Busted.

[kaylyn]

My mom came over to my place today and wanted to stay the night. I'm a college student and she doesn't get to see me often. When she went to my bathroom she found my makeup. She asked me about it and I said it was my girlfriends. She bought it. Then she said she wanted to help me do laundry and I told her not to worry about it. She says okay. After a while of just chilling she says she wants to go get pizza. I decide to go and get it while she showers. When I get back she has all if my bras, panties, breast forms, and other female clothing laid out on the floor. When I try to start talking to her she got up and stormed out. How can I patch things up with my mother? Any advice would be nice.

[Suzanne F]

Kaylyn
First of all take a deep breath. She did not find a dead body. I think it may be necessary to tell her the truth if you know what it is. You might want to find a gender therapist who can help you talk to your mother. Please don't feel alone, many of us have faced loved ones who were not happy with us. Give her a little time to cool down and she will probably have some questions for you. There will be a lot of other women here that will have good advice for you. Don't get too down and try to be calm. You can PM me anytime that you need!
Hugs
Suzanne

[GenieGirl]

All I can say is you really are busted. Tell her the truth and tell her why you do what you do and let her understand it's just something you are born with. ( Unless shes super religious then she might not understand sorry) The most important thing you must do is not feel ashamed or like you have done nothing wrong because you haven't Kaylyn. If she can't accept her son for who he is then that is her own problem and you should not feel guilty about it. If my mom confronted me now about it I'd tell her the truth and if she couldn't handle it then that would be on her, same would go with any of my friends. I say this now that I am more open and confident with who I am. When I was 17 and she found some girl pics of me it was a different story....um I was bored so I thought I'd play around and dress up like a girl.... Good luck and remember no matter what a mom will always love her kids wether she understands it or not. Hope things go well for you Kaylyn. Feel free to PM me for any sort of support.

Ginger

[Rachelakld]

I would also recommend trying to have an honest chat to her, but she may also need time to process things before she wants to listen, or she might never want the issue brought up (sorry everyone is different, and a lot of people still associate it with prostitution).

[ClaraKent]

Hey you,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I wish it had some advice like the others do but I wouldn't know what to do in that situation. I remember my first time shaving my legs and my dad practically broke the lock on the bathroom and caught me. He's still never accepted what I told him and since it's been six years he has likely forgotten. I couldn't imagine my mothers response... Either way if you need an ear to listen hun i am sure plenty of us are willing. Pm me if you need to vent

[Michelle789]

I would suggest that both you and your mom go to see a gender specialist. Since you're thinking of transitioning it's going to be necessary for you to see a therapist. Since you're thinking of going full-time you would have to come out to your mom anyways, and she might very well benefit from a therapist, especially since you're going to become her daughter. A therapist will help her to understand who you really are and that this is not going way and that you're not a pervert or a freak.

I'm sorry to hear that your mom had to find out this way. I understand that it sucks when someone has to find out accidentally. Even if we inevitably have to come out we'd rather come out on our own terms and own time than to have mom or anyone else find out by going through our stuff or seeing an online post.

As far as your mom laying out all your female stuff on the floor, I hate to say it, but it is in her (and most mothers') nature to go into your closet and try to arrange your clothes nicely. She probably was just going to re-arrange your clothes nicely and discovered your female clothes and forms and other stuff too.

I remember the last time my mom came to visit me, which was years ago, I hid all my female stuff in a box well hidden behind everything else so it would be incredibly difficult for her to find. Not something I would want to go through on a regular basis.

At this point I may have no choice to tell my mom the truth eventually. Since I'm thinking of transitioning too, I will have to tell her the truth. I believe the deeper the gender issues, and the more frequent the need to cross-dress, the more likely you'll have to come out of the closet especially to your family. A TS who transitions will have no choice but to come out to everyone including family.

[Stephanie47]

You're going to have to level with your mother. If she cannot sit down and have a civil discussion, then there's nothing you can do about it. Only you have sufficient background with her to gauge how she will ultimately view any form of transgender behavior. Of course, if she ran home to your father (assuming one is in the picture) you may have compounded your trouble. Be prepared for the worst, and, hope for the best.

