concerns

[jessica2009]

So i came out to my SO about 1 1/2 years ago, very accepting and couldnt be happier.

However their seems to be a slight problem... She is still bothered by the fact i did not come out to her when we got married. i explained why i could not tell her until recently and accepted that, or at least made it sound like. She has it in her mind that it was something; and thats not the case! I did not tell her in fear of well... her leaving. either way , ive tried assuring her and apologize for my ..umm late coming out... this is more of a rant/possible advice to tell me SO.
thanks all!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica, The ball is in her court now just show her how much you love her and don't overwhelm her with Jessica.

[Cheryl T]

The fear of losing her was probably a huge motivator at the time.
I was in a relationship years ago and close to marriage. I decided to bare all and when I did she turned and ran, never looking back. It was a huge blow and that is why when I met my wife I consciously decided to never tell her. I didn't want her to do the same thing.
Well, years later she found out and had that same question ... 'why didn't you tell me?'.
Fear is a great motivator....

[Katey888]

Jessica,

I think you have to give it time - relationships develop and change; people develop and change... there may be things that occur to her now that didn't 18 months ago or there may be changes in your behaviour that have changed subtly that have triggered further questions for her.

Give it time and continue to be open and honest with her - you have that advantage - keep reminding her that you did tell her when you did...

Is it possible there is something else in your circumstances that have initiated this? Sometimes we believe it's one thing but there may be some other underlying issue...?

Good luck! :hugs:

Katey x

[Chari]

That issue as to when to tell, has always been a tough call. For some partners, it is a "special secret that should have been disclosed before any commitment was made", while others, no matter when the secret is revealed, fully accept, understand, and help in learning more about the "secret", even though the "packaging" has changed. With the "cat out of the bag", it is IMO best to go slow, but be quiet & firm, and perhaps in time she may start to accept some part of "Jessica". Enjoy.

[Kate Simmons]

If a couple is a true team, they will work things out. If not, it's anyone's guess what will happen.:)

[MsVal]

I've been married for nearly 30 years to a wonderful woman that is loves me and is easy to love.

I made my disclosure ~6 months ago. It did not go well, but we are still in love.

In her mind, I am wrong. I do not want to sound flippant or dismissive when I say that at one time or another in all those years I have been wrong about a number of things. Being wrong about something is not the same as being bad, evil, repulsive, or some other highly negative adjective.

Mistakes will be made, bad things are going to happen; it's what you do about them that counts.

My advice is to accept that she thinks you're wrong. It is probably not the first time, it certainly won't be the last time, and you'll end up doing more damage by defending your "wrongness". Be attentive to doing the right things. Demonstrate your love in unmistakable ways. This probably won't fix it; you will still be wrong, but she knows that you're also overlooking her "wrongness" and love her anyhow.

Marriage is a team sport. If the team doesn't win, nobody wins.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Beverley Sims]

I come out with things in conversations that happened before I got married, it is something that is brought to mind after a particular discussion.
The mind is stimulated and you remember a situation from long ago.
This always breeds mistrust and the comment, "why didn't you tell me before?" always comes up.

Why? well I didn't remember it till now.
Dressing is different because it is a deliberate omission but consider it a tactical omission that you have to deal with later in your relationship.

[MatildaJ.]

Can't one say that the urges were strong in adolescence, but then they seemed to go away, until recently, when they came back even stronger? To me, as a GG, that would make sense.

[AnnaBMarie]

Over the past few weeks I've noticed quite a few posts centered around the timing of telling our SO's. A central theme seems to be in many (if not most) cases, it's almost always the wrong time in the relationship to share this side of our personality.

So this begs the question, just exactly when is the appropriate time? On the first date? Before the point that one of you falls in love? Just before (or just after) the marriage proposal? Recognizing that every single case is unique and completely dependent on the acceptance level of the partner, I'm struggling to figure out what the rules should be.

Like many here I waited until a year into the marriage, which was far too late and it generated the very common sense of distrust if not outright betrayal. This is very perplexing.

[Nadine Spirit]

Telling one's SO that you are a cross dresser can be cause for some big discussions. That is a large topic that can involve some long, open, & honest conversations. It really is enough to just talk about that. When should you do it? My only advice is early in the relationship. When early? Dunno. When you are discussing other things like, are you religious, do you want children some day, how do you handle your personal finances. You know, all of those topics that should be discussed before making commitments to another.

Unfortunately many folks do not do it then and they wait. You then automatically have two topics to discuss, cross dressing, and honesty/trust issues. With the honesty/trust issues often being the bigger concern.

That sounds to me what you are now dealing with Jessica, the trust issue. That is the thing that takes time to repair/prove. You can say it all you want, but only time proves that to be true or false. My advice? Be consistent with your words & honesty from now on, and give it what it takes, time.

Good luck & good for you for eventually coming out to your SO. :)

[Lorileah]

So this begs the question, just exactly when is the appropriate time? On the first date? Before the point that one of you falls in love? Just before (or just after) the marriage proposal? Recognizing that every single case is unique and completely dependent on the acceptance level of the partner, I'm struggling to figure out what the rules should be.


You want my personal opinion? When you see that the relationship appears to be going to a permanent thing. Sort of like when do you say "I love you"? The first date would be wrong usually, the fifth date maybe? After marriage seems too late and in my case when you lose them is definitely the wrong time. The best time is before you get to where things have a point of no return, before you get engaged, before you buy a ring (or house), before you give your SO the impression that you can live without it. I say early so that she can make up her own mind as to if she can live with it forever. Which would hurt less for you. losing her early in the relationship or after you have invested a year or more of your life? Works both ways. She may be mad early in the relationship, she may even leave you but that will hurt you both less than 10-20 years later and you can both move on to better things.

