My First Bad Hurt, need advice!

[Janelle_C]

Let me start by saying that I've been blessed for the most part with friends and family's love and acceptance. My brother who is struggling with this is doing much better. I have a family friend who I've known most of my life who I truly conceder her my big sister and she's always thought of me as her little brother. We have gone on vacations together, I know she love me. She is struggling with this to. I thought she was doing better than what she seems to be doing. My wife and I (Janelle) have been to their house for dinner with other couples, we are also in a poker group with them and another couple.
I know she is struggling with the idea that she had a relationship with who I was as a male (....) but not with Janelle. We have had lots of conversations about that, even my brother who is still struggling a little, but doing much better told her that he realized that I'm still the same person. I have the same likes and dislikes. he told her she has to want to have a relationship with Janelle.
Now the hurt, she has included My wife and I on every thing she would of before as a couple, so I thought we were doing better than this. She had a birthday last week so this last weekend. She had a birthday lunch for woman only and she invited my wife and not me. All the other guests were people that love and accept me and that my wife and I both know. My wife did not want to go a first but I told her that I didn't want to draw that line in the sand. It hurt way more than I thought it would. I think what she is saying is very clear. I think she is saying that she accepts me in her life every where my old self would fit in but not as a female. I know I have to have a conversation with her but I know she is only going to be very defensive. She is also the type of person that almost always like to argue the other side and more to the negative side of things. In her mind I think she thinks that every thing is fine but my feeling are hurt really bad. I'm not sure how to start that conversation. I could really use any advise.

[mikiSJ]

While we all want acceptance when we transition (and I am assuming you are), acceptance is received, not demanded. If this friend never accepts Janelle, it will be her loss - right!

[AllieSF]

Hi Janelle,

I think that just as you have had to learn to understand and deal with your true self, others need that same process and some time. I am not sure how long ago that you came out to her and others, but maybe all she needs is time. From my distant point of view, I would not make this exclusion from an important event the main topic of any future conversation. Giving her more time and the ability to eventually bring it up to you for discussion may be the better path over the long run. Maybe she struggled to make her decision. Maybe she was concerned what others may think, or not. By you taking the upper road and giving her a chance to get her mind around it all, you may find her one day apologizing for what she did, which to me is a kinder way to educating others because they get to think it through by themselves. Anyway, I think that you did the right thing and do hope that it is just a temporary obstacle in your relationship with her. Good luck and thanks for sharing the good with the bad.

[Rianna Humble]

Whilst not wanting to deny any of what the others have said, I do think that you owe it to your friend to let her know how much this hurt you; but whatever you do, please do not do it in front of other people if you can avoid it.

I have found that sometimes people do not realise how their actions can affect me and it could easily be the case with this friend. The way that I would broach the subject if it was me rather than you would be to open by confirming that I understand that she had the right to invite or exclude whoever she chose, but then say that it hurt because she doesn't seem to consider me a woman and I had hoped that she did. If she started playing devils advocate I would tell her that I don't want to debate it, but I felt because of her friendship she deserved to know how it had made me feel.

[MatildaJ.]

Great advice here. I think giving her some time to get to know Janelle would be helpful. When my husband dresses, he feels like the same person, but to me, I feel like I'm spending time with a new acquaintance.

[PaulaQ]

I would ask her why she didn't invite you, and let her answer. Perhaps her answer will be "OMG, I didn't think that you were a woman now, I'm sorry, this is hard for me!" Perhaps her answer will be "Well it was for women only, silly!"

Those two responses have very different conversations that follow them. I'd give her the benefit of explaining herself first before assuming the worst. (The worst is the more probable of the two, but you never know unless you ask for sure.) I would tell her your feelings were hurt - but I'd let her answer first, to minimize her defensiveness.


When my husband dresses, he feels like the same person, but to me, I feel like I'm spending time with a new acquaintance.

You are in some sense. I don't believe the line "you're the same person, you just look different now." I'm almost nothing like my old male self. It bothers my kids a lot and it bothers my old friends too. They don't feel they know me anymore - and they don't really. They don't understand where I live, my new found friends, nor my new relationships. They don't understand my politics, my spiritual beliefs, or even my hobbies. They don't understand my attitudes about life.

It isn't all their fault - I find it's hard to talk to them, because we don't have so much in common anymore. We have the past. I find I am drifting away from them. I can turn this around with my kids, I hope, to the extent we stay in one another's lives. But the truth is, all of them are having trouble seeing the man they loved disappear - and disappear rapidly. They aren't so interested in getting to know the new girl, or perhaps it's simply a fact that we won't like each other so much - I am a very different person. My job is the same - that's about it.

