Head Over Heels by Virginia Ehrhardt, PhD

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife loves me but is horrified by CD. She is saddened by being cast as the bad guy in our drama (not by me). She looks at our family counselor of 20 years as the enemy and is estranged from him now. This book is her latest attempt at understanding. Should it help her?

[Beverley Sims]

Helen,
I thought I would get the ball rolling here.
A lot of people mention the book "My Husband Betty" as suitable reading.
I am not familiar with either book so I have no suggestions for you.

[Barbie Anne]

I haven't read either of those 2 books but I have heard of "My Husband Betty".

I think the point you should be focusing on is not that she's still horrified after 20 years of counseling but that she's still trying.
She obviously loves you so much that she just keeps plugging away at it. Maybe try a different counselor that specializes in tg/ts/cd issues, that's be my vote :)

[audreyinalbany]

Head over Heels is more of an overview of different degrees of transgender expression. It's a collection of interviews with women whose husbands range from cross dressers to transitioning women. My Husband Betty is one woman's experience. I"ve personally never found any great insight or education in books about gender expression, and i don't think that my wife found much reassurance in reading about it either.

[Katey888]

Helen - what about 'Alice in Genderland' by Alice Novic? I found many of the concepts that she discussed struck a chord with me and how I feel about what I do. Given that she's also a therapist and MD it seems to have more than a little professionalism behind it, but again, it's just one individual's perspective - the website is quite informative as a summary too.

Take heart from the fact that at least your wife is continuing to seek out other information... that has to be good...?

Katey x

[Shadeauxmarie]

I've read all the books mentioned, but enjoyed 'Alice in Genderland' the most. I wouldn't want my wife to read it because it involves infidelity. She is afraid I will got out looking for sex. I wouldn't, but that's her fear.

[Caden Lane]

I'm in the process of reading Alice in Genderland. I do not think id recommend it to a CD who is having a difficult time helping their SO learn about dressing. It may raise more awkward questions than what it settles.

[bridget thronton]

I think Alice is good read for a CD but not an SO unless polyamory is already part of the relationship. My wife read my Husband Betty and said it helped her. I read Head Over Heels and liked it for myself (my wife has her own books to read and has not read all the books on gender we have in the house).

[Annaliese]

You know your wife better than anyone, read the books your self, then decide if your wife would be interested and would help her understanding.

[Jenniferathome]

Helen, I have not read this book but I am always shocked that My Husband Betty and "Alice in Genderland" are referenced at wife appropriate books. In the first, the husband transitions, in the second, the husband has homosexual relationships. I can not imagine two more shocking and disturbing examples for a newly initiated wife to cross dressing. These are the two most common MISCONCEPTIONS about cross dressing! While these books, no doubt, struck a chord for some cross dressers, I would not ask my wife to read either, ever.

Now, the recap to the book you mention, at least, has multiple parties represented, meaning no one story is "it" for a cross dresser. BEFORE YOU ASK YOUR WIFE TO READ IT, read it yourself from HER perspective.

From Head over Heels summary on Amazon:

"Candid, first-hand accounts of couples who stay together despite highly emotional gender issues.

Head Over Heels gives voice to thirty ordinary women who live extraordinary lives as partners to crossdressers, transgenderists, and male-to-female transsexuals. These unique women discuss, with honesty and great candor, how they first learned of their partners’ gender issues, how they’ve coped with the emotions that followed, how they’ve dealt with concerns about privacy/secrecy, and how they’ve handled disclosure to children, friends, and family members. Far from a collection of “happily ever after” stories, these narratives are filled with pain, courage, curiosity, and joy as each woman struggles to redefine a relationship that includes intimacy, social acceptance, dignity, and respect.

The women whose stories are featured in Head Over Heels didn't know their partners were gender-variant when they first met. Some found out early on; others learned of their husbands' gender variance after decades of marriage. Some were told by their husbands—men they considered “regular guys;” others found out on their own, sometimes in shocking ways. Their stories represent a wide spectrum of women's life experiences with crossdressers, transgenderists, transsexuals who are nonoperative, pre-operative, and post-operative, families without children, families with children at home, and families with children who have left home. But these women share one thing in common: each has decided to stay in her relationship, exploring her new life with an open, yet cautious, heart."

[Nadine Spirit]

My wife does not recommend My Husband Betty for info on helping SOs understand CDs. Betty is not a CD, Betty transitioned. That is/was my wife's greatest fear. Thus that particular book just freaked her out all the more.

If your wife considers your therapist the enemy, I suspect it is because he has not helped to "cure" you of your CD affliction. If that is what your wife wants for you, then it will be tough to suggest any book that she would enjoy.

