Pushing her buttons!

[Katie7]

On Friday I decided to go out with the SO as it has been a while since we went out just the two of us. We went out shopping and it was good fun. I think she enjoys the fact that I too like going to women's shops and I enjoy the experience. Though its mostly about her and we rarely talk about the stuff that would suit me or what I would like to have. But this is all fine with me.

Later we went to have a meal and in the middle of our conversation I started comparing myself with a women sitting at the table close to us. THAT DID NOT GO DOWN WELL AT ALL!. Her points were, "We having a romantic meal together why you are looking at other women?" and "You find the the other women tall and sexy and you want to be like her and you don't find me as attractive". Well, I didn't find the other women more attractive but I totally get her point on "this is the time that we should be spending together with no other person involved" and I totally get that. Even though the whole reason behind my asking was "I got the same built as her I wonder what size she is wearing?"

So, me thinking ladies don't like to be compared to other women by their partner. But also, they don't like their partners to compare themselves with other women too! (or at least in my case)

Then she told me that I really made her upset as I pushed her beyond the limit of her acceptance of me CDing (background: its been three months since I came out to her). So, now I realized that I have to go slower with her, finding the limits of sharing things with her without pushing her out of the picture or start being secretive about things.

I learned a lesson, I apologized to my lady and we carried on with our meal.

Katie x

[Jorja]

Never, never, talk about another woman in the presence of your wife or SO. Open mouth, insert foot!

[ReineD]

Katie, I'm a GG as well and I can totally understand where your wife was coming from. I too have gotten jealous when I noticed my SO "noticing" other women.

I think this is because we hate to think of you as women. We hope that you are not transsexual. We like to think that you are still men (or we believe you when you tell us that you identify as men) who then logically would look at women the way that other men look at women, and not like WE look at other women (without any sexual admiration). If this makes sense. It was really hard for me, at least, to turn off the idea that my SO and I were hetero romantic partners and think of us instead as best girlfriends going out together. It's not a difference in clothing styles or presentation that will turn that switch off, it's a redefinition of our entire relationship.

I have gotten better at turning that switch on and off over the years. But it was nearly impossible in the beginning. In fact, it made me feel rather empty, as if we weren't a couple any more .. you know, the way that I feel when I go out with a female friend. It can still be hard to turn that switch off.

I guess it's hard to explain.

[CynthiaD]

I've found that it's never a good idea to start a conversation about a female stranger with my wife. If I say the other woman looks good, she thinks I'm putting her down. If I say something bad, it's even worse. Then she thinks I'm putting down all women especially her. If my wife says something, I pretend that I never really noticed the other woman, and after an appropriate pause I say, "Yeah, I see what you mean."

As far as comparing myself to another woman for CD purposes, I think I would be asking for lots of trouble if I did that.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I have no idea if my H thinks like this when we're out, but if he verbalised that he thinks he looks like another woman I'd be packing my bags the same day. I'm heterosexual and seriously NOT interested in being with a woman. I think the OP's wife clearly feels the same way and hopefully this mistake won't ruin things long term. It's hard to undo these moments once done.

I know if it were me, I'd always be wondering how 'female' he really felt. Hopefully, like Reine mentioned, the wife can turn the 'off' switch. Otherwise she's left always wondering and that's a horrible place to be.

[Ms. Alexis]

I have to say it's always going to be hard as a CD or Bi-Gendered person in a relationship with a biological woman. After the end of my 2nd marriage (CD was a part of that, but only a minor part) I decided that I would never get into another relationship without my partner knowing what they were getting into before it got too serious. So my current wife married me knowing that I am a CD / Bi-gendered, and embraces all of me. But being totally honest even now after dating two years and being married over four it can still be hard for both of us sometimes. Especially when she wants me to act like a "Real Man" and I have a very hard time filling that role, So even though we both understand each other and love each other deeply, we still have our go's. We just step back and work through them because even when we disagree or don't understand our own or each others reactions we do understand that we love each other and are committed to each other. So the bottom line is every relationship had hard spots and requires work, for us and out significant others it just requires more effort and better communications if we are to have successful LTR's.

[lingerieLiz]

Reine hit the nail on the head. My wife is very hetro. She told me early on she was not interested in being with a woman. She can handle my wearing female clothes, but she wants to be with the man she loves. Luckily I'm not driven to look and pass as a woman. While I wear casual women's clothes I don't try to pass. From time to time I do the fem thing, but when I'm on a trip by myself.

[Taylor Ray]

Katie, I'm a GG as well and I can totally understand where your wife was coming from.

Thank you so much for your candid point of view, Reine. I really appreciate it!

