To therapist or not to therapist

[Brandy9]

I've been a cder since I was a young child quite some time ago. I've had a SO for many years. As I get older and have more time available I can become somewhat obsessed with my open ended goal of looking and acting more feminine, but thats the extent of it. I don't desire to transition. Just play dress up. Well my SO is encouraging me to see a therapist ' to help me figure out who I am', and then she and I will talk about where we stand with things. My question is...Will I be wasting time and money in doing this for my SO or will we get something out of it. Thanks for any advice.

[Beverley Sims]

Brandy,
I would do it just to accede to your wife's request.
I consider as you seem not to have any emotional issues it is a fruitless exercise.
If it helps your wife and harmony in the home, the time and money are not completely wasted.
Whatever the therapist suggests, I would assume you may still stay on the same course that you are on now.

[Erica Anne]

What is it you expect to gain from it? If you already know who you are, it would probably be a waste of money and time. Unless you have thoughts or desires that are beyond your comprehension. If you feel trapped, or have desires to transition, I do not understand what there would be to accomplish since you stated you have no desires to do such. Since you have done this most of your life it is normal for you. It is not normal to your SO, maybe it is her that needs the therapy. This is a common issue, my wife had suggested I see a therapist, her comment was maybe you are gay and you just don't know it yet. It does not work that way... I do not need to question my own sexuality, as I know I am not what she has accused me of being. Sorry if this does not help. Unless you have issues like depression, anxiety, or other mental issues, therapy will not fix who you are and that is probably what your SO is hoping for. She will not be happy with the cure which is to do nothing, unless you are mentally tormented for being in the wrong body.

[PretzelGirl]

It never hurts to have therapy, unless of course it is out of pocket. :D I am more concerned about the comments about seeing where you stand. Has she been non-accepting? Does her attitude seem to be shifting and she might be feeling out changes in you to make a decision about herself?

[Jaylyn]

You sound a little like me in that you seem to know who you are and what you enjoy. I say do what you enjoy and don't waste money on what you already know. Especially if you have been doing this for years. It's simple you are a Crossdresser. There save your money. Unless you see a change in your attitude I wouldn't bother.
Now go reassure that to your SO and fully explain what the word cd means and what you get out of it. From what you wrote it seems the SO is the one confused.

[audreyinalbany]

it sounds as though your SO is more concerned about your situation than you are. Perhaps you should take the middle road and go see a therapist together. We all know that the cross dressing isn't going to go away, but couples therapy can help you both negotiate ways to comfortably deal with it.

[Laura912]

On your profile page you state that you have been to a therapist so you have some idea how that might play out. If you can find one who will include both of you in the sessions and who is familiar with gender issues, then it is more likely to help you and your SO reach an understanding.

[mikiSJ]

...my SO is encouraging me to see a therapist ' to help me figure out who I am', and then she and I will talk about where we stand with things. My question is...Will I be wasting time and money in doing this for my SO or will we get something out of it...

Will your SO accept the "truth" from your therapist?

When I came out late last year, my wife was very concerned, heartbroken, confused and I offered to see a therapist. After a bunch of sessions, I invited my wife to visit the therapist (alone) and have the therapist explain what was going on. It helped, but not much and my wife has started to accuse me of conspiring with my therapist to get what I want. I am still seeing the therapist, for my reasons, not my wife's and there is much benefit in my doing so.

[Kate Simmons]

It's your money and time Hon. As you will probably find out, however, you don't have a problem with it, other people do. :)

[Katey888]

Brandy - there's good advice here already :)

I'd echo the comments that it may be worth doing for domestic harmony with your SO - but keep it limited and so constrain the cost.

Also, unless you're seeing an experienced gender counsellor experience here shows that untrained counsellors struggle with the nature of CD and gender-derived issues - and you don't seem to have any problems with respect to who you are, so a gender counsellor would seem like overkill.

