A question for those in relationships..

[sammiecd]

Hey all! I've been doing a lot of mulling over what I've been reading and have come across something that makes me nervous about reaching out to my wife about my dressing.

First off, everything I've read so far has been a great help, and I'd like emphasize that I understand the importance of not getting into a "competition" with my wife about dressing, should that become possible. I would never want to upset her or make her feel poorly about herself.

My question really relates to that: How have those of you in relationships dealt with your SO's body image issues when sharing your dressing with them?

My wife is beautiful. She has her own standards, however that she tries to live up to, and she's made great progress over the years to get into better shape. But she is still very self-conscious about it all, and I'm worried that if I share my dressing with her, she might get discouraged.

Reading that makes me sound really narcisistic, and I don't mean it to be. It's just that I'm just a smaller person than her (in height and structure), and though I've gained and lost weight myself, some of the comments she makes to me sometimes (that I've mentioned in other threads) makes me feel good for myself, but also worried that if I share my dressing with her, she might close herself up to me.

Anywho. Wordy, but I'm looking for any advice or experiences that you all might have!

Thanks so much!

-Sammie :3

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Sammie, excellent question & one that I look forward to reading , digesting & contemplating responses in re: my situation. Much peace to you, mel

[kimdl93]

Good question. My wife is considerably smaller in height and weight, so she'll never see me as competition. Or so I thought.

but like most women, she has been up and down in weight and had the body image concerns our society seems to inflict on all young women. The basic rule is, you look wonderful, honey. I wouldn't ever offer even well intended, but critical comments on her weight.

In recent weeks we've had some very frank conversations about my dressing, and she mentioned that if I was dressed in a nicer outfit, she would deliberately dress down. I never noticed that was happening..but she made the remark that she didn't want to compete with me. So it has given me even more to think about. The last thing I want to do is negatively influence her self image.

[alwayshave]

Sammie, My fiancee does not like the fact that my forms are bigger than her breasts. However, I'm 16 inches taller than her, so I naturally have a bigger frame. Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.

[sammiecd]

That's interesting Kim, I'll have to keep an eye out (if/when the time comes) to see how she reacts.

Always: Wow! That's a big difference! My wife is only about 5" taller than me, but it's enough :D I have no idea how my wife would react to breast forms lol.. Though I'm sure once I showed her my picture the first thing out of her mouth would be "how do you have boobs??" lol. If she's that cool about it anyway. For the record, two of her old bras fit me nicely. (they were really old and in a cupboard with other clothes she never wears, so I figured I was safe :D)

[Rachael Leigh]

Sammie, your not crazy for your thinking, my wife has known about my dressing for a long time, lately I've been doing it more getting better at makeup and it has really hit her that she thinks I look really good. So she has told me she doesn't like competing with the other women in my life. I don't feel this way but I understand her fear.

[AnnaBMarie]

Sammie,
The competition you mention can take many forms, and it's not always about height/weight proportions. The clothes you choose can also contribute to conflict if she feels you are dressing with a higher sexual "temperature" than she is comfortable with.

My SO was somewhat critical when I came out in skirts shorter than hers and in back-seam stockings. The very clothes that made me feel feminine were in "competition" with her usual dress. Larger breasts, redder lips, and higher heels all work to make some SO's feel like they aren't enough women for us.

It is a very hard thing to work out, and I truly envy the contributors to this forum that have SO's that support them. You have my best wishes that it works out for both of you.

[Samantha_Smile]

Sammie, My fiancee does not like the fact that my forms are bigger than her breasts. However, I'm 16 inches taller than her, so I naturally have a bigger frame. Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.

I could have wrote every line myself.

[Roberta Lynn]

Some clothes make look better on you. You may be dressed in what is considered more girlie. You may be dressed for the prom and she might of just come in from mucking out the barn. Just make sure she knows no matter how you’re dressed and no matter how she’s dressed you can never be more feminine than her, you can never be more of a woman than her.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sammie, Be careful of competition with your wife as it may not end well.

[sammiecd]

Sammie,
The competition you mention can take many forms, and it's not always about height/weight proportions. The clothes you choose can also contribute to conflict if she feels you are dressing with a higher sexual "temperature" than she is comfortable with.

