Billiejosehine
02-25-2014, 03:45 PM
It has been almost a month since I had to leave and get my own place on Jan 27th. And during that time I have been through a lot emotionally; while trying to figure things out, getting back on my feet, and enjoying my freedom in being who I am. I am seeing a therapist, which is helpful. But as I wrote in a pervious thread, I still have good days where I know what I want and bad days where I question myself and feel torn. I have been struggling with these emotions for a while now, which I've been told is normal. What makes it difficult is how I feel towards my ex and she will say things like...she's confused, there's no trust, and doesn't know what the future holds; she's taking it a day at a time and that's all she can do. She also says if we get back together in the future, she's all for it, but she needs to really see some change. I have doubts about her motives and question if what she says is genuine.
Now, I know that she still hurts, frustrated, angry, and had a lot of pain. She had envisioned this life and the rug was pulled from underneath her feet. What has been said can't be taken back and in her eyes her husband is dead. So it's no wonder why she makes comments about the marriage being fake or not knowing who I am. Her asking for time, space, and in some ways avoiding me. Because when she sees I bring back certain emotions; while getting her own life back in order as a single parent. She still feels the need to protect the kids from me and only allows me to see them under supervision. There's no court order saying she can have it this way, but she doesn't care. I did tell her how I never asked to have GD and I enjoying going through this. When I also told her how I rather have cancer then GD, she got mad at me saying I would rather have cancer. If a choice, I would choose a life with my family; still being married with my ex. But I know that's not so easy. The thing is a friend that knows about my GD and need to transition; asked me a month ago if I was ready, because it was going to be hard and I may loose people I love. The other day she brought up the fact that I had said yes, but it seems I'm still not ready. Why can't I just let go of an old idea in hopes it will work, instead of just going forward and leaving my old life behind. I hate this emotional back and forth, it's getting me nowhere fast.
Now, I know that she still hurts, frustrated, angry, and had a lot of pain. She had envisioned this life and the rug was pulled from underneath her feet. What has been said can't be taken back and in her eyes her husband is dead. So it's no wonder why she makes comments about the marriage being fake or not knowing who I am. Her asking for time, space, and in some ways avoiding me. Because when she sees I bring back certain emotions; while getting her own life back in order as a single parent. She still feels the need to protect the kids from me and only allows me to see them under supervision. There's no court order saying she can have it this way, but she doesn't care. I did tell her how I never asked to have GD and I enjoying going through this. When I also told her how I rather have cancer then GD, she got mad at me saying I would rather have cancer. If a choice, I would choose a life with my family; still being married with my ex. But I know that's not so easy. The thing is a friend that knows about my GD and need to transition; asked me a month ago if I was ready, because it was going to be hard and I may loose people I love. The other day she brought up the fact that I had said yes, but it seems I'm still not ready. Why can't I just let go of an old idea in hopes it will work, instead of just going forward and leaving my old life behind. I hate this emotional back and forth, it's getting me nowhere fast.