Telling a sales clerk what's what!

[Emilia]

I just had to share an experience I had today...

A few weeks ago my wife and I were shopping at the mall. She found a scarf she really liked, but thought it was too expensive and since she already had a few others didn't get it. Her birthday is in a few weeks so while I was running errands I stopped back in to get it for her. (In boy mode both times)

I was waiting in line when a young (mid-20s), male sales clerk opened another register. I set the scarf down and he said "I'm guessing this is for your wife, not you, huh?"

This really put me off. Maybe he was just trying to be funny, but it really pushed a button for me.

I replied matter of factly "No, it's for me" (even though it wasn't).

"This is a woman's scarf" he said.

I paused for a second, and said in a vice to make it clear what I meant "I know EXACTLY which side of this store is men's and which is women's."

At that point the other clerk (a lady probably in her 40's who struck me as the manager) who heard the conversation shot him one of the dirtiest looks I've ever seen and he just shut up and rang me up without saying anything else.

As I walked past she just smiled and said "Thank you for shopping here". Her tone was apologetic, so I just smiled and said "my pleasure".

I walked out feeling pretty proud of myself and betting he was getting quite the lecture after I left!

Now the only problem is I want one for myself too! :D

[Shadeauxmarie]

You were nicer than I would have been. It's something I need to work on.

[Adriana Moretti]

good for you...you handled that pretty well

[Lorileah]

The correct answer was "No it will be MY scarf when I pay for it"

[Lillyasia]

If he made that comment over a scarf, I wonder what he would have said if you brought up a pair of panties or a bra.

[Marissa]

Emilia, sorry that you had to test one's acceptance or even adherenance to 'its none of your bees wax, I'm a paying customer". Glad you stood your ground and maybe someone learned a lesson to not be quick to judge..or find another form of employment.

On a lighter note, I passed back and forth at one of those dress stores for proms and such..its a known store name, just can't remember it..well on my third pass, I had to go in and just look.. I got the customary "hello, welcome..can I help you find something?"..I was just looking and had to see the pretty dresses was my reply.

The young woman returned once more to do the "what type of occasion are you looking for?" "Just looking, thank you". Minutes later..one more time.."We have all types for occasions..is this for someone else or you?" Wow..I was floored but just smiled.."Is it that obvious???? LOL.. It would be for me just to look lovely"..anyway..she offered to see if there was size for me and said the major store at another mall might have the size if not here.


As I finished my look around, I just had to smile at her and say "THANK YOU" with both meanings implied.

[Gardener]

This made me smile.

[Beverley Sims]

I take the name. the number and time on the docket and write to them...

No emails, a letter with a stamp that has a picture of president Clinton works very well for me thanks.
It helps waste their time and there is documented evidence for the paper shufflers at head office to sift through.
When it get's to public relations I am usually offered a funny payoff such as a discount or gift voucher of some kind.
I also get a letter thanking me for shopping at XX Mart, Greens or whoever. :)

[Jenniferathome]

I don't understand the offense. Perhaps the clerk was just making small talk. It is quite reasonable that man, dressed as a man, and buying something feminine would be doing so for his wife/girlfriend.

Why be antagonistic at all? I think you took the wrong tact entirely. This clerk made no condemnation of you personally.

[Jessica S]

I agree with Jenniferathome. Could of just said what you said nicely making the next time he is confronted by a CD he may of been nice and accepting. Now he may have a more negative attidude.

[Kristy 56]

Emilia, I love how you handled that. You definitely made a statement,and probably the next one of us in there will have a better experience. Thanks.
Kristy :)

[Jodi]

I think Emilia grossly over reacted. I have had comments similar to that made to me over the years. I just smile, wink and say "cute isn't it", "Who would you want it to be for?", or something similar. This is always done with a big smile. The comment just goes away.

If one is looking for trouble, trouble will be there.

I don't look for trouble. I look for solutions.

So, lighten up when you are shopping. It's a lot more fun.

