Full time?

[ChelseaAnn]

Ok, so the deal my wife and I made pretty much allows me to be full time as Chelsea, with the exception of certain situations. I can't be Chelsea at work (too risky on losing my job), and I have to take my time introducing it to some people, like our families. (Note: her family knows I'm trans, most of mine does not).
Now, I'd still like to transition someday, so I'm hoping that living with a "girl" might make her feel more comfortable about that idea.
So, is anyone else full time, or mostly full time? I'd love to Skype with someone and chat.

[kimdl93]

My situation is similar to yours. I'm mostly full time and out to some family, neighbors, friends and business associates. I still present as male in most work situations and probably will continue to do so.

When you speak of transitioning someday, think of what you are doing and have already done as part of that transition. It's a period of incremental changes for you, from the male persona you once presented towards the female of the future. It's also a period of adjustment for your wife and to an extent the others in your life.

The transition you speak of, I presume, involves HRT and perhaps SRS. Your patient efforts today will help build the foundation for your wife's response, hopefully supportive, of the later stages. Use this time as best you can to put her concerns or fears to rest. Do your best to reassure her of both your emotional commitment to her, your attention to her needs and interests and ...to the extent you can ...toward building a personal financial base sufficient for a secure life after transition.

[ChelseaAnn]

Wow. Do you have Skype? That's sort of what I'm going for, building a foundation for her to understand how to live with another woman. Probably not SRS, unless I hit the lottery, but yes, HRT. I can't transition yet anyway, what with laws (or lack thereof) and such. No protection to keep my job unfortunately, and my state is against same-sex marriage (not sure if that matters, but would rather not chance it)

[ClaudineD]

Enjoying about 80% full on......other is reserved for work as they know but because of interaction with clients, it was agreed that 75% of that time is in drab....I have no problem honoring that situation. With hormone program there just is nothing in the old plumbing side to show....amazing what a little pill can do!!!!!......so once ease into different role with work, it will then be 100% at work....I fully embrace my current setup and know it is beneficial for all around.....spend many hours with secretaries and staff in femme mode.....I am lucky for what I have.....remember .......others are affected by your choices and the overall picture has to be considered.....

[Jenniferathome]

Chelsea, your wife can be understanding and completely supportive of you while you are still physically male. Regardless of her love and affection and support of you, however, do you expect her to stay married to you when you are physically female? I think that is an unrealistic outcome. It is not unheard of, but certainly rare. Are you prepared/preparing for that outcome?

[Barbie Anne]

Yes that's wondeful for you that she's so supportive. Mine has also said the very same thing. But I have to stop myself and think: How is she REALLY going to feel about being married to a woman after the fact? Have you two discussed this?

Some women really have a hard time with it, which doesn't mean they don't love and support you. Mine's words were to the effect; "I love you and I want you to be happy and comfortable but I don't want to be a lesbian". I'm sure she's not the only woman out there that feels that way.

[Beverley Sims]

I am wondering, are you just going to cast your wife aside and forget about marriage and why you married in the first place?

[Helen Grandeis]

In a sense you are very lucky. I would test the waters with a long weekend trip and then a week vacation before you jump to conclusions about her acceptance of you presenting as a female "full time".

[Linda Leigh]

I have to agree with Beverly!! Your wife will not want to stay in a marriage without her husband IMHO. Give her plenty of time to think this though. I hope all works out for you :)

[Stephanie47]

When you use the term "deal" that suggests to me there was some negotiations in arriving at an understanding. You have not stated whether or not your wife was aware of your intent or desires prior to marriage. It always seems these situations are fluid. If you're going to live as a woman whenever possible and undergo HRT you're really going to change the dynamics of your marriage. Do not get upset if your wife pulls away from you, if she feels you are no longer the person who she fell in love with. If she is willing to remain married to you and reside in a state with no legal protection for expressing your gender identity, you may want to consider moving to a state where there is legal protection. If you undergo some visual transformation to appear as a woman (breasts, long hair, long fingernails), you may find yourself fired from a job.

I agree with Jennifer.

[ChelseaAnn]

Ok, I'm gonna try to answer everything that was asked. I'll just read through each post and answer if it's not a repeated question.

