therapy today

[GabbiSophia]

Hard day with lots of emotions for me. 3 hr talk can wear you out. In the end everything I am trying to do to ease the gd is not working. The anxiety is a bi a atch and i hate it. I for it all hate what ihave become but I want to live. At the end of the meeting I asked for my letter and she said she agreed tthat it was time.


So why do I not feel happy about this?

[Cheyenne Skye]

How did you get a three hour therapy appointment? Usually it is 45-50 minutes.

[Angela Campbell]

So what you have been doing hasn't worked. A good sign you need to do something else.

What is it you do not feel happy about?

[GabbiSophia]

Cheyenne it has been 2 months since my last appointment and i scheduled it ahead. I knew I would prob ask for my letter for hormones so I wanted extra time to talk about everything I have been going through

@angela starting hormones...

[PaulaQ]

You don't feel happy because you are going to take a big step, and make a big change. Change is hard, especially when you are deeply invested in your life. It's possible that nearly everything in your life will change - that is a terrifying prospect.

The letter means you no longer have anyone else to push off responsibility for whatever decision you make. You stand at the crossroads now, and have to make choice - to start HRT, or to not start. Either choice has unpredictable consequences for your future.

And it's not like you lived your life going "OMG, I adore all things girly! I can't wait to be a girl and wear pretty dresses and flirt with all the boys!" If you are anything like me, you would've rather gotten cancer, than this. But we don't get a choice, so here you are - the moment of truth. Get treatment for a terrible medical condition, and feel as if you've wrecked other lives, or spare them, and don't get treatment, and live (or maybe die) in a hell within your own mind.

It's a tough spot Steph.

Paula

[Angela Campbell]

I really do not know what to say. You do not want to transition, you do not want to be a girl, and you do not want to take hormones. Perhaps you need to spend a lot more time with the therapist. 3 hrs is not much time. You need to determine what it is you want. Hormones is taking a direction towards what you do not want.

Maybe I just do not understand because I never met a ts or someone with gd that didn't want those things.

[PaulaQ]

There's a difference in what we want and what we need to do sometimes. Believing who and what we are can seem impossible and terrifying when the world tells you NO.

[GabbiSophia]

Angela it is a dilemma, I am good at and love my male life. I learned it well and tons invested. I stand to lose it all. My mind wants me to transition so therefore I want to transition but it is like a dream state. All this is very confusion. Btw I have been in therapy over a year. I finally excepted that I have always been a woman and it hurts to be honest with you. Paula I must have said I would rather have cancer 4 times yesterday to two different people.

Fear is a damn tough thing to face. The GD is terrible and all the other things I have been doing is not relieving it at all. I asked my wife in a sad state if it better to embrace it or fight and be miserable while do it? That's why I said I didn't feel happy. I found the bottom of the rabbit hole and dang it. Paula was correct that this is more about what I need to do then what I want to do. The GD is a bear and is affecting my life and I have to stop it before it kills me. So I am going to take the steps to make the GD go away by aligning my body with my mind. I will take the steps to become the woman I always have been. It is just going to take awhile to grieve over the loss of myself.

[Angela Campbell]

Angela it is a dilemma, I am good at and love my male life. I learned it well and tons invested. I stand to lose it all. My mind wants me to transition so therefore I want to transition but it is like a dream state. .

So is it possible that fear is the thing which is ruling a large part of your discomfort?

Handling the fear is a large part of self acceptance. Yes we do have a chance to "lose it all" although these days most seldom do. You have to realistically determine what could take place and what you will be able to do about it.

All of us go through the time of fearing the worst....god knows I did ....but once you can get past that it is a different world. A good one. None of my worst fears haunt me now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

HRT is not a final step.

You are doing everything you can to keep your current life and its literally driving you crazy... you sign up for HRT and you don't feel good about it because you know its scary and risky.

When i started HRT i couldn't wait any longer..i had very mixed emotions and the ups and downs of it were extreme...i was ecstatic and then i was thinking of dying...sometimes up and down multiple times a day...

so although i know its hard to swallow, its the way it goes... yes some people go to HRT and are overjoyed... but that's not you... it just means that you are your own person.

When you go back to your therapist i'm sure you can discuss your "day after" feelings..

and sometimes i wished i was dead (same as wishing i had cancer)...i was never actually suicidal but i thought about being "better off dead" a lot.... here's a secret...i'm 51 now, i'm obsessed with fear of death!!! I fight that fear all the time

If i died now i'd be very upset!!!!

[GabbiSophia]

Angels of course it is and once I have my paperwork i will face it. I will go to the doctor and start the process o needed to start hormones. It still doesn't change the fact i am pissed at the situation.

[PretzelGirl]

Steph, we are closely aligned on our timelines at this point it seems. I had a similar experience at my appointment yesterday as far as what happened. The difference is I was happy and sad. The sadness is just what I already know I need to do to get to what will make me happy. And it is okay because I am facing it and ready for it. What has helped me greatly, and I want to offer it up, is that from my first appointment, I have been journalling my trans-realated thoughts including what I took out of each session. I take two times to read through what I wrote, right as I write it and I try and go over a block of time every once in a while. When I read it, if it bugs me, I decide if I can do something about it. If I can't, I work towards just accepting it. If I can, then I make that happen or make a mental/physical note to do it when the time is right.

We have a lot swirling in our minds and it can be too much to process at the rate it comes. If you think this might work, try it. For me it helps break things down into digestable parts. The extra benefit is that I do like going back and refreshing my memory on discussions and thoughts. It keeps the big picture and what I want in the end in focus.

[GabbiSophia]

Kaitlyn you make me laugh... i would pissed to if i died and actually it is that far that is driving me to follow the path. I have no clue where I am heading. I wanted to live a dual and accept the gd at that but the gd has other wants
It is a very interesting and confusing time in my life. Though through all this one thing that keeps me focused is the world and my life havent stopped for me to deal with this. I have other things to worry about and responsibilties to take care of. So i am going to do this in stide.

I have to find a endo in central Florida and look into laser/electro also so if anyone has a recommendation let me know

[Donna Joanne]

Remember one thing Steph, having the letter and USING the letter are two distinct issues. Just because you have the letter doesn't mean you HAVE to use it right away. Find an endocrinologist and make an appointment for 30-45 days out to give yourself time to think. If you're ready when the appointment time comes, great. If not, reschedule. Take your time and be sure. Praying for you girl!
LDH (long distance hugs).
Donna