TS, Dating, distrust

[sandra-leigh]

So I've been on dating sites lately, and every time a guy or a woman tells me that I am pretty or beautiful, I feel like they are at the very least "being kind", and maybe even outright lying. (Yes, I do recognize some "Imposter Syndrome" creeping in.)

A couple of them I have caught and outed as being scam artists ("... and remember, age and distance are no object..."). One of them has massively ripped off dozens of photos from a Japanese model, claiming to be a plain college girl who, amazingly enough, happened to get stranded in a refuge camp in Lagos Nigeria when her wealthy mother and father were killed in a rebel attack,

A skype discussion I am holding right as I type this was going okay-ish, but suddenly the person who has only used short sentences before came out with,


Although we just meet with the step of trust and willingness to begin this friendship i believe we are going to come out with a flying colour,you sometimes tell my friends who are around me that friendship is not who you know the longest it's who came and never left your side no matter what,doyou agree with me?

and I went, "Oh bother, another scammer." :(

The skyper at the moment is someone who found me by accident (so the claim is), and does not know about me being TS, but said "Wow,beautiful" to a slightly silly photo of me, and wanted to know why I was single, are the men over here not able to see the beauty he (says he) can see. And I'm saying to myself, "Uh huh. Pull the other one, this one's got bells on it."

On a couple of the dating sites I have a small number of guys hung up on me. Guys that know I am TS (because it says so in my profile) but come back and re-visit my profile a few times a day. Or in interactive chat, can only seem to say, "I am open to all propositions". I have had to write to some of them and tell them I won't chat with them unless they can hold up their end of a non-sexual discussion.

It isn't the sex itself that is the problem, it is more that these guys are boring. And the more alike these kinds of guys act, the more unreal it feels when they praise my looks.

Imposter syndrome. Yep. But is it any wonder, with my history? In my life, only three women have gone out with me; plus one friend of my then-girlfriend indicated that she wished she had gotten to me first. No-one else has gone beyond what might have been pro forma interest. One of the dating sites allows people to rate photographs, and over about 50 ratings I am averaging 5.1 out of 10, where it appears to take a badly blurred photo or a really obvious appearance issue to get below 6. More than 20 people bothered to vote to give me a mark below 5 instead of just skipping the homey girl. And I am to go from that to accepting that people might be sincere in calling me beautiful ??

So I end up distrusting people's motives, and I feel bad about myself.

[MatildaJ.]

Maybe try to get out and meet people socially, start volunteering, or take a class, or join a club? Most people on dating sites are going to waste your time, so you might be better off figuring out how you choose to spend your time, and trust that you'll eventually meet friends and possible dating partners that way.

[KellyJameson]

Absolutely agree with Jess M"s excellant advice.

Try to avoid building a relationship based on your outward appearance because superficial reasons to have a relationship will leave you feeling used and empty.

Make it about you first and your body a distant second.

Whatever your hobbies or interests are, go out and share them with others.

[DreamRin]

This is one of the reasons i'm a pansexual. For me relationships are about love, trust and synergy. Not being impaired by someone's exterior.
Dating sites are filled with bad people that want nothing but your body hence you can't form a bond with them!
There are real life alternatives which you could explore! South Brazil has a bitter taste

[sandra-leigh]

A moment ago I blocked a guy that kept visiting my profile several times a day, after writing to him to say that I will lift the block on Wednesday and after that if he wants to contact me that he better be prepared to hold up a conversation. Meanwhile I have told another guy that if all I wanted was a big penis then there are plenty of guys who live much much closer, and he is going to have to write something intelligent before I would have reason to pay attention to him.

So far, there have only been about two men who have been willing (able?) to hold longer conversations with reasonably equal contributions. In the same time, I have held long somewhat-meaningful (and much more fluid) conversations with at least 5 women.

I am not comfortable with talking to people based upon their appearance alone. However, there are some characteristics in their appearance that are telling: if all their photos have them sitting down-mouth staring off in the distance, wearing drab clothes, then one can deduce that they are not so likely to be interesting to interact with. It doesn't take much "social intelligence" to know that a dating profile is like a very short resume, and that one should post at least one picture in which one "looks alive". There have been women 10 years older than me whom looked to be more worth being with than some of the 18 year old women with "hotter" bodies.

It is not uncommon on the dating sites for the women to post little more information than their age and their primary language, and perhaps a single picture. Do I want to meet this or that woman? Darned if I know.

I do not have many hobbies that have not been moved onto the computer these days. For example I interrupted writing this posting to read more about the recent gravity waves discovery. Where do I find nerds who can shift between a few dozen fields in alternate sentences? On line, on line... Where do I already do rather quite a lot of volunteer work? On line, on line... Where has the weather been frigid and windy? Off line...

[Nicole Erin]

The best way to handle dating sites is YOU start the interaction. Just read thru their profile and look for something to start a conversation about. If they reply, you have a foot in the door.

