Do you ever wonder "What am I doing"

[Erica Marie]

Do you ever wonder what you are doing. Why you want to or have the need to dress in womens cloths. Why you feel like you are thrown into this world just to be confused.

I have been through so many stages in my life. From a young kid wearing panties to a teenager sneaking to the thrift shop to get women's cloths. To an adult trying to look as lady like as possible. After 30 yrs I still have no idea where I fit in.

Anyone else here feel this way. Or if you have, how did you ever really find the place where you feel comfortable with yourself? How many here realize after awhile thats its not even about the cloths anymore but finding out who you are.

[Adriana Moretti]

Yea..it happens to me too...I wonder if I took it to far, become paranoid, get worried my pic is on the net..I ask the question why..and why bother...the feeling passes though...for me anyway

[Maria in heels]

Erica....I think that many of us feel the way that you are describing. We wonder why we do it, but we also know that we must do it....It feels so natural, and I always find myself looking at catalogs or online sales just to "see what they got that I would like to buy". Life does have many stages, but for me, its never changed from as far back as I can remember..Maria is still Maria, just growing more graceful as the years go whizzing by

[Sallee]

All the time. It is worse than facebook as far as a waste of time but it sure is fun. Why do I want to adorn myself, not only to wear womens clothing but to pass my self off as one. At least for a little while. Are we, the genders, that different? Am I able to experience what being a woman is like by passing as one? probably not.
It sure is a strange hobby

[Caden Lane]

I've sort of given up on the whys. Those questions never brought me happiness. Doing it makes me happy. That's all I really need to know.

[ArleneRaquel]

Yes at times I wonder, but that thought leaves me in a few seconds and I go back to whatever it was that I was doing.

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Not 'what am I doing', more like 'why can't society be more accepting of this?' Something this fun and exciting can't be all that bad, right?

It is hands down my most favorite thing to do. I simply can not fathom stopping. It really doesn't bother me that society has a negative view (and I'm not surprised by it either). But it does keep me from being brave enough to just, on a whim, get dressed up and go to the mall. So, while it's true that I don't really care what strangers think, I do care about possible confrontations that may happen as a result of my appearance. The chance of any negative outcome terrifies me.

I learned a LONG time ago that just because a majority of people say or think something, it does NOT make it valid or correct. Use your own judgement. I will not allow the close-minded societal views to dictate what I can do in my own house. Life is to damn short.

[TxCassie]

Oh yes, Erica, I wonder all the time. But, I do not wonder how right it is for me to dress en femme. As I was reading your post and others, I noticed we tend to say, I dress in "Women's" clothing. While, yes, I know we are male who dress in the clothing generally agreed is for the opposite gender, I want to say, these clothes are for ME! It's as natural, not significant that I connect with the feminine side of me better than the masculine side than any other man behaving naturally wearing gym shorts and tanks tops for the day. I know, this sounds rational but not practical, but as long as we subscribe to the general notion that males do not cross the gender line in any way, we'll wonder why we're not like the other men. We aren't cross the gender line, as there is no line in reality, and we have transcended above the line.

Cassie :daydreaming: :love:

[PretzelGirl]

There is a healthy part of the brain that should be double checking the decisions we make. This is what keeps us in control. I would be more worried if I never heard that voice.

[Princess Grandpa]

I wonder frequently. If I truly identified as a woman it would make sense. But I don't. Last year as I came to understand this was something I needed I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I wanted to dress in women's clothing. Like many I believed gender and sexuality were linked. "I can't be a cross dresser. I'm not gay and I'm not a woman trapped in a mans body. I began to think deep down I must be gay or at least bi.

I began exploring my sexuality and no matter how hard I tried I could find myself attracted to another man. I could see a man and understand he was attractive. But it didn't do a thing for me. When I joined these forums I had accepted that I need this even if I didn't know why. It was you all who taught me that dressing in women's clothes but being hetro were not mutually exclusive.

Today after almost a year of dressing and exploring this part of myself I am no closer to knowing why then I was when I first tried to figure it out. I'm considerably less concerned about the reasons than I was. I'm really just enjoying getting to know myself. Yes Mom and dad wanted me to be a girl. Yes the girls in our family were treated better than the boys. I have no recollections of mom dressing me in girls clothes. I suspect she must have. She wouldn't have known in advance I was a boy so would have had pretty dresses and such. Yes I have always been less masculine than my peers.

Was I born this way? Did I become this way because I wanted parental love and approval? I have no clue. The whys of it all sometimes drives me nuts. Mostly I have accepted that it is what it is regardless of the reasons. But every now and then...

Hug
Rita

[Alice Torn]

I tend to over think,or over analyze everything. You bring up a real issue many of us have. Why do i dress up, and try to present as an attractive fairly modest lady? I sometimes have come up with reasons, but really am not sure. I do know it really hurts, when a GG friend, drops me because of it. And, I really don't like being a paranoid loner, hiding this.

[Chari]

Had gone to a multitude of therapists and other medical professionals as I wondered for many years "why I was different?". None could give a positive answer to my needs to dress in feminine attire or the pleasure I derived from it. As years without resolve passed, and the frustration of my feminine side increased, I realized it is my life to accept all facets of myself completely. Upon doing that, I became peaceful with myself. IMO it is not just the clothes, makeup, hairstyles, etc. that says "woman", but how we accept and present our self to others. Enjoy.