I am a bisexual crossdresser who is currently single. I still have powerful attractions towards GGs but am learning how difficult it is to express all aspects of myself in a hetero relationship. In regards hetero relationships I am definitely a bench warmer or a "redshirt". How many years are we aloud to redshirt hetero relationships without losing our "tuition"?

[Katey888]

Katie,

From what you say this is a relatively short time that you SO has known this and not something you talk about every day - if I've got this wrong, I apologise, but my impression is that while she's accepting (to a point) she's not unequivocally supportive and her acceptance may still be something she's trying to work out? Three months is not long for her, so I think I would advise a good dose of caution on your part as anyone can be jealous - she has the added complexity of trying to establish whether or not you're scoping other women for reasons other than sizing them... (which also might be considered a bit creepy... :eek:)

Sounds like your conclusion was the right approach - but please take care as I fear your search for full acceptance may be far from over..

Good luck!

Katey x

[noeleena]

Hi,

Oh dear oh dear.... sorry to say it males can not keep thier eye's off other women, and then comparing your self to an other woman and you are married, gee, and i wonder why i dont understand men. i was around men who's talk was about women or more to the point female beauty's and how they looked, and what they would do , i hated it so when they started i walked out the door to get away from them.

yes i understand dresser's to some degree and why you /they wont to emulate a younger woman and look like her,

At the very least you are very honist ....and in telling us,..... and im not surprised your wife said what she did , i know i would have thought im not good enough for you, as said this was about the ....TWO.... of you no one else, i would have walked, see ya . gone. sorry to say it , i hope you learned a valuble lesson i think you have,

i know what its like to be compared to another woman i hate it , so yes it dam well hurts, i know what your wife felt,

I know we all have a beauty about us some of us show it, yes for all eye's to see , other's of us its not seen yet we show it in other way's.

I hope you really did make it up to your wife, .

...noeleena...

[Di]

GG here....not going to beat you up too bad since you get it:eek:....it was not cool to do that.
Your wife was thinking about just being with you....your relationship....having time out together and you were thinking about you.
Since she has only known 3 months I am sure she is working it out in her mind how this can/will fit in your life together. I do not think it was being jealous exactly BUT seeing that instead of it being about you as a couple ....your mind was on your dressing.

[kimdl93]

That s relationship 101. Your SO was generous in letting you off that easily?

[Jordan]

Yes mot a good move them thoughts are best kept to ourselves glad to hear you made up

[Katie7]

Hello,

Thank you for your messages. So, it is a complicated learning curve for both of us. Naturally I want to go faster and she wants to go slower. I can understand that and I am trying my best to adjust my speed. But there is a lot to learn and its very confusing. For example I never ever compared my partner to other women, cause I know its wrong and I'm not that kind of person. But doing this? I had no idea how would this affect her (I'm not the brightest person in the world when it comes to relationships!).
Yes she did let me off that night, but I had time to reflect on what happened the other day and we had a chat again. I explained to her that in no way my condition justifies my action and that I was really sorry for what I said. She accepted my apology and explained to me that we are in this together and we will make things work.
I really love her and I know she loves me too (btw we're not married, been together for a year and a half).

Reine, I get your point. Thanks for sharing.

Thinkerbell, I am sure the biggest question mark for her is how female I am and this is something that I find very difficult to establish with her. I want to be her man but also live my female side. I think we need more time on this.

Katey, I'm sure she knows that I'm not scoping other women for other reasons. But I learned to be cautious.

Di, I think about dressing a lot of time and I find it difficult having a control over it. But I'm working on it.

Katie x

[Caden Lane]

Your husband verbalizing that he thinks he looks like another woman does not make you a lesbian. It just means that he appreciates how she looks, and he sees parallels in how she looks versus how he looks, or else he'd like to emulate her look while dressed. It also does not mean that he wants to be a woman full time. Many crossdressers only dress part of the time, and do not seek furtherance of their dressing.


I have no idea if my H thinks like this when we're out, but if he verbalised that he thinks he looks like another woman I'd be packing my bags the same day. I'm heterosexual and seriously NOT interested in being with a woman. I think the OP's wife clearly feels the same way and hopefully this mistake won't ruin things long term. It's hard to undo these moments once done.

I know if it were me, I'd always be wondering how 'female' he really felt. Hopefully, like Reine mentioned, the wife can turn the 'off' switch. Otherwise she's left always wondering and that's a horrible place to be.

[Beverley Sims]

Katie,
Yes be careful, at least you are able to realise what your shortcomings are.

[Debra Russell]

Hello,

(I'm not the brightest person in the world when it comes to relationships!).
Katie x

:doh::brolleyes::beatup::bonk::bighug:............ .......................Debra