What to make of my male friend's comment?

[MzVanessa]

This incident happened about 3 years ago... But it changed our friendship and has bothered me ever since. I had a male friend who I had known since high school... We were good friends and did all the average guy stuff like play football softball and fishing together but at the same time... through a few conversations after a few too many beers... We had come to the agreement that we both found transsexuals and passable crossdressers very attractive... So I got the sense that he was a very open minded guy. One day I decided to try to come out to him about my cross dressing in a somewhat strategic way. I decided to show him a picture of me dolled up but I told him that my significant other at the time dared me to dress as a girl for Halloween and we decided to take a few pictures. I told him that it was a little weird at first but that I did somewhat enjoy it...and asked him if he wanted to see the pictures. He laughed and said "Hells yeah!" It seemed like he was ok with it so I pulled the pictures and showed him. The first words from his mouth were "Oh damn!", I think he momentarily forgot it was me and he immediately somewhat changed his tone, gave the pics back to me, and made the comment "That's scary... I can't look at those." I asked him what he meant and he refused to elaborate. I asked him again after a few days and once again all he could say is that he felt weird and that it was scary looking at those pics. Ever since that day our relationship changed... We hardly ever hung out anymore... But we still talk on the phone three or four times a year. I really don't know what to make of what happened. I hope maybe some of you can give me some ideas of what went wrong that day, if I shouldn't have done that, or if something similar has ever happened to anyone out there. My big regret is that I was probably dress a little too provocatively in the pictures in a sexy secretary type look with a very short skirt, 5 inch heels, and very heavy makeup, a look we had discussed we both loved on girls before the incident.

[Debra Russell]

Don't give up on him - good friends are hard to find. Try scheduling a "hang out" time - and let him lead the way : I have had that reaction from someone *and I looked fine* but the thought and knowledge kreeped him out - just forgot it and continued on. ............................Debra

[samantha rogers]

I would say there is a good chance he found you attractive and had no idea what to do with that feeling.

[Ezekiel]

My take is that he found you very attractive and got really scared. Now I have a question for you... why did you do this? Wanting to enjoy his attraction perhaps? Not to be offensive I'm just curious as to why you first agree that TG are very attractive and then you want to come out to him in that way? Theres something underlying here you are not saying perhaps?

Don't take my approach as confrontational please.

[queenie]

I would have to agree with Samantha. He knows you as purely your male self and now that you've brought this to light, it may be causing him to have other feelings which might not be comfortable for him to have. It's easy for him to like nameless TS and CD folk when he doesn't have to see or acknowledge any past or current masculinity. Perhaps him seeing you from both sides is causing him to question his own sexuality and is the reason for his withdrawl?

[MzVanessa]

To be honest... I always thought he a slight bit feminine, maybe a small chance he was gay even though he had a girlfriend... So I really hoped you would like to also start dressing up if he hasn't already. I was almost certain he would of not had the reaction he had and might in at least a small way want to become part of Vanessa's world. I would have loved to have him be attracted to me but I really was hoping for a "girlfriend" in him

[Annaliese]

The problem is when he saw the picture, he was attracted to the pictures, then he realized it was his bud, and he got scared, that he was attracted to you and you were coming on to him by showing him your picture. Hell I don't know, but these are some possibility. Send him a letter and ask him he might reply to that. Good luck.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Vanessa, my first and only thought was that he saw you dressed just as you.both had discussed and you nailed the look, and turned him on. Now he's probably thinking you showed him to in some way hit on him. I know how I would feel if my best friend made a pass at me. Ahhhh, as I'm running away. Have you told him that wasn't your intention, or was it?
I'm sure more talking will help.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[MzVanessa]

I guess that's somewhat what I also thought may have happened... That he found me attractive and it scared him. I was really hoping that with him he would find me attractive and it would be more of an advertisement for how fun cross dressing could be... Being that I had a slight suspicion... Obviously wrong... That he would like to transform himself.

Thanks for the reply Krystyn... But it definitely wasn't my intention to hit on him... But I guess I really don't want to admit to him "hey... I always thought you were a little feminine and would enjoy transforming too"

[Diana81]

I'm positive he liked you and didn't know what to say. He preferred to keep that for himself. I figure if he had somehow found them non-pleasant to look at he would have reacted in a different way.

