spouse of male crossdresser

[VictoriaDay]

I am a common law spouse of a male crossdresser. No one is the world would think this of my spouse as he is very much a domineering man during his normal wear, and has plenty of manly traits with machinery, tools, engines etc. during daylight and work days.
When he does cross dress which is more often lately, he turns into a very soft spoken gentle person. It is almost as though he has two personalities.
He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's? I find it a little frustrating.

Your comments.

[darla_g]

Sounds like he associates women as being the kindler gentler part of the species and men need to be domineering with his manliness.

I have heard of that before but probably not so pronounced.

Welcome to the site btw

[Marcelle]

Hi Victoria,

Firstly welcome to our little group. You will find that we (CDers) are a bit all over the map when it comes to expressing this side of us. For some like myself, dressing has nothing to do with "sexual play" but more about being me "en femme" or "en boy". My wife knows about Isha but when it comes to that part of our relationship, neither her nor I wish Isha to share in that realm. However, there are others for whom dressing is a bit more sexually arousing and would like to include that in "play time".

My advice would be that you and your spouse should talk this part out. My wife and I have set some ground rules (things we can both live with and live without) but in the end neither of us does anything which would make the other uncomfortable. To me the "sex" thing is a big "both parties need to be totally comfortable" or it is likely to end up putting a lot of undue strain on the relationship.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

Victoria,
From my experience because it is new to him sex when dressed becomes a bit of a fantasy for a while.
This behaviour does pass and with freedom to dress the desire to only engage in sex whilst dressed will wane.

[Katey888]

Welcome Victoria,

It's hard to tell what is normal and what is not about us... I suspect you would find the same spread of responses from a cross section of the general population if you asked a set of questions involving anything 'extra' to the two people involved in sexual contact. For me, it is not something that is required in my relationship with my wife (but she knows nothing about my CDing...).

I imagine your frustration is normal - I'd be asking the same question you are if I was in your position... Isha's experience with ground rules seems a sensible approach to me - perhaps you need to have an open discussion and suggest a similar approach to your husband?

I'm sorry I can't be more help...

Katey x

[Caden Lane]

As Isha said, there are various types of crossdressers along the spectrum. Some are more fetishistic, some just wish to feel pretty and feminine. The key to understanding any of it, is communication and openness from both of you. A good read to help you understand may be My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. She's the wife of a CD and a lot of her insights can help a wife or a CD. It may help your hubby understand himself better, but a book cannot replace a proper therapist in that regard. Another venue of course is to ask questions here. I commend you for trying to keep an open mind, despite your frustrations.

[Stephanie47]

Although we are "all over the map" I would agree his behavior may be frustrating and more than a little. On the sex issue this would be frustrating to me as a woman because I would expect certain behavior to be exhibited that attractive me to him. I would suspect there is something going on in his male environment that is causing an increase stress level which is abated through cross dressing. There could be other reasons for increasing the frequency of his cross dressing, however, still avoiding that point of stress. He may be using "role reversal" to get away from all of it. That may not be comfortable for you. I would encourage you and he to have a sit down discussion over coffee to find out if something is bugging him, and, to express YOUR desires, especially in the bedroom. Having intimately relations with a husband dressed as a woman is not something most women would enjoy. Sure, most men may have the fantasy of having a woman in control in the bedroom, but, 100% role reversal is more than that.

It is not unusual for many of us to modify our behavior and self expression when presenting as a woman, but there has to be some negotiated limitations and expectations when a spouse is involved. Your need to talk to him about it.

[Ressie]

What is normal? All CDs are unique. Your spouse is a fetish dresser which isn't uncommon. But many crossdressers don't fit in that category.

[GenieGirl]

Welcome Victoria.

