Well, I was wrong...

[GeminaRenee]

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.” -Thomas Merton



Some of you may remember that I posted a diatribe some months back about how I was done with the life, as it were. I had a bunch of reasons/rationales for my decision, which I'm not going to rehash here. You've heard them, anyways - from me or from someone else. They boil down to the same "But I want to be normal" thought processes that these things usually do. And so, I was going to simply willpower my way out of my desire to wear cute boots.

Nice theory, anyways. It seemed to be working out well for a while. I had a fun g/f who wouldn't have guessed a thing. I made a few bucks selling off my old wardrobe. Eventually, the pop-up ads for modcloth and heels dot com stopped showing up in my browser. By George, I was just a normal fella!

I can't say that the realization that I couldn't/shouldn't quit came in any dramatic, turmoil-filled fashion. It was pretty matter of fact, actually. For reasons having nothing to do with my cd'ing, things had grown colder with the lady, and I began to turn an eye to the future. Then, the realization came suddenly. One morning, she'd left for work before I departed for school. As I was getting ready, I fixed an eye on the ruffled black skirt from the Gap that her sister had given her. Size 6, what a coincidence. Couldn't hurt to try it on, just for old times sake. Well, I'll tell you: I stepped into that skirt, zipped it up, and felt the fabric settle over my hips as I checked my booty in the mirror - and it couldn't have been more right. I knew right then and there that I was fooling myself to think that I could just deny the reality of who I am, and what I want. And that was pretty much that.

I'd like to say that I regret the purge, but really, I only do in a financial sense. Ultimately, I was at such a spot in my life that no-one was going to talk me out of it. I'm the sort of person that I sometimes just have to jump and see where I land. And if I go splat, well, I'll pick myself up and dust myself off. And I'll keep on heading forward. So, this whole thing had to happen the way it did for me to have any hope of jumping out of this repeating loop at some point in my life. I'd like to think I've made it out this time.

I've spent the ensuing couple of months trying to get organized again, trying to figure out how to rebuild the girl. I had forgotten how much effort (and dough) went into finally getting myself out the front door during my last cycle. Slow & steady, I guess.

Anyways, that's where I'm at. Thanks for listening. Also, thanks to those who tried to talk me out of it when I announced I was dunzo, way back when. I wish I could have listened and saved myself some trouble. But alas, it was not to be. And so, the girl inside rises from the ashes yet again.

Hopefully, that's the last time I have to say that.

(:

[Christen]

Gee, I think we've all been there, done that! I know how you felt / feel, I spent many an anguished hour wondering why I had been cursed with the desire, need to crossdress. Ultimately I've accepted two things, that my female side is strong and that I get a lot of pleasure from dressing and pretending to be a woman. That's where I'm OK, but it's not always easy. Do what I didn't do, if you can. Be open about it to the ones you love, I think you'll find those that truly love all of you.
Oh, and don't purge. It costs a bomb.

Take care,
Christen x

[Beverley Sims]

Kali,
When someone else interesting comes along, use a plastic bag and mothballs.
Stick it in the attic till later.

[PaulaQ]

What happened with your girlfriend? And yeah, this is a life sentence.

[Adriana Moretti]

wow...we have VERY similar stories...i did the same thing...just tried to be a "normal" guy...look how that worked out right? slow & steady girl...sometimes you HAVE to have a purge like that to be really REALLY sure that this is what you want to do, that this IS a part of you.

[Katey888]

Kali - in a way it's nice to have you back - but sorry for you (also in a way :)) that you are back and it didn't work out.

At least you know we're a fairly non-judgemental community that will be supportive whatever the circumstances.. :hugs:

And what you've gone through is similar in many ways to all of us... A year ago I just dressed - gave me some tranquillity in life, but wasn't somehow completing things. Then I started tinkering with wigs... makeup... actually thinking about clothes in a wardrobe and fashion sense... Hmmmm :eek:
Then in November I - like you - decided that was it: Dunzo! (I love that word - that's going in my dictionary, thank you :D) 2014 NY resolution - purge again... Then I came across this place and I was able to read a bit; understand a bit (particularly gender variance); and accept a lot more about myself.
Now this morning as I type this, I'm just removing my second 'public' dose of nail varnish (for those who knew before, my wife agreed for a second time that I could wear nail varnish for a day - Revlon Red Hot Tamale... :cheer: And no she doesn't know I CD - but what is she thinking...?!?!) and thinking about a new pair of boots I bought yesterday on eBay, and what type of false eyelashes I need.... Well - you know all this, right?