Plus the choice of words is telling... scary? Scary how? If a man looks at me and he finds me disgusting he won't think about it as scary... So the scary part tells me that either he found you hot (which I think it is the case, since you are very attractive) or thought he would probably hit on you if you weren't his friend.

It's that "scary" I think, the way men find some TS and CD girls scary, because it scares them to think they would get "tricked" into one of them in a heartbeat, that's how attractive they find them(us).

[Cheryl T]

It's one thing to find CD's and TS's attractive (even hot and exciting) and another to find out that your best bud (sitting next to you) is the one in the photo.
It's a shock, a surprise and brings all kinds of mixed feelings. One day your bud is wearing smelly jeans and jacket from the fish he caught and the next he's in nylons and heels with a whiff of perfume.


You never know...maybe he just ran home and slipped into a nightie to figure it all out?????

[Julia Red]

I think you got friendzoned! :straightface:

He definitely found you attractive, but he tried not to think about it because it would be wrong to find his buddy attractive. It would be like seeing his sister or a picture of his mother when she was younger, both looking hot wearing sexy lingerie.

[suchacutie]

I agree with the comments but want to add a second perspective. The day I faced the fact, out of the blue, that I had an undeniable feminine self, the world changed. Luckily I had a fantastic wife at my (our) side helping me to see that I should not deny part of myself.
If your friend has privately started to cross that line, those pics of you showed him a very possible path to investigate that which he has held at arms length.

So maybe it wasn't you he only found attractive, but what he might have found scary was how easily you might be able to help him explore his femme self!

As he said,"scary"!

[MzVanessa]

LOL... That's hilarious Julia ... Friend zone. I wish I was in a friend zone... We would still be friends... We are in some awkward nowhere zone right now

And that's what I hoped for... That I could help him explore his own femme side... But it backfired

Diana... Thank you for you're insight and compliments... They mean a lot coming from someone as attractive and beautiful as yourself

[Wildaboutheels]

Impossible without actually seeing his face and body language when you showed him the pics.

Also both men and women will often nod and or agree with a friend or friends on some topics just to "keep the peace" because they do not want to rain on someone else's parade.

Without actually seeing the pic/s in question, it's hard to make even a BAD guess what he thought.

You obviously made him UNcomfortable and after 3 years, it might be very hard to fix.

[Tracii G]

Have a talk with him and ask him thats the only thing I know to do.

[Chari]

It is difficult to say what will set someone off in a different direction, especially when it is a good friend! As others here have said it is really in your friends head as to what he felt then and is feeling now. Good for you for trying to get over that moment, but admitting to him that you have a strong feminine side which you are comfortable with, and showing him pictures may have set his mind in a spin as he questions his own masculinity and where he is on the gender scale. IMO it is best to still keep in touch with him, but always keep the conversation light, always be there for him, until he brings up the photo incident. It may be "three bothersome years" for you, but for him, he may need a life time to adjust.

[kimdl93]

He probably guessed that this was not just your SO talked you into it. That's the trouble with trying to get to the truth by way of a lie. Your motives come into question.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Vanessa , I have a different suspicion . Your friend is a cd , a closet cd & the sight of you dressed as a woman sent up a defensive flag. You and your friend probably have much more in common than you realize . Peace, mel

[Madilyn A.]

I tend to agree with Melissa on this. There is more going on with your friend then you know. Yes, he found you attractive and has been smacked with a reality he was not expecting. Tell him you are troubled with the change in your relationship and ask him to explain.

[Michelle V]

That's a tuff one, it would be great if Melissa is correct and your friend IS a CD, wishful thinking, then again I believe all men have the potential to enjoy dressing up, some (like us) more than others. I believe if your friendship is worth saving honesty is always a good policy. If this friend is a real friend then he may understand you more than you think. If he also has issues with his personality or identity then he will have the right person to talk to and resolve some of his issues. In any case you may want to take the big step and address the subject more openly. Good luck, I'm sure we will all be wanting a follow up.

[Lucy Lou]

I understand how you feel. The only person I have ever told and even showed pictures of myself to is my sister who is really open minded. She accepted it and was very happy about it and we often talk about it. She even sent me some lipstick one time as I found it hard to find the right colour here.

I know that not everybody is as accepting as her and many people will say that they think it is Ok but when really faced with it they behave differently. It sounds to me as if your old friend found it too hard to look at you dressed like that, maybe he has an issue himself or maybe he found that he thought you looked too good and couldn't cope with that. It might be possible with time that he comes around or if you feel like telling him that you do it often then maybe he might find it Ok Or maybe not.