I am a very manly guy too in my hobbies, abilities. I don't come of as a macho man a** though i'm very laid back and very friendly I have a baby face and long hair and earrings so I probably don't look that manly too most, but I love suprising people. I have 3 different tool boxes, can do carpentry work and work on cars as well as fix or build just about anything. I'm a huge football fan College footballl and NFL. I love cars and drag race occasionally. Play guitar as well. I am the same as a girl and guy as far as personality, soft spoken at times and at others very chatty but always friendly and one of the nicest persons you could run into. As far as being dressed for sexual intimacy that is not a must, its nice and i like it but that doesn't have to be there. I think its normal for most CDs to want to have sexual contact with their partner while dressed but not normal to only have sexual contact while dressed. To only want to have sex as a female makes me think he might be transgender. It also could be just a new found glory maybe and he has just been overcome with this desire to do so..maybe it will pass if that is the case. Any other questions you can message me.

Ginger

[Jenniferathome]

Victoria, Your manly description of your husband is pretty typical. I can assure you that no one would ever guess I was a cross dresser. The issue of sex, to me, describes more of a fetishist behavior than a cross dresser. It may seem odd to you but sex and cross dressing usually don't go together. When I am dressed, I will never even consider intimate contact with my wife. I won't even hold her hand. I highly recommend you discuss this with him. There is more going on that just cross dressing.

Best of luck

[Ms. Babs]

Hi,

My therapist suggested the book "Arousal" written by a therapist and addresses this type of behaviour.

Babs

[Rachelakld]

Hi Victoria, and welcome
When I first started CDing (as a teen) it was a very sexual activity.
As my female personality evolved over time, it became more of just existing as a normal girl, as such I have only been to bed with stocking on once, and found it distracting and embarrassing to my male personality.

I did try seeing if I was also gay - didn't work out for me, but the club was an interesting experience
Unfortunately life can be about "trying" various playtime activities, sometimes they get more intense, others die away

As for manly man, well I didn't get the 6 foot + body I wanted, but I'm very good at repairing fighter jets, shooting things, and going bush for weeks
- maybe I should invent Camo-green nail polish.

[Audrey Sis]

Welcome, Victoria.

Pigeonholing then, perhaps I'm not a "crossdresser" as defined in this thread, as it always has been erotic for me. I did make that clear Very early in my relationship with my ex-wife, and it was not the cause of our divorce. I could go into the difference between a fetish and ..but whatever, that's not important.

When in male mode (virtually always with the outside world) I suppose I present as a regular guy. I'm not domineering as such, but neither am I fey. I do these days wear polished finger and toenails, and have smooth legs, but I've found enough acceptance of myself and also from friends and family that I no longer fear others reactions to these personal grooming habits. That aside, I've always been easy going, but no doormat.

Not to get off track, and I can only speak for myself, but perhaps your husband does require that feeling of femininity in order to perform. In that case, "ground rules" are moot. To your question: no, it's not Typical for most hetero CDs.

(I have rejected the term Normal in my life in general, as the only "normal" is a setting on the dryer) :)

I wish you both all the best.

[Erica2Sweet]

Your story sounds very much like mine and my Lady's through the beginning.

In boy mode I cut and chop firewood, build things in the backyard, kill bugs when they get into the house, ect... When in femme mode, I tend to be much different in terms of personality. Partly this is due, for me, to my femme side having limited human contact over the years and having been under-developed emotionally. When one who crossdresses gets out and socializes in femme mode, essentially, the femme side should become more stable, confident, complex, and real, as opposed to a fantasy being. For anyone, remaining reclusive in any way for a long period if time is terribly unhealthy. Socializing for your partner, whether he admits it or not, is going to help tremendously. All this is necessary because I'm of the opinion is that, once a feminine personality is established and named within a crossdresser, that personality has to be properly socialized and nurtured just like any other human being, or emotional issues develop.

The reason for the heightened interest in sexual contact when crossdressed, is most likely because of what we as crossdressers often do with our time when we present as female and stay closeted. The point quickly becomes sexual via self-gratification. That then becomes Pavlovian, essentially. The pretty clothes and accessories cause a heightened sense of arousal if rehearsed long enough, so then the individual becomes trained to respond in that same way whenever he puts on the feminine clothing and accessories.

