Serious WTF moments---Wow

[Cheyenne Skye]

So I finally got to talk to a real person at my work's HR department yesterday. During the conversation she asked a question: "So you look more female than male now, right?" My response was telling her about growing my hair, doing my nails and the results of a year and a half of HRT. But in my head I was thinking to myself, "If we were video chatting right now, you wouldn't be asking that question." When I got off the phone, I just let out a little scream. I couldn't believe I had actually started that ball rolling. No turning back now. Soon, the "whole" world will know. I needed a drink. Jack with honey on the rocks.

As I nursed my drink pondering the ramifications of the phone call, I got on the computer. I found a before and after picture thread on another forum. There were some amazing transformations and some not so great. It got me thinking about my own transition. So I dug up three pics of myself and put them all side by side on the screen. The first was from Thanksgiving 2010. I had a mustache and goatee at the time. That was three months before I went to a support group for the first time. Second was a selfie from almost two years later right before I took my first Estrogen pill. I had intended to start a daily photo log of my physical changes. (that never happened.) The third was from a month ago. About a year and a half on HRT. All I can say is WOW. I guess seeing myself in the mirror daily makes it hard to see the big picture. It was hard to believe how much I had actually changed.

So between these two events, my thoughts naturally went to WTF. "Am I really doing this? God, I hope I'm making the right decision in all of this?" I mean, it feels right but my stupid logical brain keeps telling me I must be crazy to transition. It says, suck it up and just make the best of your situation. But then I counter with, "This is making the best of my situation." After all this time, the hormones and the hair removal, should I still be having self doubts? It still feels weird when a sales clerk or cashier calls me ma'am, but at the same time I've noticed it makes me a bit uncomfortable if I get sir instead. Maybe it all means I should be in gender outlaw country. I suppose maybe I should ponder that for a while.

Not really sure if I have a question or point in there, but thanks for reading anyway. Just had to get it off my burgeoning bosom.

[celeste26]

Well maybe not the whole world but anyone where you work will. It should make working more comfortable for you since there will be no reason to hide your dressing. However the challenge comes after the 20th person comes up to you and asks about your transition.

Personally I've waited til after my working life.

[Nicole Erin]

As I said in a thread I made, before you even KNOW it, living as a woman will just be normal. The day it happens will probably slip by unnoticed until you look back and say, "Holy damn, I havw been doing this for (however long) and it just is...

Yeah right now you are going through the whiplash of "what the hell am i doing?" The answer will be clear one day - living your life :) Hang in there.

[sandra-leigh]

Being called Sandra doesn't feel odd to me, except when it is my ex-partner: she only uses it with disapproval and that's aggravating.

Being called by my male name feels fine from my sister; a little less fine from my mother (who avoids acknowledging my trans side). From my ex-partner, sometimes it feels okay and sometimes it grates a little. From the public that I interact with in person, the male name is feeling less and less right. My on-line volunteer presence gets me email messages addressed to my male name, and sometimes I don't notice and sometimes I give out a, "Ha! That's what you think! [but you're wrong]". There is this strange coincidence between requests where I "Ha!"'d the name, compared to requests that I tell to RTFM (Read The Fine Manual).

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Cheyenne when I read your post, it sounds almost exactly like a moment I remember very well..

I was in the mode of dressing and living as myself only on weekends.. nobody at work knew yet...I was getting ready to tell my kids and dad that I was transitioning...

I was at a friends house, and i'm sitting there and I just had a moment where I totally fell apart inside me head...WTF AM I DOING??? THIS IS REAL/THIS CAN"T BE REAL!!!! Was cycling in my head.... and the enormity of what I was doing just sunk in..

That feeling didn't stick around although it came for visits from time to time... I took those moments seriously....I thought about my feelings but each time concluded the same thing and pushed ahead...

So in short, yes, it happened to me too

[steph1964]

However the challenge comes after the 20th person comes up to you and asks about your transition.

Personally I've waited til after my working life.

I haven't found that to be the case with me. Although I'm happy to answer people's questions most people don't ask anything. I don't know if it's out of politeness or because they think they would get in trouble with HR. Almost everyone just gets on with their day and just treats me like any other employee.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I just wanted to add that whenever I have a moment like that I am reminded of a scene from National Lampoon's Vacation. Clark Griswold is standing by the pool getting undressed to go skinny dipping with Christie Brinkley and he says to himself several times, "This is crazy. This is crazy." And then he jumps in anyway.

So even if I'm thinking to myself that what I'm doing is irrational, I still push on. Because overall, I do feel better after each step taken. (So Far.):heehee:

[PretzelGirl]

I am early on and hear the same voice. In my left hand is "Why me?" and in my right "Am I really doing this?". The first was always a weak voice. The second has been getting quieter and quieter as I advance on.

[vikki2020]

You do have to stop,and pinch yourself sometimes,huh!? Catch yourself smiling, for no apparent reason? Yeah---me too! Cheyenne,-- nice to hear that this is going well for you! It's been about 2 months for me, that the ball has really started to roll, and the momentum has given it a lot of "speed". Not too fast,though, that I'm not enjoying the ride. But,yes--I'll just stop, and say "wow"--this IS happening! (finally!)

[Angela Campbell]

I haven't found that to be the case with me. Although I'm happy to answer people's questions most people don't ask anything. I don't know if it's out of politeness or because they think they would get in trouble with HR. Almost everyone just gets on with their day and just treats me like any other employee.

I have experienced the same thing except people come over and ask me how I am doing and are actually more friendly than beforehand.

[Madie]

I think that feeling of "am I really doing this? I hope i'm making the right decision" definitely resonates with me, and a number of others i'm sure. I have a few trans friends late into theit transitions and they say those feelings never really go away. Even as I start hormones that feeling sometimes creeps in.
Opening the floodgate of coming out was definitely a point of no return as well. I knew once I told my mother there would be no stopping it or going back, she is the biggest gossip around. Definitely stressful! but you know, I think it's worth it to me, to push on, I'm happier now all ready, hopeful for the future and wouldn't go back to before.
Good luck to you.
Hope that didn't come off as regretful- those feels of worry are always overwhelmed by excitement and happiness, and as vikki said, I do have to pinch myself now and then. dream come true indeed.