Am I strong enough to transition?

[alisa63]

This is the question that I am finding difficult to answer. I have wished my entire life to be a woman but have always taken the easy way out and filled the typical male role society expects. But now, I am at the crossroads. Been seeing a gender counselor who is ready to write "the letter" for hormones. My employer pays for hormones and ultimately SRS. It's a real possibility at this point. But on the other hand I have so much "to lose ." My wife and maybe my kids. Will I pass? My ability to go out in public easily, without having people wonder if I am suppose to be male or female. My desire to physically become the woman I have always felt like on the inside is so strong I can't imagine not going for it but the pain on the road ahead paralyzes me with fear.

[Jorja]

I would assume you are healthy but you know what happens when one assumes. It is not a matter of being strong enough. How strong is your need to be a woman? If that is all that matters in your life, if you find there are no other options, you will do fine. If there is any reservation, you need reconsider and explore yourself some more.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

when you feel the way you do (and many of us have been there) ...the answer is to take your like day by day.

Taking hormones is not transitioning. Keep your thoughts in house...your wife and therapist know...anyone else??

If you are going to transition, events, feelings and desperation will conspire to eliminate your fears..and that will be that...

[LeaP]

...events, feelings and desperation will conspire to eliminate your fears..and that will be that...

So well put ...

What was terrifying can become plausible, possible, the best option, then a certainty. Fear can flare at any time, of course, but tends to become more about the next step than the distant unknown.

[emma5410]

It is not an easy path. Many of us walk it because we have no other option. I have struggled badly in my year or so of being full time. If I could have gone back I might at done at various points but I could not. Is all the pain and trouble worth it? For me, the answer is a definite yes.
If you really need to do it you will find the strength. It has been a constant surprise to me that I have always found the strength to do what needs to be done.

[PaulaQ]

You won't know until you try. None of us do.

[KaylaK]

I'm in the same place as you. I feel like it's something that I really need but I love my wife and don't want to lose her. I think I'd also have to give up a lot in the male dominated profession that I'm in too. It's a really scary place to be. Let me know if you want to talk sometime.

[PaulaQ]

@KaylaK - the horrible truth is you have to be prepared to lose it all. I lost my wife. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have friends who've lost their wives, family members, and their entire careers.

As horrible as all of that sounds - and it is really horrible - I'd have to ask you, what good is an amazing, but fake, life? I had so much - but what did it matter if at the end of the day, I simply wanted nothing more than to die?

[Rianna Humble]

Alisa and Kayla, at the risk of sounding harsh, neither of you is at the place where you need to transition.

If consideration for your wife and children outweighs the need to be congruent, then to transition would in my not so humble opinion be a recipe for disaster.

I will tell you what several of us have told many other people in this forum: Do not transition unless you absolutely need to, but if you do need to transition, don't let anything get in your way.

Please understand, I am not denying the Gender Dysphoria that you have expressed, but in my experience, to transition successfully, you need to be focussed first and foremost on achieving the result of being true to your real gender.

[Jorja]

:yt: Well said Rianna!

[alisa63]

I respect you opinion and can't say that I don't agree with it but isn't it normal for trans women to begin transition with factoring in all the pros and cons of the decision? I'm not necessarily saying that my my wife outweighs my desire to be congruent. Rather, I am coming to accept what I will lose when I proceed. I can't imagine making such a major life move without considering all aspects.

[Donna Joanne]

Along with what Rianna said, my therapy has helped me to understand that I am Donna, and transition will only change my outward appearance. My personal transition will be complete when the two (inner and outer) match. I don't know at this point how long it will take me to realize this goal, but I do know that I will someday. I am female already, but the addition of female hormones and the loss of male hormones will make me feel much better physically. I am preparing my children for this at a very slow pace. I want to try and make them understand that I am and always will be the same person that has loved them from the first moment I laid eyes on them. Is it going to be easy? Probably not. But I cannot not transition because of my wife, children or anyone else. No one transitions for anyone but THEMSELVES! It may sound selfish to some, but it is the truth. Good luck on your decisions.

[LeaP]

... isn't it normal for trans women to begin transition with factoring in all the pros and cons of the decision?

Sure - right up until you realize that it's utterly irrelevant.

[KellyJameson]

"IF" you are transsexual you will be compelled to transition until you transition. It is a question of how long you can go against your own mind. Your own "being" Your own "knowing"

It is the experience of living an internal war with yourself that never stops

This is at it's heart what identity is all about.