My advice is to find ways to bond with and nurture the femme side of your partner, and insist on finding a balance with regard to intimacy so all of your and your partner's wants and needs are addressed. It's not that hard with honest dialog and effort. ;)

[Wildaboutheels]

You don't say how old you are, how long you have been married, or how long you have "known". All contributing factors to some degree. You do seem to be saying he will no longer have sex unless he is "dressed"? You need to have a sit down with him and ask him WHY the change? [all of a sudden?]

There is no typical for CDers although one FACT is very clear. Almost all CDers, with with very few exceptions, at least pass through the fetish stage where female clothing items are used to get to the promised land. [Os] This is very easy to confirm and multiple dozens of other sites confirm this. Many of the "more mature ladies" here have left that stage behind them and have "progressed" into fuller dressing or being more interested in "passing" as a woman than mere Os.

For others, it's almost always about the Os.

THE most important aspect of it all? HE should not force any part of his dressing on you that you are not comfortable with.

And never assume he can read your mind or your expressions as to how you feel. He should do the same.

[Confucius]

Every cross-dresser is unique, and its difficult to make general rules on how a cross-dresser is supposed to behave.

Most cross-dressers begin at an early age, and some have had these urges all their lives. It may help if you think of his brain as being hard wired to cross-dressing by releasing a host of neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, comfort, pleasure, sexual gratification and identity. It affects the reward centers of his brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.

If he seems to be cross-dressing more lately, most likely it is because he is growing more confident that it doesn't upset you. There is a good web site for wives of crossdressers: http://www.crossdresserswives.com/revision/forum1.html

However that site seems to take a very negative view toward their cross-dressing husbands. In most cases the wives of cross-dressers need to determine the tolerance limits, and make that clear to their husbands. Most cross-dressers want to wives to enjoy the experience, however most wives find it a serious turn-off.

In my case my wife sets the limits and I do my best to respect her wishes.

[Erica2Sweet]

...THE most important aspect of it all? HE should not force any part of his dressing on you that you are not comfortable with...

Sorry but rejecting the femme side of someone who has begun the process of establishing a feminine identity within himself will most likely cause resentment within him for you not being accepting of a real part of who he has become. It's not about blame or finger pointing, it's just the reality of the situation. If the femme side is not nurtured in some way at home, it will motivate him in very big ways to get those wants met elsewhere. Whether he just lives with the feelings of rejection, or finds some other way(s) to get those wants met is up to him. At that point, his value system will likely come into play.

[Ms. Jennifer]

Victoria, i am very similar to your husband in the fact that i build trucks, play in the mud and am very manly in guy mode. i also have "split personality" when im in Jenna mode i am calm , tidy and care about my appearence. as everyone else has said no 2 of us CD'ers are the same. personally i went threw my fetish phase mainly before i came out to my wife but since telling her a while ago the whoe sexual infactiation had diminished . my wife is great about me dressing and picking outfits etc... however she layed ground rules such as; i had to quit alcohol, no sex with a bra or makeup / wig on but boots and stockings were ok.

id say the worst thing you could do is not take interest in his "fetish" as someone else said he will go find it elsewhere to satisfy his need. my best advise is to set ground rules,. maybe try to diffuse the whole thing by offering to buy him some outfits in exchange for meeting your wishs. kind of like a reward system. that will slowly take away the fetish aspect of CDing without emotionally damaging him or pushing him away

[Jenniferathome]

... If the femme side is not nurtured in some way at home, it will motivate him in very big ways to get those wants met elsewhere. Whether he just lives with the feelings of rejection, or finds some other way(s) to get those wants met is up to him...

This is really self serving coming from a cross dresser. Any woman has the absolute right to refuse engaging in activity that makes them uncomfortable. That is NOT rejection of the person.

[KellyJameson]

Men seem to wear masks as the roles they perform and I think these roles are so narrow that they somehow become cut off from other aspects of themselves.

A type of emotional constipation that builds up until it seeks relief and crossdressing through fantasy alllows them a back door into allowing them to give permisssion to themselves to break from these self imposed roles.