I know my parents suspected something was going on with me during my teen years. If my parents had been able to confirm any "abnormal" behavior, they would have beat the crap out of me. I'm talking about the early to mid 1960's. At least now you have a fighting chance of gaining some acceptance.

[Persephone]

So sorry to hear about what happened to you, Kaylyn. Like others have said, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, do it a couple of times.

You are O.K., you're just going to have to go through a period of working this out with your mom.

If you need to talk, lots of us are here for you. Feel free to private message me if I can be of any help.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Keri L]

Dear Kalyn,

All I can add is that many times our loved ones can surprise us with their love and understanding. Time to test that and be honest with your mom. Good luck!

Best,
Caitlyn

[amander-]

hi there kaylyn.
If it was me i wood give her a day or two and then i wood try to chat to her that you are steel a man on the in side but i do like dressing up in women dress part time so i wish you good luck with the chat to you mum.

[Beverley Sims]

Give her a couple of weeks to chill out and then answer her questions calmly and coherently.
It is important not to be too emotional as you need to keep the upper hand in the conversation all the time.

[kimdl93]

Give her some time to digest what she's learned. Then go see her. In the mean time do some serious thinking about what this all means to you...your truth, so you'll be better prepared to answer her inevitable questions.

[Jenniferathome]

You may as well tell her your story so she does not invent one herself. At this moment, she probably thinks your are a transexual. Now, on a related note, I would also tell her that invasion of your privacy is unreasonable and intolerable. Let her know she can ASK anything but searches of your place and things are not ok.

[mykell]

i was thinking about the invasion issue also, kinda like ask me no question ill tell you know lies,
seems she suspected it maybe,
like others have said, give her time to digest it,
whatever your path in life is bottom line she is your mom,
that usually comes with unconditional love,
i wish u well whatever the outcome but do be honest with this now...

[reb.femme]

Hi Kaylyn,

Yep, well and truly busted, but now is also the time to own it, as goes the oft' delivered phrase here. I would agree with just about all that has been said, give it time, deliver the truth slowly and let her digest it at her own pace. That much you owe your mum....just one of life's obligations. However, I am an unrepentant and eternal pessimist, so I say prepare also for the fact that she may never accept. I hope this is not the case but all options at this moment in time must be considered.

The truth is the best place to start when she is prepared to listen, then take it from there, but shame on your part should not enter the equation. Easy to say from my settee right now, but I got caught by my wife so I know the situation well. :heehee:

Rebecca

[Katey888]

Kaylyn - I'm not going against the flow here...

Give her a bit of time - she may talk to you first - if not you need to talk to her and be open, honest, balanced about what all this means to you.

You shouldn't try to hide this from her anymore, but you might also want to seek her reassurances that this doesn't go any further for now than you and her...

Good luck - and keep calm and carry on with the rest of your life... :hugs:

Katey x

[Raychel]

Wow, that really sucks Kaylyn,
hopefully in a little bit of time, she will come around and talk to you about what she is really thinking.


I wish you the best :hugs:

[~Joanne~]

You may as well tell her your story so she doe snot invent one herself. At this moment, she probably thinks your are a transexual. Now, on a related note, I would also tell her that invasion of your privacy is unreasonable and intolerable. Let her know she can ASK anything but searches of your place and things are not ok.

I have to agree with what Jennifer said. Your mom was at your place and had no right to go snooping around while you were out getting a pizza. You need to really address that while you have your talk with her and you most certainly want to have that talk before, again like Jennifer stated, she comes up with her own theories and such. The genie is out of the bottle with your mom and there is certainly no way to put it back in so your going to have to have that talk.

I also agree with giving it a little time, a day or so at most, so you can calmly collect your thoughts as to how you want to have this talk with her. Be open, be honest, but be firm also especially about the snooping part. she obviously didn't buy the girlfriend's make up story and was probably the reason she went snooping. If your are a closet dresser, which it sounds as you are, you may not want to leave your things just laying about.