[PaulaQ]

I'm amazed at people's expectation of honesty over a matter that is nearly universally treated so unfairly. If we could be honest all of our lives, without fear of repercussions, it'd be a lot easier to come out.

[looking_good]

This may seem basic, but I would guess this has raised her concerns about trust. A reasonable reaction to this news would be 'what else are you not telling me?' More dialogues about her reactions to your news with some open questions about re-building trust may help?

Are there any upside or benefits in this for her?...a difficult task, I know...my SO pointed out that this was evidence that I could be trusted to share some of my very personal details...even ones that may be, ummmm, unflattering in some eyes....

[Christy Diane]

I know that ever situation is different, but 18 months is a short time. It took my wife (and myself) almost 5 years to come to terms with my being a CD. If she is still with you, and let's you know that she loves you I believe it will turn out OK. Just give it time. The only thing I'll caution against is sweeping CDing under the rug.

[Chickhe]

The way I explain that sort of thing, becuase it true... When I got married I didn' t understand it or myself enough to educate anyone else on the topic... I'm sure you can find things your wife wasn't completely open about when you got married...maybe details about past boyfirends or her secret love of chocolate... its all under the bridge now, you are better off dealing with the present and future.

[Teresa]

Hi Jessica,
Before coming out to a partner we have to come out to ourselves ! We have to accept that whatever causes our CDing is not going away, maybe some think when we fall in love and marry it will go away. Its very difficult to be honest with yourself when you're living with shame and guilt. There is never a right time to come out to your partner but it is strange when reading through posts that I like many do it in their forties.

[reb.femme]

Can't one say that the urges were strong in adolescence, but then they seemed to go away, until recently, when they came back even stronger? To me, as a GG, that would make sense.

I met my wife when we were in our early teens and this part of has grown over the years that we've been together. Telling her I liked the odd solo session with her clothes would definitely have put me in the pervert section in the 70s. As per Jess above, it seemed to wain but came back slowly over the years.



I'm amazed at people's expectation of honesty over a matter that is nearly universally treated so unfairly. If we could be honest all of our lives, without fear of repercussions, it'd be a lot easier to come out.

Paula, you nailed it for me. I didn't really consider what I was doing, something that I would like to share with the world for fear of being ridiculed out of existence. It was only with the advent of the net and being able to see that I am one of many, that made me feel only two years ago, that I could share this part of me with my wife. No deliberate idea to deceive from the outset, just society never accepted people like me.

Rebecca

[Taylor Ray]

You want my personal opinion? When you see that the relationship appears to be going to a permanent thing. Sort of like when do you say "I love you"? The first date would be wrong usually, the fifth date maybe? After marriage seems too late and in my case when you lose them is definitely the wrong time. The best time is before you get to where things have a point of no return

Yes I agree with Lorileah on this one.

The "official" time was of course set (as a precedent) by none other than Johnny Depp in his portrayal of Ed Wood in the Tim Burton film of the same name:

Stuck on a carnival ride with the beautiful Kathy O'hara (played by Patricia Arquette), Ed Wood realizes that he "really likes" this gal, and by golly,

"I just love the feel of a soft Angora sweater!!!"

[devida]

I have to use Dan Savage's response to when in the course of a relationship you tell someone you are critically different, because, for example, you are hiv positive, you are kinky and really only get off if you are spanked, or, wow, you used to be another gender or, in this case,you are a cross dresser. He says this is a superpower. You telling it to the other person tells them one thing about you but their response tells you everything about them. Why ever would you want to live with someone who does not accept you for who and what you are? And if who you are is the person who some time in the past could not tell them you did not conform to gender expectations that is still who you are or were. Now, presumably you are not so scared. Isn't that a good thing? Tell them to get over it, or don't...and deal with the consequences of that decision. Man up, woman up or whatever, just stop wussing up!! Trust demands mutual acceptance and mutual honesty. Cross dressing is not a relationship extinction event unless the person with whom you are in a relationship determines that it is. In which case you can just consider it their excuse to get rid of you! And you can thank them for it as they head out the door.

[kimdl93]

The way I explain that sort of thing, becuase it true... When I got married I didn' t understand it or myself enough to educate anyone else on the topic... I'm sure you can find things your wife wasn't completely open about when you got married...maybe details about past boyfirends or her secret love of chocolate... its all under the bridge now, you are better off dealing with the present and future.

I think this is particularly true for CDrs. We often don't know what we "are", and many times a budding romance will distract us from this often deeply repressed need. Why you didn't tell needs to be set aside along with the "why" you need to dress. Its difficult ...maybe impossible to give a fully accurate answer to either question.

[MatildaJ.]

To add to the discussion about when is the right time:

When you have a small box of clothes that comes out once a year, and otherwise lives in the back of a closet at your place (where she has never spent the night), then it may be too early.

When you want to hang your girl clothes in the closet the two of you share, you definitely should have told her by now.

[Marcelle]

As many of you know I am an advocate of only "you" the CDer knows when it is the right time to tell your SO. For me I was married for 24 years before spilling the beans not because I was afraid or wanted to purposely hurt my wife but because I did not truly understand. It did get to a point where I could not cope and so voila . . . the reveal. Jess's comment above rings true for me.

Jessica, I truly believe your wife is most likely experiencing some trust issues now and it is manifesting itself in her comments. I would keep the communication open and continue to discuss. My recommendation is deal with this now before it becomes the 500 pound elephant in the room.

Hugs

Isha