Did it happen to you?

[GabbiSophia]

Over the last few days the GD just took a back seat... A way way back seat.. it is nice but it is confusing because all this feels like a fantasy. Then this morning it comes roaring back. It keeps you in a state of limbo. I have no clue if it is real or if it is something else. D
I question all the time am a woman or am I just dreaming. The break was nice but I also feel like a piece of me was missing almost like I have dealt with it so long I felt odd without it. Tomorrow is a therapy session and i hope to try to understand myself. Self reflection is hard. I know everyone says it but I wish i hade a crystal ball so I knew what to do.

[Donna Joanne]

Steph,

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to live my life on a roller coaster too. GD is such a naughty thing, it hides and then jumps out at you when you least expect it. Are you on HRT? I do know that when I had started HRT my GD seemed to subside somewhat. I was only on it for a brief period of time, but it was a wonderful feeling. I am anxiously waiting now for a minimum of 6 months before I can begin again.

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better about you soon!

Hugs,
Donna

[LeaP]

Steph,

I will tell you this – I found it incredibly hard to focus on my feelings. It was becoming a running joke with my therapist. She would ask how I felt about something and I would respond with what I thought. So she gave me an exercise, which was to sit down and remain quiet when I noticed something odd emotionally, not getting up until I could pinpoint the source.

I killed a great deal of my emotionality through my life. I'm hypersensitive (in the clinical sense) and my way of dealing with it was to suppress it. There's a whole syndrome associated with that, but the real point is that it was really, really difficult to go through the exercise. There have been occasions on which it might take me a half an hour to an hour to really figure out what was going on. Also, the emotions on the surface don't necessarily track to those that live beneath. An outwardly happy, yet pressured mood can hide a boiling anger somewhere else.

So it is no surprise to me that you don't know how you feel. Rather than accept this in the form of a concern about a permanent state of confusion, you need to work with your therapist to start getting clarity on your emotions. People often talk about finding themselves. I can tell you that it is possible in a very literal sense.

[Janelle_C]

My GD was so bad before I went on HRT. It was kicking my butt 24-7. After I went on HRT It seemed to go away. I don't know if it was the HRT or the fact that I had made the decision to mover forward or both. It still come back once in awhile. But it's different know. I look at women and think about the ease of them being a woman. They don't have to think about it they just are. And I know I will be there some day.

[dreamer_2.0]

My GD has also taken a back seat lately. It's still there but not causing the level of anxiety it did only a short while ago. This has happened before though the GD comes back to to full strength eventually, so it's quite possible the cycle will repeat. I've read a few narratives describing this, so perhaps it's normal.

Like OP, I'm also wondering if I am a woman or if it's a recurring dream, just a fantasy. This has been my suspicion since probably the beginning of the GD. Frankly, I don't know what to make of it and agree it's confusing.

[Michelle789]

Over the last few days the GD just took a back seat... A way way back seat.. it is nice but it is confusing because all this feels like a fantasy. Then this morning it comes roaring back. It keeps you in a state of limbo. I have no clue if it is real or if it is something else.

Yes, please read this thread. The feelings of confusion can be so annoying. My GD was at it's worst from Jan to Aug of 2013, and slowly subsided since then with ups and downs. I think firing the psychic and joining this forum and taking steps to improve my appearance helped reduce the GD tremendously, as well as PMing some people here about this. Still I had doubts a couple of weeks ago after presenting as male and having a good time. I started thinking that maybe I'm just trying to evade responsibility (which I don't have any wife or kids, but felt guilt that I should get married and have kids since that's what most "normal" people do, right), or that I'm a spoiled brat, or that this is just some big fantasy. However, not all moments as a male need to be agony if you have GD.

Here's another analogy. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I had plenty of good times while drunk. Just because I had good times while drunk doesn't mean I'm not an alcoholic, and it doesn't mean that alcohol wasn't destroying my life. Just because I had good times while presenting male doesn't mean I don't have GD.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?210037-Doubts-about-being-Trans


I question all the time am a woman or am I just dreaming.

