Questions of identity and dysphoria

[GroovyChristy]

Hey, everyone. These are personal issues for me, and I don't usually talk about them but it has come to a point at which I've realized that I need to get things off my chest and perhaps get the opinions of others.

I am struggling with my identity. It's an age old question: who am I? For people like us, of course, it is even more complicated. Why do we dress in clothing that is meant for the opposite sex? Or to go deeper: why does society assign certain designs of fabric to people with certain types of reproductive parts? That in particular baffles me, but I digress.

Sometimes I think I'm trans. Sometimes I think I'm a "femboy." I've always known that I am different, that I don't fit into the rigid binaries of male and female, masculine and feminine. I tend to think these are socially constructed ideas with little inherent validity. But they can be useful in describing yourself: I lean much farther toward the feminine side of the spectrum than the masculine. I could not care less for sports, physical strength, etc. I like to smell like flowers and fruits. I like to be soft. I want to be pretty. I shave my body hair. I am socially passive and I am submissive when it comes to intimacy.

I have never liked my first name, and when told what my name would have been if I was born a girl, I felt a longing for what could have been. This was at an early age. I wanted to be "Christy." I hate my wide shoulders and my quickly-growing leg hair. I dread looking in mirrors. I hate when people call me "sir," or when I'm with female friends and we are greeted as "ladies, and gentleman."

BUT. I do not particularly hate my male genitals, except for the awkwardness of wearing clothes designed for people who are flat in that region. And I don't particularly desire breasts. I don't have the hatred for my genitals that my FTM friend deals with everyday, but I do hate other aspects of myself. I wish I was less tall and more pretty. Are there degrees of dysphoria? Is it possible to be transgender and not hate your genitals - to be scared of the idea of HRT and SRS but simultaneously yearning to try beginning that process?

Also, I wonder, does being MTF or FTM support the idea of a binary? Why does physical dypshoria exist if one can transcend the social boundaries of gender by doing "feminine" things or "masculine" things? Is the existence of transgender people at odds with the existence of androgynous or gender-fluid people?

I don't know. I'm interested to see what you all may have to say, but I am partly just typing out my thoughts in an effort to work through them. If you have read through all of this rambling, I am very grateful, and I look forward to your responses.

[Persephone]

You've sure raised some pretty complicated issues, Christy! And you've raised lots of them!

The distinction of gender binary may apply to many of us; some of us even prefer it that way, but that may not be you. In a polarized society it can be hard to find yourself between the poles, but maybe that's part of who you are?

I've lived with my particular place, somewhere along the CD/TG/TS spectrum, for the past 65 years or so, I'm pretty well educated, and I still have no idea what it is all about. What I did learn was to quit worrying about most of it and to just enjoy being me. That mght not work for everyone, but it pretty well works for me and I'm having a ball!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Beverley Sims]

Christy,
You seem to be going through self discovery, when you desire to dress you do look at literature about dressing, sex change, dysphoria and other like subjects.
It makes your imagination run wild and all sorts of situations and maladies you may have spring to mind.

You may want to think of a sex change, so you start to hate your man parts.

You want to emulate a woman, so cross-dressing becomes your prime focus.

You may think you are gay so relationships with men occupy your imagination.

These have all come about from what you have read or have been told.

You need to slow down see what interests you the most and gives you the most satisfaction.
Adopt that chosen path for a while and if you still remain frustrated and confused, you might need to talk to someone else about it.

Many others have gone through the same mind bending situations so you are not unusual in that regard.

[Teresa]

I have to go along with Bev's comments. You're a young student trying to pick up on everything, you don't mention if you have a partner, and if you have how it works. I guess when working life comes along and your feet hit the ground you'll realise much of what you worried about was crap.