[Janelle_C]

Hi Janelle,

I think that just as you have had to learn to understand and deal with your true self, others need that same process and some time. I am not sure how long ago that you came out to her and others, but maybe all she needs is time.
I've been out since last June and I have been full time since the last part of last August. And I know I have had my whole life to deal with this and that I'm way ahead of where they are. But part of what hurts is that other people that have not known me as long have embraced this and are just so happy for me. I still love this person she is family to me and I know she loves me very much. Thanks for all of your impute on this it is very helpful. Janelle

[MatildaJ.]

Everyone's different, and their reactions are very personal. There's no scale that says that the more someone cares about you, the easier it is for them to accept these changes. In fact, sometimes the people who cared most for the old you have the hardest time accepting that that person (or persona) they loved is gone forever.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think Rianna gave you excellent advice.

You have a decision. Outside of the short term emotion, how much do you value this relationship? If you value it, you absolutely owe it to yourself to very simply make it clear how this felt to you. She has made it clear by her actions how she feels. Now its your turn..

you may have to accept that the chips will fall where they fall as like to say, but in an adult relationship that happens.

Also, let some time pass. It takes time and nothing you can say or do can change that.

[PaulaQ]

In general, the people that have known you longest will have the hardest time accepting your true self. They have a lot invested emotionally in the old you. It's hard to let that history go.

For example, my mother is, on the surface, very accepting. But she spends NO time learning about my gender issues. Understand that this woman will dig up newspaper articles on diabetes (a fairly minor problem for me at this point), and bring them to my attention. She's always been like that - kind of obsessive over my health. (Annoyingly so - I love her, she's awesome, but she doesn't really need to obsess over my health.) So something happens to me that is really dangerous and scary? You'd think she'd learn about that, right? Nope. Not one thing.

I think she'll get there - she's definitely trying, but hey, she's known me longer than anyone else, so this is tough on her.

[Dawn cd]

If she had invited you to a party "for women only" it would be like proclaiming—in front of all the others—that you are a woman. I know that you're hurting. But maybe she's not ready for it. It's a big step to go from merely "accepting" to "proclaiming."

[Starling]

Gender is something most (lucky) people take for granted, and it's only normal they should resist change in their concepts of female and male. That anyone accepts transsexuals is a bit of a miracle, given the horrible image that has been propagated in the media until quite lately, and it is a testament to human flexibility. But lots of folks, despite all their good will and sterling qualities, do not possess that particular attribute, and find it very difficult to rearrange the categories they have lived with quite comfortably for many years. Those people may never come around, and I think you're better off being as wary of them as they are of you. That way you don't necessarily burn any bridges, but you insulate yourself a bit from hurt.

:) Lallie

[KellyJameson]

Your words were painful to read. When you transition those you share your life with must either transition also or leave your life.

The transition for them is being hit full force with the implications of gender, which for most people largely goes unoticed through the course of the day.

Gender is like oxygen, where you don't notice "it" until it is missing.

Transsexuals are forced to live without gender until they transition so you are living without something that causes many forms of psychological suffering but at the same time keeps you from understanding the full affect of what transitioning really means, particularly in your relationships with others because we do not understand why people hold so tightly onto the gender binary.

We live outside the gender binary even though we suffer the consequences of it while having to work through our own personal hell of being in the wrong vessel for our spirit.

Our pain stops us from seeing the full ramifications of what will happen if we do something about this pain because we can never fully comprehend how invested cis-gendereds are in the gender binary (status quo)

When a person transitions they are attacking other peoples "reality" as what is and is not "truth"

Transitioning can cause an existential crisis in those touched by the person transitioning and why people become violent against transsexuals.

We are trying to escape our existential crisis but by doing so we cause it in others.

It is like being on a life raft in the middle of the ocean that is overloaded and to save the group, some must be sacrificed.

The only advice I can give is to try and fully understand why "some people" must believe in and support the gender binary as gender being something you are "born into" so for them gender is "your physical sex" which it is, except when it's not.

[Ann Louise]

I've been in transition for more than a year now, and out at work for around half of that. I'm feeling better and better, each day, and among the general public I don't perceive that I'm ever mistaken as a man (which I attribute to the combined effects of HRT, FFS and being a 60 year-old student of all things feminine). Still, at work, where i've been working for ten years, dozens of people knew me before, and hundreds more know OF me. No possibility of stealth there, for sure. I'm one of only three "out" transsexuals in a building of 1,000+ city workers.