Jodi

[DebbieL]

I just had to share an experience I had today...


A few weeks ago my wife and I were shopping at the mall. She found a scarf she really liked, but thought it was too expensive and since she already had a few others didn't get it. Her birthday is in a few weeks so while I was running errands I stopped back in to get it for her. (In boy mode both times)


I was waiting in line when a young (mid-20s), male sales clerk opened another register. I set the scarf down and he said "I'm guessing this is for your wife, not you, huh?"

In some retail franchises, this could even be cause for termination. Many retailers have begun to realize that LGBT people are good and loyal customers. We also have LOTS of friends, and even minor threats can be shared, as you shared this story. The rude employee is probably lucky that you didn't share the name of the store and it's location. It would have been an announcement to the world "You and your friends are not safe here".


This really put me off. Maybe he was just trying to be funny, but it really pushed a button for me.
.....


At that point the other clerk (a lady probably in her 40's who struck me as the manager) who heard the conversation shot him one of the dirtiest looks I've ever seen and he just shut up and rang me up without saying anything else.

As a manager, or senior employee, she would have taken diversity training. Most corporations that operate in 50 states establish corporate standards that comply with EVERY state in terms of diversity and civil rights. If the boy wants to be sexist, racist, homophobic, or things trans people are a joke, he can go work for a store out in a strip mall where there is as little traffic as possible, and no diversity traffic, or work for a stand-alone store - probably for minimum wage, with a ridiculous quota, and no traffic.


As I walked past she just smiled and said "Thank you for shopping here". Her tone was apologetic, so I just smiled and said "my pleasure".
I walked out feeling pretty proud of myself and betting he was getting quite the lecture after I left!
Now the only problem is I want one for myself too! :D

He probably got his first (and last) warning, and may have been required to re-read his company's diversity policies.

[DebbieL]

I think Emilia grossly over reacted. I have had comments similar to that made to me over the years. I just smile, wink and say "cute isn't it", "Who would you want it to be for?", or something similar. This is always done with a big smile. The comment just goes away.

Yes, I remember when going out and getting clocked could result in being violently attacked. I remember when doctors thought they could "Cure" us with electroshock, torture, and lobotomies. Simply put they had to kill our brains - or we would kill ourselves, or get ourselves killed by others.

Thank goodness that the world has changed in HUGE ways in the last 50 years, and has been given a rude awakening in the last 3-4 years.
When police began investigating suicides for signs of cyber-bullying, they found that almost half of all male teen suicides involved LGBT people. A survey of over 1 million transgender people showed that over half of the respondents had tried to commit suicide, many multiple times. Extrapolating, this would mean that about 75% of those who were born LGBT tried to commit suicide, and over half of those who tried succeeded in killing themselves or getting themselves killed.


So, lighten up when you are shopping. It's a lot more fun.
Jodi

I also try to avoid conflict, and do my best to help others feel safe and acknowledged as people.
For many people, their joking is their way of dealing with their own fear and personal conflicts.
I can show them some compassion and do my best to make them feel safe and comfortable.

[Allisa]

I can understand why you felt as though you needed to put him in line, but... you did lie to him which brought on his second remark. When I find myself in these type of situations I usually give an indignant look and a question of WHAT? Seems to do the job for me. Now when you go back, go as Emilia( with scarf in hand to purchase )and ask if he remembers you. Turning the tables is the best.


Bye-Bye Lisa

[Eryn]

Being hostile toward someone who questions us merely verifies their perception of TG people as being nasty in some way.

Being level-headed and positive improves our image and perhaps will make the experience of the next TG person better.


I'm guessing this is for your wife, not you, huh?

"No, it's for me."


This is a woman's scarf

"Why yes, it is. Isn't it attractive?"

The difference here is that, instead of attacking the salesperson, I've engaged them and moved the conversation from my motives in buying the item to a discussion of the item itself. I've conveyed that I know what I am doing without creating hostility.

