StephanieC
03-15-2014, 02:25 PM
I rarely post anything, certainly nothing of length and rarely of major weight. This could be my longest post to-date.
This account is written for new girls, girls who are newly out, or even those considering moving from the shadows to the light.
I've been in the community for about two years (in May). I have never run into a "bad situation", and it's been a long time since I was nervous in a public setting. I consider myself lucky to have support for multiple groups and people, both at work and in the community.
On Wednesday, I was meeting a group of about twenty friends for dinner at 7pm. I left the house with plenty of time but I wanted to avoid traffic on the expressway so I took a little divided parkway that went past the lake. Since I was running early, I pulled over and parked to touch up my makeup. Things were fine until I saw a police car pass me going the opposite direction and I noticed him turn around and drive past me. I drove a bit down the road and turned on his lights...that caught my attention as there was no car in front of him (it was not a speeder or car in trouble). I continued with what I was doing but kept my eye on the cop. After awhile, he drove down the road and I thought he was gone. Minutes later, I saw him again drive past me in the opposite direction, turn around, and again pull around me....stopping a few cars down. Oh crap...now I was worried. Thoughts began to run through my head: what could I have done that could have attracted attention...there was nothing I could recall. At that point, tons of things run through your head. I was concerned. And it was made worse because I noticed the squad car was parked some distance from the curb...lots of cars had to slow and switch lanes to get around him. I was convinced he was waiting for me to drive past (it was a boulevard so I could not turn around without driving past him). By this time, it was getting darker and getting close to 7 (the start of dinner). Still, the squad did not move. And he did not have any emergency lights on. At one point, he backed up, still maintaining a clear line-of-sight to me. I was convinced he was either looking at me or filming me. (Yes...filming...it was my imagination run wild.) I tried to look nonchalant by pulling out a magazine to read...intending to wait him out. "I'm just an ordinary person legally parked alongside the road...not a tranny". However, my fear increased. Before long, it was dark and I was now 30 min for the dinner. I decided to use my cell phone to call people at the dinner...and found I really didn't have any cell numbers for any of them. I tried to call 411 for the numbers but had trouble remembering the name and for those I new, there were no phone listings found. I tried the number of the local LGBT center: not listed. In despiration, I called the restaurant, hoping they could relay the call...however, it went to a phone behind the bar and they couldn't or wouldn't retrieve any of my friends. Just then, I noticed two cars simultaneously pull in behind me. It was now dark and my fear was growing. The car behind me kept lights on and I was convinced he was running my license. But after 15 minutes, both cars drove off (neither were marked police cars). By now, it was quite dark, I was hopelessly late for dinner, and I was having trouble feigning nonchalance. I was now growing indignant at having been hassled by the police...why were they doing this? At that point, I pulled myself together and decided to take the police car on proactively. I pulled on my coat...in case he would ask me to get out of the car...check for id....I even retrieved that "carry letter" from so long ago that I hadn't even seen for over a year. I started the car and moved it about 40 feet down the road and parked in back of the police car. I was determined to face him square on.
At that point, a series of events happened, almost simultaneously. As I pulled up, the police officer got out of the car and walked to the boulevard divider. And I noticed out of the corner of my eye that a city truck has pulled up...apparently a salt truck. At the moment, I realized that the cop was not laying in wait for me to pass...he wasn't even aware of me. He had noticed a patch of ice and was trying to block cars from hitting that section of the road...especially since it was getting dark. Crap...I'm such a fool. I quickly drove between the two vehicles, checking my rear-view mirror, and continued on my wait. I was convinced I had now missed my friends entirely.
As it turns out, I got to the restaurant as people were finishing. But some others had also been late so most people were still there. I had a great time catching up with people...and even got something to eat.
So...lessons learned?
1. I'm truly alone. Maybe I can enter some of those numbers in my cell phone, but I really have to deal with whatever I encounter
2. What I imagined was way worse than reality. I had no prior experience to even cause me to have rational fears. Most people are mostly concerned with their own elives anyway.
3. Either I am or I am not. And there is a good chance truly bad things WILL happen in the future and I have to be prepared to face that possibility.
My advice to new girls:
1. "Own it"...my hairdresser used to tell me that. Go out there and act like you were born that way. Ignore the fear
2. Assume people are good...most will either be good, will be tolerant, or will at worse ignore you.
Regards to all
-stephani
This account is written for new girls, girls who are newly out, or even those considering moving from the shadows to the light.
