many of us have to work through our whole lives. There is also that moment in time when one graduates from the regular size stores to the plus size stores that you jsut begint to dread and loathe the whole shopping process.

As for your issues with what you can get away with without being hasseled, well you know the environment that you have to live and work in better than any of us here. If shaving or getting ears pierced are not in your future then as Julie said, do what you can do and enjoy that as much as possible.

I dont' what else to say that has not already been said, but just know that you are not alone in those feelings.

Hugs and take care

[mistunderstood]

Hello Emma. I just wanted to say I think you are pretty. I am a woman by birth and am starting to look in to changing my sex. I also am a big girl and i still have trouble finding a bra-size that looks right. So do not worry you will. If you like you can e-mail me and may-be I could help in that department. Just and idea,what ever you are comfortable with.

mistunderstood

[serinalynn]

You know what, Emma? I've never been out, and I don't think I look very much like a girl, either. I am at the point where I think, well, maybe I could pull it off.....but I really am too scared to, because I take one look at myself, and all I see is me in a dress and a wig. Really. I'm just not there yet. I don't have a hairy chest, but I don't have any problem sprouting weeds on my face, my legs aren't shaved, and my forearms aren't either. Why the heck do you think all my pics have long sleeves? If I wear something sleeveless, everyone would know I was a guy without even thinking about it. It would be like, "Hey, look at the guy in the dress...." So I know how you feel. I just stay indoors and use my imagination. I'm a lot prettier if I use a little imagination.

Well Marla If thats you in the avatar picture you may look more womanly than you think, Nice top you look good in it. I just posted my avatar picture this morning and after doing a little soul searching there maybe possibilities there. I'd have to solicit my wife and daughter for help finshing the job. There are times my wife and I go out and I wear womens pants and a v-neck top, bra and panty, I feel my wife is more embarrased than I am as she is the only person who ever said any thing to me about what I wear when we go out. Even letting the outline of bra and cami straps show through my v-neck top no one other than my wife has said a word to me about it. Being a curvy(plus sized) girl I shop alot at stores like Lane Bryant, Catherines, Fashion Bug, Torrid, and Avenue. and in catalogs like Roamans, Silhouettes, Jessica London as they are all plus sized womens clothing sources.

[BrendaChristine]

Like most have said here Emma, do what you feel comfortable doing. I shave, and if somebody has an issue with it too bad. But I haven't pierced my ears. I'm squeamish about poking any more holes in my body than were originally installed. Clip ons for me. Whatever you, do, enjoy and be happy.

[Holly]

It's probably not much help, but many, many of us have/are going through much of what you have shared. It all started coming together for me, when I finally realized that the true beauty I aspired to have came from within, not from the outside. Don't misunderstand, Emma. I do try to look my very best when I dress. But isn't that true with GG's as well? Maybe what we can physically do with our exteriors is somewhat limited. But we do have enormous influence on how we precieve our interior self. I will never win a Britney Spears lookalike contest (thank God). But I can be soft, vunerable, loving, compassionate, nurtuing, giving, all the feminine traits I so admire. Emma, there is NOTHING keeping you from doing the same thing!

As you come to terms with yourself, what to do about body hair, ear piercings, and all the rest will start to come together for you. In the meantime, take joy in your successes. Find your contentment from within. Please let us know how you are doing. The fact that you have already embarked on a plan to lose weight speaks volumes of your commitment to becomng yourself. Never give up!

[terza]

you are overwhelmed -- i know i'm stating the obvious --
and rightly you shoud be. i don't think it is wise to get
any where too fast, too soon. the things you want require
time and good management. everyone has limited, and
different, resources along with different needs and wants.

i also like to point out that strengths do not always have
counterparts of wants and needs. examples, a passable cder
does not necessarily want or need to go public;
having copious amount of funds does not mean an
absent of budgeting on cding goods; or having pierced
ears does not means wearing earrings -- i have so many
holes i don't even want.

sorry, but no time to relax -- but take plenty of
deep breaths -- yet, not until you define what
your wants and needs are and then creating a
regiment that will fullfill them to your
satisfaction... in accord with your limits
and strengths. in my opinion, the hardest thing
to concede to is wanting what you can't have or
ever achieve -- those (limitations) too must be
identified in the scheme of your fullfillment.

and lastly, in the meantime find something else
that is a source of relaxation -- i'm sure
the sum of you is much greater than crossdressing.

i wish you sucess in your first step of losing
weight... and i'll save other well-wishes
till you are ready for subsequent steps.

[Deborah]

Well one of the best things you have done is post your questions here.
I'm sure there are plenty of girls who can help you. :D

[urban gypsy]

Hi Emma
My word you are feeling down lets see if I can help.
I think that being fem is more a state of mind than how you actually look. I for instance stand 6' 2" in bare feet but 6' 5" in heels, I also weigh 19 stone and look about as fem as a gorilla with a hang over.
But saying this I still enjoy cross dressing and even go out dressed up.
I think the difference between us is that I have a very understanding wife who lets me know when things really don't look right, but will go out with me when dressed. We also have Sonia and wife that are very good friends of ours. Sonia hasn't been out of the closet very long but is also of the same stature as myself.