Slow and steady is right for most of us. I'm sure some disappear from here and never come back - and lucky them and good luck to them! - but we'll be here for the ones that do..

Welcome back again - you are amongst friends.

Katey x

[KristyE]

Welcome home sweetie. Like Mike Corleone says in The Godfather it just keeps pulling me back, this Cosa Nostra ( our little thing ).
Love KristyE

[Marcelle]

Normal . . . meh anyone can be normal . . . it's much more fun to be different. :battingeyelashes:

Seriously though Kali, I am glad to read that you have accepted who you are and are prepared to move forward. Not an easy road for any of us but there are a lot of us on this road so we are here for you.

Hugs

Isha

[Caden Lane]

I like our version of normal... We get to wear prettier things.

But seriously, sometimes we just have to go through those phases. We all get that. We all have our hopes or reasons. But ultimately we are who we are. You can't fight city hall... And you can't fight crossdressing. I'm just glad it wasn't an overly painful or traumatic experience for you. My purges were all pretty tough.

[Barbie Anne]

Been there done that got the pink tshirt to prove it :)
Glad you're taking it well hon.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Kali

Sorry things didn't pan out. I suppose we've all been through that a couple of times. And Katey, sorry to break it to you, nails done twice = she knows something's up, gg's are ALWAYS one step ahead!

[GeminaRenee]

Be open about it to the ones you love, I think you'll find those that truly love all of you.

I doubt I'd ever be open about it to my immediate family, specifically not my parents. They'd never understand, and it wouldn't be worth the grief for anyone involved. That's fine, I'm lucky enough to have a 3 very close GG friends that know and couldn't be more awesome about it. In fact, I'm going shopping with them in a couple of weeks to rebuild the wardrobe (and make my tax return disappear). I could hardly be more blessed in that regard.


Kali,
When someone else interesting comes along, use a plastic bag and mothballs.
Stick it in the attic till later.

Actually, I was a little smarter this time than going into previous purges. I kept a complete outfit (not one that I would wear out the front door, mind you), a pair of shoes I couldn't sell, and all of my makeup. I wrapped them up tight in a couple of boxes, stuck my head through the ceiling, and tossed them into the attic. Kind of a "Break Glass in Case of Fire" provision. Lo and behold, it was a good idea.


What happened with your girlfriend?

Nothing exciting. I think we both lost a little interest in each other, that kind of thing. Parted ways in a mutually agreeable fashion over the holidays. Perhaps most disappointingly, she decided she didn't even like the skirt her sister gave her. I dropped a hint that if she had anything she wanted to donate to Goodwill, I was going to be making a trip soon and would be happy to drop her stuff off. She didn't take the bait, though. Ha!


wow...we have VERY similar stories...i did the same thing...just tried to be a "normal" guy...look how that worked out right? slow & steady girl...sometimes you HAVE to have a purge like that to be really REALLY sure that this is what you want to do, that this IS a part of you.

Exactly. It really was a necessary part of my journey. I think (in life in general, not just with cd'ing) we tend to view setbacks and disappointments as strict negatives. But the fact is, we'd never be the person that we are without having had to climb over, under, around, or bust through those obstacles. It's how we process those things that really makes a difference.

PS - love the blog!


I'm just removing my second 'public' dose of nail varnish (for those who knew before, my wife agreed for a second time that I could wear nail varnish for a day - Revlon Red Hot Tamale... :cheer: And no she doesn't know I CD - but what is she thinking...?!?!) and thinking about a new pair of boots I bought yesterday on eBay, and what type of false eyelashes I need.... Well - you know all this, right?

Yes, I've been through this part of the Choose Your Own Adventure once or twice. Sounds like you're having fun. Aren't you glad you didn't purge? Oh, and your wife has got to know - nail polish once in public? That can be explained away. But there's only one reason a husband would be asking permission to wear Hot Tamale Red in public a second time. Sounds promising, if she's going along with it. (:


But seriously, sometimes we just have to go through those phases. We all get that. We all have our hopes or reasons. But ultimately we are who we are. You can't fight city hall... And you can't fight crossdressing. I'm just glad it wasn't an overly painful or traumatic experience for you. My purges were all pretty tough.

