Michelle789
03-23-2014, 06:36 PM
After a few therapy sessions, I've learned some things about myself. Many of my doubts about being trans have been cleared up, and I think she has a better picture of me too.
After some family drama that occurred last week and was causing me stress I really thought that it would eat into my therapy session and cause me to lose time talking about gender. This family drama may be the biggest blessing in disguise.
As I was talking with the therapist about my family dramas, it actually revealed a lot more about me and my gender identity than I thought. As it turns out my relationship with my mother is much more of a mother-daughter relationship than a mother-son relationship, and my mom probably does pick up on me giving off female energy. I think a lot of us send off vibes of our female nature, even though a lot of us hide it really well too. It's really a paradox.
My therapist also noted that I generally get affected way more by family drama than my brother, even though he lives at home and I live far away. It's because I'm oversensitive. A stereotypically female trait that my family sometimes doesn't understand. They sometimes can't understand if I live so far away from them why I am so affected by what goes on in the house.
They also seem to think that my brother bears the brunt of the family drama, which is not true. He lives at home so he sees the drama every day. He is experiencing first hand consequences of the drama, which isn't easy to handle. But I'm feeling it WAY deeper from far way. If all factors were equal, either I lived at home or he lived far away, I think my parents would get a much better picture of how I'm really feeling and understand that I do get affected by it much worse than my brother does.
I also realized why I fell for the psychic when I first met her almost 6 years ago. She recognized my female identity, as well as my being sensitive, something I feel like my family tries to be in denial of and say that my brother is actually more sensitive than me. The psychic actually read me quite well, and used it for her own agenda, to make a man out of me and save me from the curse of the devil which is where gender confusion comes from, according to her.
Back to therapy. I also learned a few basic personality traits that I have, which are mostly stereotypically female traits. I told her in my previous session that I relate to female characters in TV and movies. She asked me as a homework assignment to come up with a list of chracters and a list of qualities I identify with. I came up with sweet, sensitive, smart, and victim. 3 of these 4 are stereotypically female traits.
Also when my therapist told me that I had a lot of female energy, I just smiled and felt really great inside. This countered what the psychic told me 7 months earlier when she said that I had more male energy. The psychic sent me into a 3 hour paralysis-near-catatonic state. What does this tell me? I really am female. Telling me I have male energy made me feel sick and caused me to have lots of doubts about who I really am. Telling me I'm female made me feel way better. Both had an effect on me, but fundamentally different.
She also told me that we're going to work on getting me to trust my own intuition, since I have a bad habit of giving all my power away to someone else like I did with the psychic. She has a few ideas as to why I haven't yet transitioned, which we'll talk about hopefully in the next session. I have a few ideas too.
Another thing this family drama (which involves relatives too) revealed is why my mom in particular is so biased towards boys. I actually figured this one out after the therapy session. I will tell my therapist on Wednesday about this. In a nutshell, she had a very bad relationship with her older sisters and a very good relationship with her brother, so her perception is that men are inherently nicer than women. This is a sad perception caused by a few (one in particular) really bad seeds. My aunt was the girl from hell, she was a horrible human being on every level. Sadly this left a permanent scar on my mom about women. My mom isn't at all like her sisters, she's a lot more like my grandma was. I think my mom's always saying how she's biased towards boys affected me a lot, as it places a lot of guilt on me to stay male. My dad also played a role because he wanted me to be the perfect son. The psychic telling me that I have more male energy, and that she sees more male incarnations in the future, and that gender confusion comes from the devil, doesn't help either. Not to mention the guilt and stigma of being trans. Add to it that I get so swayed easily by other people that comments from others cloud my judgment.
These are some of my theories. I think I'll compare notes with my therapist next time and see if we match on our ideas.
After some family drama that occurred last week and was causing me stress I really thought that it would eat into my therapy session and cause me to lose time talking about gender. This family drama may be the biggest blessing in disguise.
As I was talking with the therapist about my family dramas, it actually revealed a lot more about me and my gender identity than I thought. As it turns out my relationship with my mother is much more of a mother-daughter relationship than a mother-son relationship, and my mom probably does pick up on me giving off female energy. I think a lot of us send off vibes of our female nature, even though a lot of us hide it really well too. It's really a paradox.
My therapist also noted that I generally get affected way more by family drama than my brother, even though he lives at home and I live far away. It's because I'm oversensitive. A stereotypically female trait that my family sometimes doesn't understand. They sometimes can't understand if I live so far away from them why I am so affected by what goes on in the house.
They also seem to think that my brother bears the brunt of the family drama, which is not true. He lives at home so he sees the drama every day. He is experiencing first hand consequences of the drama, which isn't easy to handle. But I'm feeling it WAY deeper from far way. If all factors were equal, either I lived at home or he lived far away, I think my parents would get a much better picture of how I'm really feeling and understand that I do get affected by it much worse than my brother does.
I also realized why I fell for the psychic when I first met her almost 6 years ago. She recognized my female identity, as well as my being sensitive, something I feel like my family tries to be in denial of and say that my brother is actually more sensitive than me. The psychic actually read me quite well, and used it for her own agenda, to make a man out of me and save me from the curse of the devil which is where gender confusion comes from, according to her.
Back to therapy. I also learned a few basic personality traits that I have, which are mostly stereotypically female traits. I told her in my previous session that I relate to female characters in TV and movies. She asked me as a homework assignment to come up with a list of chracters and a list of qualities I identify with. I came up with sweet, sensitive, smart, and victim. 3 of these 4 are stereotypically female traits.
Also when my therapist told me that I had a lot of female energy, I just smiled and felt really great inside. This countered what the psychic told me 7 months earlier when she said that I had more male energy. The psychic sent me into a 3 hour paralysis-near-catatonic state. What does this tell me? I really am female. Telling me I have male energy made me feel sick and caused me to have lots of doubts about who I really am. Telling me I'm female made me feel way better. Both had an effect on me, but fundamentally different.
She also told me that we're going to work on getting me to trust my own intuition, since I have a bad habit of giving all my power away to someone else like I did with the psychic. She has a few ideas as to why I haven't yet transitioned, which we'll talk about hopefully in the next session. I have a few ideas too.
Another thing this family drama (which involves relatives too) revealed is why my mom in particular is so biased towards boys. I actually figured this one out after the therapy session. I will tell my therapist on Wednesday about this. In a nutshell, she had a very bad relationship with her older sisters and a very good relationship with her brother, so her perception is that men are inherently nicer than women. This is a sad perception caused by a few (one in particular) really bad seeds. My aunt was the girl from hell, she was a horrible human being on every level. Sadly this left a permanent scar on my mom about women. My mom isn't at all like her sisters, she's a lot more like my grandma was. I think my mom's always saying how she's biased towards boys affected me a lot, as it places a lot of guilt on me to stay male. My dad also played a role because he wanted me to be the perfect son. The psychic telling me that I have more male energy, and that she sees more male incarnations in the future, and that gender confusion comes from the devil, doesn't help either. Not to mention the guilt and stigma of being trans. Add to it that I get so swayed easily by other people that comments from others cloud my judgment.
These are some of my theories. I think I'll compare notes with my therapist next time and see if we match on our ideas.