Not ready yet

[GabbiSophia]

So after my admitting and thinking I accepted being a transsexual i asked for a letter for hrt. I sat on this for 4 days before I contacted my therapist andchanged my mind and asked for help getting aanxiety medicine. I realize I am not done fighting yet or maybe I really I have not truely excepted that I am a transexual. This part is so confusing I feel like I am a failure if i start the hrt, which I want to do but seem not able to do. I still have things in my life I want to keep.

I just feel like there is another way, another answer or something. I have moments in the day that Ithink about nothing more than transitioning and other times I just want nothing to do with it. Even if i were to get a letter today I would not have them for some time and i would probably talk myself out of them.

I guess I am not rdy and that upsets me though the thought of being on hormones makes me mad.

I hate being this way ... sheeesh...

[Donna Joanne]

Steph,

In my uneducated and non professional opinion, I think you are doing the right thing for you. Your body chemistry and hormonal balance are too important to change unless you are sure transition is what you want to do. Get your emotions under control and then proceed with your HRT if you still want to. Stay in therapy, and know you are in my prayers and thoughts.

Long Distance Hugs to you.

[PaulaQ]

Hi hon, no you have not accepted your transsexuality.

I have taken, and still take, anti-anxiety meds. They did very little for me. What turned my life around? Estrogen.

I realized several things about myself that led me to transition:
1. I am powerless over my gender.
2. My disease - what didn't work about my life - wasn't my desire to be a woman. My disease was pretending to be a man and suppressing my gender.
3. I tried to bargain with this - I hoped to find an easier, softer way that let me keep my life intact. But I found that half measures availed me nothing.

I simply had to transition, or I would die.

[Jorja]

You have to do what you have to do. You feel you have not exhausted the inner fight as yet, so fight on. Only time will tell which way you go. Keep talking and working with it. You will come to a conclusion.

[LeaP]

Don't worry so much about success or failure. The path tends to be self-correcting. Very few go on to HRT when the decision point comes, even fewer stay on it, and a very few of those transition. The magnitude of the implications winds up overriding the driving factors for the non-TS.

[JohnH]

If M2F HRT is not right for you, you will not like the effects and feelings of the medication, and you would want to stop. If you start HRT and you hate the effects, you can stop before permanent effects take place.

However, in my case it was the best thing I have done in a very long time.

I am a lot happier and I don't have the attention deficit I used to have. In fact my wife has told me she greatly prefers me on HRT.

Johanna

[stefan37]

The time will be right when it is right. You will know. Antianxiety meds will reduce the anxiety but will do nothing to treat the underlying cause of the anxiety. Once I understood where my anxiety was coming from, I had to get hormones to see if they helped. My anxiety was obliterated in 3 days. The need for antianxiety med disappeared and I haven't looked back. And no it had not all been candy and roses.

Do what you can to survive, and fight for as long as you can. Remember fighting transition and transitioning are personal experiences that take place in their own time at its own pace.

[GabbiSophia]

Lea that's the best thing I have heard yet. Though I am curious if the constant wondering is due to gd or just ocd. I mean Sheesh it never ends the constant "something" I just can't put my finger on it. I swear one minute I am perfectly fine and the next anxiety. Lea I tying not to worry about but when you think about something so much it kinda takes over. Also why the hell does my anxiety go through the roof when I see pretty woman.

They say life is a journey... hmmm more like a a pot hole filled journey imo..

[steph1964]

I got the letter from my therapist but it took me a while before I gave it to my doctor. I kept fighting because I had so much to lose and I didn't see many positives in transitioning. I also knew that HRT meant the end of my marriage. I had been on antidepressants but they didn't change anything and I reached the point where I couldn't not transition. I started HRT and within 10 days I felt the best I ever remember feeling. Whether it was the hormones or a placebo effect I don't know but it had done what anti depressants hadn't.

I felt so good after 10 days that I quit HRT. I decided to fight more. My therapist equated this to someone who is bipolar feeling better and stopping their meds. But it didn't last long and I very quickly hit bottom again. That was the confirmation I needed that transitioning was the only option.

Because I fought so hard not to transition I know that I had no choice. I was not left wondering if there was something else that I could have done. I am at peace with my decision and have never had second thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with fighting it. If you need to transition you will get there and know that it was the right decision.

[LeaP]

GD and OCD can be related in some people. My therapist evaluated me for this before anything else (as she told me much later) because I presented with it so strongly. It disappeared with antidepressants and hormones. You need someone who really knows what they're doing to work through that sort of issue with you.