Maybe I am not normal after all?

[sara70morgan]

To All,
I love this forum, and I really appreciate all that participate in here. With that said, I have been reading so much and I have to say that I have been wondering if my dressing is not normal after all. The last thing I want to do is to contribute to society thinking that those of us that dress up only add to the "weird"stigma that sometimes come with this. To me, it has taken a very long time to accept this side of me. I have been dressing in lingerie for a good 25 years, but before that, I used panties to masturbate. I have always loved girls, and I am widowed and raise an 11 year old boy on my own now. So yes, I was married, and have had many girlfriends. I have been around many gay friends and dressed with some who dress, but I have never been with a guy and or attracted to a guy as a guy. Over the years I have tried to understand this side of me, and of course wrestled with whether or not this makes me gay or not. Does it matter if I was gay? Why do some gay people not like us in femme? Well, to me, one of the ways to deal with this side was to think to myself that if I was going to be with a guy, I would only be with a guy if I was in the role of a girl. To me, in my mind, that is what is natural, a girl and a guy. So like I said, I suppose that if I do end up being with a guy, that I am gay, but really, why should that matter?

So that got me to thinking even more about this side of me and even though I think I would come out if I was indeed just a guy attracted to a guy, and I knew I was gay, then I would do it, but that would probably be easier to explain to my son, but I do not think I could explain to him that I like to be a girl. So if I had to do it all over again, and had I gotten brave enough to dress a lot like 25 years ago, I probably would not have gotten married and I probably may have tried to be a girl maybe even full time. I do not know if I would have gone all the way with surgery and all, but who knows.

And I know this is a long email, but also, the reason why I am wondering as to whether or not I am not normal is because it seems that there are a lot of women out there that do not even wear lingerie so much anymore. So even though I like to feel this feminine side of me, and I know that even if I had professional make up done on me, there is no way I could pass for a girl. So why is it that some of us like to wear all the lingerie and dresses and all, but now days I hear a lot of girls say they do not wear make up, and they do not wear panties and or sexy nighties anymore. Are we not normal because we are not just gay, we are perverted and we over dress and we make other girls that really do live this way fall into our "weird" category?

Okay, I am not meaning to make anyone on here mad at what I am saying, I just am wondering if I am the only one that feels any of these things, and of course, any advice is wonderful to have.
Blessings to all,
Sara:battingeyelashes:

[kimdl93]

Like many others you have associated gender identity with sexual preference.... Assuming if A then B. They are not the same. I would guess that the percentage of gay CDrs mirrors the larger population. You have enough life experiences to know by now. And why assume its any more difficult to explain your desire to present as or be a woman? Its a part of every culture. As Alexander Pope said, whatever is is right.

[sara70morgan]

kindl93,
I guess I am somewhat confused as to why anyone would care if another person presents in femme part time, just for purposes of role playing, or full time but now wanting to go all the way with surgery to someone who has had surgery and now lives as a woman. In other words, do you think there is a difference in being straight and wanting to wear women's attire, and or being in femme but being shunned by the gay community unless you dress and live as a woman all the time? And if you simply knew you were a girl from the time you grew up, then does that mean that if you became a girl, you were never gay, just the wrong gender?

I only care of what others say because I do not know how I would explain this first of all to my son, and then of course, if I came out and said I was gay, even though I have never been with a man, but did so that I could then dress in femme, how does one do that? I realize there is a lot to all of this, but I just wanted to start somewhere.
Sara


Also, do you or anyone have any insight on if you think that by wanting to wear women's clothes, especially stockings, panties and all, is that completely what most women do not really want to do anymore? Or is being a woman now days have more to do with wearing sweats and or no lingerie anymore? I ask this because when I am with a woman, I love it if they wear dainty silk if you know what I mean?
Sara

[Tinkerbell-GG]

So you think if you're gay that you can then crossdress without it being so weird? Or do you feel you're a woman and not a man, therefore you must naturally be attracted to men? Neither of which is true as gay men don't like crossdressing any more than we GG's do, and women can be attracted to women. Though, I sort of agree that a fetish dresser and even a part-time dresser makes life publicly harder for transexuals to be taken seriously, but really, they'll just have to pull up their big girl panties and get over that. Believe me, there are people making life harder for women everywhere but that's life. We can't police everything and I don't agree we should anyway.

Otherwise, as a GG looking in on all this, you sound just like any other crossdresser to me. And no, we girls don't usually dress like the men here dress and we scratch our heads about this, too. Trust me, when someone here says (yet again) that they feel so dang feminine in their tight lacy lingerie and ten inch high heels no sane woman would wear, I can almost hear the collective sigh of wives everywhere. These do not a feminine person make, but that's the conundrum of crossdressing and it won't be solved on this thread :)

Can I ask though, why you're so consumed with whether you're gay? You said you like women so why not just accept this and leave it at that? I also wouldn't think so much on what to tell your son as honestly, why tell him anything? He's 11. That's just not the age to load a boy with adult issues. Unless you're dressing publicly or transitioning (which maybe you are?) or you really are gay in which case he'd need to know why Daddy is bringing men home, I don't see why you would tell him anything? He will have enough on his little plate just coping with looming puberty and high school.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're so confused. I hope you can figure out who you are and what you want as it can't be easy living in limbo.