That is a very interesting point.. i never really thought of that!

I'll have to keep that in mind as I ease her into it all. I'll make sure to start off as a "girl next door" rather than a "girl going out" kinda thing. Though I'd love it if we could both dress up for night and hit a club! But that's a good way down the line i think :3

[mechamoose]

My wife and I have been similar sizes for a long time. Its only recently that I have dropped way down in sizes. This has caused some minor jealousy issues.

She doesn't like her body. Never has, I doubt she ever will. Just try to be encouraging whenever you get the chance!

- MM

[BillieAnneJean]

Be subtle and ramp up the praise on her looks. Praise her accomplishments. Hold her more, have her sit on your lap. Ramp up the guy/gal thing like opening doors for her, carrying the groceries for her, taking out the trash. Ramp up being a guy for her. These are things you did when courting and that made her feel wanted. That might compensate for the change she might feel she perceives in you.

Women are bombarded by advertising, media, and other women. They are all in a subtle to outright competition for what can be gained from appearance. It is no wonder that even fantastic specimens can have self doubts.

I am amazed that women spend so much time focusing on their negatives while being jealous of what we crossdressers can accomplish by focusing on our positives.

GGs, you NEVER have to be in competition with a CDer. You won that contest before the contest started! But that is a curse. The natural athlete who does no training will fail against the less gifted who puts a lot of effort in to maximizing his qualities. GGs who spend time focusing on their weak points lose valuable time taken away from focusing on their assets. It also sets a negative tone for them.

MY SO, to me, is like every beautiful curve that any designer, artist, photographer, sculptor, or nature could ever come up with. She is a perfection that for me is like the pearl of great price. She is accomplished in more ways than anyone could imagine. She is probably one of just a few thousand women in the USA who can do what she can, is good at what she can do. Even though she is small in stature, she does things that are typically not considered for women. It wasn't easy, but she persisted. She is not boastful or competitive. She just likes to do some non girly things. Then she can switch over and be beautiful, girly, feminine, all dressed up and beautiful. How could a mere CDer compete with this? How could I, just a man, be worthy of this woman?

I am always praising her accomplishments, helping her when requested to overcome anything she wants help with. Yes I praise her appearance too. Yet she had and has self worth questions that I must address for her. Her validation partly comes from me. How can someone so fabulous have any doubts? Need any validation from me? I would never want to be a woman. Being a guy is just too much fun. But if I had to be anyone else, I would choose her because she has the best of both worlds. And she has me. Oh shut up! I am just kidding. I know my limitations but being married to her helps me out!

As a man my validation comes from my accomplishments, somewhat from my appearance. But when a man's appearance does not measure up to his desires, he can become more successful and women (and other men) will tend towards ignoring his appearance shortcomings and towards seeing his success. Women don't have this because they start out not successful, like all of us, and some find that appearance is a fast track. The cutest girl gets the quarterback kind of thing. They can set the unrealistic standard that is the curse for others. My daughter tried this, my grand daughter tries this. And maybe this carries over throughout life.

As a CDer my validation comes from my appearance, and less from my accomplishments as a CDer. There is an easier path through if I put sufficient effort in to looking good enough to not scare away small children and dogs. I write for The Network News, Frock Magazine, founded a CDer Social Group, and am starting a CDer convention that will provide a lot of FUN for a smaller price (or free for those living nearby). But those are of little note. My appearance seems to define me. Probably no tie in with GGs but interesting. And I confess that any praise I get for my appearance gives me more pleasure than anything else CDing. So feel free to heap it on!

So you are treading on thin ice here. What seems like solid and sure may be treacherous or down right dangerous other times. The only thing you can do is ramp up anything that makes her feel wanted by you, cherished by you. And keep talking, a LOT. Tell her to bring it up right away, as soon as it goes through her mind. You are going to hear some wild stuff. It may be all emotional with little focus on the total evidence or reality. It may be based soley on her fears. Make sure that you do not react in any way other than neutral. Calmly talk her through it. Keep the central focus that You want Her more than anything else. Make sure that she knows that she is WAY more important than CDing.

Billie
(For my SO: Honey, I love you more than the air I breathe! You are the only for me. I don't even need to define what the only is referring to. You are all of it. I revel in your femininity.)