[KristyE]

Sweetie much of what you've written echos me. If there's nothing holding you back move forward and see what fits you. I'll be reading all these answers for my own road which is blocked at the moment. Good luck and enjoy the journey.
Love KristyE

[devida]

Hey Christie: I identify as non-binary. I don't see a man looking at me when I look in the mirror but I don't see a woman, either. I prefer female clothes to men's clothes. I wear some makeup and my mannerisms have never been masculine. I shave most of my hair on my body and I'm interested in fashion. I also identify as transgender, or trans but I'm not transitioning or in the least bit interested in hormones. I would prefer bigger tits but I don't think I'd get surgery because I like small tits. The breast forms I use are A-B, just noticeable. But I'm not struggling with my identity because the only conflict I have is with society in general and not with myself. I embrace my identity as trans or non-binary. I was much more unhappy than I realized when I identified myself as masculine, though God knows why I thought that I was. My wife certainly didn't think of me as even as masculine as she is. Nor did most of my friends who regarded me as a strange effeminate kind of person. Most of my problems came from trying to wrestle the effeminate way I felt into a narrative of masculinity. Really all that did was make me cruel and dangerous, mostly to myself, but at times, to others. So it's been just a huge relief to submit to my real identity. I do find vague labels like non-binary and trans useful but I am wary of clutching on to them too closely. I suspect gender identity is as varied and unique as we are, and not really two, or three, or five , or as Facebook now thinks, 52 identities. Now you may have to experience some dysphoria until you can accept yourself. You may have to make all kinds of changes to facilitate this acceptance. I did. I changed the way I acted, the way I thought, the way I looked after my own body, and the way I dressed. I also changed the way I related to other people. For example, I started smiling at people (and many but not all smile back). I allowed myself to open up. I do have many more changes I will make but I want to be gentle with myself and kind, the way I want to be to other people. But I did stop struggling. I gave up the fight. It became clear it was a fight I could not win. As a result of this surrender I am happier than I have ever been in my life. You have time to embrace yourself. We all do. It may not be easy but it could be fun. Let yourself enjoy it.

[mechamoose]

It sounds like we have stuff in common. I'm also a girl in a guys body, but who is 50/50 male/female on gender identity. I don't have any desire to transition, I wear a mix of male & female clothes, but I'm wearing a skirt at home most days.

Lots of good people here. Glad you spoke up!

- MM


.

[Katey888]

Christy,

I'm sure what you're going through will be familiar to many here and goes beyond just those thoughts related to dressing and as you say, more related to your identity as an individual as well as your gender.

To reassure you: Are there degrees of dysphoria? For sure... I believe most of us here occupy some part of a gender mosaic that is much more complex than just a one-dimensional track with straight at one end and trans at the other... I'd suggest there are at least three main components that impact this aspect of our identity: physical sex; sexual orientation; gender identity - and these three are not always (never?) binary either. You don't talk about your sexual orientation - it's not necessary to - but you do appear to have a degree of gender fluidity or variance. Again, I think that's relatively common amongst us - just present to differing degrees. Even some of us older folk are still discovering what this is all about and how it affects us individually... :)

While there may be plenty of opinions and advice here, I'd also think you would be well advised to try to find a professional and experienced gender counsellor to discuss these feelings with - as Bev has intimated, when you first start discovering these things there can appear to be a number of predetermined courses, but that is not the case. You have to find your own way that is right for you and counselling will help you get there.

Be wary of any black or white pronouncements based on what you have said here... seek professional counselling... :)

Katey x

[daarleane]

Like Devida, I have found that over time somehow I began to smile at people. One of the GG's in my group even calls me "smiley". What I have discovered is that most people smile back, particuarly GG's. And it makes me feel better.

[Marcelle]

Hi Christy,

I see you are quite young and are definitely trying to figure out who you are at a juncture in your life when it is important to know who you are and where you are going. Throwing TG/TS/CD into the mix and it is easy to see how it could be very confusing. I also note that you are an avid reader and would surmise that you have probably read countless articles on the TG subject to try and bring clarity to your confusing thoughts. When I first came out, things moved very rapidly for me and for a time there I was very confused about what direction I was going as was my wife. I read articles, discussed with others and ruminated similar subjects in my mind over and over again. The thoughts began to consume me so I did what had to be done to bring focus and clarity . . . I saw a gender identity therapist. We have been working together for about 4 months now and I have to say it has helped me immensely to bring order to chaos.

There are some here who may not agree that counselling/therapy is not the way to go and for some it may not be. However, I see you are truly confused and while we can give you the benefit of our experience we are not you and our experiences may be completely different. A trained therapist who specializes in gender identity will guide you through the confusion, through to understanding and self-acceptance.

Hugs

Isha

[Ressie]

Good points on how much of this is imagined brought on be info found on the internet? 50 years ago transexuals didn't have any outside influence. They knew within themselves that they were born in the wrong body. But I think there are degrees of dysphoria. Personally, I feel sometimes that I should have been a woman, but I've never hated my genitals because there is a lot of pleasure there.

