I don't want to die as an old man ...

[DanielleInMI]

This evening I was hit with a few gender dysphoric feelings. I'm currently 41 yo and have felt "different" from a very young age. I wanted to be a girl, and felt emotionally like one. As I grew up I tried to suppress these feelings by drinking. I'm currently sober. Now that I'm sober and clear headed these feelings seem to be more clear.

So anyways I was at an AA meeting this evening just listening to people talk. After a couple of the ladies in the group spoke an older gentleman started speaking and it just hit me like a sack of bricks. I don't want to die as an old man.

The other thing that hit me was that I think of myself crossdressing, I kind of hate it, because I think I look like a man in a dress.

How do you deal with these feelings ?

I am seeing a therapist right now, we have talked some about my gender idenity, but not that much yet since I'm also trying to work through a coupe of other issues (alcoholism and past child abuse.)

I'd appreciate hearing any advice you may have or even just your stories dealing with feelings like this.

[sandra-leigh]

Last calendar year a biological oddity was noticed for me and I was sent for kidney tests. I worried about cancer, I worried about transplants, I worried about dialysis. I asked myself, "What would I do if they told me I only had a year to live?". I didn't have to think: my answer was immediately, "I would change my name, I would get implants, and I would live full time as a woman". Then I asked myself, "Okay, what about if they said 5 years?". I mentally paused a small number of seconds, and answered myself with, "Okay, maybe I would take more time in choosing and arranging the implants, but I would change my name, get implants, and live full time as a woman".

Later when I thought about my responses, I realized that what it meant was that I do want to transition "sometime before I die", and that the 1 year or 5 year timeframes were ones that provided "excuses" to go through with it. Who would deny a person with only a short time to live the right to live as they wanted?

Yes, there is there is part of me that outright objects to "dying as a male". So the question now becomes "When do I go for it?" And that, in part, is going to hinge upon an internal feeling that I am "female enough" to warrant going through with it.

This is, I know, not exactly what my gender therapist would recommend. She would say that it isn't about how your label yourself, and that it should be a question of how you want to live. And I want to live as female.

I do, though, wish I had a strong self-identification of being definitely female (which is not the same thing as my knowing that I am "not male")

Perhaps the practical question will become how much chin electrolysis I can stand :censor:

[Barbara Ella]

At 67, and dealing with this for only for a short 2.5 years, I do think about this. I tell myself that since beginning HRT, and accepting beginning to work with what I have available in life, I know, and my wife now accepts that I will die a female because I am a female. Whether anyone else is aware of that, outside of the few close friends, is not important. Until then I will continue to live my life as best I can from day to day that keeps me comfortable in my womanhood. Incomplete maybe, but it is what it is.

Barbara

[trisha kobichenko]

At 67 I am a lot closer to the question of how I want to die...but more importantly closer to how I want to live. For better or worse, I am 'in the middle'. I am not uncomfortable as a man, not uncomfortable as a woman, as gender identification goes. I am uncomfortable with being denied the ability to express my self as either. So, my focus isn't on how I end up, but how I handle today, and maybe tomorrow. So I am not transitioning from one space to another, but attempting to balance the spaces each day. But, bottom line, you should do and be what you want.
Hugs,
Trish

[mikiSJ]

There is a song out there with the opening lyrics "When I grow up, I want to be an old lady". I am doing my best to be that old lady.

[noeleena]

Hi.

For myself it would be of little difference how or when i die , im female any way, and i never went through the what if or could i or should i it was planed long ago, before my birth what i was / am or going to be, there is one detail i would have been dead like my Mother had my so called father had had his way, over 66 years ago, so i count every day a blessing that i'v lived for this long,

ill die knowing i knew what i was from age 10. It was over 20 years ago i knew my time was to be able to live fully as a female should , if you like my time had come , my hormones saw to that,

the struggles many of you go through yes i understand to some extent not fully of cause how can i , im not a male so theres that difference, my difference i never had to think about my change all i had to really do was i am a female time to live as one should live, and ......OH ....YES,,,,,,,,>>>>....I AM.

You know what .what do you do when you see a road block stop there and go no where, thats what im hearing...... go have a look around the other side, it may surprise ....you.....just you got'a go see ...okay....

time to move so get to and do the ...DO...go and ...LIVE....

...noeleena...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't want to die as an old man...
Those are the exact words that I thought.
They are scary words, and you should take them seriously.

Your nature (in other words are you a woman or not?) will drive your feelings more than anything else, and you are best off exploring and understanding rather that fighting and repressing..

Repression will only make them worse. No one can predict what will happen for you

At some point you will understand your feelings to a point where you can confidently act on them... that should be your goal... who am I? what can I do about it? do it... LOL...life is so simple sometimes!!! NOT!!!!

[Frances]

I could have written that OP. That is when the real crossroad happens. The "I cannot go on, but I cannot stay like this" crossroad, when something has to give.