I've been in the community for about two years (in May). I have never run into a "bad situation", and it's been a long time since I was nervous in a public setting. I consider myself lucky to have support for multiple groups and people, both at work and in the community.
On Wednesday, I was meeting a group of about twenty friends for dinner at 7pm. I left the house with plenty of time but I wanted to avoid traffic on the expressway so I took a little divided parkway that went past the lake. Since I was running early, I pulled over and parked to touch up my makeup. Things were fine until I saw a police car pass me going the opposite direction and I noticed him turn around and drive past me. I drove a bit down the road and turned on his lights...that caught my attention as there was no car in front of him (it was not a speeder or car in trouble). I continued with what I was doing but kept my eye on the cop. After awhile, he drove down the road and I thought he was gone. Minutes later, I saw him again drive past me in the opposite direction, turn around, and again pull around me....stopping a few cars down. Oh crap...now I was worried. Thoughts began to run through my head: what could I have done that could have attracted attention...there was nothing I could recall. At that point, tons of things run through your head. I was concerned. And it was made worse because I noticed the squad car was parked some distance from the curb...lots of cars had to slow and switch lanes to get around him. I was convinced he was waiting for me to drive past (it was a boulevard so I could not turn around without driving past him). By this time, it was getting darker and getting close to 7 (the start of dinner). Still, the squad did not move. And he did not have any emergency lights on. At one point, he backed up, still maintaining a clear line-of-sight to me. I was convinced he was either looking at me or filming me. (Yes...filming...it was my imagination run wild.) I tried to look nonchalant by pulling out a magazine to read...intending to wait him out. "I'm just an ordinary person legally parked alongside the road...not a tranny". However, my fear increased. Before long, it was dark and I was now 30 min for the dinner. I decided to use my cell phone to call people at the dinner...and found I really didn't have any cell numbers for any of them. I tried to call 411 for the numbers but had trouble remembering the name and for those I new, there were no phone listings found. I tried the number of the local LGBT center: not listed. In despiration, I called the restaurant, hoping they could relay the call...however, it went to a phone behind the bar and they couldn't or wouldn't retrieve any of my friends. Just then, I noticed two cars simultaneously pull in behind me. It was now dark and my fear was growing. The car behind me kept lights on and I was convinced he was running my license. But after 15 minutes, both cars drove off (neither were marked police cars). By now, it was quite dark, I was hopelessly late for dinner, and I was having trouble feigning nonchalance. I was now growing indignant at having been hassled by the police...why were they doing this? At that point, I pulled myself together and decided to take the police car on proactively. I pulled on my coat...in case he would ask me to get out of the car...check for id....I even retrieved that "carry letter" from so long ago that I hadn't even seen for over a year. I started the car and moved it about 40 feet down the road and parked in back of the police car. I was determined to face him square on.
At that point, a series of events happened, almost simultaneously. As I pulled up, the police officer got out of the car and walked to the boulevard divider. And I noticed out of the corner of my eye that a city truck has pulled up...apparently a salt truck. At the moment, I realized that the cop was not laying in wait for me to pass...he wasn't even aware of me. He had noticed a patch of ice and was trying to block cars from hitting that section of the road...especially since it was getting dark. Crap...I'm such a fool. I quickly drove between the two vehicles, checking my rear-view mirror, and continued on my wait. I was convinced I had now missed my friends entirely.
As it turns out, I got to the restaurant as people were finishing. But some others had also been late so most people were still there. I had a great time catching up with people...and even got something to eat.
So...lessons learned?
1. I'm truly alone. Maybe I can enter some of those numbers in my cell phone, but I really have to deal with whatever I encounter
2. What I imagined was way worse than reality. I had no prior experience to even cause me to have rational fears. Most people are mostly concerned with their own elives anyway.
3. Either I am or I am not. And there is a good chance truly bad things WILL happen in the future and I have to be prepared to face that possibility.
My advice to new girls:
1. "Own it"...my hairdresser used to tell me that. Go out there and act like you were born that way. Ignore the fear
2. Assume people are good...most will either be good, will be tolerant, or will at worse ignore you.
Regards to all
-stephani