For my wife, the thing that has helped her the most has been me learning to understand myself and thus then being able to articulate that to her.

[Sarasometimes]

Sounds like your therapist may have taken sides. You may offer her the option of finding a therapist of her choosing for the two of you to go to. Not sure about a book helping unless it is very close to your situation.

[Barbra P]

As others have mentioned, in the book “My Husband Betty” By Helen Boyd her husband transitions and I think that is one of the primary fears of many wives. I’d suggest “My Husband Wears my Clothes – Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Dr. Peggy J. Rudd; she is not a medical Doctor but rather a PhD. In the book she describes how her husband’s cross dressing strengthened their marriage. I think Dr. Rudd’s book might be more appropriate for your Wife to read.

Dr. Rudd has another book out, “Crossdressing with Dignity – The Case for Transcending Gender Lines”. I have not read this book as yet but there have been a number of posts from members stating that they found this book more helpful from their own perspective.

I agree with Nadine and think your Wife was looking to your Therapist to “cure” you. My Doctor referred me to the Psychiatry Department and therapy when I mentioned having a gender issue. During the first session Kelly, my Therapist, explained that there was no known “cure”. If I was looking for a “cure” I was wasting her time and my and I should leave. However if I was seeking help and understanding as to why I chose to crossdress she could be of help and she has helped.

[SAMANN]

My wife and I both read Dr. Rudd's book and found it very useful and informative. She has been very supportive over the last year with my cross dressing. As I have had some medical issues and just had surgery on the boy parts my cross dressing has been very limited. When we talk about it she gets nervous and has expressed fears that I want to become a woman. She was especially afraid that with the surgery I had I would just ask the Dr. to remove it completely. (Crossed my mind for all of about 10 seconds or less) Now that I am on the other side with all parts relatively intact (have to have the final surgery in 6 months) She is feeling better and more comfortable with this aspect of our life. I just have to remember to keep talking to her about it so that when I do dress again (soon I hope) it wont be a shock all over again.

Samantha

[bimini1]

Believe me. The last thing you want an non-accepting wife to read is Alice In Genderland. Don't get me wrong, its a page turner for sure. But don't give her that book. You don't want to push her completely off the ledge, if she starts thinking, well, you are gonna do what Alice did. That is go down the rabbit hole.

Even though some of the Peggy Rudd stuff can sugar coat things and look at it with rose colored glasses, I found her books to be helpful years ago with a girlfriend of mine who was at least open minded. Those books really gave me confidence in myself too. Written by the wife of one of our late, dear members here too. That girlfriend went on to become my supportive spouse.

Virginia was my therapist when I was living down south, and she was very helpful but I never got her book. I may need to pick it up.

There are some here who are not a fan of JJ Allen's Man In the Red Velvet Dress. But truthfully, I thought it to be as honest,real and straightforward account of what CD is about as I've ever read. And I've read a lot of books on the subject. He lays out everything. Family, work, society and how it all relates to the CD.

[Vickie_CDTV]

For the wife of the heterosexual crossdresser, THE book is "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd. The last thing one wants to do when giving a book to a wife trying to understand is Alice in Genderland (the last thing a wife wants to think about is the idea of their husband having homosexual affairs.)

[PaulaQ]

Helen, I have not read this book but I am always shocked that My Husband Betty and "Alice in Genderland" are referenced at wife appropriate books. In the first, the husband transitions, in the second, the husband has homosexual relationships. I can not imagine two more shocking and disturbing examples for a newly initiated wife to cross dressing. These are the two most common MISCONCEPTIONS about cross dressing! While these books, no doubt, struck a chord for some cross dressers, I would not ask my wife to read either, ever.

Betty hadn't transitioned by the time either of Helen Boyd's books were written. Betty did ultimately transition, but I fail to see how this represents a misconception about CDs - some of y'all transition. Indeed, this is one of Helen's complaints in MHB - that everyone DENIED that some CDs transition. Sure surprised her when she met some who did.

Are you suggesting that we should only tell our spouses the convenient parts of the truth?

[ReineD]

I haven't read the book but I did find this review:

http://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/K_Wester_Head_2008.pdf

I do worry about conflating crossdressers with transsexuals especially for a novice reading this. A wife's biggest worry is that her husband might want to be a woman, even if he doesn't act on it to physically transition. It is much easier to incorporate the CDing into a marriage than transsexualism. I don't know how well Erhardt separates the two. Might a novice assume, while reading this book, that crossdressing eventually does lead to transsexualism?