[Julia Red]

Intellectually she understands it, but not emotionally.

off-topic: that sentence pretty much sums up my wife's reaction about my crossdressing.


at topic: sometimes my wife gets jealous when I buy clothes for Julia and not her, and complains that I am "giving more attention" to Julia instead of her because I have more photos of Julia.

I try to remedy this situation by always complimenting her, and not just for the sake of doing it, but genuinely admiring her and boosting her confidence. In my case it's not a big deal, she's pretty confident herself, but the competition spirit is definitely there.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Many of us have body issues and to a male many they dont understand us or why, some of us have Emotional needs and our greatest in many respects is body image, and not looking as ( sexy ) as we were,

its we are over weight or to thin we dont look pretty enough we have disfiggerment or scares from surgerys and some from giving birth, and of cause theres more,

In a marrage or relastionship a dresser or trans person is all dressed up its another matter and we see another woman entering into our relastionship.

Now if and yes we do have struggles as it is we have to cope with this yet another issue

many of our women have had children and yes body image is a major concern and may take many months to have our bodys back in shape and we are tired looking after our kids so body image is gone we dont dress as before and so tired we are ready for bed === to sleep. and no more than that.
all so it can become a compition as to who is the prettyist who looks more sexy and on it goes,

So is it any wonder we get depressed give up and wont out or go have it off with some one else who will tell us we are loved we look lovely and .... get this bit..... we are wonted for who we are,

You know those hugs and lovely words of i love you .......for the dresser its all about them. how pretty they look allways looking in the mirror and lots of photo's and putting on the walk and acting like a woman,

Hmmm I wonder, I'v tryed to understand men, i'v tryed to find why they think and , ( ill use act in the meaning of ) doing what they do. as the saying goes men dont understand us well in many respects we dont understand men. well i sure dont,

Going back to body image i know what thats like both from My Mother and Jos, plus i have my own issues, and simple way to explain that is , i dont like being around dresser's or trans people because they far surpass myself in how they dress and look , i get embarrised, because i dont measure up to how they look. fact is that goes back to age 10.

I work with women with lots of issues i know how they feel i know what they go through and have gone through yes some with dresser husbands,

one fear of mine has been still is, is facial features, you know, some would say and have told me oh I thought you were a woman, in the meaning of, i only see a woman , i am, its just the woman concerned accepted i am female and she had no doubt about that, she was and is right,

yet i doubted because of how i look id be accepted as normal ,

and i know other women have similar concerns yes like myself are women yet because of body issues we doubt our selfs,

One other detail is some of us are prone to rejection of our selfs , so self esteem self worth and confidence in who we are all come into play , and how we react to this will depend on the woman concerned and think on this,

when your standing on the rug and its pulled out from under you you go down and get hurt not just physicaly it becomes Mentaly and Emotionally and not just short term,

So hopefully this will give an insight into how we think in some issues and how we see ourselfs,

...noeleena...

[Beverley Sims]

Years ago we assisted in the destruction of our wives looks by pandering to their requests for babies and such like.
They went off for about nine months and worked on that project while we remained supple, slim and fit.
Now that they have a different shape we are ahead of them in the figure stakes.

Always praise your wife and never let her become self conscious of the sacrifices she made for both of you all those years ago. :)

[Jordan]

Like some here my forms are bigger than my wifes breast she complains but in the long run is fine with it I like you am also smaller than her but I have been dressing around her for so long I can't answer that sorry

[Jocelyn Quivers]

It's never made to be an issue, even though my wife and I wear most of the same sizes there are differences with tops where she is much smaller due to shoulders, muscle mass, arms, feet etc. Then there are areas where I'm smaller or very close to similar hips( my lack of), rear (again lack of), and waist. Basically my wife looks at the positives and "borrows:battingeyelashes:" my clothes and adds them to her wardrobe how see's fit. She also has the advantage of being naturally beautiful because after all she is the real thing and does not need all of the additional help to make an illusion of being somewhat pretty that I do, wig, excessive make up, camera angles/cropping. So there never really is any competition with me even remotely being in the same league as her looks wise.

