One of those days

[Billiejosehine]

It has been almost a month since I had to leave and get my own place on Jan 27th. And during that time I have been through a lot emotionally; while trying to figure things out, getting back on my feet, and enjoying my freedom in being who I am. I am seeing a therapist, which is helpful. But as I wrote in a pervious thread, I still have good days where I know what I want and bad days where I question myself and feel torn. I have been struggling with these emotions for a while now, which I've been told is normal. What makes it difficult is how I feel towards my ex and she will say things like...she's confused, there's no trust, and doesn't know what the future holds; she's taking it a day at a time and that's all she can do. She also says if we get back together in the future, she's all for it, but she needs to really see some change. I have doubts about her motives and question if what she says is genuine.
Now, I know that she still hurts, frustrated, angry, and had a lot of pain. She had envisioned this life and the rug was pulled from underneath her feet. What has been said can't be taken back and in her eyes her husband is dead. So it's no wonder why she makes comments about the marriage being fake or not knowing who I am. Her asking for time, space, and in some ways avoiding me. Because when she sees I bring back certain emotions; while getting her own life back in order as a single parent. She still feels the need to protect the kids from me and only allows me to see them under supervision. There's no court order saying she can have it this way, but she doesn't care. I did tell her how I never asked to have GD and I enjoying going through this. When I also told her how I rather have cancer then GD, she got mad at me saying I would rather have cancer. If a choice, I would choose a life with my family; still being married with my ex. But I know that's not so easy. The thing is a friend that knows about my GD and need to transition; asked me a month ago if I was ready, because it was going to be hard and I may loose people I love. The other day she brought up the fact that I had said yes, but it seems I'm still not ready. Why can't I just let go of an old idea in hopes it will work, instead of just going forward and leaving my old life behind. I hate this emotional back and forth, it's getting me nowhere fast.

[Katey888]

Dealing with any type of change is difficult, BillieJo - and what you and your ex are going through is as high as it gets on the scale of difficult to understand, emotional trauma. You may not feel as if things are moving along but if you look back over where you were several weeks and perhaps a couple of months ago, my perspective would be that you are in a much more stable emotional place.

Sure, things are going to be difficult - and they may not even have got any easier short-term, but you've taken and made the hard choices for what is right for you - and therefore for everyone who cares about you - for the longer term. It's hard to be patient, and tough to keep going sometimes, I'm sure, but you should remind yourself you are making progress, that progress will continue, and what will come out the other end will be better for you (first) and everyone else because of that.

I believe also your ex's response and feelings are at least partially understandable - with time, and with your stability, I hope that she'll come round to understanding that you are still the person you once were, just un-conflicted now, but that will take time.

Take it easy - you are making progress - you are courageous and honest and that counts for a lot in my book! :hugs:

Katey x

[Kristy 56]

Billie, I wish that I had advice,or words to say that would make everything alright. I only can offer my thoughts and wishes that you' re able to work this out and feel better.
Hugs,
Kristy :)

[traci_k]

You keep holding on to hope because you have a good heart and love your family. I know the feeling, I've been fighting it for several years now. Understand that you are not being selfish as you will probably be accused of. What it comes down to is survival. If your survival is selfish, so be it, but at least you can still be there for your kids one way or another. No one willingly chooses to have GD. It's the hand we are dealt. The choices sometimes suck but we have to do the best we can. Keep your spirits up honey knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing and there are people out here who care about you.

Wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything's going to be allright. Be strong.

[mikiSJ]

Billie

There are a lot of us girls in the Bay Area and a lot of support is available to you - reach out, we'll make time for you.

[Christen]

Obviously a tough time for you and your family, thinking of you. Hope you getting good professional support, I can't imagine how difficult it would be at this point in your life.
Take special care of yourself,

Christen x

[Tina_gm]

It seems like you and your wife are going round and round.... maybe you have laid it all out to her, maybe she has for you, but it doesn't sound as though either of you have. What do you need with this? what does she need from you? Can you envision a life with the male role still present? Can she envision a life with a female role, although not entirely? If you feel you just cannot provide such a role, then it should be best you let go.

[carhill2mn]

I am assuming that your use of the word "ex" when refering to your wife that you are divorced. If so, there should be some sort of court order re: your visitation rights to see your kids. If not, you need one.

If you are divorced, I do not understand why you are still having discussions with your ex and giving her opportunites to berate you. This not good for her, your children or you. You are at a point where you must look after yourself and move on.
Otherwise, it is like picking at a scab that is preventing the wound from healing.

These will not be easy times. I wish the best for you.

[Beverley Sims]

Billie,
Stay in contact, don't let emotions take charge, put up with the arrangements for the childrens access for now, they will exert their own pressure in time.
If feelings are strong enough things may get better. JUST DO NOT DESPAIR.

Think of what the future might hold, it can't be all that bleak.