The gender roles were learned and reinforced by society and culture to make possible a man's entry and acceptance into society by the women he attracts and men who like, respect and befriend him.

These roles cut a man off from his emotional sensitive side that allows connection to all other living creatures and even himself as being sensitive to and aware of himself as a sentient being.

The problem is sex and how it threatens to invert his sexuality by making him want to turn himself into a sex object instead of projecting his sexuality outward toward another as it was intended.

He becomes both man and woman sexually as both hunter and target (object) mistakenly thinking that this is how women feel sexually.

They project their sexuality onto women so think they are "acting like woman and feeling like woman" when this could not be further from the truth.

For a woman this can leave her cold sexually because the very elements of male sexuality that arouse her have now fallen by the wayside from him leaving behind the dominant energy necessary to his sexuality to garner her sexual response which equals frustration for her.

A dominant sensitive lover is good for a woman but a passive sensitive lover is not and crossdressing threatens to turn men into passive lovers by inverting their sexuality towards themselves.

In my opinion the more "feminine" he becomes the more "masculine" he must remain if he is to remain sexually desirable to a woman.

There really is no such thing as feminine or masculine but simply the traits associated with these words that are mixed up with sex but in nature sex between men and women needs to follow the design of nature or else the sexuality collapes into itself.

You must fight his passivity in the bedroom if you want to remain sexually responsive to him.

Keep yourself as the sexual object in his eyes so he does not turn himself into a sexual object.

[RADER]

Welcome, Victoria:
Glad you found us, My wife new about my dressing well be fore we where Married.
At work, I was a Carpenter foreman, running up to 40 men building houses.
I had to be strong, or nothing would get done.
When I got home, well it was great to change into something more comfortable.
My wife would tell me to "Go and put your Bra on" when she saw me in a grumpy mood.
In bed, I might wear a baby doll nightie, but that was all.
My Man parts where still active to give her what she wanted.
We had boundaries, like staying in the closet; I would never pass anyway, just nothing
about me was Dante.
I hope you and yours work things out. My wife said that my cross dressing made me the
perfect Husband.
Rader

[ReineD]

He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's?

It's difficult to say whether this is an issue with "most", "few", or "half". Much of it depends on the crossdresser's age and his personality.

It generally does tend to be more sexual for younger crossdressers. Many middle aged CDs here will say that the sexual aspect of the CDing has long abated and they now dress mostly for comfort. But, there are crossdressers for whom it is sexual all their lives, although some/most (?) are able to have sex with their wives if they are not dressed.

As to personality, is your SO respectful of your feelings? You say that he is not interested in sexual contact unless he is dressed … does this mean that you have told him that you need to make love when he is not dressed and his response was that he is not interested in doing this? Or is he simply not able to perform unless he is dressed? There have been many threads in this forum from crossdressers who say they can only have sex if they fantasize they are the woman (even if they aren't dressed). I agree, this is an issue. Honestly this is not unlike men who cannot orgasm without internet porn. It's an indication that the fantasy sex life has become a kink/compulsion without which there can be no orgasm. This is difficult for the partner who does not share the fetish.

The best advice is to just talk. If you are finding your current situation frustrating, it will only get worse. You will eventually come to resent your SO if your sex life is not mutually satisfying. You might even begin to feel like a prop.

Assuming that your SO is a crossdresser and not TS, hopefully he will make an effort to do something about it if he knows that always dressing in the bedroom is an issue for you. If dressing has become a sexual impulse for him, however, it will be difficult to stop this. But it is doable. There are all sorts of online help sites for couples who deal with one-sided fetish issues in their sex lives. Or you could get professional help in the form of a board certified sex therapist.