Yeah, I think my previous experiences were enough to butter me up for acceptance that I was coming back this time around. In the end, I guess it comes down to the fact that I can either choose to live a life that's safer, more ordinary, and not nearly as fulfilling. Or I can decide to live life on my own terms, taking whatever chances that entails, and have the chance to live my life in a satisfying way that few people ever might. I've managed to live a pretty interesting life so far - why stop shooting for the moon now?

Thanks to everyone for the kind replies. I was eager to get back on this site because I knew there would be some kindred spirits to share things with. I do appreciate your listening ears.

(:

[Annaliese]

For me to took two purges, or may be three to learn that it is not going away. The clothes went but the girl never went anywhere just waited, she knew she would be back.

[MsVal]

Normal, what does that mean? Most of the time, most people are feeling just about normal - normal for them. You are right to want a normal life, and I applaud you for recognizing that your normal does not have to align with anyone else's normal.

Hi Kali (Detroit-ish) from MsVal (Warren-ish)

Best wishes
MsVal

[~Joanne~]

I really do think we all have "been there" more than once in our lives. It never seems to work out no matter how hard you try. You are who you are and really, why change that? especially to suit others and their needs. Not saying that is the reason you did it but there may have been a hint of it in there that you didn't see ;)

as for normal, I don't know what that is anymore. What some people consider normal is what I consider following the leader because at some point some people took upon themselves to decide what is considered "normal" and what isn't and they had no right yet most have followed. Life is way too short to follow anyone or their beliefs so whatever you do, whatever choices you make......that is normal. Sometimes you have to make that jump, land, and dust yourself off to find what is normal to you ;)

Welcome back :D

[Angie G]

Welcome back Kali. We are here for you. remember one can do worse dressing as a girl. :hugs:
Angie

[Jennifer in CO]

I have to say I agree with KaliB and my pathway is similar. After the long journey back from the fem side, I thought I could be a "man's man" and this would never be a part of my life ever again.
Didn't happen.
Then came surgery and I couldn't wear pants for 6 weeks...which became 3 months. After the first few weeks I held it together and just wore my long skirts out as a "guy". But oh so quickly the shave happened, then pretty blouses crept in, started wearing a bra again and before long my presentation was back to full-on girl.
Even with kids around I'd slip every now and then but the house became a DADT location and the wife was happy so long as the makeup and blouses came off as soon as I was in the door (I left after the kids went to school and got back most of the time before them). As things healed and the skirts went away the "need" to be "me" just didn't leave.
Things were ok till about a year later when out to dinner one night the oldest pops off with "Dad, why are you wearing Mom's jeans?". The fashionista had errupted right before our very eyes. I made it till she moved out (got married) 3 years later. The youngest was never a fashion person so Dad wearing "Mom's" jeans comment never happend again. Before long I was back to full-on girl, just no makeup and this time no skirts/dresses or anything really "girly". I was able to be "me" and fly under the radar so to speak.

Been there ever since

[UNDERDRESSER]

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.” -Thomas MertonNice Quote



"But I want to be normal"

I didn't see your original post, if I had, I'd have said the same I say now. "See my signature line." (MY GF is wise beyond her years)

Now this morning as I type this, I'm just removing my second 'public' dose of nail varnish (for those who knew before, my wife agreed for a second time that I could wear nail varnish for a day - Revlon Red Hot Tamale... :cheer: And no she doesn't know I CD -
Oh Katey! You so funny!

Oh, OK, she may not know, but if I were you, given that she's OK, so far, with what you've done, I'd tell her and figure out between you what you are and where you're going. Otherwise, her imagination is going to make it worse. My own experience is that until you've had a chance to talk it out, over a period, you yourself, don't know what's going on.

Coming out can be damaging. Therefore, I'm NOT saying everyone should. You all have a much better idea than I do what local responses are going to be. Having said all that, there are some pretty big reasons as to why you should come out, whether you gain acceptance or not. Figure out worse cases, can you live without that person in your life? What will work say? What are my legal protections? (Assuming you don't live in Arizona)

Kali, good luck, maybe your GG friends can introduce you around? Maybe go out with them on a girl's night out? See if they can be your wingmen and put in a good word for you when you meet up with a nice girl?

