It Ain't All Roses and Candied Apples

[Rachel Smith]

My first day of thorns and pointy sticks.

I had my first doubts about transition yesterday. Everything I've lost was on my mind. Even felt down about losing my sex life for the first time ever. Up to this point everything I have done has been positive and my thoughts followed along, all positive.

I screwed up at the PO and delivered two packages to the wrong address. I think that is what set all the self-doubt into motion. I have a job there that I truely enjoy but what good is that when you can't do it correctly?

On a good note my other job offered me full-time employment but it's only $14.75 /hr. with no insurance and I don't know if I can live on that at least not how I live now. I think I need to go back to my therapist to help me figure this out. Michelle has been trying very hard to help me get through this but I need my therapist. I feel like I want to cry more then I did last night and could do it at the drop of a hat right now. Hormones? They never made me feel like this in the year since I started taking them so I don't think they are the cause.

I feel like I am in a boat with a tiny hole in the bottom that is sinking ever so
s-l-o-w-l-y and I can't stop the water from coming in.

Anyone who has also transitioned ever felt like this?

[emma5410]

I am in my thirteenth month of being full time. I know some people seem to breeze through it but it has been a long difficult road full of self doubt. The big change recently is that I have stopped thinking negative thoughts. They are still out there but I refuse to give them a voice. Unlike some, I went full time because I felt I had no choice. It was this or most probably suicide. I have come to realise that I should concentrate on the positives. And there are many. I am happy living as a woman. It feels right and natural.
All I can say is keep going. Do not let the negatives dominate your thoughts. The only way is to move forward. Things will never be perfect. They are not for most people but they will be better than they were. Keep going it does get better.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is nothing wrong with changing your plan...there is nothing wrong with doubting things that you are uncertain about..and you will experience many ups and downs and they may be huge ups/downs..

Try to consider why got to this point and whether your quality of life is better or worse...

when I got to the point of transition I had 2 + years of therapy and a journal of my thoughts...I was looking at it the other day and at some point I may post some of my ramblings... it is good to look back and RELIVE how you felt.. it's an anchor that proves beyond any doubt at all that transition was the right thing (for me)...nobody should go through the hell of realizing this is who you are and having to blow up your life..but life isn't fair, so you have to put that behind you

Don't be shy about looking at your most honest thoughts... one of my thoughts that I had to overcome was that I was an "uber crossdresser" and this was all a fantasy...I felt selfish and ashamed.....this was deeply ingrained in me ...I felt all kinds of terrible feelings about what I was doing

...but I did the really hard work on myself...i took risks and I learned to think in terms of the fact that I deserved to live by my values and principals...and that was only possible if I lived true to my identity..
over the course of transition I learned this was more fulfilling than indulging in feelings, self pity, or even fantasizing that I could make it ok without transitioning...

Years later it all seems like it never happened. there is no emotional scar (I thought for years there would be).. I just am...and my past just is...

[mbmeen12]

Congrads on offer:) A job is better than no offer. And as far as screwing up it happens at any job! My boss takes me to the wood shed /to task all the time. I have warned my wife I just might come home one day and say I quit today... When that happens I am running to VA to start counseling /my treatment plan. Sex is so important in our minds that no sex truly hurts/messes with us gurls. So to answer your question, yes every day I question the discomfort/mind spins I feel. Please keep smiling and keep writing to us xoxo Kara

[noeleena]

Hi.

Depends on a few details about ones self , i know im a very strong woman part of that is by default of how i was born yet that does not say i have it all together i have doughts about myself i know what its like hitting rock bottom , depression and a number of details about myself that are missing thoughts about suicide , yes i know and been through hell 8 years of, yes the rose's are lovely and the perfume with out that, its harder,

Yet you know what those thorns do pack a sting to them its not the first hit thats the hardest its days later or weeks months after, that it gets to you, little things set you off and you think,
why the hell did i bother,

yes i antisipated a lot of Emotion's you know something there were a lot i never saw, and yes that sure was hard working through and to dispare frustrastion and heartache , theres no easy answer you just do a day at a time, never had the candy apple's though i was given better than them .