Also in a fantasy state we don't think about the down side of being a true female. The grass appears to be greener, but is it?

[Angie G]

I'ts not easy not knowing where you fit in as time goes by it may get easyer it did for me. I always like boy things Played Base Ball, liked fishing, playing war with the other boys. And I loved girls. From a very young age I would wear girls clothes whanever I could. I am married with 2 kids and 7 grandkids. Just out to my wife for the past 7 years. I have a lot of freedom with it at home. I never thought of transitioning. But at times wish I'd been born a girl. I'm very happy where I'm at in life. If you find it so complicated maybe you should find some professional help to sort things out.:hugs:
Angie

[GroovyChristy]

Many thanks to those who responded thoughtfully and encouragingly. Some of you rightly suggest counseling, but that is not currently an option for me. I agree that these issues are different for each person, as we are all unique. I know that my experience will not be the same as that of anyone else. Some of my friends know about my deviance from the accepted norm and are wonderfully supportive and accepting of my femininity. This is very gratifying and I think it will be quite important in my journey, wherever it leads.

Some of you have suggested that I may feel a need to follow some predetermined path as laid out by outside sources. I assure you that I am not tempted by this - I've always been one to figure things out for myself and question everything.





Also in a fantasy state we don't think about the down side of being a true female. The grass appears to be greener, but is it?

I can assure you my problems are not imagined or brought on by the internet. I have struggled with these issues since early childhood. I am aware of some of the implications of being a "true female," assuming you use that term to mean a GG/cisgender woman. They face societal marginalization in numerous, horrible ways. As for biological issues, yeah, I know. But I will never be a GG and so I will never be able to understand what that is like. I do face some marginalization as a person in the LGBTQ spectrum, and starting any kind of transition will undoubtedly increase it, but I have to put my own happiness and well-being above societal expectations.

Everyone, please continue to share your thoughts.

[Diane Edwards]

I have to echo the response of some of the others. I think we've all asked ourselves many of the same questions you have, and done so over and over again.

Like some of the others here I lean towards female more than male, my chromosomes notwithstanding. While it took a while, I came to be much more comfortable being in female mode and once I did much of the internal 'dialogue' we all go through faded away. But that's just me. As the saying goes, Your Mileage May Vary.

In any case it is a journey, one of discovery, happiness or heartbreak, ups and downs. In other words, it's life.

Like you, I struggled with this since I was 10, and even more so when I entered my teens. It helped that, unlike some of the others here, I had a friend and a family member to confide in and who supported me though some tough times and helped me become more of the woman I am inside. Like me, I hope you will become comfortable with who are - female, male, or somewhere in between. If nothing else you have a lot of support here from those of us who have lived through it, just like you are.

[Michelle789]

Christy,

I think your issues go beyond gender expression and into your identity. One reason I feel like your identity may actually be female is because you hate being called "sir", would rather be addressed as a "lady" than a "gentleman" and desire to be called by a female first name. Also you said you hate your body/facial hair, a good indication of body dysphoria. You also seem to prefer the female gender role. Btw I experience everything I said in this paragraph too.

There are degrees of dysphoria and many here have a mainly male identity but like to express ourselves as female once in a while, by wearing female clothes.

Some of us have a 50/50 male/female identity and need to express both equally. Some of us are women born in the wrong body and need to transition to correct this, to get the right body and to be treated socially as a female.

Yes, it is possible to have GD and not hate your genitals. The clinical definition of GD says you must have at least 2 of 6 from the first list, and it causes you significant impairment in your life. I would highly suggest seeing a trained gender specialist who can help you sort through these issues. I've seen mine twice and am going for a third session this week. She's been really helpful so far.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/gender-dysphoria-symptoms/

You need not experience every symptom of GD to have it. You could desire to be female by identity, to dress in female clothes, be treated as one, and hate your body hair, while not hating your genitals or wanting breasts to have GD. Someone else might hate their genitals and want breasts and to be treated as a woman, but hate skirts, makeup, hosiery, and high heels, and still have GD.

