Lies I've Been Telling Myself

[Brooklyn]

I’ve been down recently, and I think it’s because of some lies I’ve been telling myself. Here are a few. Repeat them everyday for a while and you can make yourself miserable! Please feel free to add your own.

1. No woman will ever date me and I’ll never be loved. If I just had an accepting SO, my life would be soooo much better.

2. Being trans means that I must suffer. Everything sucks from now on. Not many people have to deal with sh*t this deep.

3. Transition is inevitable, but I’m too old to do it, or I need to do it ASAP, or I should have done it when I was 18. I am not true to myself or complete unless I make a full transition. If I only had the guts, money, hairline, right employer, smaller frame, and opportunity, I would totally do it.

4. I was supposed to have been born a girl. Something went wrong with me in utero or early childhood. Or, my parents are to blame. I would have been more successful if only I had not been trans.

5. I missed out on my best years while I was closeted. Also, I only have a few decent years left before my face falls apart.

6. It was stupid to come out, because even though people say “Good for you!” they are really laughing behind my back and will never take me seriously or give me respect.

[Beverley Sims]

Ashley,
Go put your head in a bucket of water.... Maybe you should have been drowned at birth....

More importantly, get yourself out of the doldrums, you are too sparkly to imagine any of those points you have illustrated.

1. The right woman is likely to appear out of nowhere, soon.

2. The hormones are obviously working as you are showing signs of mood swings. :)

3. You are not alone here, quite a few of us should have realised that at eighteen we were having the best years of our lives.
...It is still not too late just consider the change in lifestyle.

4. We have all thought this, it's easy to blame the parents.

5. Refer to #3. here, now learn to grow old gracefully like the rest of us.

6. It is not stupid to come out.... Everyone needs some sunshine.

Look at your signature and that takes care of number one.

Now I have put you through the wringer, go finish and dry yourself and.....
Get on with enjoying life. :)

[Katey888]

Ashley - if I were there I'd give you a big hug... :bighug: and then probably a friendly slap... :slap: and then probably cocktails would be called for...

Bev has given you the detailed breakdown of reversing your misery... here's my shortform:

Life is one big, cruel, frickin' joke, played on us by the gods (who didn't all die at the end of Gotterdammerung... I've been listening to Wagner lately..) - so don't be the subject of the joke, however hard you feel it is - grit your teeth and get back at them!!! (The gods... or whoever..)

I'm reminded of a line from Billy Joel's 'My Life': " I don't care what you say anymore this is my life - go ahead with your own life, leave me alone.."

Now go listen to some Mozart (no-one can ever be miserable listening to Mozart..) and have a cocktail for me... :)

Katey x

[Amanda M]

Ashley - you hit the nail on the head. Most of your paib DOES come from your thinking - the lies you are telling yourself.

I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,
the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.


Best, Amanda

[Erica Anne]

I thought I was depressed. I have my reasons but they are not related to cross dressing.

1. If that is you in your avatar, you should have no problem dating or getting a date. You have a nice face so I think women would find you attractive. I used to think the same thing, sure I had a complex from childhood that has haunted me and still does to some extent but I get beyond that. That is a lie you are convincing yourself that no woman would date you.... I have been in 3 long term relationships. The first well, she did not know what she wanted in life, I discovered recently she preferred the company of other women (if she only knew, ha), the ex-wife, she feared me for some reason, I think she wanted some one she could control and I was not that person. She married a frail enfemminant man, but she was after money more than romance. I was lucky to get away from that one. Then I found my wife who was the best thing that ever happened to me, but also why I am depressed (way to long to state here and I do not want the attention, if you want explanation, see "to my beloved wife" in the SO forum.

3, if you really think transitioning is the best option for you, you need to seek counseling in order to accomplish this. You will find out if this is right for you or not.
4. I agree, I feel the same. But I have learned to accept who I am and have no desire to change that. I realized I do not have to be a woman to enjoy my life.
5. no comment.
6. maybe. I came out to three people, My sister, my ex-sister in law, and my wife. Only my ex-sister in law stabbed me in the back. I got a call from my ex-mother in law stating "do you know what my daughter is saying about you? I think you better reconsider who your friends are. No harm done, and I do not care what she said or what her boyfriend said about me.

Try telling yourself the truth instead of trying to convince yourself of the negative. Just remember, dating is a gamble, you never know what you may get. It can be rewarding or disappointing even if they never know about your feminine self. Adding that to the mix may be more complex. Sometimes it is good to present that part before you get seriously involved. The last thing I wanted to do was "now that we are married, I think you should know something......" probably not the best way to face the music as it can have a ill effect.

Of course this probably does not help you, only you can decide what path to take. Life can be boring as a baseball game or exiting as a close football game. (I am not into sports and find both to be boring... bad taste? ) Perhaps if you have a better lure you get a better fish.

[Rogina B]

You know what I think..lol I seriously believe that you have to design a life that encompasses what you want and I realize that you have kids in that picture as well so some compromises will have to happen.There are plenty of women that would enjoy what that life you could design might be. Oh,and everybody ages in one form or another..

[Erica Marie]

To make this short and sweet you pretty much wrote my life story. Keep your head up. You have alot of friends and support here.