Jennifer: no, I never expected her to stay when I first came out as transgender. She says she is ok with me just dressing, and I do believe her about that. It's very early in this arrangement, so this is probably "testing the waters." Realistically, I don't know if she can handle being married to a woman. Only time will tell I suppose.

Barbie: you had pretty much the same question. My wife had a similar answer. I don't know if I will do SRS, because of price, and the "downstairs" doesn't bother me to the point that I need SRS.

Beverly: I am not certain about what you are asking, so I do not want to assume. I do love my wife, and I want to keep us together if it is possible.

Helen: yes, that does sound like a good idea. Add to the problems of having an 11 month old, I do wonder. But, we will see how she is in the future.

Linda and Stephanie: you had repeat questions, but Linda, yes I will be giving her plenty of time to consider what she wants to do. I believe she does want a father figure for our son, and I don't blame her for that. But I will not leave her, it will have to be her choice. Stephanie, she did not know before we were married. It had come up once, but I did not have a full understanding of my trans issues myself back then. I will understand how my wife feels no matter what. I am still surprised to this day that she is still with me.

[Dianne S]

I am nowhere near full-time, but I realized ~6 weeks ago that I want to transition. I have started therapy with a gender therapist and have my first laser appointment next week. I will CD more around the house and plan to go full-time at some point.

My wife (understandably) is shell-shocked. However, we are working hard to find a way to stay together in some sort of relationship. I do not know if we'll succeed, but I believe we are both making honest efforts to stay together. It's a very difficult situation.

I luckily own my own business, so there's no-one to fire me, and live in a place where gender expression is protected.

[PaulaQ]

Chelsea, I have skype and I live 24/7 as a woman - I'm currently transitioning.

Does your wife know of your desire to transition physically at some point? You need to be honest with her about this. Are you seeing a therapist? You should be if you feel this way.

PM me if you want to talk further via Skype.

[ChelseaAnn]

Dawn,

Yeah, we were there already. Only a week after I came out to her, and she left me, but only for a day. She wanted so badly to keep us together that she came back. We had been on the road to me transitioning, but she couldn't handle it, that's where our current situation comes in. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to agree to it, but I'm hoping me being full time will drive her one way or the other. I don't know which, but I want something to reach an end.

[Lorileah]

I am wondering, are you just going to cast your wife aside and forget about marriage and why you married in the first place?

I don't understand your point here. I missed the part I guess about casting aside anyone. The OP said her wife was allowing her to dress and that she was thinking of transitioning. Not all marriages where one partner transitions are doomed. You are still married legally in most states because you were a man when you signed the paper, you don't amend that. If you did then the concern over gay marriage would be important. This is copied from Lambda Legals web site (there is this great thing called a search engine that can give you the answers you seek and not have to wonder about what people here think)

If you transition AFTER getting married…

and you and your partner's gender identities are DIFFERENT-SEX, your marriage will be respected in all jurisdictions that respect marriages of same-sex couples and you may have arguments for respect in other states depending on a number of factors, including whether your state of residence legally recognizes your gender transition in this context.
and you and your partner's gender identities are SAME-SEX, your marriage should receive respect, as it was valid when you entered into it, and there is some legal precedent to support this.

Thus if the SO is comfortable with the reassignment surgery, you can stay married./ Thus I ask again, what is all this casting aside stuff? (there is even precedent here on these boards for staying together AFTER SRS).Marriage law (http://www.lambdalegal.org/know-your-rights/transgender/trans-marriage-law-faq#basics)

Why do you all have to be all gloom and doom when people ask a question like this?

[Jorja]

Why do you all have to be all gloom and doom when people ask a question like this?

I don't have the statistics but very few marriages stay together when one of the parties decides to transition. I agree, there are some that do stay together. These people should be commended for showing us how it is done. They are awesome. I also agree that within these forums the Doom and Gloom factor is a bit high but I think people are only relating the results of or suspected results of their own situation.

[celeste26]

Part of the issue as i see it is just how much of a change has there been already, can the wife see it is still you, or are you now almost completely different. Has the the change been sudden or taken a few years.

Sudden and dramatic changes typically mean divorce and animosity. Slow and steady can offer a greater chance of remaining together (although there are no guarantees.)

