Stopping Here for Now

[Suzanne F]

I posted a similar thread in the other forum but should have come here first. As many of you know I have been out to my wife for about a year. I identify as transgendered and have started in my journey. I go out as Suzanne on a regular basis and have come out to about 10 other friends. I have many friends in the city who only know me as Suzanne. I also meet many ladies from this forum and a support group regularly.

My wife has been supportive but has struggled. I would like to be totally out but she does not agree. I would also tell my son but she does not want to do this yet. we have struggled but love each other very much. I am telling my daughters from a previous marriage when I see them next month.

I have decided that this is enough for now. I turn 50 in May of 2015. I promised my wife I will not go any further until then. At that point I will decide what more I need if anything. I hope I can start laser treatment during that period to work on my beard.

My wife was very happy when I told her. She has come so far for me that I wanted to give her that peace of mind. Maybe she will catch up with my desire to be out totally. I hope to work on transgender rights at some point. I hope this will give me time to determine what I absolutely must have to be me.

Does this sound wise? Is it ok to slow down and hope others catch up with us? I so appreciate everyone's support. If you need to be critical of my approach let me have it. I want to look at all sides of this issue!

Suzanne

[gennee]

You accomplished much thus far. You and your wife will need to ave more discussions because I believe that she has plenty of questions. She may be frightened because she fears losing the man that she grown to know and love. I don't know how old your children are but tell them when you feel comfortable in sharing this.

I was in similar situation. I told my wife everything. She was shocked :eek: to say the least. I told my son a year later. It took my wife a while before she was comfortable with 'Gennee'. It took patience and answering questions that she had. Patience is important because your wife is probably trying to digest all this.I wish you all the best.

[Annaliese]

It sound like you have a plan, vary much so to slow down, she is your wife and you want her on this road with you for support and to show her you support her also, that you are willing to give her time. It call love

[Rachel Smith]

Nothing wrong with slowing down. Take your time and find out where you land on the transgender spectrum.

Wish you and your family the best.

[Michelle V]

I believe that you can give people, including your love ones all the time in the world and they will never "catch up" with us. I will make myself and example and tell you that I am broken, I have been for a while and it is thanks to my wife and my persistence that I am beginning to feel like there is hope for me, like there is still a chance to become who I was meant to be. I am finding myself and have a long way to go but in the mind time I am having a lot of fun seeing who I was meant to be when I dress up. I don't know you and don't know what your life and your relationship with your spouse is like, but it sounds like your support group is large and you have taken huge steps on becoming YOU.
You obviously have the courage to pursue your dream, slowing down at our age is taking a huge step back, we don't know what the future holds but I don't think investing time, money and energy to reach a goal up to this point is going to slow down your destiny. Your have decided to take this road and I hope you continue your journey. Real love conquers everything, realizing our destiny makes us happy, I believe the combination of these two very important things (love and happiness) will help you reach your goal and will keep your spouse by your side. Best of lucks to you.

[Jorja]

There is nothing wrong with slowing down. However, allow me to caution you about drawing lines in the sand. In this life things are never what they seem and we seldom have control of when they take place.

[kimdl93]

You don't need to ask if it's ok, Suzanne. This is your life, your marriage and your choice. It's great that you are showing consideration for your wife, particularly when you know she has supported you, inspire of her struggles. Why not give her time to adjust, catch up, if you will, and work together on planning the steps along the way.

I'm in a similar situation. I've been coming out progressively more with each passing year. I found out recently. That my loving and supportive spouse was deeply stressed and conflicted by her desire to help and support me and her own strong reservations. We have taken a step or two back and I'm giving her a break from seeing me dressed...time for her to adjust and reassess. We both view this as a reset and a chance to move forward with better communication and mutual understanding. It's worth the effort.

[Michelle789]

Suzanne, I feel really saddened by your decision to stop, but I completely understand. You've been a great inspiration to me. This is not easy stuff and when you love your wife it's very difficult to do something that could wreck the marriage or make her unhappy. We're always here for you. And if you feel like you can't wait another year and need to pick up on your journey again, it's okay too. I hope that you and your wife can reach some kind of understanding where you can have it both ways. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Feel free to PM me at any time.

Michelle :)

[MarisaRose.]

I was always told to take it a day at a time, and 5 minutes at a time when life becomes confusing. So being able to keep a rate of personal progress that your family can digest is of optimal importance. We sometimes lose perspective of how far we progress and at what rate. Coming out is something to be evaluated each time a new level of family and friends are made aware. Once you let this cat out of the bag, it is difficult to undo, what I mean to say is, make sure that you are SURE of who you are and want to be, this whole aspect of who you are is a process that takes time. Seeing a therapist is always a great resource in helping to understand who you believe you are and who you will ultimately choose to live as and be. Coming terms with these emotions later in life can be overwhelming, so take some time, seek advice. It has served me well...