I'm personally discovering that as much as I like female clothes and would prefer the female gender role, it is ultimately my core identity that is female. My identity as female supersedes any of society's social roles or dress codes. I'm finding that dressing as a girl or prefering to be treated as a lady ultimately is an expression of my core female identity.

Here's a question for you: If you lived in an ideal world, where there were no social restrictions on how a man or a woman could dress or express themselves, what would you want to be? You would still have a legal gender marker, gender-specific name, and be addressed as sir or ma'am. But all genders can wear dresses or pants, heels, flats, sneakers, do makeup or forgo makeup. All genders can be aggressive, leader, build things, passive, express themselves emotionally, cry. Would you be a man, woman, or something else?

:) Michelle

[sanderlay]

You are certainly not alone in asking these questions. But as you have discovered we are all different. And more importantly, there is no one right answer to these questions about identity and dysphoria.

I dislike like labels as they never describe who a person really is. They can help or be a hindrance. Some of these labels have changed a bit over time so it's important to use the most current definition, or define your own. You don't have to take on a definition that does not apply to you.

And in the end even if you find the perfect label, or combination of labels, does it change who you are? My answer is NO. But it's still good to read all you can from a variety of sources.

You are a unique and special person that does not have to fit into societies rules of gender unless you want to. You do not have to blend in unless you want to. You do not have to change your body unless you want to. You can change your mind about anything any time you want to.

I personally have not used a counselor. But I have friends that have helped me. They have helped me by seeing things from a different perspective that only a friend looking from the outside could see about myself. They have given me advise and suggestions.

But in the end it still up to me to discover what applied to me and seek my own path. What advise to follow and decide for myself what applies to myself. No person should tell me who I am or what path to follow.

My advise is do what makes you happy and only you will know what that is. But this will take time and much research to find the path, the balance, that's right for you.

[Shy_Confusion]

Without the ability to see a gender therapist, my only advice to you is to figure out how to be true to yourself.
As I've uncovered how much overcompensation and denial I put myself through, it's been painful at the least.

[Lorileah]

There is no requirement to hate any part of your body. I think if you ask several TS's they will tell you they really don't have a feeling one way or another about their genitals, they don't hate them but hey don't necessarily like them. As far as wishing, everyone does that. Everyone wishes SOMETHING was different. So you are in no way any different than anyone else.

You may be a TS, you don't need any surgery or hormones to do that. It is who you are, nothing will change that

[busker]

Christy,
It is possible to be you without having to have SRS or HRT. so much of our lives is on the inside, in our heads, how we think about ourselves and how comfortable we are with accepting who we are. Admitting who we are sometimes really takes the load off our shoulders.
Here is a short interview with a Brazilian TS model and she has had no HRT or SRS, just a boob job and she has moved from modeling into acting and seems enormously confident once she admitted who she was.
take a look--it is about 2 minutes. she has a natural feminine look which probably makes it easier but it is all doable.
http://www.nytimes.com/video/world/americas/100000002770175/more-acceptance-for-transgender-models.html

[Milou]

I'm not really into the position to give you advice. I think much has been said by others, and I really like the answers here.


Hi Christy,

I see you are quite young and are definitely trying to figure out who you are at a juncture in your life when it is important to know who you are and where you are going. Throwing TG/TS/CD into the mix and it is easy to see how it could be very confusing. I also note that you are an avid reader and would surmise that you have probably read countless articles on the TG subject to try and bring clarity to your confusing thoughts. When I first came out, things moved very rapidly for me and for a time there I was very confused about what direction I was going as was my wife. I read articles, discussed with others and ruminated similar subjects in my mind over and over again. The thoughts began to consume me so I did what had to be done to bring focus and clarity . . . I saw a gender identity therapist. We have been working together for about 4 months now and I have to say it has helped me immensely to bring order to chaos.

There are some here who may not agree that counselling/therapy is not the way to go and for some it may not be. However, I see you are truly confused and while we can give you the benefit of our experience we are not you and our experiences may be completely different. A trained therapist who specializes in gender identity will guide you through the confusion, through to understanding and self-acceptance.

Hugs

Isha

Thank you for writing this, as this is what I've been gone through. I have looked through a lot of TG blogs, forums and other resources, but I couldn't find an answer. There isn't much known about this concept and since I don't have a strong sense of self-identity, I completely lost my way and this isn't a fun place to be in. Anyway, I'm in therapy now.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Christy

I'm not too good at the psycho' babble, so I'm not even going to try. Sounds to me like you need a girlfriend to get your mind off things.