I worked on my own and through the issues i had and i had to be relinant on myself to get through, and one detail out of this was the harder it got the stronger i became yes taken over 20 years to be where i should be and am at,

i had many others help me and just be there when i needed them because there were details i could not do so they steped in and worked with me,

yes there were many days i wonted to just give up and say thats it ,,,,its over,

What really helped was a tiny little bundle that was given us and myself at the right time was Dejarn our grandchild and she really was the one who keeped me alive, i vocused on her and she's now 12, this is the reason we are so so close ,

What can i say ...... dont give up dont dispare, keep on smelling those Rose's because i now know what i would have missed out on , had i taken my leave, ....

...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

I have good days and bad days. I get through the bad ones. It makes no difference to me when I consider what I lost (2 of my kids) but there is really nothing I can do but wait. There is nothing to go back to for me. I cannot look like that guy anymore, I forgot how to act like him, and since everyone knows this about me there is little I could do to go back. People will always see the girl anyway.

Some days I look in the mirror and think....ughhhh. Some days I am proud of what I see. If there is something I can change for the better I look for ways to accomplish that. If I can't...well then No point dwelling on it too long.

[I Am Paula]

My transition has been relatively smooth. I'm not bragging here, just, my wife grudgingly puts up with me, I am mostly retired, but the work I do is self employed for the music industry, who are pretty liberal. I had the opportunity to make myself scarce for a couple years. My family likes me better as Paula, and I lost very few friends.
Easy peasy right?
I STILL have major WTF moments, after over two years full time. Not often, but enough to cry myself to sleep, or really seriously question my judgement, and sanity. There are triggers to my panic attacks. Sudden unfounded fear that I will run out of money. Dreams about my guy life (scary), Sometimes I can just look in the mirror and panic!
My feeling is that this is completely normal, and may never go away. No matter how long we have lived as women, there is our undeniable past, that we may as well embrace, because it is part of our makeup.
Most of us know there is no alternative to the path we are on. I know I can't go back, So I may as well look forward, and deal with the WTF moment (hours, days) as they come. If they get bad enough, see a therapist, bar tender, clergyman, whatever gets you thru. Cry if you have to.
We are in one of the few situations in life that we cannot undo the problem.

[Inna]

life is a boat with a hole in it, everything we do takes an effort. Most of the time, things we do become innately embedded and so feel as though no effort was present.

Yes undoubtedly transition was and still is the hardest most gruesome endeavor I set out on.

What saved me every time I had doubts, was the visualization of detransitioning and coming back to the deceitful life of HIS. The thought was enough to propel my spirit forward.

Then again, there are some who do detransition, however I doubt they are truly happy.........

[Leah Lynn]

Rachel, $14.75 without insurance is not much money. I make right around that and if it weren't for lots of overtime, I'd be in the hole. At least I have health insurance. As far as the packages, my father once told me that the only people that never screw up, are the ones that never do anything. I recently got a new letter carrier. The previous one screwed up at least once a week, usually more often. I often received mail for a person two blocks over. I didn't realize that "Pine St." and "Elm St." were so similar. I've been on HRT for five months now, and plan to begin RLE at the end of the year. I have had a couple episodes of wanting to stop everything and purge. Just go back to the "easy" life. Luckily, several friends were able to talk me out of it. ** Found on Zedge: my wallpaper says, "When you feel like quitting think about why you started."

Hang in there, girl, it will pass!

Hugs,

Leah

[Rachel Smith]

Thank you all very much. I never considered detransition. I just wanted to know if anyone else had moments like this, illicit some help and find out how others got through something like this. As always my friends here helped a lot. I appreciate that and hope I can do the same for you.

Now back to the situation at hand. I feel much better today, the doubts and self pity are gone. I cried with Michelle again yesterday afternoon while we were waiting for our Chinese take out. We talked about how I was feeling and why. How I was feeling was the easy part. It was the why that I couldn't immediately identify and that is what bothered me. Talking it out with Michelle helped too. From our conversation I gathered that as Kara said I was just being to hard on myself.

Noleena one day at a time sounds good and I will try to apply that.

Paula I never had a WTF moment considering transition but this one has changed all that. At least now I can identify them for what they are.

Kaitlyn my quality of life is much, much better then it has ever been, thank you for reminding me of that.

Emma I have trouble staying positive and have always been pretty much a pessimist. Since I transitioned I have been pretty much positive but I guess I just fell back into old habits. I will try to stay aware of them now.

Again thanks to each and everyone that helped me through.
Hugs
Rachel

[Angela Campbell]

see there....take out chineese makes everything better