[DeeDee1974]

You have to do whatever makes you comfortable and happy. When I started my transition my wife was supportive, but asked that when we did things socially, especially with her side of the family that I present as male. So around the house and with my circle of family and friends I was living as Dee. As she saw me as Dee at home more and more she became more comfortable. By month six or so people became curious as to what was "wrong" with me because physically I was changing. That was when it was easier to tell the truth.

I understand going out of ones way for loved ones, but there also comes a time for them to do the same for us.

[Janelle_C]

Suzanne you do what's right for you, your wife and your family. When I started therapy about 2 1/2 years ago. My wife told me one day on a walk it's like your running toward something. And I guess I was, it was the first time in my life that I started to understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I was no longer ashamed of who I was in my closet. There was lots of times in my journey that I slowed down for my wife. There was no guaranties and she made none, all she would say is I want you to be happy. That's how much she loved me, she wanted me to be happy no matter how hard it was for her. I slowed down as much as I could, because she means everything to me, but I could not stop nor did she ever ask me to.

I think taking that little extra time for her helped her to know that I new and appreciated all that she was going through. I hope you find the balance you need for both of you. Janelle

[Barbara Ella]

Suzanne, this sounds perfect, if it is what you want to do. What feels right for you is the way to do it. I am very much in a similar boat. This all started 2.5 yrs ago, Telling her about being transgendered, only about a year ago. She does not want daughters to know, and no one in the community. I attend support, I am going out more now as Barbara, and she has been supportive if it made me happy. at 67 yrs old, I have been on HRT for 17 months. I likely will not progress any further, but options are available. She has offered to sell the house and move to let me go full time, leaving her life behind. Can't do that to her right now. What each individual needs to have to be "me" is going to be different. The key is to recognize it is you who needs to be satisfied with the conclusions. Take your time, be happy.

Barbara

[Suzanne F]

Thank you ladies for your responses! They were very touching. My wife asked to go to my therapist with me this afternoon. I am a little nervous. I am sure the decision to postpone anything else will be discussed. I am glad that I am giving my wife this time. However I have felt sort of empty since I told her. There always seem a to be this tug of war going on. Gender Dysphoria I think! Ok I will report back about therapist meeting today.
Suzanne

[Ann Louise]

Please hun, make it a gender therapist who has experience with us. Some of the run of the mill "family" counselors are worse than useless, and can cause more harm than good. I'm speaking from experience, as my initial "diagnosis," from a "marriage counselor," after a one-hour conversation, and in the presence of my then "wife" (now super-sister LOL) was that I was simply an erotic fetishist, and maybe I should get "dressed" more often and "go out with the girls." This, even though I stressed to her that there was no sexual desire components to my GD, and that the clothes, makeup, etc., that I used to feel safe and sane were so secondary to my actual true feelings as female, as to be minor issues (which she was entirely missing the point of). All she did was piss me off, ruin all the remaining sessions (there were only a few more), and led me to independently seek out my own personal, private, experienced gender counselor with a large existing transsexual client base.

Any counselor that tells you what to think or do, rather than stimulating you to think What You Think and decide What You Should Do, is no "counselor" in my book. Good luck honey, and be strong, Ann

[DebbieL]

It's a very good idea for your wife to talk to your therapist. This is actually a VERY DANGEROUS proposition. Aborting transition often leads to some really dangerous self-destructive behaviors, including but not limited to:
1 - Overeating and weight gain - your weight could even double.
2 - Loss of interest in physical appearance - loss of interest in exercise.
3 - Acute depression - even to the point of becoming suicidal.
4 - Unhealthy lifestyle choices - junk food, booze, drugs.
5 - Medical problems, including heart attack, stroke, circulatory problems.
6 - Neurological problems - headaches, sleeplessness, depression, "giving up".
7 - Lethargy, loss of interest in job, family, sex.
8 - Isolation - from family, friends, anything else that is seen as an impediment to transition.

Essentially, if you are transsexual and you have started to transition, your female self, your true self, Susanne, is finally getting some freedom, acceptances, and the hope of actually having a life that she loves.

Can you guess what happens when you suddenly tell yourself that you have to put her back into solitary confinement, abort transition, and go back to a life of lies and deceit? They say hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. Imagine what hell that scorn would be when the woman scorned is yourself!

In my own case I aborted my transition when I was 35. It was a terrible decision. My weight doubled to over 330 lbs. I couldn't lose much of it, and I ended up having a heart attack in 2001 and a stroke in 2007. In 2010 I realized that if I wanted my health back, I would have to start letting Debbie out again. I dropped to 235, nearly 100 lbs below my top weight, and started getting MUCH healthier.

