How was it building up to transition?

[Karren J]

I have been putting some serious though into my need to transition for the past few months. I have shared my dressing with my wife and everything seems to be accelerating. I've wanted to be female since I was 6 years old or so trying on moms clothes. I've followed what seems to be the classic path of push it down and hide it, joining the army and following the "man up" crowd.

As I started letting me out of the box hidden in the corner out of sight and the need is building and sometimes it feels like my brain is on fire, all I think about is how I want to be a woman. I'm old enough to know better than to just rush out on an impulse and be crazy but the steps I'm taking (lazer the beard, going out dressed, shaving legs, being dressed more often) make me want to go faster and faster.

It's like the the real me is just around a corner yelling "I'm right here hurry up!" I've gotten my make up skills to the point where I might be passable and my mental "fire" to the point where I don't care passable or not. so after the rambling a simple question:

Was it like this for some of you ladies who are in and post transition?

I've read a lot of stories and I know everyone is different but I keep coming back to becoming me the woman.

I'm in an good position with a large company that will be supportive, with great benefits and support. If there ever was a time for me to start my transition this is it, except for 20 years ago when I could have been young and beautiful :)

Anything you might want to weigh in on or share is most welcome.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kelly you describe my "arc" as if you are living my life.
Does the 45 stand for 45 years old?? if so you are living it right down to the age..
I took all those steps...laser, dressing more..going out..shaving the body..i even plucked one eyebrow hair a day (I didn't want anybody to notice!!LOL)..and they all just cemented the knowledge I had denied..

I can tell you that if you starting to think about all this differently than before (it appears you are), the real issue comes to the forefront around discomfort.
Many experience a ramping up of the distress and gender dysphoria that basically gets worse and worse until you transition... it all sounds so simple, and in this one way it is..

It's possible that you are bi gendered or that the intensity will not build up...in that case, you may end up working out a situation where you express your gender as you see fit in a way that makes you feel whole
..frankly as you read the above sentence you probably already know in your gut whether you fit into this category just by thinking about the idea of never ever transitioning...it made me want to die when I thought of it..

Quite often for the late transitioners its the build up of a realization that you don't feel alive and then you get to a point where you simply must do something... its not overkill to say it can become a matter of survival (or at least feel like it)...

Don't deny the reality of this. Find a good therapist in your area. Find transsexuals to meet and share words eye to eye so you can see what its really like.

[PretzelGirl]

Kelly, my build up was more late in life which seems awful common. I am probably in the same phase as you are or slightly ahead. I started accepting myself in my 40's and now I feel that most of my life is lived expressing my female self and I want it to be all my life. I have been slowing it down to work with a therapist and that is great for steadying my thoughts and building confidence in my decisions. It sounds like you are far enough in front that you can engage a therapist and start working through your feelings. It might be something to consider.

[steph1964]

Kelly, I also did the macho military route, followed by the police department and suppressed it until my late 40s. What was it like? It was hell. I didn’t want to transition; in fact it terrified me once I realized that I was a transsexual. I had been married for 24 years, had adult children and had a great career. I expected to lose everything. But no matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t suppress it any longer. I got a lot of great advice from ladies on this site and unfortunately a few attacks. If you look my posts it’s titled “Trying to accept that I am a transsexual” from 7/21/2012. Maybe it can help you. I started having medical problems from the stress and got very depressed. Kaitlyn Michele mentioned that it became a matter of survival. I couldn't agree more. Between the medical problems and the depression, I don’t know if I would be around today if I hadn’t transitioned. It took until the following February before I reached the point where I couldn’t go on any further and I started HRT. I started February 1st but after only a week I felt so much better that I quit taking the hormones and was going to fight some more. That was the last battle and it didn’t last very long. I went back on HRT one year ago today and have never looked back.

Transitioning for me has been the most difficult but most rewarding thing that I have ever done. My marriage didn’t survive but we are still friends, and my employer accepted it. I have had it easy compared to many but it was still extremely difficult. I have been full time for 6 months so I am very inexperienced compared to many on this site, but for me I know it was the right decision. Despite the difficulties, I have never once regretted it. Maybe because I fought so hard not to do it, I know that this wasn’t something that could be avoided. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

[Karren J]

Through work I have access to a psychologist so I think I will book an appointment in the next couple of months to breach the subject. I could do it sooner but I think slow and steady is the best way, I need some time to be sure I'm sure. Thanks for the help everyone, even though I'm not very active posting this forum has been a godsend. Knowing I'm not the alone and some kind of freak has done more for me than I can say.

Thanks again.

P.S. Kaitlyn the 45 was the age I picked to give up and live like I am, I figured by then it would be too late, and I've still got 5 years to go. After hanging around here I'm learning that might be wrong. I'm feeling kinda gushy tonight and just wish I could meet the bunch of you for coffee and a few hours of blah blah. Maybe one day.

[princessheather86]

You should definitely go at whatever pace you feel comfortable at. I will say this though, if you're currently not sure, seeing a psychologist sooner could help you figure things out sooner.

[I Am Paula]

I denied it, suppressed it, and ignored it. None of that worked. The elephant in the room just kept growing. Like many later transitioners, I relied on crossdressing, but that was not enough. Towards the end (of my male life) I just sort of shut down. No socializing, ignoring my friends, and being pissed off at the world. Everybody noticed the change in me, except me. By the time I knew I needed to fix things immediately, I was a sorry mess. My loving sister dragged me out of a dark place, and pushed me to see a Doctor. I was SO lucky that the first Doctor I saw knew exactly what to do, and sent me to a therapist, and an Endo. (I was full time, so the Doc didn't have to guess that this may be gender related. Luck was just on my side.

