dreamer_2.0
03-21-2014, 10:14 PM
I'm sorry if this post is a bit disjointed. It's been a very hard day and I'm trying to piece things together.
Over the last week my GD and depression have gotten extremely bad. A few days ago on the bus I was surrounded by women around my age who I deeply envied. I felt so trapped, the anxiety was building and I just wanted to explode, but kept my lid on. This morning however, perhaps aided by a poor sleep last night, I think I may have officially broke. I spent close to 45 minutes in the shower desperately trying to cry or find some form of release. Suddenly I lashed out and punched the wall hard then sank to my knees cradling my bruised but thankfully not broken hand.
I wandered around my apartment in a daze after this, periodically sitting on the couch or a chair just staring at nothing.
Today was a day off work and I had planned on visiting my parents for dinner and doing some laundry. That wasn't going to happen with my current state of mind so I called them to cancel. My dad answered and I apologized asking to reschedule. He asked what was up and if I was ok. I hesitated, unable to answer this simple question. He repeated the question with concern in his voice. After a few moments I answered, honestly, no I don't think I'm alright...and then the tears started flowing. He was now very concerned and asked if I wanted him to come over. I said yes and he left right away.
Crap I kept thinking to myself, what have I done? I can't tell him about this trans bullish*t. I'm not ready yet! Perhaps I could just talk about everything but being transgender.
He arrived a short while later and I told him how depressed I am and how I feel like such a mess. I've become a recluse, have lost contact with most of my friends, work at a soul-sucking job I hate which offers zero satisfaction aside from the paycheque. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing, have no ambition and no interest in anything the world has to offer. I feel completely disconnected from the family because I'm just so different from them (they're conservative Christian and I am most certainly not).
He assured me that a lot of this was all wrong and that I have accomplished a lot in various life adventures. Not many people fall into their dream job and often just have to roll with what life gives them. As for our family, we have our differences but I'm still loved very much. We talked about various high points I've had in my life but both agreed that the last few years or so I've been quite stagnant.
My dad is an intelligent man and questioned where this all came from and if there was some underlying connection. I froze.
After a long pause, I said I was about to tell him something that I didn't want him to ever know, at least not until I was ready to tell him. He said we didn't have to continue but I pressed on saying that there has been something beneath everything I've told him. Something that's been with me since childhood but never understood or believed it to be connected to the rest of my life.
I decided to test the water first, as I did with one of my sisters several months ago, and asked what his thoughts would be if I told him I was gay? He took a deep breath, looked at the ceiling and after a long pause finally said that he didn't know what he would think. He understood that many people chose to live that lifestyle and while he didn't agree with it he still loved me.
I nodded and told him that I wasn't gay but wished I would as it may make what I was about to tell him easier. I explained that after speaking with a couple therapists and hours researching that I've concluded I'm transgender.
He was vaguely familiar with the term and asked me to explain. I shared that I suffer from Gender Dysphoria, essentially hating that I'm male, and feel it's ruining my life. I emphasized that I do not want these feelings and that I just want to be a regular guy but based on experience and research that wasn't going to happen. There's no cure and it's lifelong as evidenced by my admitting these feelings have been around since childhood through all my highs and lows, it's always there.
Understandably, he didn't really comprehend this, I didn't expect him to. Fortunately he remained civil though questioned my choice to live this life.
I told him that, like homosexuality, this is not a choice and repeated that I do not want these feelings. I do not want this life and certainly do not want to be having this conversation with him.
It took him a while but I believe he eventually conceded that this wasn't a choice I've made for myself. He strongly suggested I seek alternate life paths or choose to live on despite these feelings as many people live on with their struggles. I explained that I've tried seeking alternatives with attempting to alleviate the depression by taking anti-depressants, exercising, eating healthy, ignoring or suppressing everything. But nothing has worked. The closest I've come to finding a "cure" is something called Reparative Therapy though there is no credible evidence that this is an effective treatment and is widely believed to do more harm than good.