I think that at present all you need is to talk to someone in a private as you seem to be suffering from isolation and low self esteem( i.e pm or email.) As although this forum is very good and the girls here are lovely it must feel that sometimes you are opening your heart for the world to take a look at.

Now if you feel this is what you need please feel free to pm me for a chat. but first read some of my old postings so you can see what I've been through over the last 12 months.

Also to show that being fem is a state of mind I'm going to post a couple of pictures to show you how un fem I actually look.

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi

I would like to thank you all very much for your words of care and encouragement. Unfortunately I feel more down today than yesterday - don't know why - wasn't expecting it really - ho hum!

Tammi - your comment 'Your trainer, friends etc. aren't living their lives for you, don't you live your life for them either.' is so helpful. Even though I can't do it yet (no courage and no energy) it is such a liberating philosophy.

I wish that 2006 would be a good year but don't have any hope at all that it will be. However, life such as it is, goes on. Maybe this time next year I will be posting positively saying how good a year it has been and that I've really moved on.

Thanks again for your concern and help.

Emma :crying:

[MsJanessa]

Hi Hon---your avatar looks pretty good I assume that it is you---first of all most of Us here have been in your shoes---I lost 50 lbs about 4 years ago and have kept My weight down since so keep up with the gym and the diet--at Our ages ,darling, weight ceases to be less about looks and more about health---as far as the hair goes, your best bet if you can afford it is to have it waxed---these days a lot of beauty parlors have male waxing customers---if you live in a small town and are afraid of gossip, you can travel to the nearest city and have it done---the same holds true for having your ears peirced---also if you don't want to go that far there are a variety of sexy attractive clip on types of earrings available---when you do loose the weight then treat yourself to a shopping trip ---either go with a GG or another TG who can give you advice on what to wear --every TG has her own sense of style---also you should get advice on makeup and wigs/hair---We have spent years trying to perfect our look but don't worry, it will come---as far as gait and voice the same thing applies---My own experience is that when I put on heels My gait changes to something more femme. Hard to walk like a man in 4 inch stilletto pumps.as far as the voice goes, just work it.---If you would like to talk more feel free to e-mail Me

[ReginaK]

There is a silver lining to every dark cloud. The extra weight is good at hiding manly bone structure. Especially in your face. It also gives you extra material to work with trying to make breast and hips. ;)

The most important thing is your health. If you excercise just to lose inches, you'll be easily frustrated and you might even give up if you don't see the results as quickly as you want. If you excercise to feel better, it's so much easier to feel like you've accomplished something.

[Falcor]

emma darl.,I understand your frustration,we ALL feel somewhat dissapointed in our appearance.
when i was younger,i'd lay on my back lawn and look upon the night sky,to find a shooting star,and when one would appear,to me it was the most fantastic of all others in our gallaxy...to me,my femininity was as that shooting star...even though so close they seemed,when my hand would reach out to grasp,light years would appear between..and so be it,i could never be really pretty in pink....we are what we are,BUT remember...

stars that stay in heaven,
outlast shooting stars,that fall,
and a dream not realised,is by far,
the sweetest dream of all.

stay happy..fal.

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi Girls,

Feeling better today. Thank you so much for all the advise and help. Let me tell you where I am now at.

I've spent 2 days now dressed but only as far as I want to go. So yesterday I wore a bra and panties, a sweatshirt and leggings and felt really relaxed. Today I'm wearing bra and panties, trousers and sweatshirt, with some mascara and lipstick. Again I feel good - and natural too. So much so I keep forgetting and if the doorbell goes I'm likely to jump up to answer it - not a good idea.....!

Further than that, I have shaved under my arms. Now I know that and the above doesn't sound like much but to me it is just so liberating. I simply cannot conceive that I'm going to stop here although I have no idea where to go next.

I guess what all your comments have done is to make me realise that it doesn't have to be all or nothing; I can do as much or as little as I want whenever I want.

So thankyou all.

A happy Emma :jumping:

[joni-alice]

Happy to see your change of mood.
Do what you can and leave the rest to imagination.
Love,
j-a:cool:

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Emma

I've had a lot of the same feelings that you have. You can see my avatar (not me, by the way; that's Alexis Bledel of Gilmore Girls fame etc) and I wish I could look like her, but I don't. I'm blessed enough to have a borderline petite stature, but I don't really look female. :( I would love to have my ears pierced but I don't have the gumption for that (at least not yet; I don't know if I ever will). I would love to keep my body hairless, too. It is hairless now except for the peachfuzz on my torso that you wouldn't see unless you were two inches away anyhow, but I don't know if I will keep myself shaven come summer or not. It really would cause a bit of a stir in my family. My parents seem to be the types who allow others to decide if they look right, act right and just about everything else. I'm not mired in social slavery like they are, thankfully, but I also can't bear to cause them pain. Thus my angst.

Anyway, I also look in the mirror and see oh so many things I'd change if I could. I could use more feminine hips, the bones in my face are a bit too male looking... anyway my point is that we all feel for you. This seems to be part of what even GGs experience, so let it make you feel closer to femininity in that way.

Hugs,
Lisa