Venturing out:

[julietalyse]

Girls remaining in the closet is starting to bug me. My desire is to travel some, visit places of business (Shopping of course), eat at various restaurants, and just view the surroundings as a female. I am experiencing fear, excitement, and oh my god what will I find? So please respond someone, how was it for you to break out of the closet?

So far a few very controlled trips away from home. Many driving sessions while dressed. Soon to the makeover and more aggressive getting out. Next I will visit my wig salon again. I want this so much I am having trouble waiting until it happens.

[Adriana Moretti]

yea just like you..i am looking to TRAVEL more..like outta state kinda travel....heading outta state for the first time next month! Just like everyone has said in the past on the forum it gets easier over time...everyone was nervous at first. Breaking out was fun...go out, go dancing etc...there is only so much I could stay home dressed..after a while if you are comfortable with your lifestyle you get the urge to get out to the "real world".

[Michelle789]

I've gone out three times so far. My first two times were in a support group, so it was a safe environment around other trans people. My third time out was solo, and I did everything on your checklist, well except travel, I went around the local area. I went on a scenic drive (view surroundings), to Starbucks (strawberry frap), Barnes and Noble's (shopping), and Panera (eat dinner). I had fear of being clocked or mistreated, but my fears slowly diminished and I felt more confident by the end of the outing. Everyone tells me that it will get easier and I will get more confidence each time. I certainly look forward to more outings. I'm also starting to get the hang of using and carrying a purse. My current purse has two straps, one that I can put on my shoulder, and one that I can carry with my hand, so I have options on how to carry it.

Seriously I got sick and tired of staying in the closet. I got to a point where I needed to start posting on a forum, join a support group, and leave the house en femme. I really like having the option to go where I want, in or out of the house. That's true freedom. This forum has been of tremendous help to me. I gained insight onto what's going on inside my head, advice on shopping, wigs, and makeup, and the courage to finally step outside the closet.

Just remember to avoid obvious unsafe places. No bad neighborhoods or dark alleys - avoid places you wouldn't want your mother or daughter or sister to go to. Don't stay out too late at night, and always have a cell phone and emergency credit card on you.

Enjoy your outing and I look forward to hearing about it :)

[Lynn Marie]

CDs are getting together these days in record numbers. We go anywhere, any time. Of course it's wise to pick your venues, but mainstream restaurants, clubs catering to the gay and TG crowd, and shopping in non-mall environments are especially safe places for those of our ilk. Find a few friends, go out together, and start living free.

[Marcelle]

Hi Julie,

I started like most . . . Ninja Femme Drives followed by a few drive-thru tips. This finally built up to a walk across a parking lot then finally into a drug store in a strip mall. You will find as I did for the most part it is a non-event as people either notice and don't say a thing or they are just too busy to care about the guy in a dress. Of course you have to be wise on choice of venue when going out . . . crowded areas like malls or stores are best and family restaurants are better than bars. Last point, only you will know when it is time to open the closet door and break out and then you will go.

Good luck and keep us updated on your progress.

Hugs

Isha

[Krisi]

It's probably best to do this in steps. Drive around while dressed, then get out of the car to put trash in a trash can or to buy a soda from a machine, then pump gas using a credit card so you don't have to go inside. Then walk around the park or mall or city streets.

Once you get comfortable being a woman in public, it's time to start talking to people. Don't forget your purse.

[Connie D50]

Julie I like the aproch you have and I would say that my first makeover help me a lot, gave me a lot more confidents to go out. So set it up sooner then later then the more you go out the easier it gets. Good luck in our travels and HAVE FUN. Connie

[kimdl93]

This is among the most common questions asked here. We each have our own story, but the main impetus is always like your's....the desire to get out and experience life eventually overwhelms your fears. The fears don't go away...you just accept them and step out the door.

For me, stepping out was almost anti climactic. I expected much more adverse reaction than occurred (almost nothing) and I felt very comfortable in daylight venues like the mall, Starbucks, the grocery etc. The real feeling, others have used this term too, is liberating.

[BillieAnneJean]

I shaved off a long time beard one day and transformed for the first time. Never considered it before then. The next evening I was walking down the Main Street in a pastel pink double breasted coat, black heels, sheer black hose, wine colored dress, black purse, bling, and wig. Makeup and nails too. Went to a straight club and danced till they closed at 2:00am. Because it was such a whirlwind and happened so fast, and because I had two others with me, I was only terrified. After about five minutes and everyone ignoring me, it became better, more towards scary. After a few patrons gave me hugs and complimented me, it became FUN and exciting. Lots of fun! Still is but it feels more natural now.
So I have been returning the favor by facilitating the path for others.
There is a lot of joy doing that. Kind of like releasing a trapped butterfly from the spider's web and watching it fly.
Billie

[Jenniferathome]

We build up barriers and fears in our heads long before we leave the front door. I find that when out, I forget that I am dressed. It's easily stated yet hard to do: let it go. It will happen for you.