I don't think you'll be completely wasting your money - I've had counselling at difficult times in my life and it's often thrown up some interesting perspectives that you wouldn't have thought of on your own, but keep it limited and save your pennies for better things... :)

Katey x

[Christen]

Hi Brandy,

This is a bit weird, in my welcome message I said we could talk about therapists, and here we are.
I agree with Bev, nothing wrong with taking some advice from our SO's. If she thinks it's a good idea, it probably is. My personal experience consists of seeing three different Psychologists and one counsellor (marriage) over quite a time span. The one constant amongst them all was, they knew very little or nothing about crossdressing. (And just to confuse me, one of the female Psych's first name was Kevin, hmm, maybe that was Kevanne.) Anyway, did it help me? Yes and no. They all reinforced to me that I was not abnormal and that crossdressing was not a terrible crime against humanity, despite how most people view it. The discussions I had gave me better self esteem, that was good, and less guilt, good also. The last Psych I saw tried to help me control the urge to crossdress, treating it as a compulsion, which I s'pose it is for me. He gave me tips to divert my thinking when the desire to crossdress occurred. I gave it a shot, but guess what .. didn't work. He also asked a couple of other questions; (1) If there was a pill on the table that would change me in to a female, would I take it - Response, No, that's when I really confirmed to myself that I'm just happy to crossdress, no real greater desires; (2) Would I like to undertake aversion therapy - God, no. That's when I realised that this is an important part of my whole, I wouldn't be the same person if I cut that part out.
The last professional I saw was a good listener, but didn't help me. I got this quite weird feeling that she was a little excited about dealing with a crossdresser.
Sorry if i'm going on a bit. So, will you be wasting time and money - you never know. You both might get some really good insight, and then maybe not. I would plump for having your SO join you, if you do see a therapist. Perhaps she'll get more out of it than you. But for my money, the most important thing is to try and find someone who's good in their field and has dealt with this issue before.
All the best to both of you!

Christen x

[CarlaWestin]

Gender therapy has certainly come a long way over the years. I was actively going to therapy back in the 70's when it was fashionable. When my therapist conceded his point of view that cd'ing was just unnecessary baggage to carry through life, I declared myself mentally healthy and ended all sessions (billable time). You may benefit from a few joint sessions with an honest gender professional. Things might go easier after your SO has what you've been telling her confirmed by a professional. It certainly has worked for me the few times I've accompanied my wife to her appointments. Her issues, I'm just the crossdressing husband component.

[Sarasometimes]

This varies from individual to individual and therapist to therapist. I have posted in the past how I spent tons of $$ teaching therapists until I found a practice that had gender specialists. For me it is very helpful now that I have a skilled counseller, but you need to have an open mind to benefit the most. Since your SO has requested you try this i think that is reason enough as long as you are able to go to a qualified person.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[devida]

It doesn't sound from your description that you need a therapist but perhaps the two of you would benefit from a joint session or two with a therapist who has some experience with gender issues and particularly with the relationship problems that are likely to occur. Apparently your SO doesn't think that you are as happy with yourself as she thinks you should be? Maybe your relationship has changed as a result of your having more time available and this is causing stress? That happens in relationships among older couples with some frequency.

[Caden Lane]

I've spoken to two therapists about my dressing, and in both situations, it was reaffirming for me, and it was nothing but helpful. It eased the mind of my Girlfriend, and helped her acceptance of it based on what the therapist said. It helped me reach acceptance of who I am and what I enjoy, and it affirmed things that I needed affirmation on, but wasn't receiving from anyone else or anywhere else. It can only help hon, and as far as I'm concerned, its far from a waste of time or money.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I think I might have benefited from a few therapy sessions, I did actually see a Psychologist about another issue, and she did help somewhat in clarifying some thoughts on this. As it happens, my GF has training in this field, and is a very level headed person. Just being able to talk honestly with her has helped me tremendously, because of the relationship we have I don't feel I need any more than that.

[sandra-leigh]

People above have been writing that you seem to know what you want. Is "getting obsessed" what you want? Are you prepared to tell your SO that, "It's okay dear, obsessing over this to the point that you feel disturbed about my obsession is just a hobby of mine?" If you do not want to be "obsessed" then a therapist can help you work through keeping from obsessing on it if it is "just something you like to do", or alternately help you come to terms with it being part of you if it is more than just something you like to do.

In my relationship, I wish avidly that my wife and I could have gone to therapy to learn how to communicate with each other and feel comfortable that what was communicated was us being "open" with nothing being deliberately down-played. If my spouse had been willing to go to therapy then we might not have broken up. Or perhaps we would have broken up sooner instead of being unhappy together for years.

[darla_g]

Since it is your SO that suggested you go what is her objective to wanting you to go?

From your own perspective you describe it as an obsession. Why would you describe it as such? Is it keeping you from doing something else or contributing to any other destructive behavior? I think these are questions you need to answer for yourself.

Therapy is usually good if you have a good therapist (IMHO) otherwise they are just getting the $ and you are not getting anything for it. How are you predispositioned towards therapy?

[PaulaQ]

I'd say that if you find a therapist who knows gender, its possible you might be surprised and learn something about yourself. Even if you don't, they are liable to be better equipped to explain your CDing to your wife.