Good luck

[Tracii G]

Do not let her have the upper hand when you explain everything about you to her.Be calm and answer her questions and don't let her throw a guilt trip on you over what you do.
1. Its none of her business.
2. You live on your own.
3. Her going thru your stuff is wrong.
She seems to be the one that can't let go and let you grow up on your own ie: wanting to do your laundry.
She was fishing and being nosy and I would call her out on that.
I'll bet she has a few things in her closet she wouldn't want you to see.Goes both ways you know.
Just own up to what you do and let her know there is nothing wrong with it no matter what she says.

I see you are 21 so an adult legally and you are free to do what you wish despite what she says.

[Chickhe]

Sounds to me like she came over with the intention to search your place. Ask her why she was upset..then say to her... "I'm sorry, I didn't expect you to disrespect my privacy" and say no more. Repeat as needed.

[Diana81]

My heart is with you. I'm just starting with this all at last and I can only imagine the suffering you are going through. Be strong. Live your dream.

[Brenda B]

I live alone, but the thought has occurred to me, what if one of my kids came over when I was at work and went through my bedroom closet? I would tell them that they were paying the price of violating my privacy. Most people have secrets they keep in the safety of their if their own homes, so you really have the upper hand in this situation- she had no right to snoop! Don't take it so hard. Best wishes!
Brenda B

[Majella St Gerard]

First of all your mother needs to respect your things and not go snooping around, you are an adult and should be treated as one.

[Kate Simmons]

If you knew your Mom was coming to stay there, you should have de-femmed the place. You know Mother's can't resist getting into your stuff. Now that it's done, looks like you will have to deal with it.:)

[NZ_Dawn]

Hi Kaylyn
I agree with others, call her and ask for a chat. (In person would be best if possible, or phone to initiate discussion) and reassure her that its not the end of the world. Could it be the initial shock that you came home to? Only you will know how to gauge the reaction. Ths sooner the better as I guess she will be thinking of nothing else but what she discovered. (Her thinking may be way of track!) Time for you to explain and let her know. I wish you all the best, Mums world-wide are pretty forgiving and understanding! It has also made me reconsider the mother-in-law visits! Mine is just as helpful(;-)

[MsVal]

Before you have the talk with your mother, do your preparation. What are you going to say? What will she ask? What will you reply? Don't ask a question for which you don't already have an answer.

I suggest that you own the situation and define it. This will give you the opportunity to express it in terms that are favorable to you. This may be a lot harder to do than to say, she is your parent, after all, and some things are easier to say to friends than parents.

If you can, take the lead and put the burden of explanation on her. She found female clothing in your apartment while she was snooping. Then, having found those garments, she left without even discussing it with you. Is she ready to explain why she was snooping and why she refused to talk about it?

Stay focused. Stay on topic. Don't let the discussion wander into other, less favorable areas until you are comfortable with the answers to these questions. ("We can talk about that after I get answers to my questions.")

<sigh> Good luck.

Best wishes
MsVal

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kaylyn, Mothers are just like wives , Some will accept and others will have nothing to do with it.
The ball is in her court now give her time to sort things out .

[mikiSJ]

Moral of the story: mothers believe they have the parental right (even when you are in your 50s) to go through your personal stuff. Either keep your mother away or lock up your stuff.

Or, you were secretly hoping she would find your stuff and not storm out of the apartment so you could begin the conversation you should have had a couple of years ago.

[heatherdress]

Tell her they belong to me.

[dominique]

Let her calm down then talk to her rationaly about it. My main concern is that she went into your private space, she had no right to do that with out your permission.

[Alice Torn]

I feel for you. Like was said, if your dad finds out, double jeopardy. I suspect my sister and mom found out, when i waw a teen, as they did not mention it, but tried to get me to a shrink.

[Kyle1105]

I talked to my parents about it but I keep that part separate from my home life. My parents understand and you can't force them to accept it. That comes with time.

[Annaliese]

Take some time and write a letter to her telling her everything, including the pain that all of us go through, she is your mother, she still love you.

[Patty-Fay]

You may be feeling bad about yourself because you have experienced your mother's disapproval. If that's it, try to remember that your mother is human, that she had an emotional reaction that reflects on her own personal prejudices, rather than on your worth, and also not on her overall feelings about you, her son.