If there was no cure, he asked, then what does that mean for me? I told him about HRT and a possible MtF transition. It was easy to tell how uncomfortable hearing this made him. He again suggested I seek alternatives but I repeated that after 32 years I feel as if I've run out of options. I explained that many men attempt to pursue a traditionally masculine life, get married, raise a family, but this often ends in ruin. Suicide is staggeringly high among transgender people and while I haven't made an attempt on my life...the thoughts are there and they're quite powerful.
I can't live like this I told him.
We discussed how the rest of the family would take the news as we've never experienced something like it. The closest we've come is a cousin of mine who is gay. My parents don't agree with his choices (I corrected him again saying this isn't a choice) but they still love him. But this? This is very different and will have a significant impact on everyone. This I agreed with and shared that I had already come out to one of my sisters months back and that her and her own family will support me completely.
My older sister on the other hand...
My parents are quite conservative but they're nothing like my oldest sister. She's very strict with her kids (small example being she's anti-Harry Potter as it promotes witchcraft). There is an extremely small chance of her accepting this news warmly. I expressed my fear in losing contact with my nieces and nephews. My dad said that was possible but they may come around eventually. Who knows though.
My dad also expressed deep concern over how my mother would respond. This is completely understandable as I'm their only son and they were so happy to have me after having two girls. He said that, for the time being like my older sister, we shouldn't mention anything. I agreed.
He was happy that I'm seeking help but wanted me to continue trying to find alternatives and even requested that I give Christianity another chance. I apologized and declined that request saying that religion has no place in my life. I grew up being a bible-thumper but started thinking for myself and came to my own conclusions about it.
Our conversation continued for a while and concluded with me saying how sorry I was for all this. I didn't want this burden and certainly don't want to share it. He appreciated the apology but said it wasn't necessary as he still loves me, no matter what.
With that, he got up, hugged me tightly and left.
Overall the conversation went better than I expected even if he doesn't fully understand what I'm going through. I acknowledged that he would probably need some time to process everything (heck, I'm still processing it and I've been working on it for around a year now!).
This conversation was a few hours ago and I'm still in a daze from it. I can't believe I told my dad...wow.
Over the last week my GD and depression have gotten extremely bad. A few days ago on the bus I was surrounded by women around my age who I deeply envied. I felt so trapped, the anxiety was building and I just wanted to explode, but kept my lid on. This morning however, perhaps aided by a poor sleep last night, I think I may have officially broke. I spent close to 45 minutes in the shower desperately trying to cry or find some form of release. Suddenly I lashed out and punched the wall hard then sank to my knees cradling my bruised but thankfully not broken hand.
I wandered around my apartment in a daze after this, periodically sitting on the couch or a chair just staring at nothing.
Today was a day off work and I had planned on visiting my parents for dinner and doing some laundry. That wasn't going to happen with my current state of mind so I called them to cancel. My dad answered and I apologized asking to reschedule. He asked what was up and if I was ok. I hesitated, unable to answer this simple question. He repeated the question with concern in his voice. After a few moments I answered, honestly, no I don't think I'm alright...and then the tears started flowing. He was now very concerned and asked if I wanted him to come over. I said yes and he left right away.
Crap I kept thinking to myself, what have I done? I can't tell him about this trans bullish*t. I'm not ready yet! Perhaps I could just talk about everything but being transgender.
He arrived a short while later and I told him how depressed I am and how I feel like such a mess. I've become a recluse, have lost contact with most of my friends, work at a soul-sucking job I hate which offers zero satisfaction aside from the paycheque. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing, have no ambition and no interest in anything the world has to offer. I feel completely disconnected from the family because I'm just so different from them (they're conservative Christian and I am most certainly not).
He assured me that a lot of this was all wrong and that I have accomplished a lot in various life adventures. Not many people fall into their dream job and often just have to roll with what life gives them. As for our family, we have our differences but I'm still loved very much. We talked about various high points I've had in my life but both agreed that the last few years or so I've been quite stagnant.
My dad is an intelligent man and questioned where this all came from and if there was some underlying connection. I froze.