[franlee]

It seems normal as far I'm concerned. I would venture to guess he is using CDing for both stress relief and sexual gratification. The short answer is a lot of people try to over state or justify the truth. The fact that we CD is proof we all have found something that we either enjoy or have decided to do for our own personal reasons. I think that you are inquiring is great, it means you are open to his needs and desires. It certainly isn't going to hurt you in any way as long as you two keep it within your own comfort zones. So the attire he choses is important to "both of you" for him to be comfortable. Now with that said he should make a good faith effort to accommodate things that you enjoy or need too. In the end it only matters if you have or make an issue of it. The results are the same and more fulfilling if both parties are happy.

[docrobbysherry]

Here r the answers to your questions, Vickie: Yes. No. Maybe. And, sometimes.

If u want more detailed answers? Ask more detailed questions. Because as others have already mentioned, we r about as different here as vanilla men r!

And, u know who can answer u best? Your SO!

[DebbieL]

I am a common law spouse of a male crossdresser. No one is the world would think this of my spouse as he is very much a domineering man during his normal wear, and has plenty of manly traits with machinery, tools, engines etc. during daylight and work days.

This is not as uncommon as it might seem. There are a few things to consider:

Transgenders come in all flavors, though a researcher and doctor named Harry Benjamin ranked them 1 through 6, similar to Kinsey's scale of sexual preference.
Sexual preference and sexual identity are not directly related. Many transgender males desire women exclusively. Others are bisexual, but often don't express more serious interest in men until they transition.
Some men have a strong desire for women almost exclusively, but are also type 5 or type 6 transsexuals. They often think of themselves as lesbians.



Your comments.

You should discuss your new roles with each other. If wants to be your lesbian lover, then you should make sure he knows how to please you in all the ways you could be pleased by a girl, including toys. I won't go into too much detail here, that would be better addressed in private message. There are some amazing possibilities, perhaps even including role reversal. He might even want you to take a more dominant role.

Unless he wants to transition, you will still have your husband, and he will be the man he always was, but maybe a bit more loving, tender, emotional, and gentle. At the same time, in the privacy of your company, and perhaps in a few select clubs, you will be able to explore no and amazing dimensions physically, emotionally, romantically, sexually, and socially, that you may have only dreamed about before. He has given you the key to his heart, and now you know how to make him love you no matter what you want. What you do with that power is up to you.

[Jilmac]

I can only speak for myself.I was closeted most of my life because both my spouses were very un-accepting of my dressing even though they both knew about it beforehand and went into the marriage anyway. I never was a domineering person, I was more the pacifist and would rather run from a fight than face it. However I was always mechanically inclined and worked in the building trades where machismo was the norm. I would dress in private and could have displayed a gentler side if I could have been open about my dressing. I always felt as if I was at peace with my feelings and the world around me each time I was able to express my feminine side.

Since my coming out in 2007 I have been told by those who know me as Jill, that I am a very caring and loving person. So yes, I believe your spouse can have the same transformation and become a kinder gentler person when en femme.

[Jenniferathome]

Victoria, if you are still reading this thread, everything Debbie wrote is selfish, selfserving, uniformed, and not representative of a cross dresser.
Good luck

[Being Paige]

Being a CD, I think that I am a seperate person from my male self and want to have a relationship involving Paige, being Paige not my male self! I know sounds kind of wierd but but to me Paige is my female side that craves her own relationships I'm messed up lol but I still after all of my years struggles with the feeling that I am in the wrong body.

[PaulaQ]

He is not interested in sexual contact unless he is cross dressed. Is this a normal issue with most cd's? I find it a little frustrating.


I don't think we can answer questions like "most" - CDs are not a very well studied group of individuals. It is widely reported that there are many CDs who aren't interested in sex unless they are cross dressed, but how common this truly is, is sort of anyone's guess. I'd guess the number of CDs who would like to incorporate CDing into their sex lives is fairly high. The number who will only have sex when cross dressed is surely smaller. Anyway, it's not unheard of.

I'm sure it is frustrating. Anytime a partner in a relationship withholds sex unless they get what they like is problem - it is a very selfish behavior. Are you able to discuss this stuff with your spouse? Is a compromise possible? How do you feel about his cross dressing? (i.e. you hate it, it's tolerable, it's fun but you don't want it all the time, etc.)