Transitioning is risking death on many different levels and in many different ways and it does not stop post-op because you are tethered to hormones for the remainder of your life even though in reduced dosages. The science is very contradictory about the actual long term danger of this.

There is also other "maintenance" aspects of it that a surgeon will explain.

After transitioning your life will not become easier because life is after all difficult but the landscape changes.

You risk everything to gain the one thing you "need".

In my opinion it is good to be pragmatic to the degree you can be under the circumstances if for no other reason this will insure you are actually "a woman" because apparently there are many other reasons people take hormones and go under the knife other than this one.

Watch for fantasies and delusional thinking in your own concept of what transitioning means for you.

All of your decisions must be "reality based" and "worse case scenario", i.e you may never "pass" to "all people" or " any"

It must be only for you done out of an "act of love" for yourself. NOT out of self loathing because of what has been "done to you" in the past such as being a victim of Misandry, Daddy abandonment, Mommy Hate (munchausen syndrome by proxy), Narcissism, Sexual Abuse, Neglect, ect

Any childhood issues must be addressed to clear the air of any other influences other than "identity"

If identity is not the driving force behind transitioning you will destroy your life and body.

It is not wanting to become a woman but already being a woman in a vessel that is opposed to who you are "separate from all of society"

Transitioning is not done for when you are only "on stage"

It is an extremely personal experience independent of "all people " and has nothing to do with clothes, makeup, being pretty, ect..

It is not superficial as SOCIAL but PRIMAL as what you KNOW yourself to be without question.

If you do not have that KNOWING, don't transition.

[celeste26]

Alisa what it takes is courage. There is a process, and it takes awhile. There are things to do that really need to be done early on like electrolysis. After you get "the letter" find some gg woman's group and join it. Not announcing your trans but just one more woman who is part of the group. Learn how women treat other women, observe and copy. "BE A woman." Relax into the role.

Before too long you will be so much a woman others will just assume you are one. Taking it slow some people will just never see the transformation, just something different but cant put a finger on it.

Wife and family will notice and see a person who is happier and better adjusted. You will be giving them the greatest opportunity to adjust to your new role and still it is possible that they might reject you. But also the greatest opportunity to accept you.

What really takes courage btw is giving up on this dream and remaining where you are at this moment. Knowing that you could have had it all without all the regrets that come.

[Michelle789]

"IF" you are transsexual you will be compelled to transition until you transition. It is a question of how long you can go against your own mind. Your own "being" Your own "knowing"

Yes, but most of us fight it tooth and nail. Most of us run away from transition by getting married and manning up. Some of us avoid getting married because we're afraid of doing anything that goes against our own nature.



It must be only for you done out of an "act of love" for yourself. NOT out of self loathing because of what has been "done to you" in the past such as being a victim of Misandry, Daddy abandonment, Mommy Hate (munchausen syndrome by proxy), Narcissism, Sexual Abuse, Neglect, ect

Any childhood issues must be addressed to clear the air of any other influences other than "identity"



This is why understanding childhood dysphoria is so important. Children at young ages know their own gender identity, and at that age it is most likely that you have not yet accrued any baggage, such as misandry, family, bullies, sexual abuse, and the like, that could cloud your judgement. These other issues could also trigger the existing underlying dysphoria.

[Angela Campbell]

For me the question was...am I strong enough or brave enough not to transition?

I guess I wasn't.

[bas1985]

moreover it's not useless to remind that life is finite (at least in the form of this body). So... I think that there is simply no time to be 100% sure that I am transsexual, what I can achieve is a 100% confidence that I am not blatantly deluding myself, but... who knows the real truth?

This is the scope of the gender therapist, to remove some strong evidence that the person is in the dream of being TS, but of course pure 100% security is impossible, but this is also the beauty of the journey and the difference of the outcomes.

[Kathryn Martin]

Does your wife know what you have been doing? Have you told her that your counselor is prepared to write the letter. Has she been part of your decision making? Or will this all be a huge surprise.


Are you strong enough to transition? What kind of a question is that? Do you believe that transitioning is some kind of melodramatic act of heroism?


Transition is not something you "go for" like a bunjee jump or skydiving and if you have any questions about pain, oh dear, you will be in a world of hurt and you should absolutely be paralyzed. When I read your post all I see is someone flirting with the idea of a step forward because it sounds fancy and daring. What transition really is, is getting into the down and dirty, it the opposite of glamorous and has nothing to do with anything other than being who you are not something you become. Women are not made.

