depression and acceptance

[miss ali]

I really want to be careful about my topics here because this is something that is serious to me and I could really use any input I could get that may be helpful......not to talk about sex or whatever but I will say because it is important that my wife and I are swingers . Well we hadn't done any swinging since I told her about my dressing ......actually when I told her about my dressing it came with a disclaimer. I told her I didn't know if we could do both , I mean I didn't think we could swing so long as I was dressing . I didn't know if I could handle it ....and I have to say too that my wife was fine with that in fact she usually handles things much much better than I do . Well we recently went to the casino with plans of going shopping and having a spa day and a whole bunch of other stuff that we didn't end up doing.....we took one of her friends down with us, planning to all play together ......we met s couple down there and ended up hooking up and as I predicted I didn't cope with things very well......I didn't do anything stupid or whatever but I have been severely depressed ......inadequacy issues and everything else you name it.....my wife is always so accepting and easy going and the trouble is is that I have trouble accepting myself and I'm constantly asking her if she is sure she is ok with it .....again I have no reason to believe she is not ...I just have trouble being accepted I guess.....mix in the fact that I was drug and alcohol free for eight years but a recent back injury got me right back to where I was eight years ago and I feel really shitty about myself.......but again I have escape mechanisms ......sex, drugs ect.and the drugs def make me be able to be more accepting of myself when I'm dressed I haven't wanted to dress or be perceived in a feminine way since we got back and it's def a bummer because it is fun for both of us. It def seems emotionally in our relationship that I am the more feminine one and I joke about it often ......I am a very manly man and treat my wife as such in the bedroom unless otherwise planned .......I guess I just can't find balance between the two ......I wish I could handle things so seemingly easily like my wife ......or maybe I wish she could open up as much as I do.....I know I'm not a bad person because I enjoy pretending to be a girl .....but knowing and believing are two different things .....we usually get much enjoyment out of watching each other with other ppl......I'm not asking for advice on the morality of our sexual choices in our marriage ....I just dont know how I'll ever be able to accept my self for what I am all sides .....thanks for reading , Ali

[Jennifer S]

Hi, Ali. There's a lot there but I'll try to keep it brief. It sounds like you are in a great relationship and having an accepting spouse is a HUGE benefit. Accepting yourself is the hard part. I feel your pain, sister! I have been though it and I know how awful it feels. Self loathing is a hard thing to get out from under and it is just a crappy thing to have to carry around. I was horribly depressed for a couple of years leading up to now. You will find plenty of support here and you should feel free to PM me any time. I am a huge advocate of therapy. It worked wonders for me in getting to a place where I could accept the fact that I am trans and be ok with that. Just talking will help and you have your wife for that. She sounds like she will be there for you.
Remember: depression lies. You can't beat it alone and you are not alone.
Hang in there.
Jenn

[AllieSF]

Ali, maybe what you are you doing in life and with your life, is putting yourself in a situation where you are walking a thin and delicate line. I mean that you may feel that you always need to bring your "A" game to your life and activities to stay on the line. The little I know about open relationships, sounds good for those that can make it work, and making it work actually does take a lot of "work", including the mental kind. The relationship seems to be going along fine and under control and then the desire, and maybe need, to crossdress or to cross over another not totally societal understood nor accepted line comes into the picture. You may have been balanced on that thin line and now maybe you maybe you are unbalanced, which makes walking and staying on that already thin line that much more difficult.

Sometimes we just need to step back and try to determine what are the important priorities that we should focus on. Try to see where the conflict is coming into our once balanced lie, and then determine how to re-balance it all. I am not sure how long you have been dressing, how long ago that you told your wife and how comfortable you are with your crossdressing. If it is all fairly recent, then I recommend that you give it time to settle in so that both of you can adapt to the newer you. The main thing I have seen from people who are truly happy and who have been able to minimize or mitigate the impact of dressing on the rest of their lives is that most of them are really totally accepting of who they are (they have no doubts nor hang ups with it - it exists, so they just live with it), have learned how to more or less manage that with the rest of their lives, sometimes at the expense of other interests, and then they just get on with their lives.

To be in an open relationship that has worked for a long period of time probably indicates that the person has learned how to work that side of themselves into their regular life, in a way like a normal acceptable occurrence for themselves, and thus they are balanced. That is why I think that time, an open view point and good communication may be your best solution. If all this has been around a long time, then maybe getting some qualified third party assistance may be in order. Either way, good luck.

[Beverley Sims]

I do agree your lifestyle does clash with cross-dressing.

I do not think anyone in your group would want to know about it.