[freeindress]

Despite fetish CD, I did not fall in fetish sex because I found naked sex clearing enough pink fog. But I would not discard foreplay while dressed :cute:.

[kimdl93]

Welcome, Victoria. While none of us can speak to your SOs particular interests, needs and motivations, we each have insights based on our individual perspectives. I can relate to his preference for sex while presenting as female. I can't entirely say why...no one can. In my case it's not about being submissive. I just prefer to relate to my wife on a physical level as a woman...at least as I imagine a woman would to another. That's where my mind takes me whenever we are intimate, regardless of how we may be dressed...if dressed at all.

You might gently ask where his mind goes, how he sees himself in those moments. What a wonderful insight to have about your lover.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Nurturing his feminine identity so 'she' becomes emotionally stable? Does anyone tell the wife of a schizophrenic to nurture her husband's many identities? If a man wants support while he creates a second personality he should find a therapist and be ready to take the consequences if his wife doesn't want to live with him anymore. This isn't our issue - please remember that. We do NOT have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

And indulging CD during sex is totally off base if you're turned off by it like most of us straight girls. Seriously, ignore that. You'll only resent him and over time, this will destroy any respect you have for him. Trust me, fetish doesn't work unless you're both into it. I'm still struggling with this in my own marriage and at the moment, I don't see a positive way forward.

I hope you can both communicate with each other and make a decision one way or another.

Good luck x

[ChristinaK]

It's pretty tough for us to guess what's going on with your husband, but there seems to be a lot of ideas and good advice here.

Personally, being a fetishist for my entire life, there are certain items of clothing that turn me on and I like my women to wear them. If they don't, which has happened, then I tend to wear them and fantasize. If my SO lets me, then I do it with her. I have experienced times when a few women have played along for a while, then get tired of it and lay down the law. Then I continue my fetish privately, but make sure it doesn't affect our love life.

So, if he is a fetishist, and he has fixations on certain clothing and you don't wear it, then he may be playing out his desire being dressed in that clothing himself. If you find out what his fetish is about, you may decide that wearing what he desires fixes the problem. For instance, some women wear nothing but T-shirts to bed. Not really sexy.

I could be totally off base, but it's a thought. Good luck with your problem. It's tough being a crossdresser and probably tougher being the wife of one.

[adrienner99]

While I cannot address the issue of "no sex unless dressed," I very much exhibit the "two-personality" behavior. I grew up feeling incredible pressure to be tough, confrontational, manly...etc. I did the best I could, but by nature I was peaceful, kind and compassionate. I was bullied. My sense of self was permanently affected to some extent (tho I did grow up and put a lot of those experiences behind me. ) I think one of several reasons I dress is that it "allows" me the option of not having to be fierce. I don't feel pressure to be something I'm not. I feel different...I feel allowed to be who I am...Could his alpha male exterior be based on similar childhood experiences?

[VictoriaDay]

My common law spouse and I are both in our mid 50s. We dated on and off for three years, and now have been together full time for 18 months. My partner has been interested in cross dressing his whole life. He has always enjoyed wearing women's panties under his work clothes. His c.d. did not come out in until we developed our last relationship, although when we first met he did mention he likes to be dominated in the bedroom only. Since he has become more and more comfortable with me and I the same, our sex life as man and woman has taken a nose dive. It just doesn't happen anymore unless he is dressed. This is all very new to me and I am in complete acceptance with his cross dressing. I just want a man in my life in the bedroom once in awhile, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He is definitely not interested in men, and sometimes shows a little too much interest in other women.

Hope we can work this out, we do have a good life together, with friends and travel. None of our friends know this about us.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nurturing his feminine identity so 'she' becomes emotionally stable? Does anyone tell the wife of a schizophrenic to nurture her husband's many identities? If a man wants support while he creates a second personality he should find a therapist and be ready to take the consequences if his wife doesn't want to live with him anymore. This isn't our issue - please remember that. We do NOT have to do anything that makes us uncomfortable.