[alisa63]

Kathryn

You've made a large number of assumptions about me based upon your interpretation of my post. Most if these accusations are frankly not true. Fortunately I am in a good place with regards to figuring out my gender otherwise your post would've been quite upsetting. It really is amazing how I get so many responses to my post, most of which are thought provoking and have given me some good insight. But then, there was yours. Your opinion is neither supportive, productive or helpful in any way. All it has accomplished however, is to provide you with the opportunity to get on your soapbox and preach.

[Nigella]

Alisa

Take the time to read some of Kathryn's posts, she does not "preach from her soapbox". She has not breached any forum rules or etiquette, so maybe you should get off your soapbox and read what has been said.


Am I strong enough to transition?



This is the question that I am finding difficult to answer. I have wished my entire life to be a woman but have always taken the easy way out and filled the typical male role society expects. But now, I am at the crossroads. Been seeing a gender counselor who is ready to write "the letter" for hormones. My employer pays for hormones and ultimately SRS. It's a real possibility at this point. But on the other hand I have so much "to lose ." My wife and maybe my kids. Will I pass? My ability to go out in public easily, without having people wonder if I am suppose to be male or female. My desire to physically become the woman I have always felt like on the inside is so strong I can't imagine not going for it but the pain on the road ahead paralyzes me with fear


Does your wife know what you have been doing? Have you told her that your counselor is prepared to write the letter. Has she been part of your decision making? Or will this all be a huge surprise.


Are you strong enough to transition? What kind of a question is that? Do you believe that transitioning is some kind of melodramatic act of heroism?


Transition is not something you "go for" like a bunjee jump or skydiving and if you have any questions about pain, oh dear, you will be in a world of hurt and you should absolutely be paralyzed. When I read your post all I see is someone flirting with the idea of a step forward because it sounds fancy and daring. What transition really is, is getting into the down and dirty, it the opposite of glamorous and has nothing to do with anything other than being who you are not something you become. Women are not made.

There was no need to be rude, you always have the option to ignore a post if it does not "fit in with you". What you don't have is the option to be as rude as you were

[Krisi]

"Am I strong enough to transition?"

I think if you have to ask strangers on the Internet, the answer is "no".

This is something you can't take back. It's the most important thing you'll ever do in your life. More important than selecting a career, more important than choosing a mate, more important than choosing to have children.

You are seeing a professional. If necessary, see another. You have to make this decision on your own.

[Dianne S]

The pain on the road ahead paralyzes me with fear.

I also am very afraid. But I've come to the realization that I have to do this. I am 47 years old and I cannot imagine living for 20-30-40 or however many years I have left as a male. It would destroy my soul.

[LeaP]

Take the advice to stay rooted in reality to heart. Kelly and Kathryn are both speaking to this in their own way, as was I. When I said the pros and cons were irrelevant, I did not mean that one ignores them. Quite the contrary. I went through a long period of horrible self and situational analysis. I get beat up (in our forum's helpful and friendly way, of course) all of the time for serial overanalysis. Over time, I came to appreciate what I could and could not realistically accomplish. Some were a bit better than I thought, some not. But that isn't what makes the decision!

Every step carries its own fears, and they are not the type of fears you are describing. There comes a point when you hold your breath, close your eyes, and take the step, no looking back… or not. LOL! A funny thing happens after you take the step when you were ready to do so. And that is that the fear vanishes and you feel like you have stepped into a new reality. Soon thereafter, what was new is familiar as if nothing had changed! Here's why: because in a very real way nothing has changed. That should give you pause to think.

None of this is an invitation to forge ahead and see if it works that way for you. It is a matter of searching your soul to know if you have reached that point or not.

Fear can be symptomatic of trying to hold on to who and what you are now. It's protecting you from doing something inappropriate if you are not transsexual. And it is holding back if you are. Whether you are transsexual or not, the level and type of fear that you are describing says to me that your sense of self and gender (despite your statement) is not sufficiently established to move on.

Your writing indicates you are NOT ready for hormones. That's not because of the fear you have - virtually everyone does - but because you are engaged in wishful thinking about having it all. You convey mixed messages. That's okay – that is where you are. Shorten your vision to what you can do now: therapy, experimentation, and simply giving yourself more time.

[I Am Paula]

When the moment of absolute clarity hits, and you have no doubt that this is something you must do, then you are strong enough. Don't worry about WTF moments, we all have those, I'm talking about serious doubt. You will know when your time has come, if it comes.