[Helen_Highwater]

There seem to be two schools of thought as to how to go about this. One says just go for it and hit the shops,bars and restaurants. The other says take baby steps, start with something like a drive around dressed, Krisi's reply talks about this approach.

Which one you choose is largely dependent upon the type of person you are and also the area in which you live. In a large city it's easy to be anonymous, smaller towns, well tongues may wag. If that doesn't bother you, all to the good.

For me it was baby steps, building my confidence bit by bit as I learned to relax and look the part, behave like I belonged. It's a road I'm still on. You'll know when to start yours.

[Beverley Sims]

Juliet,
I think you have a handle on it and are playing it right.
The small steps, the wig salon visit and controlled trips ar all in order.

[MsVal]

Those with thick skins, good self worth, and bit of a taste for adventure (me, maybe?) will simply go out there and "own" the situation.
Those that wish to be sure everything is in order, the risks are known, and managed (me, maybe?) will take baby steps.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Lillyasia]

Most of the fear is in your own mind. It's that self consciousness that prevents you from trying something with a potential of ridicule. Be confident and just go for it. When you are confident it shows and no one will bother you. If you are sneaking around hiding in corners and such, then people surely will notice you.

My first time was in a skirt and wig but no makeup. So I was definitely a guy in a dress and no one said a word. Well, my friendly SA's did compliment me on doing what makes me happy, but that was good words. I even sat in the makeup chair by the mall entrance to try makeup and still no one said a word. Not even the bunch of teenage girls who were playing with makeup and clearly saw me sitting there.

Tuesday I went to Costco to buy a caesar salad for dinner. The line was very slow and I stood there among everyone else with kids all around. We all know kids stare at anything unusual and not one said a word. I was wearing a skirt, heels, wig, and makeup. My point is people are too busy with their own life to worry about if that is a guy in a dress or not. People also come in all sizes and shapes. Be confident and know you can do it and nothing will happen. Good luck and let us know your progress.

[Lexi_83]

//Just remember to avoid obvious unsafe places. No bad neighborhoods or dark alleys - avoid places you wouldn't want your mother or daughter or sister to go to. Don't stay out too late at night, and always have a cell phone and emergency credit card on you.YMMV but I've had poor experiences at shopping malls. Too many teenagers around who have nothing better to do than harass you.

Like most, I went to Halloween parties first, support groups second, Isha's "Ninja" trips (LOL!) 3rd, then started going out with close friends. Telling them was harder than going out but unsurprisingly they were unsurprised....

[Nikki A.]

My first times out were to CD weekends at a local club. Then a lesbian wedding and a couple of support group parties. After that I'll go just about everywhere and I just enjoy myself. My favorite is going with a GG friend of mine shopping for jewelry and purses for her store, in NYC. This includes hopping on a commuter bus and spending the day shopping. I've been to restaurants, church and other places as Nikki and I feel totally comfortable doing it.

[Eryn]

My very first time out was with a CD group at a LGBT-friendly restaurant. I had a great time.

Very soon after that a CD friend invited us to go to Solvang (a tourist trap) with her and her spouse. Suddenly I was browsing the shops with hundreds of tourists around me. We shopped, dined, and went to see live theater. We had a wonderful time.

Many will recommend an LGBT club over mainstream venues, but I tend to prefer the mainstream.

At an LGBT club they expect to see TG people so you'll be made right away. You'll be accepted, but as a TG person.

In the mainstream, most people don't have the slightest clue what a CDer is. They think that we're all flamboyant drag queens. Those of us who dress appropriately for the situation aren't recognized as CDers by the average person and therefore aren't questioned at all. It would be the height of impoliteness to ask someone who is presenting female if they are "really a girl" so it's unlikely to happen. I'm probably marginal at 6'2" but I've never had a significant bad experience when out and about. I just hold my chin up and go have a good time. Strangers have asked about my height, but never my gender! :)

[JamieOH]

I am in no way passable. I can never get the shadow gone. Dont even try hard really. Sometimes I wear makeup sometimes I don't. I go to the store, grocery and clothing stores. I get gas, cigs, etc. Always dressed as I please. If I am working out of town amd have a long drive home I always dress forhe drive home. I want to feel pretty. I will put on a little makeup for that as many times I need to stop to pee and I always use the ladies room at rest areas. I haven't got a snicker or snide remark.

