Policing your gender presentation

[MatildaJ.]

I read this interesting essay:
http://www.autostraddle.com/ten-things-i-wish-id-known-when-i-started-my-transition-156538/

Here's the part I don't understand:
>> Before coming out as trans*, I never allowed myself to fully relax. I constantly policed my gender presentation and mannerisms to make sure that I wouldn't raise suspicion. I was terrified that someone would learn the truth about my gender. But one thing that transitioning has taught me is that life is too short to worry about what others think of you. >>

That sounds great, but it conflicts with my understanding that people who transition still spend a lot of their time policing their gender presentation, to help themselves pass. Is anyone actually able to "fully relax" about their gender presentation? What does that look like, and what happens in our culture to people who do that? I think, whether cis or trans, we all police each other's gender as well as our own, and I wish I knew a way out of that rabbit hole.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know. I just go about my day as me. I don't worry much about it anymore.

[stefan37]

Before I came out of the closet I was very conscious about how people would perceive my femininity, so I went to great lengths to hide it. After I had some life altering events in 2008, the urge to be myself took on a greater urgency. I had at the time hair down my back. I got my ears pierced, started to wear eye liner, colored nail polish and female tee shirts and jeans. I did not want anyone seeing any femininity so I cut my hair short. I was able to mitigate my urges for about 4 years when I was encouraged by my wife to seek counseling. Those close to me and at work kinda thought I was eccentric and chalked it to it.

Fast forward and I am actively transitioning going full time in Sept. I am much more calmer and my GD is very manageable as I know I am making progress towards my goal. I go about my life as me and I do nothing to hide anymore. I guess that is what you refer to as being relaxed. I have very male features still. It stresses me out at times but I can be myself and it is a wondrous feeling. Whether I pass or not is a crapshoot at this time as it is a very awkward time. But I go about my life today as Stephanie and it is a vast improvement to my quality of life.

[Nicole Erin]

There comes a point when you just get tired of policing yourself.
What this young lady doesn't realize though about beauty culture and getting hit on, passing etc -
She is still young and pretty. Wait til she gets closer to 40 when we all get fatter and not as pretty. Good-bye attention.

So as you get older, the reason it is easier to not worry and police yourself is cause no one is giving you a second look anyways. Maybe it would be different if our society was not as youth oriented.

[Chari]

Once we accept ourselves as the individual we are (or hope to be), no matter where we are on the gender scale, life can become easier for us but more confusing to others. We can't please everyone so we have to please our self.

[LenGray]

That was a pretty cool article!

I was lucky growing up, because for the most part, people didn't care how I acted or dressed. I was homeschooled and only really talked and interacted with my immediate family since we lived WAY out in the country. I dressed in my brothers clothes, learned swordplay, never wore shoes and was always exploring :) I viewed girl clothes as 'formal' because I only wore them to church and related gatherings. Even when I started public school, I was very boyish and actually got suspended for a while because I was 'defending a lady's honor' lol The only time that I had to hide myself was after high school. And yeah, I policed myself pretty heavily. I started getting into 'girly' things and started feeling trapped and even scared of my gender. I didn't want to be a girl, but I'd never associated my behavior as being a boy's either because I didn't have the reference of 'typical' behaviors that most people do.

I policed myself pretty badly when I first realized that I was trans. And then I realized that that was just switching one cage for another. Yes, it will help you 'pass' but when I realized that I'd already wasted 5 years hiding who I was, why would I want to spend another second? I'm pre-op and pre-T so I'm basically at the 'girl in weird clothes' part of my transition and I'm okay with that. But for most trans people where I am, that 's a horrible place to be! They don't feel that they pass physically and so they want to pass socially. So, they police their gender.

Generally, I've noticed that the ones who are more comfortable with not policing and just being themselves are the people who have had their transition for a while and feel comfortable in their own skin. It won't be immediate, but all rabbit holes lead somewhere wonderful ;)

[PaulaQ]

I guess the difference to me between what I did while presenting as a male, and what I do now is that now, I am unafraid of not passing. Yeah, it kind of sucks - but I no longer fear that my entire life will disintegrate just because some random person reads me as having been born male. Before, the idea that someone would make the connection - omg, he wants to be a woman - was the most terrifying thing to me.