After a long pause, I said I was about to tell him something that I didn't want him to ever know, at least not until I was ready to tell him. He said we didn't have to continue but I pressed on saying that there has been something beneath everything I've told him. Something that's been with me since childhood but never understood or believed it to be connected to the rest of my life.
I decided to test the water first, as I did with one of my sisters several months ago, and asked what his thoughts would be if I told him I was gay? He took a deep breath, looked at the ceiling and after a long pause finally said that he didn't know what he would think. He understood that many people chose to live that lifestyle and while he didn't agree with it he still loved me.
I nodded and told him that I wasn't gay but wished I would as it may make what I was about to tell him easier. I explained that after speaking with a couple therapists and hours researching that I've concluded I'm transgender.
He was vaguely familiar with the term and asked me to explain. I shared that I suffer from Gender Dysphoria, essentially hating that I'm male, and feel it's ruining my life. I emphasized that I do not want these feelings and that I just want to be a regular guy but based on experience and research that wasn't going to happen. There's no cure and it's lifelong as evidenced by my admitting these feelings have been around since childhood through all my highs and lows, it's always there.
Understandably, he didn't really comprehend this, I didn't expect him to. Fortunately he remained civil though questioned my choice to live this life.
I told him that, like homosexuality, this is not a choice and repeated that I do not want these feelings. I do not want this life and certainly do not want to be having this conversation with him.
It took him a while but I believe he eventually conceded that this wasn't a choice I've made for myself. He strongly suggested I seek alternate life paths or choose to live on despite these feelings as many people live on with their struggles. I explained that I've tried seeking alternatives with attempting to alleviate the depression by taking anti-depressants, exercising, eating healthy, ignoring or suppressing everything. But nothing has worked. The closest I've come to finding a "cure" is something called Reparative Therapy though there is no credible evidence that this is an effective treatment and is widely believed to do more harm than good.
If there was no cure, he asked, then what does that mean for me? I told him about HRT and a possible MtF transition. It was easy to tell how uncomfortable hearing this made him. He again suggested I seek alternatives but I repeated that after 32 years I feel as if I've run out of options. I explained that many men attempt to pursue a traditionally masculine life, get married, raise a family, but this often ends in ruin. Suicide is staggeringly high among transgender people and while I haven't made an attempt on my life...the thoughts are there and they're quite powerful.
I can't live like this I told him.
We discussed how the rest of the family would take the news as we've never experienced something like it. The closest we've come is a cousin of mine who is gay. My parents don't agree with his choices (I corrected him again saying this isn't a choice) but they still love him. But this? This is very different and will have a significant impact on everyone. This I agreed with and shared that I had already come out to one of my sisters months back and that her and her own family will support me completely.
My older sister on the other hand...
My parents are quite conservative but they're nothing like my oldest sister. She's very strict with her kids (small example being she's anti-Harry Potter as it promotes witchcraft). There is an extremely small chance of her accepting this news warmly. I expressed my fear in losing contact with my nieces and nephews. My dad said that was possible but they may come around eventually. Who knows though.
My dad also expressed deep concern over how my mother would respond. This is completely understandable as I'm their only son and they were so happy to have me after having two girls. He said that, for the time being like my older sister, we shouldn't mention anything. I agreed.
He was happy that I'm seeking help but wanted me to continue trying to find alternatives and even requested that I give Christianity another chance. I apologized and declined that request saying that religion has no place in my life. I grew up being a bible-thumper but started thinking for myself and came to my own conclusions about it.
Our conversation continued for a while and concluded with me saying how sorry I was for all this. I didn't want this burden and certainly don't want to share it. He appreciated the apology but said it wasn't necessary as he still loves me, no matter what.
With that, he got up, hugged me tightly and left.
Overall the conversation went better than I expected even if he doesn't fully understand what I'm going through. I acknowledged that he would probably need some time to process everything (heck, I'm still processing it and I've been working on it for around a year now!).
This conversation was a few hours ago and I'm still in a daze from it. I can't believe I told my dad...wow.