[ChelseaAnn]

I am essentially the same person. I feel I have been happier, but I don't believe I changed much. The only thing my wife said (today actually) was that when I'm Chelsea, I tend to be more into cuddling (not sure if that was a complaint or not, but it surprised me).

As for Doom and Gloom, I get it. My in-laws said the same thing (although, they're exact words were "we did our research, and transgender couples always divorce"). Me, imagining our future, honestly I have a hard time seeing it working. But, my wife is stubborn, always has been. We broke up 4 times in college, and she always came back (one of those times was due to me crossdressing for a little). So, I don't know. We're going to reevaluate our relationship come next year, before we end up trying for a second child. We'll see where it is. I'm in agreeance with my wife on this subject: day by day. It's early, I haven't gone out as Chelsea but once, I haven't been passable yet, I have a lot I want to learn, most of my family doesn't know, I haven't had a lot of experiences I want to do, etc. etc. etc. So, doom and gloom, I cast ye aside. Sorry, but I'm not interested in thinking about it right now. End of story. *takes a bow*.... oh, oops. Uh, *curtsies*

[kimdl93]

Chelsea, don't let the naysayers worry you too much. Every opinion here should come with a disclaimer that your experience may differ.

[Sandra]

If you are thinking that all it's going to take is for her to live with a girl then my dear you are in for a shock. This is way different from taking hormones and srs (if funds allow) She needs to know exactly what you are thinking and you need to have some very long talks with her.

Oh and I do know what I'm talking about, I'm a GG married 26 to a TS who had her surgery last August.

[I Am Paula]

I've been full time for two years. I started hormones last July, and first of a few surgeries this summer. I have been married for 19 years, no kids. I was very upfront to my wife, that I was transitioning fully, after a few false starts in my conversation to her, I managed to get out that this was non negotiable. We are still together, but our relationship has changed quite drastically. Years of GD had already driven us to separate bedrooms, and often separate lives. Right now we are room mates who have a lot in common. A feeling that we are married to each other is not one of them. I gave her the option of a 50/50 split, and we could go our separate ways, but she chose to stay, in this sometimes awkward relationship.
Are we one of the rare couples who stay together thru' transition? That involves defining the relationship. Same roof, yes. Married, not by a long shot. However, we have something that seems to be working, as odd as it is.
In every relationship where one partner transitions there is going to be a huge re-evaluating what that relationship entails. No two couples will reach the same conclusions, but some may thrive. I don't think anyone can predict what the end result will be.
Best of luck on your new path. I don't agree with most of the posts here that your marriage is doomed, but it will be tested to the limits, and has no guaranteed outcome.

[PaulaQ]

@ChelseaAnn - there are indeed marriages that survive transition, and your wife certainly seems a more promising candidate for that than most women, at least given the limited information you've shared. However, it's also the truth that most marriages don't survive transition - mine certainly didn't. Heck, mine didn't even make it until I started transition. :(

[Suzanne F]

Chelsea
Good luck! It seems like you are very early in the public part of this. Take your time and make sure you get comfortable with all that goes with being a woman every day. I only have 1 or 2 days a week now and I am still learning. I want to get to the point where I naturally know the things I need to be a successful woman out in the world. I hope you and your wife find peace together to handle this journey !
Hugs
Suzanne

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Chelsea ann, The ball is in her court now just don't overwhelm her.

[ChelseaAnn]

Thanks everyone for all your advice, suggestions, etc.
I know it's gonna take a lot of work. On the bright side of things, our next door neighbor knows everything, and she's a therapist who does work with transgender clients on a daily basis. VERY HELPFUL!! Pretty much getting a free therapy session when I need it. lol

[PaulaQ]

That's so fortunate about your neighbor! My best advice I can think of when talking to your wife is to be honest where you are now, what you need now, and may need in the future (always subject to change), and talk about her and her needs. There's no need to be overly forward looking - you probably don't totally know where all this is going. But if she's to be in for your transition, she deserves:
- truth about how you feel now
- truth about what you are doing next
- confidence that you'll discuss things with her so she isn't blind sided
- support for her needs and feelings - this isn't an easy path for her, either