Young salespeople are often not very well trained or experienced. They gain their experience on the job and sometimes we "unusual" customers have to do some educating.

[shemike]

Have found woman sa are very accepting of me whiled dressed and shopping. She mike

[marshalynn]

My guess is the young man is a little dumb about our life style, I don't think he was trying to be mean. I have found that most young people are very nice to me when I am shopping, drab or fem. I except the manger had a nice long talk to him.

[Barbie Anne]

Well I for one feel that you acted properly. The male sa was clearly being rude when he stated "But this is a woman's scarf".

As if you're too stupid to know this? Or even worse, projecting his homophobia onto a customer?

What ever happened to "The customer is ALWAYS right"? Regardless of how he felt about you buying the scarf, it was none of his darn business what you intended to do with it.

I think this is what's being missed here.

[PretzelGirl]

Being hostile toward someone who questions us merely verifies their perception of TG people as being nasty in some way.

Being level-headed and positive improves our image and perhaps will make the experience of the next TG person better.

This!!!

I was talking with two trans people last night. They both tried to engage the same person for a discussion through email. One sent an aggressive email and when she didn't get a response, she sent one that called him a rearend. She still didn't get a response. The other sent a well thought out email and secured a 45 minute meeting which ended up being productive. People need to be educated by us because they really don't know. We have been in the closet forever. If you are aggressive towards people, they will turn you off and walk away with a negative opinion.

[annaaustintx]

First, I completely understand and empathize with your responses.
But, I also agree with Jenniferathome and others about being gentle. It'd more helpful to not be antagonistic if the person is not being antagonistic towards you. Responding to "This is a woman's scarf." with a simple, calm, "Yes, I know." would be more than sufficient. "Yes, I know" gets across everything you want to say without appearing hostile. Afterall, what is he gonna do, refuse to ring up your purchase?!

[Leilani]

I will throw my hat in with those that think this was an overreaction. The reality is that I think most people try to do a good job and make some polite conversation with the customers. In fact, they are probably trained to do so. My guess is that, regardless of good intentions, due to the realities of the job (keeping labor costs in line, dealing with customers quickly as they enter the store etc...) they probably end up giving new employees a "coles notes" session of scenarios and they likely do not cover this as one. I think that it is more often than not a case of unfamiliarity rather than intent to harm that has people make comments like this.
In fact, for example, when I go to eyeglass stores I often used to, and to some extent still do, feel uncomfortable because many now do not delineate between the "men's" and "women's" frames. I have said to my wife that I don't know why they don't separate them clearly so that I don't accidentally buy something that all my friends might later comment on to the effect of "why are you wearing women's glasses?" In such a case the employee who notifies me that they are women's frames could be trying to do a good job by making sure that I am not going to put myself in a position where I spend a lot of money only to be made a fool of in front of my friends.
Just as many of us comment that we wish society did not hold us up as caricatures and that we deserve to be treated with respect, we should also try to remember that most people are pretty decent and try to do a good job in helping us find what we want and therefore we, also, should not assume the worst of them. Just my thoughts.
Also, wanted to add that I have overreacted in many situations, about many different things, so I am not trying to come across as holier than thou. That was not my point.

[Eryn]

...when I go to eyeglass stores I often used to, and to some extent still do, feel uncomfortable because many now do not delineate between the "men's" and "women's" frames. I have said to my wife that I don't know why they don't separate them clearly so that I don't accidentally buy something that all my friends might later comment on to the effect of "why are you wearing women's glasses?"

This brings up an interesting anecdote. I recently purchased new male-mode glasses and chose some stylish frames by Carrera. I chose them from what I assumed was the male end of the display but a couple of weeks after I started to wear them my wife told me that she thought that they were female. I had to Google the part number to be sure that the glasses had a Y chromosome. Seems that any male style with brighter colored temples can be perceived as female!

Since then I've worn them a couple of times in female mode and they do work fine. Still, I prefer to have more definitely-female glasses in girl mode.