[suchacutie]

The reality is that we have to work very hard to produce a body presentation that screams"female". Our one usual advantage is our legs. My wife is very clear that she is jealous of my legs. I make it clear that I am jealous of the rest of her body! Also, I make that clear in both genders. It's a mutual admiration society for us that works very well.

[Jenniferathome]

Sammie, you're a man and she's a woman. When you are dressed, she will not forget that. She will always have the shape of a woman, you will not. It's not a comparison to be made.

[PaulaQ]

@sammiecd

Um, some of the men posting in this thread a pretty clueless.

There are several things that can go wrong between you and your wife when you share your CDing with her:
1. When seeing you present as a woman, she can nearly completely lose her image of you as a man. This happened with my wife.

2. Hell yes, if you are in better shape than her in some way that she is particularly self-conscious about, you bet your ass it can bother her. Will it bother all women? No. But many women have body image issues - this is understandable as corporate America spends billions to create advertising that attempts to induce this.

3. Your taste in clothing - if you dress in a really sexy way, she may find this intimidating. My wife saw me going out once in an LBD. It freaked her out - what was I going to be doing leaving the house like that? (Answer was - playing hacked wii games, actually.) Or she may find that your ideas of sexiness are in fact really sexist and sort of offensive.

4. Seeing you as a woman may make her ask uncomfortable (for her) questions about her own gender and sexuality. These can be really uncomfortable to face. (Just look at what happens on this forum when someone mentions bisexuality!)

There are a number of things that can really trigger discomfort in a spouse, what is troublesome will vary from person to person, and some ladies are just ready for the full deal, no issues at all:
- breasts
- makeup
- wigs
- being fully dressed for going out
Lingerie alone tends to be less threatening, although as I said, each person has their own triggers.

Bottom line - communicate with her, go slowly (she'll never unsee something you show her, so starting slowly seems like it would rarely be a bad idea), and be sensitive to her own body image issues.

[sammiecd]

Years ago we assisted in the destruction of our wives looks by pandering to their requests for babies and such like.
They went off for about nine months and worked on that project while we remained supple, slim and fit.
Now that they have a different shape we are ahead of them in the figure stakes.

Always praise your wife and never let her become self conscious of the sacrifices she made for both of you all those years ago. :)

This is great advice, but we are no where near close to having kids :D Dated for 7 years, married for nearly 4, and we've got no desire for kids, lol. Maybe in the future. Every now and again, she'll have a moment of weakness but then she'll recant, lol!

Billie: That is an amazing response and attitude to have. I hope I can be that supportive to my wife, because as much as I like to dress, I would throw it all away if it meant losing her, or making our relationship falter. Thank you for your advice!

Jennifer: I think you're right. I just hope I wouldn't become a source of anxiety or self-doubt. She's an amazing lady, she just had a rough growing up that didn't encourage self-esteem. Thanks for your insight!

[ReineD]

Hi Sammie,

Contrary to what many of the members believe, we generally do not see ourselves "in competition" against CDers in the same way that some of us do compete against other women, whether we are single or married and some GG has her eye on our husband (or our husband has his eye on some GG). :p Not to be cruel, but your wife does know that she is a woman and you are a man. Fundamentally, women feel threatened by other women if and only if they are competing for men. So unless you and your wife are after the same man, these concerns simply would not exist no matter how you look.

There are however, two types of threats. One, if you should show a marked preference for styles/looks/types that your wife is not, she might then feel as if you are interested in a different type of woman than she is and this is when she might feel as if she is not enough for you. For example, if she is a conservatively dressed, girl-next-door type brunette, and you choose to look like a platinum blonde bombshell. And two, she would also feel that she is not enough for you if you dress in a way to attract men. She cannot compete with another man for your attention, if this is what interests you if even only in fantasy. In both of these examples, your wife would feel threatened because she would perceive that you are attracted to other people than her and not because she might perceive that you are more attractive than her. The difference is subtle, but it is paramount.

The clothes do say something as well, as another member pointed out. Remember that hetero women are not attracted to women who dress in a sexy manner. So your wife would get the impression that you do not dress to please her and would rather please men if you do choose to dress in a way that women do dress to attract men, i.e, short skirts, tight clothes, seamed stockings, stilettos, revealing necklines, etc.