When my dad died in 2011, he said "If I give you nothing else, I ask you to BE YOURSELF, even if that's Debbie". Debbie took care of him until he died and he loved it. He got to see the real me just as he was about to die, and he was pleased. I started planning transition and started therapy. I was starting to plan transition again, and my wife suddenly told me "I'm not OK with that, you can't change". Within a month I was suffering at work, my performance was down, I was tense, irritable, argumentative, and even rude. I literally had people yelling at me in meetings, or pulling me into a closed room so they could yell even louder. I became suicidal. Even mixed up a nice batch of Gatorade and Prestone for a cocktail guaranteed to kill within 72 hours with no antidote. I backed out at the last minute. When I saw my doctor a few days later, I mentioned it. She ordered me to go to the nearest psych ward within 30 minutes or she would call the police. It took 4 hours to get the blood work back to confirm that I did not drink the antifreeze. Then we talked about my plan to get back on the road to sanity.

I had to get back to 12 step meetings, back to seeing a gender therapist, and I was assisting at Landmark Education that week-end. My wife had to pick me up and realized that this was an issue that needed to be discussed. We talked it over together, and decided not to make any long term decisions until I had talked with my therapist. For my first session, she asked to meet Rex, she wanted to see what I was like today in the role I was forced to play. For later sessions she asked me to come as Debbie. This gave her the contrast between the two. She also asked me to be Debbie as much as I could for a week before I came to see her the following week.
At the end of this session she said "You seem so much happier as Debbie!",
I responded with "I AM much happier as Debbie".
She looked me straight in the eye, stone-faced, and said "SO BE DEBBIE!".

I went back to 120 mode (120 hours/week as Debbie), and the transformation was obvious in every area. I was happier at home, at work, at church. I was sleeping through the night. I was eating healthy again. Even my wife could see the difference. Finally, she asked to talk to my therapist with me.

The joint sessions were VERY helpful. We got past a lot of the labels and fears and concerns.
She said "I'm not a lesbian",
the therapist asked what she liked most about our love making,
asked if she missed having a big strong man in her bed (she didn't).
She then said "Debbie, would you say that your sex is more like two women together or a man and a woman together?".
I said "Like two women". She asked if I liked the same things Lee liked (I did).
Then she said "Forget what you call it, you love what you do with each other sexually right?" (we both nodded).
Finally she said "If I told you that was lesbian sex, would you suddenly stop wanting it?"
Lee was stunned - gave a big loud laugh and said "HELL NO!".

Keep in mind that we were having to limit our sex life because she had been having such intense orgasms with me that she kept getting hernias. She was losing weight (90 lbs) so that she could get what would be her eighth and last hernia operation.

Over the next few months, we worked through many other issues. Debbie met the family at Thanksgiving (my father-in-law originally said Debbie would not be welcome, so I offered to make other plans for myself on that day). The whole family liked her so much that Debbie got all the Christmas presents. My sister-in-law even said "I hope it's OK that we didn't get any presents for Rex, but we just like Debbie so much". I started crying because I was so happy, and said "Thank you so much, I love you all too".

The same was true at work. People really liked Debbie, because I didn't have to put so much energy into maintaining the facade of being someone I really didn't want to be. I was happy because I could be honest and authentic about who I was, what I was, and what was going on at work. Rex would slip in every once in a while, but even that was OK.

We decided to wait until after Christmas for Debbie to come to church, but women in the church had already seen or heard about Debbie and were so eager to meet her that when I complimented one woman on her dress she leaned over and said "And you will look beautiful in your dress too, wear it soon". The week after Christmas, I started going as Debbie and I was pleasantly surprised when people were actually happy to meet me and talk to me after the service. They had seen me up in front of the choir, as usual, but this time I was wearing my hear down, with a wig, and some light make-up. Under my robe I was wearing a nice dress and opaque tights (it was cold that day), and I got several compliments from the women and a few of the men were even very nice to me.

One week, one of the older men at my church asked "Why are you doing this dressing thing". I explained to him that I had been more of a girl than a boy since birth. I held up my hand and showed him how my index finger was longer than my ring finger. I had him hold up his hand and he could see that his ring finger was longer than his index finger. I then pointed out that most women have longer index fingers and most men have longer ring fingers. My fingers were like that of a girl, but so was my brain, my skeleton, and even some of my internal organs.

I then told him that I had wanted to be a girl since I was 6 years old. Before that I just WAS one of the girls. I played with girls, did what girls do, and I liked it. I also explained that growing up people often saw me as being too feminine, as a "Sissy", or they assumed that I was homosexual. I was just a girl's brain trapped in a body that had just enough boy parts to get me labeled as a boy.

All this took less than 15 minutes. He then explained it to some of the other men in the congregation. Within 4 weeks, everyone in the church was not just accepting, but supportive. They all call me Debbie now, and I even have a name tag for Debbie. I'm finally FREE!

Yes, it's a rocky road, but it's worth the trip!