(Secretly) CD apparently makes me a better man or a better me

[Helena Gwyn]

I just started accepting the desire to CD a few months ago. I don't have much clothing yet, at least not a complete outfit, haven't done wigs or make-up or nails either (although I somehow feel the desire to do those as well, but still struggling on the inside) and I keep it indoors, no-one knows.

I've taken very few and small steps in the exploration of the feminine part in me and somehow felt or saw changes in my behaviour or posture as well. At first I was afraid, people will see, will notice 'something'. But not wanting to go back to hiding and pushing away, whatever or whoever I am, I just tried to let it go.

Last night, I went to dinner with a befriended couple. They know for 10 years now. I've always been very insecure about myself, leading to comments about it from them. Although they always meant well, friends can be harsh.
Last night I was talking about my facial treatment to get rid of scars from acne and to just look better, just sitting there being me and suddenly the female friend told me this was the first time she saw me like this, sitting there non-chalant (in a good way), classy, stylish. "Have you lost weight as well?" "You really look slender" "You're like, I'm hip in my early thirties, classy, stylish, confident, what you see is what you get!"

I must say I was impressed. Somehow letting all of me out, I became more man, or more of me. I know it's logical, feeling good about yourself, being confident, you tend to 'shine' more, but still.

Just wanted to share this, I never felt this 'warm' inside.

[Katey888]

Helena - that's really enlightening... :)

I believe you've revealed a simple truth with quite complex foundations... That is, the closer we (in fact, probably anyone..?) get to being a complete, whole individual, with no part of our personality supressed, the more complete, happier, confident individual we become. :D

The complex part for us is the strange combination of masculine and feminine and the need to present the feminine side to feel that we are complete.

I hope you keep the warm feeling with you... :hugs:

Katey x

[Teresa]

Hi Helena,
You don't talk about a partner or wife and children, so what your doing is a steady sensible course, exploring your feelings and seeing where Helena wants to take you. You are already finding that the female side has something different to offer in your life so don't suppress it if you don't need to. I suppose you will have work and family issues to take of but if you carry on as you are I think you're going to enjoy it. I'm sure you'll keep us posted.

[Adriana Moretti]

nothing brings a smile to my face more than hearing a compliment in male mode that is a direct result of my efforts to better the female side cause in the end you are only helping and improving yourself as a whole. It is good to hear you are taking care of yourself and your body its amazing what these things do to your confidence and happiness levels. Enjoy !

[roxielives]

Very similar situation here. I just started a couple months ago and don't have a full outfit, a wig, or even full make up (no money, otherwise my closet would be full). My first wife knows and supports and encourages me to dress and develop this side of me though. (We are talking about getting remarried next year!!!) She does still talk to my mom and has since we were divorced 11 years ago. My mom likes her....hates my second ex-wife though, and does not have any idea I've been dressing. Well today my first wife said she talked to my mom yesterday and my mom said she can't believe how happy I seem lately. She thinks it's just because I am done with the second wife and maybe getting back together with the first wife. I will just let her think that's the reason for now. It's funny though, being happy dressing as a woman is even making me noticeably happier as a man. I love it!!

[Debbie W]

That's great, Helena! To kind of echo Katey's comment, it feels good to be a "whole" person and others see that in us. Kudos!

[Karren H]

I know its affected me a greatly.... .. going out enfemme has given me the strength to do many more things when I'm not enfemme.... like using the urinal in a crowded mens room! seriously.... before I started going out enfemme I couldn't go if anyone else was around... embarasment or what ever but now I can go anywhere wearing about anything! lol

[shawnsheila]

When you feel whole on the inside you appear whole on the outside :)

[Erica Grace]

Ive found that the very same thing happened to me. I was not happy in college, outwardly appeared OK but didn't take care of myself and made reckless decisions. Once I accepted myself for who I am, similar to you, I cared more about every aspect of myself (masculine and feminine).

Taking it one step at a time seems like the best path forward, but I am so happy to hear how good you feel about yourself now.

[Kate Simmons]

Getting in touch with our feelings and who we are as a person is the greatest accomplishment we can make. When we get in touch with ALL of our feelings and make them our own, we truly become a full spectrum person in every sense of the meaning. :)

[RachelCross]

Once again I read someone else's post and it is my experience and thoughts exactly. Helena, thank you so much for sharing. I too have recently come to peace with Rachel and now see her (or that part of me) as an asset instead of a defect in my character. Since then (about 2 months) I have felt so much happier and I have lost close to 30 lbs!! At this point I feel as if Rachel has saved my life in some aspects. It has been a wonderful/beautiful experience as you well know. I wish the best for you in your journey.

[Beverley Sims]

I put it this way.

dressing has made a better you.
You got it right the first time. :)

[Helena Gwyn]

Thank you all for reading and replying with so many kind words. Being able to write it down, puts things in motion, and somehow settles the dust. Sometimes I still think it's 'wrong', probably because of how I was raised, a fight Helena tends to win; or I think/hope that it goes away because life on the outside might be easier that way, but then I wake up and actually rejoice that I can experience this new side of me.


The complex part for us is the strange combination of masculine and feminine That's indeed what makes it difficult, probably because our society thinks binary, male or female, and we were raised to think they're seperate somehow.


You don't talk about a partner or wife and children No, I've been single for a few years now, living in my own apartment, so whenever I close my door and blinds, I can be whoever I want to be.
Sadly, I can't talk to my parents about this (not yet). Recently I came home after a facial treatment and I got some make-up for men to hide some redness. My mom immediately said I shouldn't do that, what will people think or you're students might laugh etc.. Instant end of the conversation.


It is good to hear you are taking care of yourself and your body I try, but the funny thing is, I haven't been training seriously in the last 4 months or so due to sickness and small injuries. CD apparently makes you loose weight :).[/QUOTE]


Helena, thank you so much for sharing You're very welcome. It's great to feel, although worlds apart, we're all in this together. My best decision yet considering CD was to join this forum.

[Helena]

Helena, so glad you are enjoying such uplifting feelings from exploring your feminine side and that it's doing you good in other areas of your life. I too am much better as a whole rather than with the aching gap I had before. My SO definitely sees improvements in me when I can put the "jigsaw" together.

[CynthiaD]

I know exactly what you mean. You can't expect others to like you if you don't like yourself. Once you accept that this part of yourself is, in fact, pretty cool, you realize that you can be pretty cool in other ways too.

I think the whole thing is too complicated to fit into a few words, but believe me, I went through exactly the same thing.