[ShelbyDawn]

Sara,

You are definitely NOT alone in the way you feel. There are many of us, e.g., me, that have struggled with the same feelings of confusion as you describe.
It took me a long time and the help of a very good therapist to come to terms with my dressing. As for women not liking lingerie or wearing less and less makeup, I don't think that has anything to do with the things you like to wear. It is my opinion that we pretty much dress to our vision of femininity.
I have spent hours wondering if I was really gay and have even tried it only to find I could not go through with it.
This is a very complex issue and I still struggle with who I am and whom I want to be and all that stuff.
With the caveat that my advice is worth probably a little less than what you are paying for it, I would suggest you find a qualified gender counselor and discuss these issues with them. Also, stay plugged into this forum; there is a world of knowledge in the wonderful ladies that hang out here I know they are more than willing to help with advice and counsel and just listening.

Hang in there.

[Confucius]

Yes, you do sound like a typical cross-dresser, but of course, the cross-dressing community embraces a board spectrum. I'm sure you've heard that cross-dressing has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. The vast majority of cross-dressers are straight.

Why do men who cannot pass as a women still enjoy to wear hyper-feminine clothing? Personally, I think it has very little to do with hormones and much more to do with how your brain is hard-wired. Your brain is hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, and responds accordingly. It releases dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and other neurotransmitters which produce the sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and bonding. It affects the reward centers of your brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.

There are a number of theories about how all this works, and I believe in the theory that cross-dressing is a form of synesthesia where activity in one sensory pathway produces and automatic and involuntary response in a second sensory pathway. It is dependent upon neural connections in your brain, a product of synaptogenesis and neural pruning. This would explain why the vast majority of males can wear some feminine clothing and feel nothing but humiliation and embarrassment. They think that we are crazy, delusional, and just imagining that it makes us feel good. In fact, we are not suffering from any delusions, or psychological disorder. Our brain is just wired to release the right neurotransmitters to experience the pleasurable sensations.

The attraction to lingerie that is no longer in fashion seems to be a trained response. Our neural connections were established in our childhood and we often find ourselves attracted to clothing that was fashionable at that time. Nowadays genetic females are not wearing pantyhose, slips, girdles, or hardly any lingerie. They do not sleep in lace and nylon, but in flannel pajama pants. For us, we want to experience the most feminine clothing possible, in order to release higher levels of dopamine, and often we are attracted to more feminine clothing than real females. The learned response during our childhood explains why other cross-dressers in other cultures and countries are attracted to feminine things that we may have little to no interest in.

[sara70morgan]

Tinkerbell,
Thank you for your insight. I do not mean to be consumed with being gay. I obviously must have come off like that. I think what I was trying to understand is why it seems that some in the community to not accept that part or it seems to add to the hostility of the haters out there by giving them the wrong side of being gay. In other words, being gay does not translate into being feminine. Anyway, I do agree that there was is no way all this would be answered on this thread and that was not my intent. And no, I have no plans to tell my son. I would though really like to have completely lived this side as I said, so I was just trying to explain that because of what one chooses in life, sometimes even though you may really want something, sometimes you just can never do it, because of the choices you made in life previously. In my case, had I not gotten married and had him, I would have probably tried being this side all the time to see if that is what I wanted.

My wife did know about this side of me, and of course that is hard to come by and not lose them because of it, so I know the odds of finding someone else who is accepting of this is not high. Anyway, the other part of my question, and why I am confused, is simply what you just said. I get it that no sane women is going to want to wear 10 inch heels all the time. I was merely asking if that meant that some of us over do it and do not really know what women really go through in life. And no, I realize that being a woman about a whole lot more than wearing lingerie. And do not mistake me for being confused about my sexuality and or what I feel is part of being straight and or gay, because I am not. I may have been in the beginning of this process from when I was little, but I am not now. I was simply trying to see if there are others out there that other than being confused, have this side because they felt they should have been a girl when born? Like I said, even if I had felt that, I was completely into guy stuff growing up, and I still have that side, and I could get done professionally, but I would never try to come off as a woman, yet I do not really dress just because of a fetish. Anyway, thank you Tinkerbell, like I said, I just wanted to start somewhere. I like this forum because I think that I am going to be able to relate to many others and comment on many other threads and I do not feel embarrassed and or scared to do it.

Take care,
Sara

[Katey888]

Sara,

We're clearly all 'not normal'... :) but then who really is...? Having this predilection we have does not automatically make us perverts, although it's likely a fair number of 'normal' folk would label anyone with a fetish as a pervert... that could be what we do, or it could be a food fetish, an object fetish, a rubber or PVC fetish... there are plenty out there...

Kim is correct, I believe, about sexual orientation versus gender orientation. I've had no interest in any sort of gay activity, yet I'm into this... :eek: Doing this doesn't automatically make you sexually different from any 'normal' hetero male, although there might be some sort of sexual stimulation from the clothing itself... again, this is not unusual amongst us, but also not widespread.