The game of presenting as male always seemed like a really high stakes one - one mistake, and you lose everything. Now? Sure, I worry about passing, and I work on my presentation a lot. (Current hot button - my voice.) But I know I'm going to make a lot of mistakes along the way.

I go out now without makeup from time to time. I've gone out with some facial hair, the days before electrolysis. (That really sucks though!)

I don't really police my gender presentation so much, or at least not in the same way, because:
1. The first key to passing is not to worry about passing. It's like Wile E. Coyote walking off the edge of a cliff. He can truck on out there in thin air for a long time, but the second he looks down, he's screwed. Pretty much the same with passing.

2. The second key to passing is to figure out why you don't pass - and fix that stuff. That means you have to try stuff, at least that is how it seems to me.

Mostly though, I don't worry about it so much. I'm just me. Some of the cues that make me not pass I can fix, some will take time + HRT, and some will take surgery. Sure, sometimes it's upsetting when nothing seems to be working, but over time, it improves.

[kimdl93]

I think the author was referring to the pre transition fear that her true gender might show through in some way....I always feared that the way I walked, threw a ball or some other thing would give away my dreaded secret.

[mikiSJ]

I recently came out as transgender and while I am in transition, I cannot dress fully as myself. When I first decided the world needed(?) to see me I made sure everything was right and fit correctly and the colors and style were complimentary, yada, yada...I certainly didn't want an obvious dressing faux pas to give me away.

Now, I just throw on a pair of NYDJ jeans (I like the fit), a sweater or tank, motojacket or blazer, boots/wedges/clogs, a little makeup and GO! If they see me as a "man in a dress" - so what!

[noeleena]

Hi.

Maybe this way is better then, i went to all my friends all most all. and told them im a female and im going to live as one should, i have worked as a builder so am well known that ment i was known to many firms i went to and many i still do. they all know who i am theres no hiding no cover up all out in the open ,

quess what how to have acceptance is by going to each one and tell them in person, simple dont you think , i went a bit further than that Two TV stations and papers just to make sure, i had not forgot any one so all done over night, and the heading noel or no-el to noeleena all done and dusted very few called me no-el so even my name was changed and accepted by every one apart form 4 close friends,

yes i know you wont or many any way wont do that, yet you know its sorted over night, no issues, even our paper work done with in weeks, and as i went around different parts of the south isl of NZ people would say hi i know you ..... from you being on TV. all of NZ, so that was lovely to be reconised, and people come and talk with you.

Im not sure and even if i know about this Policeing your gender whats mine i dont know theres just no difference between noel or noeleena....i would have great difficulty in trying to seperate the two,

the difference for myself of cause is im well known and its been like that for 56 years with my friends they knew me then and still do, its just no big drama its like those i went to school with in 1956, i'v met up with 7 from our class i really did not need to have to say im noeleena ,

They knew and from our old friends from school forum i made sure they knew, by haveing my names up so when we had our reuion it was no surprise and photo of cause .

yes maybe im mad and maybe im secure and confident in my self to be able to just stand in front of people and talk to large groups of people and have a good repore with them, though of cause theres more that went on behind this post,

life at its worst or best, is still life, thats lived,

...noeleena...

[I Am Paula]

I used to fret and fuss over every detail. I make no secret about my past gender, at 55 I probably have no choice. While I don't wear a t shirt that says trans on it, I do my best, and if I'm seen as the neighborhood tranny, so be it. By far the most important thing is that everybody treats me as a women, genders me correctly, and has no issue with it.

[Inna]

Quite regular thing to do, at least in my own experience.

First we are trapped within the confined of masculine presentation, and even though foreign to our innate state of gender we learn to compensate. Further more, we over compensate to make sure we present hyper masculine in order to mask the feminine. Then comes transition, and we not only need to unlearn the masculine, but now we need to relearn the feminine. Even though girls are born, well, girls, they too are conditioned to become the way girl are. By peer environment they are shaped through observation of other girls and women in their life.

So we do the same, now in feminine aspect we compensate and perhaps overcompensate, until it becomes innate, automatic.

That is the time when we can finally relax. Some are faster learners then others, some posses so much femininity that it takes them very short period of time, then some may never fully encompass full feminine mannerisms.