back to the drab

[sonialexis]

It had been about a month and a half i was living the fem life. I wouldn't say full time as I wouldn't go out dressed but it would definitely blur the lines. It was a girly girly time, fully shaved, painting my nails everyday and letting it grow out long, sleeping in satin and lace nighties, moving around the house dressed et al. On the last day of this vacation I removed all the polish from my nails, cut my nails, had a haircut and I'm letting the hair on my legs grow back (yuck), I've started my push ups and well mostly being the man for my gf.

i realize and accept the fem side of me will never stop to cease but then life goes on and riding it with my boots on, is the man. That day when i took the haircut, clipped my nails in a way I was relieved too, I didn't have to be self conscious among the guys about the length or the shine and gloss on my nails, the subtle eye liner i would have on, the feminine styling of the hair etc. I did find my hands and toe nails looking very dull, I was so used to the long nails and clear varnish when out, it looked stubby and boring now.

Then there was the sexy lingerie, stockings, tights, heels, wig, a few dresses, tops, skirts, bras and panties what do I do with it? I didn't have a stitch of feminine clothing when I left, I couldn't possibly come back with an extra bag... I ultimately decided to discard it all. it hurt and I did feel bad about that but I do sleep better. I did cling on to one blue satin nightie.

This is my first post where I'm completely in drab, sucks but I still am Sonia somewhere, somewhat and sometimes.

[Katey888]

Sonialexis - so you purge at the end of every 'girly' vacation?? :eek: You have got some real expensive times ahead of you...

And already it seems that you recognise that this isn't going to go away, but you haven't really found harmony, and you are happy with some things because you sleep better, but you miss your exciting nails...? (So do I - had another weekend of red nails - but I digress... I just know how you feel!)

I do feel for you - as I do for all of us in similar circumstances - perhaps you need to think long and hard about how much you are prepared to accommodate these conflicting feelings and how you really do get to a state of harmony in your life. I don't think there are any magic spells to work this one out - it's about you (and your SO) making choices and compromises... and it's about what you really need and want in life. Good luck with working that out.. :hugs:

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Sonia,

I agree with Katey on this. These feelings are obviously not going to go away and you seem to find great pleasure in your girl time. Rather than purge perhaps you should rent a storage locker where you can keep Sonia should you need her. I am guessing your GF does not know about Sonia? If so, then you will probably have to limit yourself to Sonia vacations but perhaps you can make them a little more frequent. I do have to ask though, do you take these vacations away from your normal stomping grounds? If not, it is possible that someone will see you with loner hair, longer varnished nails, subtle eye liner and if you are trying to stay below the radar . . . just saying not conducive.

Anyway, I feel your angst of having to find some balance between being a guy and wanting to be girly. Good luck sweetie.

Hugs

Isha

[Adriana Moretti]

OUCH,....both ladies before me hit the nail on the head....you will be missed...but we will see you soon....I know a great wig shop .....

[Jaylyn]

Very interesting story. As someone said you are gonna spend a fortune on purging the total of the clothes every time you purge. I can tell that you will be back. I took off and purged once and that was to raise four kids. In my line of work it was only men and the type guys from work wouldn't understand so why deal myself that type of misery. I went nearly sixteen years of living the cd life vigorously thru my wife's dressing. I went and helped her pick out clothes and makeup and just about anything female she did I wanted to be there. I survived because of love for the kids and knowing they needed a father figure. I can say we all have sacrificed from time to time for the families. Looking back I wouldn't have done a thing different. The kids all turned out ok and are well founded in jobs and security with kids of their own. I don't know your full situation but if your purge and feelings were put on the back burner for a while I bet every thing will work out. It is tough sometimes to run a home and be a closeted cd.

[Tina_gm]

I know as much as any that the constraints of life can be frustrating for CDing. But, I tend to look at it in the same way as any other constraints life has to offer and the compromises we make for the greater good. I would be plenty happy working less, traveling more and playing more golf. Ah, but then there is the money issue, like not having enough to do those things anyway if I didn't have a full time job. So, because of the full time job, less time for all of the above, but at least I get to do those things somewhat. CDing is no different really, less time, maybe less than fully dressed, underdressing.... nails shorter etc etc. Maybe it doesn't have to be an all or nothing type of deal??

[Beverley Sims]

I am sorry Sonia, it is foolish to purge something that is useful.
I only ask have you got a new girlfriend?

[Chrissy52]

Have walk in your shoes I would suggest you and your So go have a ped/ and nails done together I did this with my so it was a way to send time together and enjoy start with clear on both and then expan slowly . Me toes are now in color all the time my nails always has clear or a color on them . I now have more nail polish than my so .try to find a way to save your stuff you get tired of spending that money over and over again I did.

[sonialexis]

thanks girls for your inputs again. I do want to mention katey888 that yes both me and my SO have got to arrive at our own compromises and choices. That is my compromise for now it is kind of dear loss when you purge and the last I did so was about 3 years back. i don't purge saying to myself I will stop dressing I do it because the fear and worry of someone finding my stash is worse than having to spend a small fortune (i know that's debatable) but that's just the way it is right now. My SO does know about my dressing as I've mentioned in another post, the extent of it all, she's unaware. When the time's right I will maybe talk about it in more detail but at this juncture I'm good (don't fix anything that ain't broke, right?).
We love each other a lot and that is a lot for me, cd ing is a part of me but not my identity, I love it but not more than life, I enjoy it but it's just one of the things among many. Yes I'm conflicted, I'm confused at times about many things, I envy the clarity and the deeper understanding of life some of you girls have. I can only say I'm learning everyday, I have a place here where I can freely vent and share without fearing judgment and for now this is my therapy.

ISHA yes hon these outings are where absolutely not a soul knows me, I wouldn't risk that.