[mykell]

ashley ill second what has already been said before me, although i think i will leave out the slap,
your history mirrors mine sans the mrs., but dont think for a minute you are not loved,
i was envious of your sparkle when i first met you here and your advise helped me become a women as evident of my recent profile,
so thank you for sharing with us unselfishly and being my friend...

[5150 Girl]

Yep, I can identify with just about everything on that list at some point. Then there are other times when beeing trans feels like a gift.

[Danielle/Mo]

I strongly identify with # 1 through 5. Not so much #6 because I am only out to 2 people (ex-wife and 20 yr old son). Both are completely supportive of Danielle 1 and 5 I especially feel like Ashley could be talking about me. I have never heard of CBT Therapy before reading Amanda"s post. I am going to seriously look into it, maybe lot of us should. I am sure MANY of us on this forum identify with at least a couple Ashley's points (lies to herself).

[kimdl93]

I think many people, not just TG people live with a set of negative terms like these. Mine were very similar. The most destructive was the assumption that I was 'wrong" or defective in somee way. All the others seemed to stream from that.

You've labeled these correctly, as lies....lies we tell ourselves. I hope you haven't allowed yourself to really believe any of these because none are true.

[MssHyde]

Ashley
you just proved I'm not alone with those feelings.. you nailed it,,,,, if I looked like you, it would ease my pain

[Joanncdnj]

Wow, that's a lot to think about. The few people that know about the other side seem ok with it. I said OK... not sure really how they feel, but there is no remarks made, and once in a while a quick funny remark is ok and good for a secret chuckle with a friend.

[LenGray]

Sometimes I have thoughts similar to these, particularly at night when I feel alone. It's hard, but try not to let those thoughts control you.

Back when I went to a therapist for self-esteem issues, she recommended an interesting exercise for me. She explained that the things we hear and think, particularly negative things, can become a tape in our heads that comes out when we're feeling low. But! That tape can be rewritten. She recommended standing in front of a mirror every morning and saying all of the things that I want to be.

Not what I see myself as. Not what I am. What I want to be. It was helpful to me back then, and I hope it will help you as well.

Nowadays, when I face those thoughts I use meditation or practice my martial katas to feel balanced with myself. But, days when it's really bad, I still go back to the mirror :)

You're not alone and you are loved, my dear. Never forget how beautiful you are and that there are always people that will be there for you if you get down, even if sometimes it's your own reflection :D

[Kate Simmons]

I tend to believe I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be Ashley. Nothing more or less. I can only be myself and no one else.I stand behind all the decisions I've ever made, good, bad or indifferent. I've taken ownership of myself and total responsibility for my own actions. Doesn't get much simpler than that Hon. Be well my friend. :battingeyelashes::)

[Kristy 56]

Ashley, whether it be CDing or anything else in life there are positives and negatives. Please try and replace those negatives with positives. I've got to believe that you've probably got a lot going for you,please try and dwell on that.
Hugs,
Kristy :)

[lingerieLiz]

Ashley!!!

There are many women who would love to meet you and love you.
Why suffer? Enjoy life as you want it to be.
No one should transition unless they want to.
Born a girl? I found that I didn't want to be a girl.
You still haven't had the best year of your life.
I've found that while you think they will laugh you might find that you are their inspiration.

[Fran Moore]

Hey Ashley,

I think you are beautiful, inside and out!

A BIG, Sisterly Hug to you,


Suzanne

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Ashley,
I've heard quite a few people here experiencing this, myself included. Questioning ourselves, and
this lifestyle. Your totally right that dwelling on these ?'s will make anyone miserable. I think most people go through this, not just us CD'ers, although the ?'s are different, Everyone has these highs and lows in life, thats how balance works. Instead of continuing to focus on the negatives, find the positives that you like about your life and send misery packing.
Chin up, and smile sweethart!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Christen]

Ashley,

Big hug from me! They are lies!, and don't you forget it.
We is what we is. Remember to love yourself, nobody else will if you don't.

More hugs,

Christen x

[Milou]

Hell-o Ashley,
I've heard quite a few people here experiencing this, myself included. Questioning ourselves, and
this lifestyle. Your totally right that dwelling on these ?'s will make anyone miserable. I think most people go through this, not just us CD'ers, although the ?'s are different, Everyone has these highs and lows in life, thats how balance works. Instead of continuing to focus on the negatives, find the positives that you like about your life and send misery packing.
Chin up, and smile sweethart!
Much Love,
Kristyn

This. That is some good advice, wish I read this sooner.

[MeDeanna]

Yep. We all process hundreds of thoughts a day. We then evaluate those thoughts. Those thoughts determine our actions.

Act on the positive and try to ignore or mitigate the negative. It is your life. No one has more buy-in than you.

I think you are fine. The world is a big place and what you want is out there.

[flatlander_48]

I’ve been down recently, and I think it’s because of some lies I’ve been telling myself.

I think the fact that you seem to understand what's going on is important. And yes, those are all lies. It's a way in which we justify why we're in the situation we're in. If we use it long enough, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Pick one of those topics and do some critical thinking about it. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into the recordings; take a more objective approach. It could be that you may find some reasons why the lies are just that.