Nicole Erin
03-19-2014, 02:18 AM
I keep a journal about my thoughts of life, it spans a lot of subjects. I was writing some entries tonight and one of them dealt with my new gender. Not until I wrote the last part did I stop and think, "Wow, I made it! I am totally at peace with this!"
I almost cried when I gave deep thought to this.
Maybe it is like being born. You know it had to have sucked but you cannot remember the pain. But after the pain, you just... live.
When you get to a point, you do not do things because you are transsexual. You do them because you are a woman. For those who are at this point, how did we get here? At what point did our turmoil turn to peace?
Here is how it goes -
During marriage and shortly after divorce, I was having a lot of fun being “Erin”. Anytime I bought women’s clothing or something pertaining to women, it was a rush. Today, it is just clothes shopping or buying everyday shit. No longer do I trot into a store all nervous and trying to dodge glances of people when I am in the woman’s section. When someone calls me “Erin”, it is just my name. It is not a rush or some kind of weird personal victory. It feels no different than when I used to hear my old name.
I wonder then if my lack of care for manly stuff is the cause or result of living as a woman. The intimidation or adrenaline rush I would once get about man stuff no longer affects me. Oh sure I can still work on cars or other machines but it is not a validation of my masculinity. It is just a chore. When I can do some things well that are associated with femininity, that is where my validation now lies. I think both genders among people seek validation.
Once “she” took over my mind, I started to see men and women and even other transgender differently. For dating, I do still prefer women. Even though, I wonder if I am attractive to men. Often times the male customers will tell me how pretty I am or flirt with me. Sometimes I act flattered just to make them feel good. When I was younger, the very idea of a man finding me attractive was enough to make me want to fight. How things have changed.
I have fully embraced who I have become. There is no more internal struggle. I do not even worry about being “woman enough”. No longer do occasions come up where I try to act like a man because I feel I have to. I have become a woman. I can finally let go and just live my life. Even though “his” skill set is not lost, but “he” is dead. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman. I no longer see a man in a dress. I do not even remember what it felt like to see “A man in a dress” but I do know it was awful. I know I will never feel or remember that feeling ever again.
I almost cried when I gave deep thought to this.
Maybe it is like being born. You know it had to have sucked but you cannot remember the pain. But after the pain, you just... live.
When you get to a point, you do not do things because you are transsexual. You do them because you are a woman. For those who are at this point, how did we get here? At what point did our turmoil turn to peace?
Here is how it goes -
During marriage and shortly after divorce, I was having a lot of fun being “Erin”. Anytime I bought women’s clothing or something pertaining to women, it was a rush. Today, it is just clothes shopping or buying everyday shit. No longer do I trot into a store all nervous and trying to dodge glances of people when I am in the woman’s section. When someone calls me “Erin”, it is just my name. It is not a rush or some kind of weird personal victory. It feels no different than when I used to hear my old name.
I wonder then if my lack of care for manly stuff is the cause or result of living as a woman. The intimidation or adrenaline rush I would once get about man stuff no longer affects me. Oh sure I can still work on cars or other machines but it is not a validation of my masculinity. It is just a chore. When I can do some things well that are associated with femininity, that is where my validation now lies. I think both genders among people seek validation.
Once “she” took over my mind, I started to see men and women and even other transgender differently. For dating, I do still prefer women. Even though, I wonder if I am attractive to men. Often times the male customers will tell me how pretty I am or flirt with me. Sometimes I act flattered just to make them feel good. When I was younger, the very idea of a man finding me attractive was enough to make me want to fight. How things have changed.
I have fully embraced who I have become. There is no more internal struggle. I do not even worry about being “woman enough”. No longer do occasions come up where I try to act like a man because I feel I have to. I have become a woman. I can finally let go and just live my life. Even though “his” skill set is not lost, but “he” is dead. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman. I no longer see a man in a dress. I do not even remember what it felt like to see “A man in a dress” but I do know it was awful. I know I will never feel or remember that feeling ever again.