[Jaymees22]

I've started seeing a therapist recently and like you was encouraged by my wife to go. I've gone for a few sessions and we went for one joint session. I think it's helping us and is not wasted money. Try it you may like it and if not you can always stop. Jaymee

[Stephanie47]

I see you're 63 years old. You are married. In a previous post your wife took you to Kohl's for a proper bra fitting. It seems she is comfortable with you being a cross dresser. I suspect she sees some turmoil in you that she feels may need to be resolved. I don't know how long you've been married, but, at age 63 I would not really expect you to go through a dramatic change. If a therapist is in your future I would also recommend not only a joint session, but, also singular sessions. A therapist should get both sides of any story before doing a joint session. Your wife may express concerns she has about your direction and her slant on your cross dressing. You may express something that you have not discussed with your wife.

When your wife is saying she needs to know where you're headed, it may be no more than the level of cross dressing. In-home only? Out and about in public? Whatever.

My gut reaction is she is accepting and supportive.

[Brandy9]

Wow, something that I had been pondering for weeks. I post a thread asking for thoughts and within a day get 20 replies with good advice and suggestions Thank you all for your input I guess I will try to find a therapist in my area who has a knowledge of gender issues, make sure I'm not paying too much,and try to get my SO to join me. I will let you know how it goes

[kimdl93]

I would only go to the therapist if you feel you need help to address problems in your life. If you don't do it for yourself it will just be expensive conversation.

[Tina_gm]

I say it can't hurt, so long as you go to one that is aware and comfortable with your gender issues. It is another perspective. I am like a sponge when it comes to peoples perspectives, I soak up everything, then discard what does not apply to me at all, and at least consider anything that might.

[Cheryl James]

When my wife found out about me she insisted that I see a therapist. I did and he (I think I would have preferred a female), basically, asked me what the problem was with dressing. Was it causing me distress? No. Was it causing my wife distress? Yes. After four, I believe, sessions, he stated that it seemed to be my wife's problem more than mine. So, if you need affirmation, go. If you need your wife to understand better, send her.

[Peta Ellen]

My question is...Will I be wasting time and money in doing this for my SO or will we get something out of it

Only your SO can say if it has been a be a waste of time and money and only after the event. As I read through the posts in this thread the old adage "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink" came to mind. Your SO apparently believes that you will get benefit from therapy. Do you think so as well? It has been my experience that unless YOU are prepared to embrace the advice and council of a professional in any sphere there is no benefit to be gained by seeking it. (This comes from trying to assist a step daughter with a serious drug problem, and a son with mental health issues).

I'm inclined to think you need to talk some more with your SO and discuss what each of you expects to gain from you getting therapy, but be aware that she will know if you are just going through the motions. I'm sure that you will work out the right decision for you both.

[Taylor Ray]

As others have pointed out, this is an SO issue and not really a gender dysphoria issue, at least how you described it. Both can benefit from therapy, but a clear motivation is a good idea.

[HelenR2]

Will you be wasting your time and money visiting a therapist?..... Erm, yes. Hope that helps.

[steftoday]

Talking to a therapist was one of the best things I've done. She's great to work with, and easy to talk to. If you're not finding it helps, then maybe you have the wrong therapist.

[Sallee]

Ok Brandy is is my free advice. See the therapist it won't be wasting money It will be good for you and probably good for your relationship. Get a well recommended therapist hopefully familiar with gender issues but if they are good it shouldn't matter. They have probably seen it all. If you don't like it or are not getting anything out of it after 2 or 3 visits sy good bye. But be as open as you can be with them I think that is the most important part also the hardest. It sounds like from your brief description you like to play dress up I can relate to that, after some play time you put your big boy pants on and take care of the rest of your responsibilities. Keeping all things in perspective and moderation
Good luck lets us know how it works out

[Jennifer S]

I can't say enough positive things about my experience with therapy. I am an introvert and I HATE discussing my feelings and problems so I am the last person i would have ever thought would advocate for seeing a therapist but I actually find myself looking forward to that weekly visit. Today when I went I brought my new wig to get an unbiased opinion on how it looks. I wound up wearing it for the whole hour and it was a blast!
Now the caveats: Therapy isn't a cure for your CD'ing... in my case it has helped me be honest with myself and realize that I am transgender. I absolutely agree with Audrey that you should go as a couple because it's going to help you two find a happy middle ground. And lastly don't assume the first therapist you see is going to be the one for you. You might have to shop around a little.

Good luck!

Jenn