Sometimes I get called ma'am or miss(bless them for caring) sometimes like today I stopped for cigs and the guy says "I'm sorry we dont carry those bud" he did compliment me on my pretty necklace and said his wife would like it becauise she likes little small charms like that.

I smiled thanked him and went on. He smiled back. No problems. Now it might be that I am kinda a strong guy and it shows a bit in my arms, but I like to think people are decent for the most part.

[Kays_Heels]

Funny you should say that Lexi_83, my most experience of a shopping mall exactly! - its the youngsters that noticed my heels in drab but once set on a course I just had to continue and trust that they would lose interest.....! I am not remotely passable hence the mix in drab so must lose some (a lot) of the excess baggage to give me a chance of venturing out with credibility. I hope by that stage my wife might help although we have a mutual gay friend whose presents as 'Candy' on stage so will lend a helping hand and give confidence.

[samantha rogers]

Honey I have been out just once, to a club in Grand Rapids with BillieAnneJean holding my hnd the whole way (angel that she is), but now that the horse is out of the barn (no snarky comments, please!...LOL) I cannot wait to get out again. It is such a wonderful feeling to be free finally! :-)

[Babbs]

I have gone out once. Last week. It was great. went 50 miles from home so no one would recognize me. Went to a gay bar i heard has cd'ers go to. They were very accepting. Safe ...but I got out!

[HannahF6]

For me, venturing out the first time was through a professional makeover followed by a supervised trip out in Vancouver. That single trip made it so clear that very, very few people are interested in us. It really is a safe thing to do. That said, this topic has been discussed a lot on this board and a few things are worth remembering.
1) Going out for a walk at 2 am may sound safer than 2 pm, but it isn't. A woman walking alone in the dead of night is unusual and attracts attention.
2) Going for a late night drive en femme does lead to the risk of being stopped by police in a drunk-driver check. In fact they are very professional and will pretend not to notice that you are a guy in a dress, but it does set the heart racing.
3) Busy places are full of people and once you get the nerve to do it you quickly discover that a busy shopping mall is extremely anonymous. You will just be seen as another woman, just like the other 2000 or 3000.
4) Dress appropriate to your age, an elderly woman in a mini-skirt will attract unwanted attention in public, perhaps not in a bar or dance club.

Hannah

[dana digs sweaters]

So please respond someone, how was it for you to break out of the closet?

All the preparations I did to be out while crossdressed. Out on my own at 18 & going to a Tri-Ess meeting. Having 100% of my own clothes to wear. Buying falsies thru the mail from Penny's. Buying heels at a plus woman store while in drab to make sure they fit properly. Buying a wig from a wig store that was very friendly to the TG set. Buying makeup while in drab too. Had mucha plenty makeup practice while young with my sisters.
Putting my hand on the doorknob to the garage to get in my car to know that "Hey world, I am about to go out completely dressed as a woman."
Did my hand shake as I twisted the doorknob? You betcha.
Out to fool anybody that I was a woman? Nope.
Just me to be out to find out what it was like to be dolled up without it being Halloween or a high school "Powder Puff" game.
What a surprise it was to find out about the tip of the iceberg at that meeting with 80 members there.
Very glad to turn that doorknob at home.

[julietalyse]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for your insight, your opinions, and your interest. Your words have been helpful.

Julietalyse

[MelissaMeyers]

I am about to take the plunge and go out for the first time. With my female friend. She suggested we go to a gay club the first time just to have piece of mind in that enviroment.

Is this a good or bad idea. I think it might be a good idea.

[Suzanne F]

Julie
I went about 10 months ago for the first time. I also live in Northern Califormia. I now am out on a weekly basis. You can get in your car and drive to SF anytime you are ready. I meet girls from this site and we love being out in the mainstream in the city. Sure you will be nervous but that will gradually fade. Let me know if you need any help!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Josette_Laroc]

My wife would kill me if she knew that I've ventured out of our home en femme.

That said, I have a number of times. I used to work very irregular hours. I was able to walk down the hallways of our apartment building during the daytime almost freely and dropped our trash in the trash chute. I never came across anyone in those ventures.
We have moved since to a smaller town and occupy a side-by-side duplex a few miles out of the nearest town. I have ventured a gas station super late at night and filled the gas tank on my car a few times, and have ventured to a local RedBox a few times as well.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie, Only you have the key to unlock your chains.

[Alison M]

Hi girls ,Im only new to this forum and I just had to share my excitement, as I have just returned from my first time going outside dressed en femm. it was only a short walk down the street and back but it felt so wonderful !! it is going to take me a while to work up the courage to go to a bar or nightclub ,but one step at a time , and don't those steps sound wonderful in heels ! xx