Last, if your wife is heavier than you and she has issues with her weight (although many women enjoy their curves), then this would exist whether you crossdress or not. A good fix for this would be for your wife to have a full day spa somewhere with a fabulous makeover and fantastic new clothes, followed by a photo shoot with a photographer who would know how to capture her full, sexy femininity. Trust me, after seeing those pics she would feel much better about herself, even if no one else ever saw the pictures. :D

[Michelle V]

I believe as CDs we have much more to prove, we are attempting to be something we are not, girls. We work harder at it than GGs therefore when we get good feedback it not only inflates our egos it triggers a certain psychological acceptance and we can the deal with life, those of us with supportive wives and girlfriends have to also be understanding of their needs. Not only do they have to deal with a different version of the common men but also compete with their female counterparts which makes it twice the work. So just make sure your male side dedicates enough time to her and your female side supports her in every way. Believe me you are not alone. Good luck.

[kelly0]

this is an interesting thread. one that probably will eventually apply to me as me and my wife are pretty early on in the 'post her knowing about my CDing phase' (its only been 6 months)

i have never even thought about this. my wife is much smaller than me. she is 5'3, while i'm 6'2 (i know, i know, not a great height for heels which i love).

she has still never seen me dressed. we are not there yet. but i think the comments i've read about making sure to compliment your wife often on a nice outfit, etc is important. am sure that will help against this topic if it is at all an issue

[Cheryl T]

As my wife put it...women consider all other women competition.
It doesn't matter what they look like or who they are, they are the competition...and that includes us. It's a difficult thing for us to understand as we know we are not trying to compete, but if we by some chance look better in some way...a particular outfit, of course our styled wigs or whatever...we are the competition.
It took a long time for my wife to get past that...and it's still not completely gone. Just make sure you complement and compliment her.

[ChelseaAnn]

I believe as CDs we have much more to prove, we are attempting to be something we are not, girls. We work harder at it than GGs therefore when we get good feedback it not only inflates our egos it triggers a certain psychological acceptance and we can the deal with life, those of us with supportive wives and girlfriends have to also be understanding of their needs. Not only do they have to deal with a different version of the common men but also compete with their female counterparts which makes it twice the work. So just make sure your male side dedicates enough time to her and your female side supports her in every way. Believe me you are not alone. Good luck.

I read something on this once. I don't have the link, but I'll summarize as best I can. It was a piece written by a TS on why some men desire TSs more than GGs. The very nature is how much we desire to be feminine. GGs are already feminine (most of them anyway), and if they really desire to show off, they dress up. However, TSs, CDs, etc. have more of a desire to be feminine, and they also have to work harder at it to cover up their masculine/male side. Therefore, some men desire TSs and CDs more than GGs because they (and don't take offense to this GGs) "appreciate" their femininity more. It's not to say GGs don't like being themselves, but TSs and CDs desire the ability to be feminine, whereas with a GG, it just comes naturally, and therefore, little to no desire to become it.

Again, no offense to GGs.

[AnnaBMarie]

One other point of potential conflict is the simple "competition" for time.

There was a period in our relationship that whenever our child was left with the grandparents and we had time alone, I wanted to dress. It seemed logical to me at the time, but then later she told me there was some resentment because she wanted to spend those infrequent childless moments with her man. Just make sure you carve out enough time for husband/wife things.

[Ria Lynn]

For me it's not competition so much as a combination of abysmally low self-esteem, terrible body image, and the fact that I've never been all that feminine. I don't feel threatened so much as entirely out of my league. That's all on me though, and while my husband being extremely passable does add to the threat it's mostly my depression screaming it.

[Dana L]

When my wife and I were married she was very thin with curves in all the right places. Over the years and having two children she had put on a lot of weight. As my dressing progressed, at first there may have been some jealousy, especially when I would wear some of the things she could no longer fit in. I learned that I needed to buy my own things. Since she's gotten comfortable with my dressing, it has seemed to inspire her to workout and watch what she eats. When we shop she'll pull something of the rack and say "this would look good on you but I can't pull it off, not yet". So tread carefully and stay in tune to your wife's feelings.

[Robert]

I can't speak for anyone else, but the difference in my wife's and my behaviour is very telling I think.