The review claims that Erhardt is objective in that she does provide information on CDs and TSs struggles prior to each woman's story. But if the emotional focus is on the woman's story and her point of view, then I wonder if a novice reader might not best relate to what she is seeking, namely confirmation of the horrible (?) struggles and lives of the wives of CDs and TSs?

I suggest that you read the book in tandem with your wife, and that you sit down after each chapter to discuss what fits and what doesn't. This is an emotionally difficult time for her and she does need validation for her feelings. But, care must be taken to not have your wife imagine things about you that aren't there. This means that you must be crystal clear about your motives and needs.

I also would not recommend either of Helen Boyd's books or Alice in Genderland ... not for a GG who is new at this. I think all three books would be OK to read once your wife has participated for some time in a forum like this one, and she has gleaned a thorough understanding of the full trans spectrum and where most people fall along the bell curve.

[Jenniferathome]

..Are you suggesting that we should only tell our spouses the convenient parts of the truth?

Not at all Paula. To be clear, the misconception is that "cross dressers transition" or "cross dressers are gay." The truth is that SOME people transition and those few people sometimes thought they were simply cross dressers. The same truth can be stated about gay cross dressers, yes, SOME are gay. The misconception is black and white when it is such a tiny percentage that actually transition.

[Tina_gm]

Paula, not everyone here has our femininity and gender issues hit us like an avalanche the way yours did. I would agree, that some of what is out there is not the best material for new S/O's who are just becoming aware of their partners CDing. Like a public pool, and say you are a decent swimmer, but not a high dive champ or anything... and your wife has never swam before.... has never even seen water before. Not a good idea to throw her in the deep end. And, that is not where all of us swim anyway. So, start her in the kiddie pool and slowly get her acclimated to your level.

[PaulaQ]

@Jennifer - fair enough. I don't think the percentage of CDs who transition ultimately who are members here, at least active ones, is all that tiny, but in the population over all, sure, no argument.

My opinion is that SO's are better off hearing the whole truth:
- I don't wanna transition now, I can't see ever doing it
- some small % of people like me who CD do end up transitioning
- Nobody can predict the future about anything, especially this
- There isn't anything that can stop it if it happens
- There's no reason to worry about it actively. All kinds of bad stuff could happen to me in the future - I could die in a traffic accident. Do you worry about that? No, you don't, because there isn't anything you can do to prevent it.

This was Helen's complaint - everyone spared her worrying about this to the point they never told her it could happen at all. And ultimately, it did happen to her.

[Tina_gm]

Most won't.... simply because the desire to be feminine or a woman is just not strong enough to go through it, and that the part of them that is a guy isn't ready to pack up and leave either. For S/O's, sure, the conversation should happen, how far, would you, could you?? There are some on here, some in the TS forum that are not ready to transition due to the life they have. Maybe if things were different for them..... There are some who just like the occasional thrill and that's it. Most of us on this forum are somewhere between the two, and I do believe that a CDer should be upfront with how far, the what ifs as much as they know and are able to identify with. Still though, When the S/O's are just in the beginning of learning about this, presenting all of what is in the TG spectrum can be massively overwhelming. 1st they should learn what their CD partner is all about, and then go from there if they choose to.

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife found the book herself on Amazon. She is up to the third case study. She identifies strongly so far. More later. Hard to post using phone.

[prettytoes]

For the wife of the heterosexual crossdresser, THE book is "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd. The last thing one wants to do when giving a book to a wife trying to understand is Alice in Genderland (the last thing a wife wants to think about is the idea of their husband having homosexual affairs.)

I have to agree with Vickie. I bought and read "My Husband Wears My Clothes" and "My Husband Betty". The former was much more suitable to my situation (I just like the clothes...I have no desire to transition), and better to calm my wife's fears. She is still not thrilled with my CD, but she is understanding and I no longer have to hide it from her. There are a few boundries that I won't cross out of respect for her, but I am able to express myself for the most part.

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife has numerous complaints; however, one of the bigger ones is that the women are marginalized by their therapists. Their feelings are ignored in favor of the self centered cross dressers. The arm of flesh has me in its grasp at the expense of my spiritual side. The s word is repeatedly mentioned as soon to be the owner of my soul.

[PaulaQ]

Helen Boyd's books both made me cry. My Husband Betty is a great book. So tragic she made the odds 1:1,000,000 when they are obviously so much higher than that.

I'm sad though, for all of the genetic women in TG relationships, but especially the ones who end up with a transitioning spouse. :(

[MatildaJ.]

