fighting nature itself

[GabbiSophia]

so over the last few weeks my GD and I have become really really close, not by my choice either. The gd is all over the board as when and how it effects me. From wanting to cry, or shear anger, or the denial of everything and even saying how much this sucks. The last one to the point that I truly get why people get to a transition or die point. Oh yeah and my new favorite one, I almost forgot, the pure jealousy that I can't just be. Especially if I am CDing to mitigate and I have to change back into guy mode. The constant barrage is enough to drive a person insane if they weren't already. I am btw but that is my opinion.

Soooo standing there I am trying to make a decision because trust me this sheet aint fun. So I asked and my therapist agreed that its time to try hormones. I admit that I am ready and I am trying to admit that I am TS and it is time to be the woman that I am. Then my therapist has a very bad family deal and is gone for the next 2 months. Soooo I stand in limbo I am trying to embrace the woman but the fear is over whelming to just step out. I commit myself to go out and I swear my brain finds every way to not allow me to do it or to talk myself out of it. I swear this crap is just as hard as dealing with the GD. For me to go out anywhere in the town I live in would be the same as if I just came out. I am not ready for that. So I try to go forward privately but I seem to sabotage that too. I just can't find a way to let go of my male self.

I hate being transgendered and I hate the crap storm that comes with it. I am willing to face it and move forward, God knows that I want to make everything one with itself, but crap the GD doesn't let up no matter what. So for the time being I have to fight the GD because there is no relief except to bury myself in work. I have scheduled a consult for laser and I am trying to lose weight to be better but neither of those seems to help.

Also April ... damit ... you were not wrong one bit .. the more I dress the worse the gd is ....and if I don't dress the anxiety is a bi$#h...This crap sucks ..

[Denise_Lafame]

I hear you loud and clear girl. At least you only have to wait a couple of weeks till you can get your letter for meds. My Dr. who at one time offered to put me on hormones flatly refused the last time I was in to specifically ask for them. In fact he told me I was obsessing and subscribed me the same meds that they use for those who take grand mal seizures. I didn't get the script filled and that is the end of my seeing him. The part that rips me is that he just flipped me off after having treated me for years.

Be glad it's only two weeks. Hang in there and you can and will do it.
Denise

[bas1985]

I think that GD is pretty much understandable from those who live it and too much "elusive" for the "other" people.

This is why I think that a certain amount of gatekeeping is "sane". What is "acceptable"? Waiting 2 weeks for hormones? 2 months... 6 months... later?

It is a difficult subject, but being at the end of my gatekeeping period I suppose that a bit of "rest" is needed, HRT and transitioning is a life change decision and moreover there are different things that give the impression of going on, without hormones: life style, dieting, laser, grooming, growing hair (for those who still have it...)

[Rachel Smith]

The last one to the point that I truly get why people get to a transition or die point. Oh yeah and my new favorite one, I almost forgot, the pure jealousy that I can't just be. Especially if I am CDing to mitigate and I have to change back into guy mode. The constant barrage is enough to drive a person insane if they weren't already. I am btw but that is my opinion.

I have been at the do or die point. PLEASE don't take the second option. It only hurts those that love you, I speak from experience here. I too struggled with the jealousy of not being able to just be. This is something that people w/o GD just can't understand. Your friends here can understand it so talk to them. Hang in there until you can find another therapist and the barrage of lightning bolt thoughts should stop when you get hormones, at least they did for me, and quite a few others here.



Also April ... damit ... you were not wrong one bit .. the more I dress the worse the gd is ....and if I don't dress the anxiety is a bi$#h...This crap sucks ..

Dressing didn't help with my GD either. All it did was make me think why can't I just live like this? Why can't I just be me? Since starting hormones then coming out at work, making all the changes the lightning bolts have stopped. There is a price to pay in some so-called friendships but the price paid is small in comparison to my self worth and sanity.

Hang in there till you get it sorted
Hugs
Rachel

[Cheyenne Skye]

I can't really give any advice but I will tell you I completely understand. Before I started HRT, I would dress to go to a local support group. No matter how good I felt at the end of the night, when I got home the GD would raise it's ugly head when I looked in the mirror. I would think about how the person in the mirror was the real me and I had to change to get on with "my" life. It was so depressing. And every time I would see a pretty girl, I would think to myself: "It must be nice to not have to think about your gender and just have the world take you at face value, a female. Dammit, why am I always thinking about it?" I think I finally just let go when I did ask my therapist for the hormone letter. I finally stopped trying to rationalize everything and just went with my gut instincts. I wouldn't say my GD went away immediately like some others would tell you. I started on low doses of HRT and worked my way up to where I am now. My T levels are finally coming down to a more reasonable level. I think the disappearance of the GD is related to when your body switches from T based to E based (or vice versa for FtMs). Nowadays, the biggest sense of anxiety I have is over my coming out at work. I've spoken to HR once, last week, and haven't heard anything else since. And my lawyer tells me my legal name change should be final by mid May. So it's all about getting everybody on the same page in a short six weeks.

