Those Hard qestions

[GabbiSophia]

People have posted that I should ask myself the hard questions. To sit alone and ask myself what I want to do. I broke down crying this weekend at the fact that I am trans. My life is changing and I have no control of it no matter how much I want it to not change. The simple fact of the matter when my clothes reflect the inner me I am at peace. This peace doesn't always last long as the fear of the unknown future takes over and causes anxiety to take over.

The simple fact of the matter is I want to be a woman and I don't mean part time. This is what my inner voice is saying to me, my subconscious if you will, it ponds the drum and I feel "normal" as per say when I present. I don't just want to wear the clothes. I was challenged as a way to relax to try and just be the woman I am even in male clothes. I really didn't understand how to do this till it clicked. Even though I was dressed as a man. I was trying to present emotional and logically as a woman, to let my male guard down, and for the first time that day was peaceful. It never lasts long as tomorrow is a new day but still.

I dressed fully this weekend and just hung at my house. I just did normal stuff but I felt more in tune with myself then at some point the gd took hold and it wasn't enough anymore. That lead to the tears. Simple fact is I want to live the life I want and now I finally understand I will not be doing that because I really want to be a woman. I cry for myself not others because it hurts to lose myself. I feel good on one hand and sad on the other. Is that what being TS is about? Being tormented in some way or shape? I question a lot of things now a days, things that I have had beliefs in and or thoughts I understood.

I still would like to have a dual life, I still have moments I feel like a normal dude. Though now they are very short and few. Being TS is creeping into my life in more ways than I had realized and I hate it, though I understand that path of hate leads no where.

I do wonder if I were alone in the world would my gender still matter? If no one was there to reflect back at me and there was no mirrors. Would it really still happen? I guess the stages of transition are all the same if your truly TS and anyone who has gone through it can spot it a million miles away. It still doesn't make it fair.

Lea I an not beat to a pulp yet but I can tell you it is taking me a lot longer to get off the floor now. I find myself wanting to be a woman everyday. I am mad when I have to take the clothes I want to wear off. Why can't I just be me and yet who am I really?

[gonegirl]

The simple fact of the matter is I want to be a woman and I don't mean part time.


Steph - this is probably the most important thing to understand about yourself. Is it that you want to be a woman, or are you already a woman and always have been but in deep denial? If you don't know the answer yet, that's OK, but at some point in this ordeal you will need the clarity of knowing for certain because it will be your foundation to keeping your path true to yourself. Knowing will give you the sureness and fortitude to make some incredibly hard decisions and possibly do some seemingly impossible things. I hope I'm not scaring you with this stuff, I just want you to be aware of it. When you figure it out, you will know.

[arbon]

The simple fact of the matter is I want to be a woman and I don't mean part time.

I still would like to have a dual life, I still have moments I feel like a normal dude. Though now they are very short and few. Being TS is creeping into my life in more ways than I had realized and I hate it, though I understand that path of hate leads no where.


You need to get out. A dual life is not dressing at home alone and looking at yourself in a mirror once in a while. Right now its just"his" life. Maybe if you can start getting out there as "her" it will help you figure out the answers. If you don't have a dual life, how do you know it is what you want? If you are never out as a woman how do you know that is what you want? A Trans support group might be a good safe place to get started as "her". Being around some trans women would probably be good for you. Or going to a nearby town, finding stuff to do and friends you can be "her" instead of him around.

[LeaP]

Steph,

You have a ways to go yet in sorting this out. You are very clear about one thing, and that's the inner conflicts. You want to be a woman, but cry for losing yourself. You hate how gender is creeping more and more into your life. You are happy to be a dude at times. Breakthrough crying. You find temporary relief, but the situation is unstable.

Scared and anxious about the future? Don't think about it, really, literally. Put it aside. You aren't there yet. Getting agitated about things that may not happen is pointless.

You are giving indications that you may be either TS or gender variant. I'll give the same advice I received - think less and do more. Go out. See your therapist. Take some steps in your daily life, etc. And be patient. You're unlikely to get clarity suddenly in this situation. Too much of a lived life to unwind in the process.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

[Kathryn Martin]

I would second what Leah said. One of the great pitfalls of transition and the decisions leading up to it are the What If kind of questions. You start asking those and all you can think of are worst case scenarios. You want to be a woman? Be one! Don't try presenting "emotionally and logically" as a woman. It sounds like the worst stereotypes. It's as if you are using an external paradigm that you are trying to internalize to put on a show. Do you really know what a woman feels, how a woman thinks? This is not something that comes from the outside, it is something that comes from you, evolved over time by living like any other girl grows into a young woman and eventually into a mature woman. It is not driven by behaviors, it drives behaviors. In the tending of that garden, with care and with love come the decisions around transition.

If you are driven by the crisis, by the reflex to fight your way out of this, by the torment then you're like a bull in the china shop and like so many that I see here you break the very thing that needs all of your caring and loving attention. You cannot force anything.

[PaulaQ]

I can relate to wanting to lead a dual life. I mean, you have a lot invested in your life so far. If you transition, you can lose some of it, or even most or all of it. This is a high price to pay.

Unfortunately, there is no bargaining with this stuff. You do whatever you have to do to mitigate it, or at best be miserable, and at worst commit suicide. (You can also wreck your life by NOT doing anything about your GD. Isn't this just a riot?)

And no, all of us are different in our path through transition, between how we got here, to what we do next, There are commonalities, but there are many different experiences on this forum.