I'm sorry, Helen, for what you and your wife are going through. But I wanted to give a wife's perspective on some of the books available.

Like Paula, Boyd's She's Not the Man I Married had me crying all the way through. But I appreciated Boyd's honesty. I've never wanted any of this to be sugarcoated for me. Just like a cancer diagnosis, I'd rather know the odds than have my doctors (or my spouse) lying to me about where this was going.

I loved Julie Serano's Whipping Girl because she says that not every TS always knew they were TS. Some get taken by surprise. That helped me feel that my husband and I were going through these changes together, rather than him having deliberately, coldly lied to me for decades.

Also, Serano presents a feminist perspective, which was a relief, as most men on the gender spectrum (at least the ones I'd seen) seem to have a frankly regressive view of women & gender roles (women are unserious, all about appearances, and need a man's protection and chivalry). I was happy to find out that a man could transition into the kind of feminist woman I usually choose for my friends. I was certainly not going to spend the rest of my life with the kind of woman I hated in high school, but now there was hope, however the wind blew.

[Tina_gm]

You know Jess, as I have come to terms with myself, some of what I thought about women I am now finding are not as accurate as I thought. The more I listen and see things, the more it appears to me the differences between men and women are not so drastic. Sort of like two sides of the same coin rather than two different coins. Oddly enough though, I have read on here some rather unflattering renditions of what some on here think women are or should be about.

If there are TS girls who have been able to deny to themselves who they really are well into adulthood, it certainly stands to reason that CDers, who are somewhere in the middle can and have done the same. To some extent, I did. I never created a false male persona as many TS girls have, but I denied the existence of my feminine side. It certainly can and does happen.

[JenniferR771]

Love her respect her--and don't expect much change.
I, too, like Peggy Rudd's book "My husband wears my clothes". My Counselor borrowed it from me. Her husband Melanie was a member here for years. Peggy also has about 4 additional books.
About your wife's counselor--that happens--if she cannot get the counselor to agree with her. Happened to me. If he is really smart--he will help her--but he has to regain her confidence.
Myself, I don't think cding is against moral teachings.

[ReineD]

It's almost impossible to successfully argue against religious dogma, Helen. I'm sorry.

But, at least your wife is reading a book that also attempts to explain trans issues. Maybe some of it will filter through, and she will perhaps come to understand that you do need to express your femininity, even if she chooses to not be involved. She may still believe that your soul is eternally lost, but you never know ... she may find a way to reconcile this. The mind is capable of all kinds of rationalizations.

I think that we're barking up the wrong tree by debating which books your wife should read. At this point I don't think she cares to understand the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual. The importance here is for your wife to understand there are people on this planet who are not heteronormative.

I continue to wish you all the best. :hugs:

[Helen Grandeis]

I agree Reine. I did start reading the book and I think it will help. Thankyou

[Lorileah]

*moderators note* No discussions of specific religions are allowed on these boards. If it keeps going there I will close the thread.

[Helen Grandeis]

I am on page 81. finding it to be a good read.

My wife finished the book. I watched her flip through the internet resources at the end of the book. I wonder how far down the line this thread was on the non-member view. The title is right on the thread.

Her parting comment, "all these women made changes to accommodate their men"

Her attitude is take no prisoners. Her idea of my making accommodation is absolute and total self denial. Throughout the end of the book where the TS couples are discussed she repeatedly said that the women were nuts. We agreed that one particular CD husband was a jerk. She then said that I was nice person and nothing like the jerk. So even in the darkest night, a star twinkles through th clouds.

She seems very reluctant to set up an email address to join any groups. This is a double edged sword.

[Michaella]

It may. It has quite a range of stories, of wives who are appalled by cross-dressing, to those who have embraced it. I think what it will tell her is that she is not the only one with concerns and fears and questions, and that there are many ways things can go.

My Husband Betty is a wonderful book. But it may be very off-putting to a wife who is at best on the fence, as the author is clearly enthusiastic about having a cross-dressing husband.

Michaella

[Helen Grandeis]

My wife had a lay spiritual counseling session that greatly relieved her stress level. When she was done the counselor wanted to talk with me. We talked for twenty or so minutes. He is a warm and loving man of great depth - for a lay person whose day job is an engineering director. He is inclined to think that CD activities are not appropriate for me. I explained that CD was how my brain was wired. He said that no matter how our brains are wired, we all exercise control over our behavior. He reminded me that I did not tell My wife about CD prior to our marriage.

The final thing he said was that we all give up things when we get married.
He gave up NFL football on Sunday.

Moderator --- I am ready for you to close this thread, thank-you.