So just hang in there, things should improve when your therapist gets back.

[GabbiSophia]

So sometimes when you think things are the worse something unexpected happenes. My therapist called me and told me she emailed me my letter, really thought it would say more, and I have a dr appointment with my GP. This is crazy scary and a relief at the same time as I will have to come out to him in order to ask about the HRT. I am so thankful for her and she said she knew I was having issues and she wanted to help. That took a big burden off my mind and also has set the wheels in motion.

[Rogina B]

Steph,As Angela suggested a while back,why don't you take a little drive and see a Dr that works with a lot of other girls? Very worth it...There is no point in "reinventing the wheel" when there are "good wheels" close at hand.

[GabbiSophia]

Rogina my gp knows me best and my medical history. I we I'll give him a chance to see his experience. If he doesn't want to do it then i will look. I would be reinventing the wheel to start with a new doc. I do agree experience is a must

[Angela Campbell]

Chances are your gp knows little to nothing bout it. Do you want him to learn using you?

[GabbiSophia]

Angela in fairness yall haven't even given him a chance to tell me what his experience is.

[stefan37]

If your doctor is comfortable prescribing and monitoring your blood work, then by all means use him. The blood work will produce results that any competent physician can interpret. The hrt regimen and dosages are for the most part standardized. After a couple of months you get blood work and depending on the results can tweak the dosages. HRT is by no means DIY. But is certainly is not rocket science to any competent physician. The big question is how comfortable is the physician prescribing and monitoring.

[Janelle_C]

Steph you are not alone in the way you feel. Before I started hormones my GD was kicking my butt, it was 24/7. I had been to my support group dressed, witch sounds funny for me to say dressed now but not out in the rest of the world. It became harder and harder to go back and forth. Then one day I had to go to the store and I could not go as my old self. I was lucky I called my daughter up and she and my daughter in-law came over and I dried my tears and I got dressed and put my makeup on and we went to the store. it was a surreal experience no stared at me no one cared. Each time got easier and easier. Do you have someone to go out with you and give you support, it made all the deference in the world to me.

[Angela Campbell]

Angela in fairness yall haven't even given him a chance to tell me what his experience is.

note I said "chances are"

[Michelle789]

So for the time being I have to fight the GD because there is no relief except to bury myself in work. I have scheduled a consult for laser and I am trying to lose weight to be better but neither of those seems to help.

I lost 50 pounds in the last 2 years. It's great to lose weight and be thin, but it doesn't do a goddamn thing to help the GD.

Burying myself in work doesn't help me either. I can have enough trouble concentrating at work sometimes that I dare not even attempt to bury myself at work.

I can relate to your feelings from an earlier post where when I'm male and alone I feel like crap. I feel best when dressed as female, whether I'm in or out. Going to my support group and socializing as female feels really great. Being female at home feels great too. Male at an AA meeting is ok too. Being male alone sucks.



Also April ... damit ... you were not wrong one bit .. the more I dress the worse the gd is ....and if I don't dress the anxiety is a bi$#h...This crap sucks ..

I'm finding that I feel great when I'm dressed as female. But when I'm not dressed I feel like crap. I went to my TG support group on Friday night, we even had an earthquake there, and we went out to eat dinner afterwards, I was out for almost 6 hours. I felt really great.

Saturday started off ok for me, I had to pay rent and run a few errands as male, and my mood quickly plummeted by mid-day, and my terrible mood continued until 4pm today when I got dressed as a girl, and guess what, my mood suddenly lifted. I spent the remainder of the day inside, but I seem to feel great when dressed as female whether I'm in or out of the house and like crap when I'm presenting as male especially alone. Going to an AA meeting or fellowship, or to my therapist, as male is the exception.

I guess dressing more doesn't cause me to feel like crap, it's when I have to go back to being male that causes me to feel like crap. So yes, dressing more causes the GD to get worse but it's the going back to male part that causes me to feel like crap.