[PaulaQ]

@Christy

1. Whatever you do, don't join the military, get married, or any other over compensating type of thing to prove you are a real man.
2. Yes, you can have significant gender dysphoria and be TS without hating your genitals. There are many non-op MtF's.
3. Yes, there are varying degrees and presentations of gender dysphoria, ranging from mild to life threatening.
4. Not liking your body hair is certainly a symptom of the type of body dysphoria that is frequently a hallmark of GD.
5. GD exists in more severe cases because your brain needs more estrogen, less testosterone, and after a while, it doesn't deal with having a male hormonal balance well. No one knows why, for certain. Social reinforcement of your gender role is also usually needed - but it often isn't sufficient.
6. Yeah, there are a lot of possibilities outside the gender binary. These all can be kind of hard to deal with, mostly because society is struggling to deal with the concepts of MtF and FtM. Non-binary genders are not understood, at all, by most people, and there aren't really any templates for how to deal with a genderless person, or a person who expresses both genders simultaneously, or alternatively.

Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

[Ms. Alexis]

I feel your discomfort.
I too feel that more often than not I am between the genders and to make matters even more difficult how I feel about it and to which side of the fence I lean changes. I've taken many different tests with different results and even different results on the same test at different times! The fact is we have all been brainwashed to believe that Gender is a Binary affair when gender is instead a line with an infinite number of points. At times I come up as "Probable Transsexual" other "Androgynous", and for a long time I felt even more isolated because I don't even fit the "CD" mold. In the end in my own mind I consider myself "BiGendered" (there's that Bi thing again) and feel that I am One, Either or Both all at the same time and that the truth is I shouldn't have any negatives about who I am at any given time because their is no right or wrong of it. The reality is that for all the social consequences you should feel empowered because you are special and have been given the gift to see and feel from the whole gender spectrum and can use all to your benefit if you allow yourself to be whatever the situation calls for, and if that is not good enough for someone then that is a shame, but not your shame. So enjoy and relish in all of who you are because the real key is being happy with yourself in the moment no matter who you are, not according to what someone else or society thinks you should be.

[busker]

The fact is we have all been brainwashed to believe that Gender is a Binary affair when gender is instead a line with an infinite number of points. .
I think if you look at the catalog of living things in nature, you will find that 99% of them are either male or female. yes, there are some exceptions of asexual creatures, and some that are both male and female, and some creatures that don't need sex to reproduce.
My oft stated notion is that genetics and epigenetics and the relevant hormones are probably the root cause of ....... There are people with eyes of different colors, sometimes more than usual number of digits, Siamese twins, all sorts of variations, and I think that we are among that group. some have strong female feelings and a male body and I think nature just didn't get the job done right. Light has many colors within but we are NOT talking physics here--but biology. So the "infinite rainbow" I think doesn't satisfactorily answer or apply to the situation.
just sayin'

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Christie, It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.

[devida]

I'm not letting you get away with that statistic, busker. The vast majority of animals on Planet Earth do not reproduce sexually, they reproduce asexually or through amazingly complex procedures that make the varieties of gender variation we are discussing look silly and small. Your 99% statement is nonsense unless you are talking about the very small number of living organisms that belong to the Craniata, a kind of a small group that are better known as vertebrates and includes an even smaller group, the mammals. Recent estimates suggest that the familiar animals - mammals, birds, crocodilians, lizards, cartilaginous fish and bony fish amount to about only 4 per cent of the 1.5 million known animal species. Since the estimates are that there are vast numbers of unknown animals on Planet Earth these familiar animals only account for between 0.03 and 0.6 per cent of the total. And I'm not even mentioning plants which are certainly alive, reproduce in all kinds of ways and have all kinds of sexes. Nature is really an infinite rainbow with vast variation much of which works a great deal better at reproducing genetic lines than human sexuality does.

[GroovyChristy]

Busker, I think you may be confusing gender and sex - two different things.

Anyway, so many of you have generously shared great support and wisdom and I cannot thank you enough. It moves me, validates me, it stimulates thought, and it is indispensable to someone who is still figuring things out. I also do not have the best self-esteem, which makes your kindness and support that much more invaluable. Thank you all.

*hugs*