And indulging CD during sex is totally off base if you're turned off by it like most of us straight girls. Seriously, ignore that. You'll only resent him and over time, this will destroy any respect you have for him. Trust me, fetish doesn't work unless you're both into it. I'm still struggling with this in my own marriage and at the moment, I don't see a positive way forward.

I hope you can both communicate with each other and make a decision one way or another.

Good luck x


Life would be better if we were stamped from a mold that did not change . Every person born goes through so many changes in their lives, but it seems that once we get into a relationship people want to freeze their spouse, partner and mate into what that person was at the moment the relationship is solidified. People never can know another person 100% everything changes everyday. It's not easy, but it goes both ways. Sure there are things only a trained professional can handle, but in the end it really matters what a relationship was based on in the beginning. Sometimes we forget on this site other truism's of life like the men who find out their wives are lesbian or bisexual and never knew it. Or the FtoM transgender, who have lost relationships because of their gender identity. The only reality in the world is that 'Change Happens".


My common law spouse and I are both in our mid 50s. We dated on and off for three years, and now have been together full time for 18 months. My partner has been interested in cross dressing his whole life. He has always enjoyed wearing women's panties under his work clothes. His c.d. did not come out in until we developed our last relationship, although when we first met he did mention he likes to be dominated in the bedroom only. Since he has become more and more comfortable with me and I the same, our sex life as man and woman has taken a nose dive. It just doesn't happen anymore unless he is dressed. This is all very new to me and I am in complete acceptance with his cross dressing. I just want a man in my life in the bedroom once in awhile, that's what attracted me to him in the first place. He is definitely not interested in men, and sometimes shows a little too much interest in other women.

Hope we can work this out, we do have a good life together, with friends and travel. None of our friends know this about us.


Most likely he has underdressed as a CD for many years, and that sex while dressed has been a part of his routine for years even while single (trying to keep this PG). His routine in the bedroom is to dominated while dressed. It takes awhile for new relationships to develop what they are comfortable with , you need to talk and find common ground. being 'comfortable' for a lot of men equals boredom, hence the nose dive. Since he's into dominance, think about using the in the bedroom, to the degree you feel comfortable with.

[sometimes_miss]

Victoria, we're all different. It's unlikely that he has two personalities; multiple personality disorder is very, very rare. Much more likely is that he subconsciously represses certain behavior that he considers inappropriate to do when he is in 'normal boy mode'. It allows him to believe to himself that it's not really him, instead something he only does when play acting as a girl. It's a common reaction lots of men have because of how we're brought up: We're told from the moment we're self aware that the worst thing in the world for a boy is to be anything like a girl, and not only men, but women reinforce that idea to us throughout our lives.

[Caden Lane]

the distinct differences in his personality may also be due to his overcompensation. That may also lead to him overcompensating with his femme self as well.

[Stephanie Julianna]

Victoria, Welcome. I kind of fall into some of the categories your husband does. I have all the guy tools and skills to use them. Can take an old car apart in a day. Built a 1,000 sq. ft. deck on my house 2 years ago by myself. Married 42+ years with 3 kids and seven grandchildren. I don't know if you see a pattern with his dressing but I tend to want to dress more in the cooler weather, from October to May. I also can't dress in summer since body hair needs to come back for the beach. For many of us the smooth fabrics are very sensual and can increase passion so sex can be enhanced if we are allowed to dress. However, I can see where that could be a turn off for you. Where he and I differ is that my job requires that I be gentle, caring and sensitive to others needs since I am a Hospice RN. My wife will also note that I don't always bring all those skills home every day. I can't tell her that the uptightness is because I can't dress as often as I would wish. She is always feeling threatened by my dressing since she knows that I can pass in public. When she sees a story on TV about a married man who decides to transition, I know she gets uncomfortable. I think the best thing you can do is ask him to have an open dialogue with you about his crossdresing and try to come up with some boundaries that work for the both of you. It won't be easy since I have never known crossdressing to ever go away but there are cycles we go through. With the right woman we always come around and keep priorities straight but it's never a straight line. I'll say a prayer and hope you will keep us as much to up to date as you can. Hope it works out for you. Steph

[Taylor Ray]

It took me many years to integrate different aspects of my personality, especially the male and female aspects. I am now comfortable being feminine when dressed as a male, and acting male when dressed as a female. Yes, the way I dress still effects how I present. Some of it has to do with social circumstances.