One of my most cherished emotions is the warmth of the close working friendships i've established with many, many women who would not have even noticed me in the past, and with whom I now share a good cup of tea with, let alone the women's washroom, too. And while i'm still thin-skinned enough for mis-gendered "he's" and "him's" (never "sir" thank Goddess) to hurt, the pain caused by men saying those dreaded words doesn't compare with the stifling, muted stab that misgendering by other women causes within me when those words are uttered in my presence.

Janelle, I think I know what you felt like sitting home while the other girls were having that get-together. And in my opinion, your expression of longing and hurt at being excluded, rather than impulsively lashing out at being excluded, says more about you and the ongoing success of your transition than any listing of dates, surgeries, or life history leading up to your journey could do better.

Safeguard your softness and longing, as they are the expression of your long-imprisoned feminine heart, finally free. Seek out those in who's presence you can freely and safely expose your heart. They make the strongest friends. The remainder will either come along, or they won't. If they don't, they don't matter.

Ann

[Badtranny]

Well Janelle, you asked for advice so I'm giving it to you. Transition hurts like hell and that's pretty much the rule.

Do you really think that someone you've known for years is going to forget that you've been a man for as long as she's known you?

For some reason we all insist that everyone must not only accept us, but be right there with us on the journey. You've been full time for about a year now so it's time to get over yourself and give people time to get used to who you've become.

The only conversation you need to have with her is the one about thanking her for her honesty and respecting her feelings.

[Eryn]

I think that this issue would be best resolved privately over a cup of coffee with your friend. Tell her that something is bothering you that you'd like to talk about. She'll be concerned and ask what it is. Tell her, without drama, that you were hurt that she didn't invite you to the ladies lunch and ask her if there is a problem between the two of you. Then listen carefully to what she has to say. The problem may range from a simple omission, to a difficulty with your transition personally, to an objection by one of the other ladies. Whatever it is, it is better to know for sure than to be stewing in your own doubts about it. Once you know the reason you can decide where to go from there.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Paula =

The longer people know you are the ones who have the hardest time accepting you and your true self,

Wow i did not know that.

the ones who have accepted who i am as a person from 55 years ago are the ones who had total no issues with myself, they embraced me with out ? and others i have known and still do. in fact very few have rejected me .its most time s those with issues them selfs and they dont wont to work through them, and it had nothing at all to do with myself being intersexed,

And those i know we have a lot of history to gether, and some told me they were not surprised they know me better in some ways than i knew myself,

if i were inviting women to a get together i'd expect them to be female thats why im inviting them you see this is where its different your friend has or did invite only women , iv been in this position i know what its like i only think as a normal female .because of how i was born.

In this friendship you had that is history and you as ill use as = percived = i dont know how you were or are brain wired yet yet that friendship seems to be around you as a male, so is it any wonder she is having issues about this to tell the truth as a woman i would as well make no mistake on that, I have friends who are trans people and i have issues trying to talk with them, as i would talk normaly with another woman = female = im intune with females i cant talk about males or with them in the same way as a female, we dont relate with each i'v tryed to ,so i do understand where she is coming from

You may feel hurt and angry and yes you wont to talk about this, no doubt you will,,, can i sugest you write it off i know youll think why the hell should i, well i was with a large group of only women a member all female born. and was well recived and i was going to join another group out side our center, now all was well we spent time to gether, and i thought this will be lovely little did i know three women said if i came to our meetings they would walk out, so i thought what i'll do now so i talked the matter over with 3 other women i know and i said ill pull back and out now my other group of 6 of us were disapointed and thought why, i have an idear, then i thought id write a letter to explain why im different, then thought no not in this case, so i'v left it.

Now im really disapointed as id spent well over a year with our other group and we got on so well they know my history and being intersexed or an intersexed female, so you see even though im female i still encounter some who cant accept i am a woman. And it goes back towhat i said i have issues and detail with trans people im not rejecting them im struggeling with them the same as any normal women = female, plus not every one is able to just accept our difference's,

So give your friend some slack please before you drive her away. i dont know how sensitive you are, i know i am and i'v had to step back and just bide my time and sit it out, i wont say it's easy its really... DAM HARD.. yes it hurts,

And I'v learnt how to become a stronger woman through it all.

all the best.

...noeleena...