I sought therapy again (for the fourth time) at that moment (I was 39), but without any goal other than figuring things out. I eventually transitioned, but I did it fairly slowly through a process of verification. If something felt right, I moved on to the next step. I did not even think of SRS until it was not that important anymore. In actuality, the biggest change was hair removal for me (it also put me in bankruptcy).

The reason it worked out was that I did not have repression in mind when going into my final therapy. I did not have the goal of transitioning either, just feeling right, whatever that meant.

[DeeDee1974]

I do think that getting older was part of the process of starting my transition. No more thinking I'm young I have time to figure this all out. I was finally mature enough to know I had felt this way my whole life and no amount of trying to conform was going to change what was inside of me since birth. I also realized that crossdressing was not giving me the relief from GD I desired.

My ex-wife and I are still very good friends and we try to meet socially at least once a week. Just this past Sunday at brunch she was reminding me of something I had forgotten. When I finally told her about my dressing she was very accepting for the most part. But I do recall her saying "you hear these stories about men wearing their wives underwear and they say that's all they want to do. The next thing you know they are becoming women. That's not you is it?"

Of course I said no. That was one of those times where I could of said yes, but wasn't mature enough. Luckily for me my ex was open minded and wanted to talk about this often. She almost always lead with questions that would make it easy for me to come out. When I did finally come out it was almost like we were both relieved.

I guess the point of this rant is getting to where you know you're ready to transition is a process. Wherever you find strength to evaluate yourself is positive whether it is through a spouse, therapist or a support group.

[LeaP]

... I don't want to die as an old man.

The other thing that hit me was that I think of myself crossdressing, I kind of hate it, because I think I look like a man in a dress.

How do you deal with these feelings ?

I am seeing a therapist right now, we have talked some about my gender idenity, but not that much yet since I'm also trying to work through a coupe of other issues (alcoholism and past child abuse.) ...

This also weighed on me, except I didn't want to LIVE as an old man, never mind die as one.

Many are conflicted over crossdressing. Why you do and why you react as you do is something a good therapist will dig into when it's time. I'm happy to hear that yours is addressing other issues first - it's common for cross-sex feeling to come from places other than gender identity.

So what do you do? Exactly what you are doing.

[Angela Campbell]

How do you deal with these feelings ?

.

usually we fight it with everything you have until there is nothing left and our life is thoroughly messed up.

[Starling]

I don't want to die as an old man, but I'm scared to death of lying helpless in a hospital as an old woman with a penis. And when you're getting on, you're more likely to have HRT-related health issues. Reality bites.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its true Lallie ...

There are all kinds of little health things that can happen... I've always been the anxious type...

Dementia has run in my family... I could be 70 years old in some ward blabbing about my penis and I don't even have one anymore!!!

[LeaP]

I'm sure you will be a perfectly charming old loon, Kaitlyn.

[RADER]

Well at 67 myself, dieing at being an old man just might be in the cards.
Yes i enjoy CDing, but to transition at my age would be risky at least, not
to mention I am still in the closet. So an Old man I will be, at least I have had some
practice at it.
Rader

[sandra-leigh]

Last year sometime, I had a flash image of myself as a crazy old cat lady living by myself with my cats and a house full of books. I posted at the time and remarked that the only part of it that seemed unrealistic was that you can't raise cats as pure vegetarians.

Better a content crazy old cat lady than a bitter old man.

[lingerieLiz]

I don't want to die PERIOD. Unfortunately we all do sooner or later. It is more important how we lived.

[Krisi]

You're going to die eventually, there's no way around it. Once you die, it won't matter to you if you were a man, woman or something in between. It will however, matter to your loved ones.

If you have something you want to do before you die, you should do it because tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. It's important to think this through very carefully, especially if that thing you want to do is to transition. The older you get, the harder it will be to do and the less satisfactory the results are likely to be.

You are seeing a professional therapist. Talk to this person about your feelings. See if he or she can give yu guidance.

[anaissa]

I don't necessarily have any advice, but I just needed to tell you that I had my first appointment with a therapist today to discuss my gender dysphoria. During the session I blurted out--"I don't want to die as an old man." When I saw your post and read your comments, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone and at 41 you are certainly nowhere's near an old man. Hang in there, darling. You have plenty of time to work with your therapist to sort things out. As I was so warmly assured by members of this forum, it is never too late to make changes in your life. I am 54, and am taking my first steps towards transition.

[Contessa]

I'm 61 and will be 62 this year. I began my transitioning approximately 2 years ago. I will not grow older as a man. I am 24/7 now and still must decide on SRS. Or just live as if I have already. I intend to live as if I have and cross that bridge as I come to it. One thing I understand is my death won't change my life. I am truly happy now. If you want to be truly happy your may have to live your true self. Hormones were only part of that for me. I am only 3 weeks on hormones and loving it. Live for today tomorrow is not promised to us.

Tess

[Mickey M]

I am an older man. 61 , trapped in a body that
wants to be noticed , not as a man , but as a
good looking ( for my age ) women. And I hope
before I die I can be OUT more to achieve this .