From this perspective, integrating the two personality aspects is beneficial. So, rejecting him or shaming him when acting more feminine probably won't be helpful.

On the other hand, integration does not entail needing to be cross-dressed in order to be sexually aroused. A more integrated personality would be able to express effeminate qualities naked or dressed as a male.

Not to be a total downer, but many married couples experience a lack of sexual intimacy even without cross dressing issues.

[VictoriaDay]

Thank you for your honest response. I have definitely been enlightened since joining this forum, it has helped me to understand. I now have to work on us and hope we can develop our relationship to be completely honest and open.
tks....xo

[Briana90802]

Hi Victoria,
For some reason I always seem to be the "odd girl out" when it comes to thinking but I have some advice and insite that may help. You say that it's like there are two different personalities, that's normal men feel like they have to be men, and some men CD because they can't express that fem side of themself. SO my advice, let him know that it's ok to be feminine as a man. That expressing those feelings is natural and healthy and that you have no objections. It seems that you like that fem side just encourage him to be open with his feelings.
This can be accomplished by half dressing. Let him wear a girl shirt or bra around the house. It's a subconscious reminder and a symbolic way of letting what's inside out. I think that over time the two personalities will find balance.
As far as the sex thing is concerned. It's very natural. It's a phase that most, if not all, of us have gone threw, like being a rebelious teen, or terrible twos. For now just enjoy it.

[Ria Lynn]

Talk to him, sit down and really go over how you feel with him. If he doesn't know how you feel about this then he won't know to do anything differently. I'm bi so I'm still sexually attracted to my husband when he's en femme (he's very passable except for his voice), but I've made it very clear to him that I married a man. I don't mind being intimate with Brea part of the time as long as I still get intimate time with the man I married. He'll ask me if I am okay with him being en femme before we start getting intimate and he respects my feelings. If he really wants to be en femme on a particular night I'm usually okay with it unless it's been awhile since we've been intimate as a man and a woman. Really what this boils down to is both of you respecting each others' feelings and reaching a compromise that you're both comfortable with, not that is entirely dictated by one of you or the other as it is now.

[Kristina_nolagirl]

Hi Victoria,

If you've read this entire thread, you're probably more confused than when you posted the question! We're all very different and only really linked by the fact that we like to wear women's clothes. I would think the best thing you can do is to just sit down with him with an honest, sincere tone and an open mind and ask him what is on his mind. Open the lines of communication and compromise to create a situation that works for the both of you. Relationships, like streets really suck when they are only one way! :)
Good luck!

[suchacutie]

Hi Victoria. Just to add a bit more to the spectrum, I'm very much two separate people. My wife is very good at helping me keep them separated. We wanted to let both sides if my personality flourish as part of knowing each other as deeply as possible, including knowing myself.

My wife is also completely straight so Tina is a completely platonic girlfriend. This intricate relationship was built on mutual trust and complete openness. My suggestion is that if the two of you can't work this out alone, a gender therapist might be useful/essential.

Tina

[Ellen47]

Welcome to the form. Please remember its only clothes he is the same man you married. I also cross dress and it just relaxes me. For me it is not a sexual thing. I have been married for 30 years my wife does not like it but gives me the time I need. Please try to be understanding. And god bless.

[Melissa_59]

Hi Victoria, welcome.

I guess the biggest take-away is "talk to your husband and discuss it very honestly and frankly" because one thing you're already noticing in our responses is that while we seem to have one thing in common (dressing), we are all very very different. The only comment I'll openly endorse is what Kristina said about "sit down and talk", that's the only way you will have the answers you need.

Cheers!

Mel