Name change and work

[Cheyenne Skye]

So at my last couple of therapy appointments, we have been discussing legal name change and coming out at work. After my last appointment I went to a pro bono attorney and started the paperwork for the name change. Work would be the last "coming out" I have to do. As for the name change, it doesn't bother me having to tell my creditors and such by phone. But telling everyone at work freaks me out. I feel like I have much more to do about my appearance before I can be comfortable. (I wouldn't be wearing makeup or even really dressing differently as we have uniforms at my job.) By coming out at work, I would basically be full time.

But the gist of my last couple therapy sessions is that I would be able to significantly reduce my anxiety if I just got it out there. While that may be true, my fear over it is immobilizing. I am a perfectionist and very detail oriented by nature. So the big thing for me is to always consider the possible outcomes of any important decision. So I get stuck thinking about all the what ifs of any given situation. It swirls around in my head driving me crazy. I did that for months when I considered whether or not to start HRT. Finally I just said to myself, "Go with your feelings, stop over thinking it." So I did and asked my therapist for the letter at my next appointment. That was about a year and a half ago. At the time, I figured what the hell, if it doesn't work out, I can stop taking them and go back. But the repercussions of going forward this time would be a lot harder to take back. But if it went wrong, sure I could de-transition, but how do you face all those people everyday who know you made the biggest mistake of your life? I need to be sure this is the right thing to do but I also understand that there is no way to really "know" before hand. You just have to do it and let the chips fall and hope it was the right decision. And that is where all my "what ifs" come to mind. How do I just let it go and dive in head first? I can't just dip my toe in the water, so to speak.

Advice greatly appreciated.


P.S. Having started the paperwork for the name change puts a ticking clock on coming out at work. Not exactly sure how long I have but my attorney said it could take a few months. I know I've kind of put myself into a corner here, but maybe that is what I need to force me to action.

[Angela Campbell]

You have to do it your own way...that being said I didn't do it this way. I first made sure my appearance was acceptable to at least me, I spent time on hormones for 6 months first, I spent months being full time away from work. I didn't do anything until I felt like I was ready.

There is only one thing you cannot undo with a transition. Telling everyone. Why be in such a hurry to jump in? Changing your name and coming out at work is a big step, be sure you are ready before you do. Just "doing it and letting the chips fall" would not be my first choice.

I also wear a uniform at work. It consist of a mans polo shirt, khakis and steel toed shoes. Do I look and dress differently? Hell yes I do. I had my hair colored and styled, found some very nice womens Khakis and womens work shoes, and most definitely use makeup. I also add in pink socks and some jewelry. Do I look the same as before? Nope I look like a lady working there.

Then again if you are ready.....well it is stressful but the hard part doesn't last but a few minutes and then it is over, and life goes on. None of my nightmares were fullfilled.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Another point I forgot to make was that every time I call HR, I get voice mail and if I leave a message they have, of course, called back when I'm unable to answer. I've thought about telling my general manager to get the ball rolling but when I suggested that to the attorney, she told me that even with the company's diversity policy, the county I live in does not have transgendered protections in the law yet. (They are about to pass a statewide law, but even if it goes through, it won't go into effect until October.)

@Angela:

Not only do I wear a uniform, it is a dirty sweaty job and it would be a waste of time and money for make up. I have been growing my hair for a couple years now, and it falls to the middle of my back. (A little higher when pulled into a pony tail.) I have also gone from brown to blond and had acrylic nails for the better part of the last two years. (I wear gloves to protect them.) I have been on HRT for almost a year and a half now and am almost up to a B cup. (I wear sport bras to minimize them at work.) Yet they still refer to me by my male name and use male pronouns. According to my therapist, it would probably not come as a very big surprise to most of my coworkers when I do come out officially. So I guess I just need to make it "official". But to me it is a point of no return. I could go back to being a guy at this point even if it did cause internal distress. So I guess that brings me to the point I'm at now. Once done, it can't be undone and that's what scares me.

[DebbieL]

I chose my employer 15 years ago because I knew they had a really strong diversity policy. They even cover HRT and other therapy with their primary insurances, I spent about 2 years living femme everywhere BUT work, including flying to and from my client destinations. Of course there was some bleed-through. Women noticed the gel on my fingernails, they noticed my shoes and complimented me on them. When i lost so my weight my wedding ring kept falling off, I got a women's bridal set, and women started noticing and complimenting me on it. Pretty soon, I was quite open about telling people I was transgendered and in process of transition. I told my company supervisor while I was still at a successful engagement, and he not only assured me it wouldn't be a problem, but also referred me to some people who would help plan the switch to working full time. I was told to put up a feminine picture and choose a feminine nickname based on my real name.

I took a course as "Rexy", and had no difficulty passing. Then I went on an engagement where I HAD to be "Rexy" full time (Baton Rouge Louisiana), and I found that I passed with no difficulty. When I came back from the course, I had been presented to a client for and engagement. The partner told them "She is available, and she would be perfect for this assignment". The client interviewed me in person and decided that I would fit in perfectly. The client also has a strong diversity policy as well, and they have been very supportive. I've been working as "Rexxie" (a spelling chosen by a co-worker to make it more feminine), and they know that I'm going to be legally changing my name.

