Fighting the desire to tell

[CarlaWestin]

I work with a lovely young (30) lady that is just a pleasure to be around. She is well aware of my love and appreciation of retro fashion from the 40's-60's. I have to be careful when others are present that I don't gush too much girl talk. I know from conversations that she has no issues with other's lifestyles and is openly accepting. She once made the comment about a CD friend that she advised, "If you're going to wear makeup, spend the money on the good stuff." I'm almost sure that she has wondered if I'm a CD. So, I entertained the exhilarating idea of doing the "You have to promise me that this is just between you and me" thing and showing her some of my Carla pictures. I soon decided that I must stick to my set in stone rule of non disclosure unless I need diversity leverage. So, for now she just has a fashion friend. Heck, she probably knows anyway. Is my urge to show her Carla just an ego driven showboat thing? Am I just craving that OMG moment?

[Ressie]

I'd say it depends on how much you fear the word getting spread around.

[Anna H]

I'd be careful myself if it needs to be kept secret. 30 sounds 'old enough'
but that's a Pretty Big secret for someone so young to hold onto.

You just OMG'ed me with the picture. Nice stockings! ;)

[Jenny Elwood]

She may have her suspicions already, but hasn't worked up the courage to ask. Hang back a bit and see if she asks. Though we'd all like to have a friend and confidant, it's not worth the damage it can do to your reputation at work.

[Adriana Moretti]

Is my urge to show her Carla just an ego driven showboat thing? Am I just craving that OMG moment?.....it could also be the desire to want a friend...who is a girl....kinda like a girl friend...only better LOL. Sounds like a good friend...and it also sounds like she knows....she may be 30....but young people are far more accepting too....AND the word CD has came up in conversations already? She just may of figured that out. Its the WORK thing thats the tough part though . Can it hurt you there?

[Teresa Monsivais]

What I have noticed about myself in wanting to tell others about my crossdressing is that I kind of find it exciting talking about it. Sometimes in a turn on kind of a way, even with people who know about my crossdressing. Other times it's wanting to share this about me with people who I consider a good friend/coworker because we share something in common (i.e. love for shoes) and would love to share my thoughts and experiences about it or wanting them to know who I really am. However, the risk is to great and I have to sometimes slow my roll and be happy with the way things are.

[Sheila11]

I think it is human nature to want to:

1. Share a big secret with someone special.
2. Have a friend and confidant.

That said, they also want to:

1. Share a big secret with someone special.
2. Have a friend and confidant.

Can you keep a secret?

[Jaylyn]

So far it's been enough to only have my wife and all 200,000 on here know my little secret but sometimes when I'm with friends I almost want to tell some of them. It does seem like a secret that is exciting and we'd like to share. It helps relieve some of the excitement by just typing in here. I am retired so probably wouldn't hurt my old work place, but in a small town it is just not looked upon as something that's shared. Texas has many CDs but most of them are in the bigger towns. I wouldn't trade for my life in the country but sometimes would enjoy a friend to dress and visit with, hence all of you on here is why I hang around.

[Tina_gm]

I have the same urge to tell certain people who I feel would be ok with it. It is not the fear of their acceptance, but that it would be too big of a secret and would start a chain reaction of this is between you and me leading to eventually everyone knowing and having a negative backlash on my wife and kids.

[dana digs sweaters]

What is to be lost???
What is to be gained?
Your employment?
Personal happiness?............

[NicoleScott]

Is my urge to show her Carla just an ego driven showboat thing?

Twenty plus years ago I told three women who were good friends, no romance between us. They moved and/or I moved, so we are no longer in touch. Looking back, I have been wondering what compelled me to disclose my CDing to them. After years of dressing in private, I felt the urge to go out and be seen by strangers. Maybe that wasn't enough for my ego, and I needed someone closer to me to know and see. I guess it was all about acknowledgment and appreciation for my efforts. In any case, I'm sure it was always about ME, and not about the relationship with the others.

I like to show my pictures to others, like to a wig shop clerk. It's nice to hear compliments. But I always ask first. Some people, especially those who are personal friends as opposed to store clerks who are not personal friends, may be accepting of our CD status but don't want to see pics for some unknown reason. Maybe the same reason some wives are accepting of the husband's CDing and allows private dressing but doesn't want to see it. So if you are going to tell, I would not choose showing pics as a way of telling. I came out to my wife by expanding on a conversation she started about CDers in a magazine article she was reading. I was ready to shut it down if I sensed non-acceptance, but she was very accepting, even encouraging.

[Erica Grace]

I find that I am constantly fighting the desire to tell people my secret. I told one person (my GF) and her reaction was great. Just want to feed off that energy and tell more people but it is best to wait a bit and see if that is really the best decision to make. You can always tell more people later, but once someone knows they know for good.

[PaulaQ]

Being in the closet, completely alone and isolated, was one of the worst things I've experienced. I can understand the desire to tell - this is an awful and lonely secret to keep.

[Annaliese]

No it not ego, it just being tired of hiding, wanting at least a small part of the world to know you, who you are.

[bridget thronton]

Unless you are fully out - work friends may not be the best folks to share a secret with,

[Christyheely]

There can be a lot of shame we hold onto for years and telling someone who accepts you releases that shame. I have told almost every family member and friend and even my clients and not had any real issues. I feel proud of who I am now because of this. If you do decide to tell her I would suggest not doing it at work. I wouldn't put her on the spot at the photo copier etc.!

[roxielives]

I would guess that she knows anyway. And at 30 years old I also would think it's a fairly safe bet that if she couldn't keep the secret in, she would choose to spill it to someone outside of work that you don't know so as to not put your career at risk. Plus she would know that you haven't told anyone else at work so if it got around and back to you, you would know she betrayed you. But still....a "fairly safe bet" is still a gamble. Guess it comes down to risk vs. reward.