My luck on dating sites is so-so. Three real-life dates out of maybe 15 women messaged. One lady i still date and has become a good friend. One was some emotional nut case who I went out with a couple times but it faded, and the third was nuttier than a squirrel turd and insecure about her weight. Though I was sad about not being able to date her, I may have dodged a bullet. I kind of messed up too though.

As far as I am concerned, once I have had at even one date with someone off a dating site, things are going well.

Men are boring and get this, men who date Ts want just one thing - a "Taste". Women who date us want various things from a relationship to FWB but never has a woman told me "I want a woman with a little extra".

Also, unless you specifically asked, people are probably being a least a little sincere when they compliment your looks. You are not ugly by any means. You are on par with the attractive level expected at that age.

The scammers - they are not worth a second look or thought. They are the true turds of the dating scene. If you saw what those scammers REALLY looked and acted like, you would be horrified. do NOT judge your dating success or ANYthing based on their feedback whether it is good or bad.

[MatildaJ.]

I do not have many hobbies that have not been moved onto the computer these days...Where do I find nerds who can shift between a few dozen fields in alternate sentences? On line, on line... Where do I already do rather quite a lot of volunteer work? On line, on line...

That's fine, then just mention where you live and try to find which of the people you've met live near enough to think about meeting in person.

I didn't mean to suggest it's about online vs. offline -- it's about meeting people who share your interests and are good, kind people, versus meeting people who are bored and just looking for a sexual thrill. (The latter are the kind of people you meet on dating sites, for the most part.)

[sandra-leigh]

I seem to have stumbled across a way to get a lot more attention. :o

Yesterday on a site, I temporarily switched from "Seeking Women" to "Seeking Women and Men" to read a specific profile. My own profile must have gone into more people's searches when I did that: in the three minutes I was reading that profile, two guys flagged that they wanted to meet me. I started looking at their profiles, and while I was doing that, more guys flagged that they wanted to meet me. Well, in the 20 or so hours since then, at least 22 guys have requested to meet me, which has taken my rated popularity from "very low" to "one of the most liked of the week" !!

At one point last night I was rotating through six different interactive chats, and that's after telling all but two of them that I was rather busy chatting, with another three having requested but been willing to wait when I indicated the chat overload.

Some of these guys are making the request to meet just based on my plain, not-doing-much face-only profile pictures, without having read my profile; some of them are taking the time to read my profile before making the request. So I've been specifically asking people to read my profile, which does mention me being TS. So far only one has dropped out of the conversation upon reading my profile, and he was polite about it.

My earlier equivalent experience with GG is that they tended to either be trans friendly, or else they just disappear from the conversation and never reply back to my messages inviting continuation even though they read the messages.

I am getting some guys who are deficient in conversational skills other than asking to see my private pictures. Good thing for me that earlier that day I had already resolved that I wasn't going to give access to those pictures anymore at least until some rapport had been built up through conversation.

Some of the guys are coming off somewhat "needy", some as "admirers"; and one of them I'm just waiting for the mention of $$$ millions in funds to be cleared out of the Middle East (I already turned down two four-star generals a few weeks ago; I can turn down a mere Sargent :hee: )

I haven't even had time yet to go through the profiles of each guy who has asked to meet me so far.

I am not expecting to Find Someone as a result of this; it amazes and amuses me. I do admit, though, that it does do my confidence some good that this many would think I look okay in my profile pictures; I was only Dressed Nicely in one of them (and I'm a bit silly in that one.)

[vikki2020]

Welcome to the Internet---you have to invent your own filter.

[JaneHenderson]

The real world is always the best...

[sandra-leigh]

In the "real world", I have gone on one date, total, over my entire life. That one was a distinct failure; we couldn't stand each other when we met.

There was also a time I really thought I was going on a date, but the woman I thought I was going on a date with didn't think it was a date; I had been asked on a date but it was by the other woman of the group, whom I thought was going with the other guy of the group. The one I thought I was going on the date with was a woman I really liked, which I believed was fairly obvious. I continued to see the one I really liked for a number of months, spending a lot of time with her; as far as I understood, we were Going Out Together without having explicitly said so. The day that I explicitly raised the topic, I found out that the woman I thought I was going out with was engaged ("back home") and hadn't realized that I really liked her... Is this complicated enough? :o That was in about 1983, and to this day I wish that proto-relationship had worked out. But that's what real life is like.

Real life... isn't that the story that has the plot where I re-connect with a woman from high school who confirms that back then no one was interested in me?

Or is real life the story in which, apart from recent dating sites, no-one had flirted with me since 1991?

I could go on. "Real life" is a whole lot of bare cupboard for me. If I end up filtering out 90% of the non-real-life people, that would still leave two more than I would have met otherwise.

[Ann Louise]

My limited experience in internet dating (OK Cupid) leads to:
1. Develop a very thick skin (check!),
2. Only respond to someone who's profile matches what YOU want, and do not respond to those profiles that don't, and
3. Drop those that disappoint you immediately, like a hot rock.

Good luck dear,

)*( Ann )*(