Me too. Seeing a therapist who helped to confirm that my childhood transgender feelings are in fact GD, and not some underlying other mental disorder, and was not caused by my father.

Last week I got my full body waxed, from below the neck. I feel a million times better. I feel like I have real skin and am not this ugly looking neanderthal with thorns sticking out of my body. The worst part of dealing with my body hair was looking at my hands and fingers, since I work with computers and type all the time I have to look at my hands. Before waxing, when I looked at my hands, I saw an old freak bum monster. Now what I see are my own hands. Real hands.

Also when I went for my waxing appointment, they told me that I handled the pain far better than average. I felt no soreness afterwards, as most people feel soreness for a few hours afterwards. I was not on any ibuprofen nor any other painkillers. Perhaps this tells me that I desparately wanted my body hair removed that I tolerated the pain better and at the same time probably felt less pain than the average person feels getting their body waxed.

I still feel the confusion though, but less confusion than last week. Also the fact that I braved the rain to go to my TG support group, presenting as female, tells me a lot too. Especially since rain is rare in LA and people in LA often stay home when it rains. In fact, I actually cancelled my tax appointment the following day because of the rain, but I went to my TG support group in the rain.

Still, I feel you girl. It's really annoying to be confused and feel like this is all some fantasy or dream. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

[Jorja]

I think with most of us the GD does ebb and flow. From very mild to drive you totally insane. I also think if you were to do a study of it, you would find that when we are feeling the most stressed is when the GD is the worst. At least that is the way it was for me. It really helped me to learn how to control my stress levels.

[GabbiSophia]

Jorja your not n kidding two weeks ago I was going insane..As my posts showed. Right now not so much it is a dull pain in the back of my mind. No clue what to do but to try and live and deal with what comes.

[KellyJameson]

For me to understand what was happening I had to see myself separate from myself as a neutral observer of myself.

You become introspective but from the desire to learn without judgement or desire.

I always lived with the sensation that there was this other person living inside me that was influencing me but was inaccessible as if invisible so I could not understand what this "other person" wanted and why I was compelled to act out strange behavior such as removing all my body hair and this turned out to be the female identity that I had rejected because I was forced to in childhood and in this rejection I split myself off from me into two people living side by side in one brain.

There was my real identity as a girl/woman created in early childhood that was constantly being reinforced by finding parts and aspects of me only in other woman and than my false identity that was created to hide my real identity from everybody else including me

Try to look at yourself and your life as a duality between the real and the false. The real identity that was made for you because of who you are and the false one that was made by you "because of who you are"

For me life long GD caused a split betweent the true self and the false self I presented "as my gender"

The thing about gender is it touches every aspect of your life. All your relationships in every way you can possibly relate plus the relationship you have and have had with your body.

You spend a lifetime living "outside of yourself" so separated from your life.

This causes a type of numbness and empty hollow feeling like there is a hole or void inside you that cannot be filled up no matter what you do.

This comes from not be able to live your gender which causes "trauma" to the mind and brain.

Look at your life and see if you relate to "trauma victims"

Look at your life and see if you relate to "symptoms of multiple personality"

There are serious psychological ramifications from not being able to live your gender which is one reason parents are starting to allow children to discover and communicate their gender instead of having gender imposed on them.

We are slowly becoming enlightened to the damage that has been caused in the name of gender conformity.

Ask yourself how you have been impacted by society, family,friends, community, ect.. imposing gender on you.

The dysphoria can be reduced through understanding. I do not believe it can be eliminated "for transsexuals" only through understanding but the obsessive thoughts and constant questioning does diminish as you move toward clarity and than followed by "purposeful action" (transitioning/changing to the degree you need too, to fulfill identity)

Try not to box yourself in with lables such as being transgendered/transsexual or even if what you are experiencing is gender dysphoria because in the beginning there is a danger you will try to than live up to the label and become the label.