[Jamie Christopher]

I'm glad to have you back Kali....

Best,

Jamie

[Caden Lane]

I look at my purges as my tiger stripes. They made me stronger as a crossdresser, strengthened my resolve to not endure the psychological stress and trauma of a purge, and build on my self acceptance. As it stands now, I have the Love of an awesome accepting woman, and I've built my resolve to never purge again. Ive been there, done that, got the tee shirt bras, and you know what, it was a waste of time and money, and stress. I'm a stronger man and woman for those efforts, but that doesn't mean I would choose to endure it all again.

[MarisaRose.]

Kali, even on our best days, taking it 5 mins at a time can be a challenge, acceptance of ones self is a great thing, tomorrow's another day! Live, love and dress when necessary girl!!,

[UNDERDRESSER]

Then came surgery and I couldn't wear pants for 6 weeks...which became 3 months. After the first few weeks I held it together and just wore my long skirts out as a "guy". Oh, my, (To quote George Takei) I had surgery a year ago, but it only affected my shoulder, I almost wish I'd had your excuse, wearing a skirt out is just what I want to do. I will, get there. Total success will be having work accept it. I'm fairly sure they would, just have to grow that that little bit of armour to deflect the initial "WTF!?" looks from people.

[KaceyR]

My condolences for your Tax Refund...:) Mine went to a similar purpose...but just adding to the supplies, not replacing :)
Myself, I think my a)hoarder's response and b:) a bit more limited income to want to ever rebuy things would keep me from outright tossing stuff. Luckily, being single and with little detractors in my life I don't really see a reason to purge.

I also tend to feel "normalcy" is highly overrated...the world needs more uniqueness to keep advancing in thought and not just be stagnant as a society..

[Kristina_nolagirl]

In my estimation, your biggest issue was not recognizing the fact that you are in fact "normal". Every human being is completely 100% unique in what they value, how they act, how they dress etc. In my mind, being yourself is normal. The hard part is accepting and loving yourself when you assume other won't for one reason or another.

Welcome back to "the club"! Hope you stay for good this time.

As for repurchasing clothes, I would encourage you to check out your local thrift stores. I find amazing clothes there for great prices- you just have to look! If your scared to run I to someone you know...just go to the next town over!

[Jennifer in CO]

Total success will be having work accept it. I'm fairly sure they would, just have to grow that that little bit of armour to deflect the initial "WTF!?" looks from people.

Work was the least of my problems as they were the ones who suggested coming in wearing a skirt. With a TS boss, 2 Lesbian work-mates, a gal who we shall call a "free-spirit" and an outside sales guy that we rarely saw it wasn't a problem. It was work that "pushed" (ok...it didn't take much) me into a dress for "Girls-day Fridays" (another story but I don't want to hijack the thread!)

[GeminaRenee]

In my estimation, your biggest issue was not recognizing the fact that you are in fact "normal". Every human being is completely 100% unique in what they value, how they act, how they dress etc. In my mind, being yourself is normal. The hard part is accepting and loving yourself when you assume other won't for one reason or another.

Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, I know - and really, I've known for a long time, but I sometimes choose to forget it - that normal isn't really anything at all. But when I purge, I usually find myself longing for an easier way to walk through life. So I seek that elusive, subjective standard that doesn't really exist, rather than just accepting that who I am is what's normal for me. That's why I like that quote so much that I led off with.




As for repurchasing clothes, I would encourage you to check out your local thrift stores. I find amazing clothes there for great prices- you just have to look! If your scared to run I to someone you know...just go to the next town over!

Oh yeah, I know. I always utilize the thrift store approach. I've already picked up a few cute pieces in the past few weeks. Mainly the problem is that t-store shopping takes time, which is in short supply with my present school schedule. And, I'm not worried in the slightest about seeing people I know. I learned to shop without shame some time ago.


And thanks to everyone for the kind replies. (:

[TessInJxn]

Oh, and don't purge. It costs a bomb.