Looking back at the past and trying to extrapolate how you might have felt and developed is, IMHO, not worthwhile - it should be about how you feel now - and some interpretation of that might be helped by reading a lot more here, particularly on the threads regarding sexuality and that age old question: why do we do this... there are plenty already open - don't necessarily feel a need to jump in with questions but spend some time going through what members here have already discussed...

Here's some to start you off,,:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?209135-Did-you-ever-honestly-believe-quot-it-quot-would-go-away
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?210571-Question-and-Answer-Period-with-a-Guy-Friend
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?208194-Did-Women-Cause-Us-To-Start-Crossdressing
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?204436-Why

I'm off to bed now, but I expect to hear how you've got on tomorrow morning... (kidding!) :D

Give it some time and allow this all to percolate before you go making any pronouncements or coming to conclusions - it's not as simple, I'm afraid... :hugs:

Katey x

[Ezekiel]

Its amazing how uninformed society is regarding transgenderism. You are a victim of this low, biased and confused uninformation, and it has affected you.

What I don't get is why people still confuses this with being gay... its not related in any way. You can be straight and crossdresser, you can be gay and crossdresser, you can be bisexual and crossdresser and you can be asexual and crossdresser.

Simple as it sounds. In fact most crossdressers are straight, you'll soon see here.

You are also mixing up gay community with transgender community. Together in the LGBT, but differents things, and transgender is not well understood by the LGB part. If you are being shunned by them its because of this very issue, they don't understand transgenderism at all. Sad I know, but they are really even less informed than you are, and some can be real morons.


Or is being a woman now days have more to do with wearing sweats and or no lingerie anymore? I ask this because when I am with a woman, I love it if they wear dainty silk if you know what I mean?

Well, being a woman is not about wearing stuff, but I'm sure trans and genetic women alike will explain this better than me.

[sara70morgan]

Very interesting, and thank you for your insight. That is a lot to take in, but it does make sense when speaking to that subject.
Sara

[sara70morgan]

Shelby,
Thank you and you hit it very well. It makes a lot of sense, and I really feel good about being on here and listening and reading everyone and their insights. That is why I am on here, and I will hang in there.
Take care,
Sara

[sara70morgan]

Ezekiel,
Nice, thank you!
Sara

[sara70morgan]

Katey,
Thank you and I will indeed read those links. I agree that it is best to do that and take it all in, as yes, it would be very easy to just keep popping in with questions. I want to be able to join in on the fun that is associated with the "living in the now" instead of dwelling on the past in which those questions can only really be best answered by reading and or speaking to someone who knows about all those things. Have a great night of sleep, and I will let you know what I wear tomorrow! LOL
Sara

[MissTee]

Greetings Sara and welcome to the forum. I don't think you're alone in wondering what it means to want to/like to dress. Interesting that so many think because they do CD that they must self select a sexual orientation outside of vanilla hetero (if such a thing exists.) After all, a guy wearing a dress has to be something other than a guy, right? Many think so.

It took me many years to get to the point where I'm okay with wanting to dress, and to feel what I feel when I do. My wife loves me and supports me and that's all I need. I'm not looking for complete social acceptance and I don't need anyone to make it okay or agree with me. Others are more passionate about this and I respect them for that. It's just not for me.

Hopefully you'll take the time to process all these thoughts and eventually get to the point where you can be okay with you -- in whatever way that manifests itself.

Hugs!

[Kate Simmons]

The "norm" for one person is not the "norm" for another. I do believe we are normal for being who we are. Only we ourselves can determine that in the end. :)

[Adriana Moretti]

you are normal.....all those things you question about yourself are normal....they are all common thoughts for gals in here....the key is to figure out you...and enjoy you...whatever it is you decide to do or be...enjoy the journey......

[UNDERDRESSER]

Sara, what is "Normal?" Please see my first signature line.

Your physical form, i.e. what genitals you have, is not necessarily connected to your internal gender, i.e. how you think of yourself. Neither one is necessarily connected to who you are attracted to, or want to have sex with. And none of it, is connected to how you want to dress, or what particular kinks helps you get sexual satisfaction. None of it is wrong, as long as you don't apply it in ways that hurt or damage others.

We are unfortunately too likely to end up repressing parts of our selves because of how we perceive outside societal norms, and it is possible to get into something, (sexual reassignment surgery for example,) because we can't see past those ingrained attitudes.

The only answer is to keep discussing this, on this forum helps, but face to face with a non-judgemental and accepting type of person is better.

For the most part, as long as it isn't hurting someone, including yourself, then just carry on living. Get past the guilt, it just stops you seeing clearly.

Have fun on your journey, don't spend too much time regretting past missed chances, work on staying healthy enough to enjoy what's in front.

[Candice Mae]

Don't worry about being normal, just enjoy being who you are as an individual. In today's world there really isn't a normal, everyone's got some thing in their closet.

[Beverley Sims]

Sara,
You are as normal as any of us here.
You appear to have good reasoning skills and the feelings you have are shared by many.
Keep reading and enjoy the forum and don't "think" too much about a problem that does not seem to be there. :)