Since working full time as Rexxie, I'm happier and healthier than I have ever been. My heart doctor was thrilled when I told him I was taking spiro. I was able to quit 5 medications because Spiro helped with blood pressure, heart rate, prostate, and headaches.

There is no turning back. I may have to wear a wig the rest of my life (hair is down to shoulders, but thin on top). My breasts are 38C and likely to get larger. The last vestige is that I sing baritone in my church choir, but even there I'm losing about a third every two months. Pretty soon I'll be singing tenor with my wife. Wish I could be singing soprano.

The point is that I never want to go back. I spent 53 years waiting, wishing, hoping, praying for the ability to be a "girl". I've tried to transition 3 times prior to this and was talked out of it by people who gave me the ultimatums of horrible consequences (Never see my kids again, ruin my career, never be a leader) if I didn't abort the transitions. I've been hospitalized over 60 times, seen therapists, have 33 years clean and sober, and when I finally spoke to a therapist who had experience with transgenders, he was able to quickly diagnose me as a type 6 transsexual, someone who would likely die if I didn't change.

The prospect of NOT being ABLE to change to Debbie caused me to become very self destructive. I tried to destroy my testes so I wouldn't become a man, I turned to drugs and alcohol, trying to overdose every other week-end, I tried to commit suicide (took actual actions that should have killed me) at least a few dozen times, with a half-dozen close calls. It finally came down to the choice between a "Prestone Cocktail" or hormones. I went back to a gender therapist every week, my wife started coming to therapy with me, and we have been working through the changes together.

I have been amazed at how much my life has changed. Debbie went to Thanksgiving dinner with the Family. They didn't like Rex much, and the game was to NOT be the last one at the table who got stuck with Rex, who would dump factoids for hours if allowed to do so. Rex would then isolate, going to sleep in a recliner chair, or going onto the computer or kindle or tablet. Debbie was entirely different. She WANTED to help out in the kitchen, and wanted to be one of the girls. She even showed that she knew how to cook and really loved cooking. When dinner was over, she helped clear the table and washed the dishes. She played games with the family, and even won at Poker. The family loved me. At Christmas, they said "We didn't get Rex any presents, they were all for Debbie, because we really like her, I hope that's OK". I cried tears of joy, I was so happy. Rex hated Christmas. Getting clothes for a man, getting techie toys that were relatively inexpensive. Even the Kindle, the best present Rex ever got, was loved and cherished by Debbie because I could read books with transgender and transsexual themes.

Even at church, people really like Debbie, even better than Rex. A few of the older men are struggling with it, and a few have asked me questions, but they quickly understand and are grateful when I have explained what they need to know.

[Maria in heels]

By what you tell us and what i am reading, your hesitation about coming out at work seems to be a mute point, since you basically are "out" at work already. By your own description, you have grown out your hair, do have visible breasts, on HRT and have acrylic nails...you are a female in my book. Making the announcement should not be a problem, but maybe you should wait till October, just in case, so that you can move on with your transition with the protection of the law. If you cannot get thru to HR, maybe its best, because as the lawyer says, the company may have a policy, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't go "sideways" if someone chose to....

I congratulate you on being such a strong, focused, person, and I'm sure that you will be wonderful .... whats a piece of paper anyways. We know who we are, and don't need others to tell us who we are right?

[I Am Paula]

Everyone is different, and I am not judging by any means, but you are the first trans woman I've ever heard of who has even considered having a contingency plan to de-transition.
It sounds like you are not fully committed, and from that stems your fear of coming out. Before making it public, you should address why you feel you may have to abandon ship. If it is family, deal with that first. If it's your employment, deal with HR, and have it in stone before proceeding. No one but you understands your situation, but it does sound like it needs more time, and thought. Good luck!

[stefan37]

It would be a big mistake to not have HR and management on your side before legally changing your name. You have to make the effort to talk to your boss or supervisor and HAVE them arrange the meeting with HR, if it is too inconvenient for you. I can only see trouble changing your name and then informing the company, "oh BTW My name is now x and I want to you to use the pronouns she and her. Good luck with that one.

I came out to my employees and customers well before I changed my name. I also work in a male environment and my work clothes consist of a woman's work tee, Jeans and sneakers or boots. This is a personal journey for all of us , but somethings like informing those we work with (management mainly) is tantamount to legally changing name. I didn't change my name until I was sure it was the right time. The danger transition presents is the farther along the road we travel, the faster we want the process to go. The thing is transition has happen in its own time at it's own pace.

I have my own business so the process I went through will be different than the process someone else would follow working for a company.

[annaaustintx]

How do I just let it go and dive in head first? I can't just dip my toe in the water, so to speak.

Advice greatly appreciated.I won't actually provide any advice. I can, however, recount a couple of things which may or may not be useful to you.

Among our very first sessions, my therapist said to me "I will not give you any answers. Only you, have the answers. I can only help you to find them."

"There's no going back." was the phrase I used to describe to her my feelings about coming out to my family and at work.

Much further along, after I've bisected and dissected things in multiple ways, she said: "It's definitely possible to over-analyze things. Sometimes it's best to just trust your instincts."

And the coup de grace was a question I came up with all by my lonesome self: "Would I rather spend the rest of my life as a man, or as a woman?" The answer to that question was, is, and always will be what guides me in this journey.