I've done it many times. And, boy howdy, does it burn when you have to rebut everything. The only upside is that it is kind of a nuclear version of cleaning out your closet. I've found that my style has evolved over the years from just wearing things I thought fit, could quickly and hopefully inconspicuously buy, to more thoughtful ensembles. My current closet is far, FAR better than my first one was.

Welcome back to being you, though! ;-)

[UNDERDRESSER]

Work was the least of my problems as they were the ones who suggested coming in wearing a skirt. With a TS boss, 2 Lesbian work-mates, a gal who we shall call a "free-spirit" and an outside sales guy that we rarely saw it wasn't a problem. It was work that "pushed" (ok...it didn't take much) me into a dress for "Girls-day Fridays" (another story but I don't want to hijack the thread!)Oh yeah, my employers and co-workers aren’t the problem (for the most part) it's the fact that I will interact with 200 plus members of the public in a day.

[Kristy 56]

Welcome back Kali ! I'm back not too long myself after the dreaded purge. :)

[CynthiaD]

I've said this before, but it's worth saying again.

Crossdressing is normal.

Being transgendered is normal.

Living your whole life pretending to be something you're not, that's weird.

Oh, and welcome home.

CK

[kimdl93]

I hope it's the last repeat for you as well. You've lost nothing other than some clothes and a few months. Chalk it up to experience.

[MissTee]

I remember a Vampire mini-series on TV a while back where they thought they had found a cure for Vampireism. Turns out the cure was only temporary and ends in a very abrupt way -- like one minute you're strolling in the sunshine and then suddenly, "poof", you burst into flames.

Reminded me of the many times I've quit only to come back. I've since learned to accept me as I am and my spouse helps with her love and support. Welcome back, KaliBrooke!

[JenniferYager]

Good to have you back :) And slowly rebuild from Goodwill...I did the same thing after my last purge, and it wasn't nearly as expensive the second time around.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, Kali, I'll add my song to the welcome back. I never left here, because I know the possibility of never doing it again is so remote, so why not avail myself of the support. I'm in the middle of a 'purge'; not of the stuff, just the activity. If and when it ends (before I drop dead), I'll just accept it, and move on again. After all, it's not how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up.

[Erica2Sweet]

“... I knew right then and there that I was fooling myself to think that I could just deny the reality of who I am, and what I want. And that was pretty much that...

This can be such a difficult lesson to learn, but in sharing your story with others, maybe you will have prevented someone else from having to go through this themselves.

Sometimes we convince ourselves we're special and life's rules and lessons don't apply, and then we read this and realize (hopefully) that it just doesn't work that way. ;)

[Ms. Alexis]

Many Changes... That is what life is all about. The sad thing is far too many people go through their whole lives just trying to accept themselves - sometimes doing a good job of it and sometimes not so good a job. CD's "Purge", Real women do too. I'm blessed enough to have a wife who loves me for who I am... all of who I am including my feminine side - but still I get angry at who I am sometimes. But so does she and believe it or not it all boils down to the same reason- the feeling of not being good enough because "Society" says you have to be this way or that. The really hard part about it is that you can never really fully love someone else until you can love or at least be content with yourself. So don't let society dictate what is "Normal" because there is no such thing, and if all the freaks and fetishes came out at once you would find out that Normal is the minority. So be happy that you have the gift of being able to experience the world from the viewpoint of both genders.. I actually puts you ahead in life rather than behind.

[GeminaRenee]

Thanks, everyone.

Somewhere along the line, I came to realize that I need to learn to be happy in being myself before I can truly do justice to including someone else into the mix. I am lucky in that I haven't entangled myself in a situation thus far where I am absolutely forced to repress this side of me. And that's one point that's been driven home over and over and over again as I've browsed these forums. I still have a chance to live my life uncompromisingly in the fashion that my heart tells me I should. A dear friend of mine (who warmly embraces my femme self) told me once that she admired the fact that I have never really settled for less than what I am. And that's coming from someone who would be happiest in a relationship with a woman, but instead has married a man that can never really be enough for her. He's given her children that she loves very dearly. But I see that there will always be a part of her that aches for what she cannot have. I don't want to do that to myself. So I know in my heart of hearts that I must remain true to the person I am, even if it means a walk that gets lonely at times. After all, I'm only going to get to live this life once.