When we get home from work, the first thing she does is have a shower, and slip into cotton track pants or a sarong. I hear her visible sigh of relief as she removes her restrictive undergarments. I, on the hand, do the exact opposite. My relaxation is slipping into very similar clothes to the ones she just removed. So, I slip into hose and high heels, and a dress with the full rig of lingerie underneath. That's how I relax.

When we go shopping together, she heads straight for the cotton knickers and tops, and I head straight for the satin and microfibre. We have totally different tastes in clothes, fabrics, patterns, and etc.

Sometimes, I'm a little doubtful whether I am in fact a crossdresser, because I don't dress like any woman I know. I dress like a male conception of how a woman dresses. It's a fantasy really.

[mechamoose]

Another happy cross-gender couple. Yay!

-MM

[Kate T]

Sammie I would suggest a couple of things
1. Reine's response is the only one from a GG so far on this thread. Given that you are trying to understand what your wife might be thinking you might want to pay fairly close attention to the only actual GG response.
2. Getting into a "i'm better looking than you" scenario personally I think is the LEAST of your worries in talking to your wife about your cross dressing. Please read the threads on how to tell your wife / partner and go through the threads in the Loved ones sections and try to get a handle on how GG's and your wife are likely to respond to your coming out to her. You have a lot more issues to cover I think before you get close to worrying about competing with her for who looks best.

[sammiecd]

Thank you Adina, I've read every post so far! :3

If I were to tell her tomorrow, I'm not sure how she would react. So far, my best luck has been in having small conversations here or there. I'm fairly certain she knows that I like to dress on occasion, from the fact that she has asked me to wear her panties before, during intimate moments, but every time i backed down. I'm hoping from that she registers it's not just a sexual kink. Quite honestly, I've never had a pair of panties that really fit well, so they aren't that big of a deal to me - it's more about trying to be as convincing as possible, but I digress.

She keeps telling me that she wants to get a pedicure, and I think that I might take her and go get our toes done. I've never done that with her, and I hope she'll see it as a sign of me opening that part of me up to her. (well, technically, her and a bunch of her friends painted mine and all the guys in my wedding party's toes the night before the wedding. So I guess that wasn't the first time :3.)

We were all heavily intoxicated. XD

[Tanya+]

I think you sound pretty sensitive to her needs..follow your instincts, take it slow, share your embarrassments and insecurities if you have any..make yourself as vulnerable as you can, show as much emotion as you have. And i think you are right to do it in little pieces..give her plenty of time to digest/accept/reject/question, understand and hopefully love for the complexity that is you. doing it a little at a time helps stop her from feeling overwhelmed or railroaded into something she hasn't chosen. The advice about making sure she still has plenty of access to the masculinity she fell for in the first place. And everything paulaQ said is worth rereading..you want to know if anything You might wear would turn her off, before you go all-out. She can't "unsee" something she has seen, sounds like the most important thing i've read in the thread. She sounds like a gem though, good luck.

[MsVal]

Great topic Sammie.
The posts have given me much to think about and reason for much introspection.

The only thing I can offer to the topic is what my wife said when I disclosed my crossdressing to her. If there is an occasion that calls for it, my wife dresses up just enough to get by. She has never been fashion conscious. She was crying when she said that she can't even advise me how to apply makeup.

This thread shined a light on the risks of looking better than my wife.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Stephanie Julianna]

I've been a lifelong crossdresser and my wife knew before we were married over 42+ years ago. Back then she was a size 5 and I was a 10. Now I'm a 12 and so is she. I know her very well and she would not appreciate it if when I dress up I was more girly than she is. She opts for slacks which I would never do given the choice. She does not have a pair of heels over 3 inches. I have 3 pair that are 5 1/2 inches. We simply have different styles and tastes but I know she would be crushed if she thought I somehow looked better. I don't see how I can but I'm not going to find out what she thinks. She's a real woman and I think she is beautiful but she is not confident about her looks and how the aging process changes what beauty is. So, my goal is for her to never see me dressed.

[CD Stephanie]

My girlfriend actually likes to borrow some of my bras. A couple of them she won't give back she likes them so well!

[Tina_gm]

Sammie, I think your wife knows, and she is just trying to get you to open up to her and she is probably waiting and wanting you to feel more comfortable with yourself.