[Katey888]

Carla,

You've verbalised that desire to share I think most of us have...

Some of it might be ego: you want validation - for Carla to be known and appreciated by someone else; someone who is and could be, a friend...

I might consider sharing with a complete stranger (like you lot... :heehee:), an SA or counsellor.
I might share with a close friend if I was prepared for the risk of having that friend reject me.
I would never, ever share with anyone I was currently working with...

Business and pleasure really don't mix - all sorts of unpredictable consequences could happen... :facepalm:

Nice dress... :)

Katey x

[lovetobedani]

It's been my experience that sometimes the less someone knows about you at work the better you are. I try to segragate my personal life from my professional life. I wouldn't tell her nor would I show her pictures. However if she were to ask you I wouldn't confirm or deny it either. It's always best to keep them wondering.

[Chickhe]

Do you already have a personal relationship with this person out side of work? if not, then is your disclosure going to benefit your working environement. ...but, if this is a person you do have some sort of relationship with out side of work then intruduce her to your other self in a fun way....going to a halloween party or something.

[sherri]

Numerous times I've had to struggle to keep from telling someone I'm close to. It might be a particular person, or just a general need to share myself with someone I have a meaningful relationship with. It has nothing to do with ego or shock value. I just feel the absence of intimacy and resent the unrelenting need for secrecy. It's not fair, dammit.

[sanderlay]

I think your "...set in stone rule of non disclosure..." would be best in this case. The consequences are just not worth a maybe reward. Your friend might just think you have a talent for fashion. But I would be very careful how much you talk in a work place. Not everyone understands.

Keeping a secret that big is hard. Just think for a moment how hard it would be for her if she knew your secret?

[Beverley Sims]

Carla,
Maybe you are, a decision by you and set in stone for obvious reasons should remain that way.
If she comes up with the dressing subject leave it go until you know for certain that it won't go much further.

Remember the only successful crimes are the ones you commit yourself and keep to yourself.

[sherri]

Keeping a secret that big is hard. Just think for a moment how hard it would be for her if she knew your secret?Excellent point.

[ReineD]

If she were strictly a friend outside of work then I'd tell, but I wonder about the wisdom of sharing something so personal with a co-worker, even more so if there's an age difference between you. Don't forget that a lot of people outside this community have a vague idea that the CDing is a fetish. This might not be how this girl thinks about it though ... I don't know.

But even if you do eventually decide to show her pictures, I'd choose a different picture to show ... although that pic is fine for this forum. You don't want to show a younger coworker, a somewhat suggestive pic (tight short dress with the tops of stockings showing). She might get the wrong idea about your motives. In my opinion.

If you're into 40s style fashions, I think it would be harmless to show someone a picture of you maybe dressed like this seamstress. There is nothing sexual about these, but they are feminine:

http://storyofaseamstress.blogspot.com/2011/02/1940s-dress-finished.html

Or if you do want to show her pics of that dress, then I'd choose other stockings than thigh highs with the tops showing. I am not wanting to offend but rather looking at it from a non-CDer POV.

[MsVal]

You're right to keep it to yourself Carla, at least until you are prepared for a general disclosure.

A work colleague has no reason but personal integrity to keep it quiet. Given a motive, that integrity can vanish in an instant.

I'm not an expert, in fact I seldom know what I'm talking about, but it seems to me that disclosures should begin with those that are closest to you and have the greatest incentive to keep it quiet. Enemies would be last, with work colleagues not far ahead of them.

Great photo. I like the clever use of the mirror. I like it a LOT.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Teresa]

Hi Carla,
There are so many reasons why we want disclose our Cding and usually to GGs, if she was nearer your age you might get away with dropping it in a conversation ( but no pics !) but at thirty she won't understand CDing and its implications and she will put her slant on it before passing it on, lets face it she mentioned the CDing friend to you.

[kimdl93]

I guess there are two needs to consider. Do you have a need for a confidante? She may or may not be the right choice. Maybe not since you work together.

Then the second need...does she need to know? Probably it's of no value to her at all.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Carla, you got very good advise from some very wise girls. " Just say no " to your impulse. You have too much invested at work to permit such a reveal . Peace, mel

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Carla, Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell -- You can't un-ring it.

[CarlaWestin]

Much thanks to all of you for the timely advice. I believe the pink fog shows up in many different forms. One of which is the desire to just tell someone who is perceived as being accepting. I've decided that if she asks me point blank if I CD, I'll answer with a verbal "no" and a facial expression that says "maybe". So, what if she says something like, "because I would love to do your makeup!"

...........(pause)..........

OK, I'm back. That was just a fantasy. Like that could ever happen. I barely have enough private Carla time so arranging that would be ridiculous.
Oh, and thanks for the compliments on the image. My avatar was from that adventure. You should see the outtakes.

[Claire Cook]

[QUOTE=CarlaWestin;3471637]Much thanks to all of you for the timely advice. I believe the pink fog shows up in many different forms. One of which is the desire to just tell someone who is perceived as being accepting. I've decided that if she asks me point blank if I CD, I'll answer with a verbal "no" and a facial expression that says "maybe". So, what if she says something like, "because I would love to do your makeup!"
QUOTE]


Carla, this is obviously your call given the work situation. For whatever reason, I do tell people about my CD'ing, including several GG's at work. Maybe I've been lucky, but there have been no negative repercussions. If it were me and she asked me that , I'd probably blush and say "You found me out, hon". But I'm not ....

[Ressie]

To me the answer might be to interject something about CDing into a conversation and see how she reacts. But since this is someone you work with I wouldn't go there at all.