Just as an epilog- It seems funny now, in retrospect. The evening I melted down in front of my sister we were walking her dog. She asked what was wrong, and it just poured out. We sat on some strangers lawn, and I cried. Not just 'have a kleenex' tears, I balled, and sobbed, with big snorts and lay face down on the lawn. A warm spring evening, and the whole neighborhood was out walking their dogs. My sister just kept holding me until I gained enough control to get back to her house. Imagine what passers-by thought of a grown man have a crying fit on someone's lawn.
She saved my life that evening.

[Angela Campbell]

P.S. Kaitlyn the 45 was the age I picked to give up and live like I am, I figured by then it would be too late, and I've still got 5 years to go. After hanging around here I'm learning that might be wrong. I'm feeling kinda gushy tonight and just wish I could meet the bunch of you for coffee and a few hours of blah blah. Maybe one day.


If that was the case I should have given up 10 years before I transitioned. It is ridiculous. You do it when you need to.

back to original OP
Building up is a good term for it. As time went on I felt like I was on a runaway train going faster and faster and I was becoming more and more terrified every moment. In hindsight, nothing has been even close to what I had convinced myself it would be like.

The closer you get, the more you want it, and the sooner you want it.

[Dianne S]

The closer you get, the more you want it, and the sooner you want it.

I find this is completely true. Now that I know I want to transition, I am very impatient and the dysphoria is hitting me hard. I've barely even started... my first laser hair removal appointment is next week and I have only had one meeting with a therapist.

Last night, my wife saw I was distressed and told me to put on a dress. I felt so much happier and calmer... it made me feel what my life can be like. But that makes me want it even more and even more quickly. :(

[Jorja]

I am a bit different than most here. I knew what I wanted/needed at a young age. I transitioned at 22 years old (if someone had helped me I would have done it much earlier). By then I had been divorced for a couple of years and had a court order not to see my children until they were 18 years old. You know how them damn trannies are :)! So I was out of work, no family responsibilities, and on my own. Other than court battles to change the court order and normal day to day fears, insecurities, and frustrations there really wasn't much build up. My discharge date from the Navy came and the next morning I was 100% full time. I haven't look back since.

[Karren J]

Holy @#$! Jorja a court order not to your kids?!?! I have never thought this road would be full of rainbows and unicorns but that is positively medieval. I can't imagine being handed that along with all the internal drama at 22 years old. At that age I could barely keep my shoes tied. My hat is off to you for making it through that ordeal at such a young age.

[Leah Lynn]

I'm another that tried to deny it and "man up"! As a young child, I desperately wanted to be a girl, but thought it could never happen for me. Straight out of high school, into the navy, volunteering for everything I could. Ended up in a covert unit (not SEALS), with a high mortality rate. I probably had a death wish. I caved to family pressure to find a wife and live a "proper" life. I would sneak an occasional moment to put on a pair of pantyhose or something, but really never dressed for years. A few years ago, with my wife's blessing, I dressed for a Halloween party. It was like being hit by a bus! I had to start dressing and expressing my femme side. A year and a half ago, my wife passed away, I was out of control with it. I'm now five months on HRT and sometimes have doubts about what I'm doing, but thanks to friends (mostly met through here!) I get the encouragement to stay the course. BTW, I'm now 62 years old.

If it feels right, DO IT.

Leah

[Jorja]

Stuff happens in this life that can't be explained and there isn't anything we can do about it. Yes, the court order was issued by a judge that hated anyone trans anything at a time when we weren't thought very highly of (1978). I spent 17 years and thousands of dollars and could not get the order dropped or changed because I was transsexual. A pervert, you know. A threat to children. On my daughters 18th birthday she and my son showed up at my door. They have been nearby ever since.

[KellyJameson]

I never was able to do the man thing but instead lived my teens and much of my twenties in a neither world between "genders" and always felt at worse like a "freak" and at best "different".

For those who have lived as men and think about transitioning later in life I think they have different demons to confront because you are going against the "masculine ideal" as the role you have played for so many years.

I felt like a freak because I was not this or that but something else so the label was felt by what I observed about myself in relation to others where you may feel like a freak because you are going against everything you have been taught is "normal" by others.

I never felt a part of society because my circumstances made me naturally an outsider but you probably did and do and it is this feeling of being a part of a greater whole that you are now risking that will add to your difficulties.

Living up to a masculine ideal in my opinion must limit personal growth and expression because you are always living a part in a play that others have written that you have adopted.

Existentially as a person feels time is running out there will be a need to live genuinely so they will want to shrug off the roles they imposed on themselves to buy their place in society.

Like a pendulum that has swung in one direction and is now swinging back in the other direction be sure you are not "reacting" to this role by rejecting it (masculine) for "another" (feminine)

Wanting to "become a woman" is not the same as feeling that you are a woman.

You will know that you are a woman when you discover that place in you as identity that cannot be rejected or taken away from you.

It is your core identity that has always been with you and if you realize that this core identity has always been female than you will know your identity but this identity is an energy, not an outward appearance and it is this energy that insists on physical expression.

Without this feminine energy nothing you do on the outside will ever make you "passable" to others because they will always "feel" the man within and your female expression will have that flavor of a woman on the outside with a man on the inside.

It is the energy you see expressed in those who do drag because the male sexual energy is still there making itself known regardless of how well they pass as women.

You are not a freak but simply a searcher for the truth of who and what you are.

You are wise to move slowly so your own mind does not trick you into believing what you want to believe.

Look for the truth regardless of the answer.