When did you stop hating yourself?

[dreamer_2.0]

Nothing long winded here. Just simply when and how after a lifetime of self-hatred did it stop?

[I Am Paula]

The day after I had made up my mind that transition was the only path. It started going away, as each day I chipped away at it. Finding a therapist, finding an Endo, and so forth.
The GD, and a lot of the self loathing really vanished about 2 weeks into HRT.

[LeaP]

I almost laughed out loud when I read your question. I didn't really realize I HAD stopped. Oh, I remember having flashes of positive feeling about myself, but really didn't notice that somewhere along the line I stopped loathing myself.

I don't know when, but it would definitely be after starting hormones, not before.

[Persephone]

I don't think that I ever really hated myself. I hated being "the boy left out" and "the boy who gets picked on" and "the boy who is different," but I don't think I ever really hated myself. And there are still some days when life, or some action or remark, will toss me into the sea of unhappiness, so maybe while it gets a whole lot better it never goes completely away.

But isn't that true for everyone, just on different topics? We may feel bad over transgender, but what is everyone else hiding? Feelings of inferiority over something else? And most of those folks too are contributing members of society who have built nice families, held decent jobs, etc. Maybe we just see those feelings only from our side of the mirror?

I do know that my life changed in a fundamental way when my spouse and my family accepted me and when I "came out" to my friends and most were O.K. with me just the way I was. A weight dropped off my shoulders and out of my life, I was no longer hiding a guilty secret in my closet.

Sure, their acceptance is a partial burden for them, and I sometimes feel bad about that, but then I realize that their willing acceptance of that burden means that they love me in a way that tells me that I'm worthy of that love, and that makes all the difference.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[kimdl93]

Good question. I think it was when I finally accepted that despite a life of denial and misgivings, I could actually present and live as a woman. For a long time prior to that I had tacitly accepted being a cross dresser, but never was able to fully embrace who I was nor how I wanted to live. Getting past that has made all the difference.

[KellyJameson]

I associate self hatred with acting self destructively from turning the hate inwards toward the self.

I have absorbed so much hatred from others growing up for "what I am" that for survivals sake I have struggled to be as nurturing toward myself as possible.

I did struggle with a profound sense of being "inadequate" so "less than others"

As I grew to understand the darkside of humanity with its superstitions, injustices, hypocrisies and irrational fears I came to understand how I was victimized by these and had my sense of being inadequate because I was different "created" .

I believe that some transsexuals are born and some are created but both have experienced trauma from being found "unacceptable" by societies standards so all have experienced rejection of their core self which they continue to reject as self hate.

You transition WHEN you stop rejecting yourself and to STOP rejecting yourself.

It is an act of personal acceptance that culminates in forgiveness for what humanity has done to you.

I have been transitioning since childhood through my fight for identity so it has been a struggle between me and the world at large for self actualization as "gender"

I always knew that I could become self destructive because that is what the world had taught me that it wanted of me, so I fought back through trying to find it's opposite experience which is self love as self acceptance,nurturance, honoring and respecting the self.

As a transsexual you have been victimized by the gender binary which is a meme built out of FEAR that has shaped your conception of self because you were not allowed "to be"

Look at how enraged some people get over raising children "gender neutral"

Everyone is invested in the gender binary as keeping the status quo.

Think about the hate injected into transsexual children that becomes self hate because of this.

Your self hate is not yours but it was put into you by others and it needs to be rejected through self acceptance of who and what you are.

You will need this self acceptance to carry you through transitioning to the degree you transition.

[Aimee20]

I can't really say that I ever hated myself. I hated the confusion, disconnection, depression, drugs, alcohol, other people and telling lies. I've accepted being transsexual since I was 7 or 8, but now 20 years later I'm doing something about it. Everything I can think of that could be considered as self hate for a trans woman is rooted in the external pressures and perceived judgement we witness.

[princessheather86]

I haven't.

[Felicia Dee]

I spent a lot of my life hating myself. It's EXHAUSTING. I'm not doing it anymore.

[Allison Chaynes]

I realized I hated others a lot more, and it was healthier to find positive ways to direct that energy towards constructive purposes. Besides, I am awesome. And so are you.

[GenieGirl]

Around 2 years ago, still have some hate I guess but it is sooo much better than the old me. Finally accepting myself was a huge changing point in my life. Meeting others like me and getting to know them has helped tremendously as well....still marching forward...in heels of course ^_^

Ginger

[Rachel Smith]

Dreamer grl please see my post here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?211396-the-turning-point the same applies. I just came across that thread first.

I will add that you need do something to get rid of those feelings of self-hatred before you end up in the emergency room like I did.

Persephone and Kelly are spot on here.

Hugs
Rachel

[noeleena]

Hi,

I never hated myself or my body i had wondered why i was born and being different , being different was not an issue or problem , i accepted that with out ? .

i was born with many other issues and that created more problems and getting through life was part of my issue, how i got through life ill never know and being a breath away from death did not help, and that was two times .

The issues i have are very frustrating and hard to work through, yet in many ways has made me a very strong woman, so as i see it with out the hardships frustrastons and the other detail with out going through that, i doubt id be here tell it like it is,

so ether you become strong or you end it, hey i still have my down days and get very frustrated, I spos the best way to say it is my brain works well in many aspects yet i fail time and time again in some things & that really does get to me and i wonder why i keep trying and keep going , family and friends help and they keep me Focused and Dejarn is really whats been my keep me alive detail, with out her ........

Shes just over 12 now, grandchild, yeap one neat lovely girl, i could not stand to lose her,,, she means too much to me,

...noeleena...

[PaulaQ]

About 7 months in - I look in the mirror now and realize that I like the woman who looks back at me. I've never felt that way before - my whole life I've detested the face in the mirror.

[arbon]

The things like depression, confusion, anxiety and self loathing gradually left the more I settled into my identity and was free to be myself.

[lovetobedani]

I don't know that I hate myself as much as hating that I wasn't born female.

[Chickhe]

It is not easy. Some days I feel like people hate me, I know I'm a good person, but when you face negativity sometimes you beleive you must be doing something wrong... but, I think my solution was to beleive in myself and to reduce the importance of what other people think. When I consider that my life is unique, nobody can fully understand me, so if they are wrong about me, it is because of their ignorance. At the same time, I judge others a lot less because I realize I don't know what led up to today in their world either... so, if you are contsantly moving towards your own goals and values, you deserve a pat on the back.

[Lori Kurtz]

I'm not sure if self-hate is quite the right word for my problem ... maybe it's more like a suspicion that I'm in some way perverted or weird. CDing was always a very solitary thing for me, which wasn't conducive to healthy relationships. This forum has helped me feel more comfortable with the reality of my CDing past. Thanks to everybody here for that.

[Rachael Leigh]

The question maybe should be is it hating oneself or hating what we do that seems to make us happy.
I say this because I've tried to overcome the self hatred and for the most part I have but what I do when I'm dressing it ends up hurting others I care for so than it becomes more about what I'm doing that actually about who I am.

[GabbiSophia]

I posted that I didn't hate myself ... I didn't realize that hating your situation and going through this is hating yourself ... so I haven't gotten over yet !!

[Mickey M]

I thought of myself as a freak, until I realized
I was happier even as a very part time Women.