I see two ways forward: 1) ignore it. If you don't mention it, then possibly she never will either. This could turn it into a DADT situation. 2) after careful planning, discuss it with her.

If you choose #2, bear in mind that she may get emotional again. You will have to remain calm, and tell her what you need to say. Be matter of fact, but remind her you love her, and that you value her. Let us know if you need help figuring out what to tell her.

[Nichola]

That's really tough, I feel for you. I hope you work things out although I do think it was very invasive of your mother to go through your things like that.
Fingers crossed for you for a good outcome.

[Rachell Carter]

Keep your chin up chuck things always happen for a reason xx

[pajeantv]

Good Luck, Just be glad its not your wife, or girlfriend, Mom's are rarely vindictive, they may blow up and not talk, but they don't usually fill in the whole world. My mother found me in a dress one time back in the early 70's, I got the worst ass wooping of my life. she grabbed my dads belt and beat me. so storming off mad isnt the worst thing to happen. Be honest with her, and hopefully she will at least return and talk to you.

[lovetobedani]

First of all, I think that since she wouldn't talk to you and stormed out makes me think that she over reacted. Second is that she's well out of line in disrespecting your privacy. She should not have gone through your things. I would wait a few weeks to talk to he but, I would wait for her to call you. She will and parents especially mothers love thier children unconditionally. It's rough for you now but time is a great healer. Try not to stress so much and all will work out.

[MonctonGirl]

Any good negotiator ( experienced divorce lawyer, the late President Kennedy , etc. )
would advise you to "do nothing - just wait for the other party to do something"

If that means you don't hear from her until after Christmas - so be it.

Why was she rooting through your room and invading your privacy?
Truly - she got what she deserved for her noseyness- the shock of her life.
At the moment she probably believes you are gay and she'll never have any
grandchildren ( true or not ) and it's probably on her mind 24/7. lol
Let her deal with it on her own until SHE contacts YOU.

Why?

If YOU call HER - you'll be apologizing - and then SHE has the power because you're admitting to FAULT.
If SHE calls - you first ask her to apologize for invading your privacy before you talk about anything else
and hang up if she refuses - and don't give me "you don't know my mother".

[bimini1]

She may have suspected something in the first place and tried to get to the bottom of it. You can't understand that parents want what they think is best for you until you become a parent yourself. Then you have a whole other perspective on things. For years my mom was a bane in my side over CD. She did not like it, accept nor support it. At almost 50 years old and completely immersed in it today, if she asked me about it, which she hasn't in about 10 years- I would probably lie and say I quit. Just to avoid the sure to be ensuing drama.
Our moms tend to have some power over some of us, and they can run some serious guilt trips on you. I know mine did. But she wanted what was best for her son and let's face it, she is probably right about the CD part in the end.

[mikiSJ]

MonctonGirl is right. DON'T NEGOTIATE AGAINST YOURSELF!

[Tracii G]

Now that I have thought about your situation I would pen a letter and say what you need to say.
Don't ask for her approval because you don't need it anyway.Let her know what she did was wrong.
Be firm in your letter discussing who you are and you still love her no matter how she feels about it.
Hand it to her personally and walk out the door.
The ball is in her court at that point and she can read the letter and think about what she did.That way the guilt is on her and not you because you were the one violated.
You did nothing wrong.

[suspender]

The first getting busted is always not-so-good. Time is what it takes and eventually they come around (to varying degrees). Every cloud has a silver lining, at least you do not have to hide you stuff away from her now. Your scenario reminded me of one of my first being outed experiences, although the relative was just holding one of breastform in their hand and asking lots of questions, which I thought was much easier to admit to than to come up with some lame excuse. That is now a distant history that the tide of time has eroded. Life is way to short and when you get the chance to have the discussion in a rational manner, inform her it is your way of expressing yourself. It does not change who you are.

[Jordan]

All I can say is best of luck to you and to let it go for a few days and than see if she brings it up and than settle down and talk about it. I would be a little upset that she went thru my stuff if I am living on my own