I have some friends who I would like to tell but know that I can't. My thoughts are with you. Best of luck, just do what feels right. Hugs Lucy xoxo

[dallasmann]

Agreed with those who say the 'discomfort' is from thinking 'f*ck, she's hot!' and not being sure about having that feeling and also not wanting to offend YOU by having had that feeling.

[Emogene]

Nothing really to base it on but the following popped into my head as I was reading your post.

My guess is that you are both heterosexual guys and he suddenly found himself physically attracted to you in your female role. I suspect that would be very off putting and shake a guy to his core if he had always regarded himself as a manly male hence his reluctance to touch. Also, that is such a personal shock to him, that he is unable to discuss it with you. Or, he may have had to re-evaluate his sexual preferences.

You might want to suggest that he sees a counselor.

Like I say, pure speculation!

[Stephanie47]

I don't see how you can deduce that your friend found himself physically attracted to you. You're friends for a long time and you think he may not have had some vibs as to your sexuality? You had discussions concerning a mutual agreement that some transsexuals and cross dressers are attractive. I've gone to some very tasteful sites where the cross dressers are drop dead gorgeous. His reaction may be the person in the picture is very attractive, and, you raise the issue it's you. Maybe, it's scary that a man he knows may make into a very attractive looking woman. Maybe he would not go any further because he did not want to find out his good long time friend is a cross dresser. Obviously he has had a lot of time to think about the conversation and the picture.

It could very well be the relationship has cooled because he has a mild aversion to cross dressers and he figures you are one. I know many people who would freely admit a cross dresser, a transsexual or a drag queen may look 'hot' or attractive, but, still be turned off by the fact a man likes to wear women's clothing.

[marshalynn]

I think he thought you were very hot looking in the picture and made him think he was a little gay for feeling this way, He did not know how to handle this feeling about you.. Marsha

[MzVanessa]

Thank you everyone for your input. I just feel like the friendship we had is a lost cause but like at mentioned at least we still talk on a phone here and there. I do get the feeling that he would be way too uncomfortable ever discussing the pictures ever again... and I guess thats's ok... lesson learned. I have a very tall dark and handsome neighbor who I have become somewhat friends with... having a beer here and there with... who just as myself recently became single who I'd love to have meet Vanessa... but other than what I assume is jokinly telling me I have hot legs when he's seen me out for a run... has never given me any indication that he's into girls like us... and has never seen me as Vanessa. From this experience with my good friend I really don't think I should try to cross the lines with any guy ever again. Is there a way to do it... is that definitelty always a no no?

[Wildaboutheels]

Risk/Reward?

Reward/Risk?

Watch just ONE episode of NGC's Brain Games and the answer to your question should become much easier.

[Beverley Sims]

I think he may found you strangely attractive.

Keep in touch and try to meet with him again.
Never mention your interest in dressing again to him.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Vanessa, That's like Ringing a bell, Before ringing the bell you have to ask yourself, Do I really want to ring this bell??
Because once you ring it , You just can't Un-Ring it.

[Chickhe]

...you changed the fantasy in to reality.... its one thing to talk about something and another to actually be within grasp of it.

[Alice Torn]

I don't know if it would be a good idea to bring it up again with him. It may be just re-opening a can of worms. leave well enough lone!

[Krisi]

Only your friend can tel you what went wrong that day. Call him and ask or better yet, meet somewhere for dinner or drinks. Go in drab.

[Lori Kurtz]

You already had shared the fact that you both found CDs and TSs attractive, but that was purely hypothetical. But then there you were in the pictures, and you say you were dressed in a particularly sexy way. You. Sexy CD you. So it makes sense that he could be struggling with how much you turned him on. As others have suggested, he might be gay and in denial about it. If, as you say, you're not interested in a sexual relationship with him, then you need to make that very clear to him. But first you have to look very deeply and frankly into yourself, and determine if you didn't have a latent desire for MzVanessa to have a real-life man appreciate her sexiness.

[lovetobedani]

I agree with Annaliese. He saw you as a female and was attrated to you. Then he realized that he was attracted to his firiend and he cannot allow anyone else to know that he was. He's keeping his distance from you because he cannot come to grips with hiis own feelings of attraction and the you're noit the same guys as he thought you were. Most others cannot process the fact that they like or love us for who we really are opposed to the way we look or choose to look.