[Deedee Skyblue]

In such a case the employee who notifies me that they are women's frames could be trying to do a good job by making sure that I am not going to put myself in a position where I spend a lot of money only to be made a fool of in front of my friends.

This was my thought, too. He may have thought 'if he wears that scarf with his macho friends they may laugh at him'. He didn't do it in the most tactful way - but he is young
and probably learning on the job.

Deedee

[Marissa]

"Did you find everything you were looking for today?" sounds like a great question at the register.. "yes, thank you for asking" is the norm response. Anything beyond that to an extent is questioning a customer's ability to select items. And some people do take offense.

I have been told "I wish I had a man who would shop and buy me nice things"..and I left it at a smile.

And maybe this fits or not..but I remember a chain of fast food resturants that stated "Have it your way". I tried just that..ordered a sandwich and changed the contents..only to be told "Well you know it comes with this and that?".."I'm sorry, I thought your motto was 'have it your way'..am I in the wrong place?'".

If the sales person was concerned about the person picking the right items, saying "oh she will love this" would clear any questions of the purchaser. If i was looking for man scarf and got that comment, then I would let them know my intentions and get the right purchase. But to be questioned as to "do you know what you are buying" can come across as insulting, no matter how innocent it is..

[Emilia]

Wow! Thanks for all the feedback! Just to clarify a bit...

When he made the comment "this must be for your wife" I didn't answer rudely, I just said it was for me (even though is actually wasn't). I think in the moment I just though what business is it of his. I still get nervous shopping, and if I had been buying it for myself his comment would have made me feel very uncomfortable.

I should have made it clearer too that it was his tone when he said "this is a woman's scarf" that really got under my skin!

I didn't respond in a rude tone, or raise my voice, I just made it exactly clear I knew what I was doing!

[biggirlsarah]

This reminds me of a thing that happened to me a few days ago, I had just finished work and as I was going home to an empty house , ( my wife was at work ) I decided to have a walk round, get myself a coffee and a sticky bun, I popped into a store to pick up some more tights, I took them to the till to pay for them , the lady looked at them , looked at me and raised an eyebrow, as if to say I know who they are for, I looked at her and said " I think you have got the wrong end of the stick, my dear they aren't for me, they're for my boyfriend !! " gave her a big smile , I must say her face was an absolute picture, I love being a crossdresser, love and hugs to all Sarah xxx

[Tina B.]

Emilia, thanks for clearing that up, all the time I'm reading the responses, pro and con, I'm thinking, what was the tone, many times, it's not what's been said, but how it was said.
It sounds like maybe you where in a department store where you pay in the department your shopping in, and not a general check out? If so, why would he think you didn't know what gender that scarf was for?
I've had SA's tease me with things like, are you sure there your color, when buying pantyhose, said with a smile, thinking they where not for me, it made me chuckle.
I've had SA's give me that look of disapproval, it's easy to tell the difference.
I'm not one to go gently into the night. I think you handled it just right, the older saleslady, maybe the manger seemed sympathetic with your point of view, not the young sales man that should have been trained better.

[CarlaWestin]

When he made the comment "this must be for your wife" I didn't answer rudely, I just said it was for me (even though is actually wasn't).
I just love it when someone feeds me a slow pitch. A good answer could have been, "No, it's for me but, I'm sure she'll want one just like it." Once in a thrift store as I was waiting in line with six really fabulous bras draped over my arm, the lady in line behind me commented, "What a wonderful husband you must be, buying all those beautiful bras for your wife!" Happily, I showed her each and every one and enjoyed all of the ooo's and ahhh's.

[Maria in heels]

Sounds like you are just doing fine!

[Valarie]

In the words of Damon Wayans, "Two snaps!" I'm sure he got some kind of lecture from his manager. The other day I was getting some new makeup and the girl at the register said, "Wow what a lucky girl." I just said, "yeah she is." Since I was in a treat your self kind of mood.