[Marcelle]

Hi Erica,

I gave up trying to figure it out. I have finally reached a place in my life where I am at peace with me both "en boy" and "en femme".

Hugs

Isha

[Tracii G]

At first maybe but coming to an understanding thru this site I just embrace being different these days.
It all feels natural so I do what feels right to me.

[paulaprimo]

like some of the other girls, i have given up trying to figure out the why's...all i know is that
it is such a natural part of me and feels so good!! :)

[Tina_gm]

In the beginning when I 1st gave in to the CDing desire, I felt that way almost constantly. I still feel it from time to time, wondering what good will ever come of it, what is really the point etc etc... I don't feel that way as often these days.

[Jenniferathome]

Erica, ABSOLUTELY I wonder. When you see my smile in my pictures, I'm laughing internally. In my head I'm thinking, "What a weird thing this is that I am doing!" But that does not negate nor minimize the feeling I get when I can express that side of me. It makes no logical sense so I do not try to make it, make sense. It is and I accept that. I'm a cross dresser, nothing more than that.

Take care,

[Kate Simmons]

Yes I do Erica, especially if I end up wearing the wrong color eye shadow for my outfit. :heehee:All in all I'm very comfortable with who I am and don't really care about "fitting in" with others in society. Who says they are right anyway? :battingeyelashes::)

[Cheryl T]

I felt that way for decades...going through the buy/purge cycles and the guilt. Then I just decided that this is me....it's who I am and it's the one constant in my life from day one. I stopped denying myself the comfort of being me and just gave up on the guilt. It's so much better now.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I am like a Civil War reenactor. only with modern women's clothes. Why do they do it? Don't know. Why do I do it? Don't know. I've stopped wording about it.

[alwayshave]

I am with Caden Lane, I have given up on asking why. I love wearing women's clothes. I love wearing makeup and high heels. It is who I am and I just don't ask why anymore.

[ophelia]

Yeah, today. I tried a beautiful dress on at a thrift shop. I wanted dressed or made up and I thought that thought. I should have bought that dress!

[Camilla]

Every time I wonder "what am I doing", but never found an answer. The only thing I know is that I like to dress and feel like a woman, is a part of me.
Why am I doing it ?
Because I like it, and feeling good doing it...

[Deanna11]

I feel the same Camilla, I'm not sure why I do it, although I get various answers in my head now and then,but I absolutely love to dress as a woman, that is when I am the happiest! I've purged, I've fought the desire, but I am now giving in and embracing it fully! I am a crossdresser !

[Wildaboutheels]

Actually no. They ARE just clothes to me and I simply wear them because I CHOOSE to.

On the other hand, I do fully understand why so many here are so tormented.

But I also find it very very strange that SO many here are so UNwilling to connect the obvious dots.

It's the ONLY way that those CDers who have no need or desire to transition will ever be free.

[Eryn]

When I was coming to grips with my CDing I had the "What am I doing?" feeling quite often. These days I pretty much know what I am doing! :)

[sometimes_miss]

Do you ever wonder what you are doing. Why you want to or have the need to dress in womens cloths. Why you feel like you are thrown into this world just to be confused. <snip>
Erica, first you should stop trying to figure out where you 'fit in'. Stop trying to categorize yourself. We're all individuals, and rarely do we find a 'one and only' category where we can define everything about ourselves.
First thing I have to address is, it can take a long time to figure out why you want to dress/behave as a female. And also, finding out WILL NOT usually make the feeling go away. So you can just accept it, or investigate further. Next, sexuality is not who you feel you are or who you dress as, it's who you want to have sex with, and here it gets murky, mostly because of the huge stigma against homosexuality in western civilizations. If you have desires to have sex with other men, whether when you are dressed as a guy or dressed as a girl, you are at least bisexual, potentially homosexual if once you stay dressed as a girl you only have sexual feelings for men, AS the receptive sexual partner. And there's nothing wrong with that! It's a major thing that most of us simply cannot get out of our heads, because so many of us are raised with religion pushing homophobia down our throats.
Me, I've found a place where I'm quite comfortable with myself. Unfortunately, this place is empty other than me. So I have to go elsewhere, and be somebody else at times, and play the part of a standard issue American male. yeah, it's an act, but I'm getting good at it.

[JamieTG]

Because I started at 5 years old I really didn't understand at the beginning why I was doing this. I did know it was compulsive and I was "hooked" but it wasn't until I reached adulthood that I realized I had been born this way. Growing up in the 50's and 60's I felt a lot of shame, guilt, and rejection because of society's views. It has taken a long time to figure it all out and accept myself. I realized I needed to express myself, be authentic, and stop trying to conform to society.

[natalie edwards]

Yeah, today is the first time dressed in 9 weeks. Been fighting the feeling the last few days but it's a rainy weekend and not much else to do so I caved to the pressure. About half way thru getting dressed started thinking wtf. Then that passed and just felt comfortable again.

[Christen]

Oh sure! I still don't know whether my desire to crossdress is a compulsion or an addiction, or just allows expression of my femme side. Sometimes I feel great doing it, sometimes not. At the moment I feel good about not doing it so often. As Jen has said, it's silly and weird, but hey! we do it. I think I know who I am, just a crossdresser.

Christen x

[Anna H]

Yep, I've wondered what the heck I was doing before.

It's strange because I've never had any problem with it and always
Loved it....never did want it to go away. But still, just the sheer
oddness of it strikes me sometimes.

What I Really think is weird is that it always comes back. There's
no ever getting over it. I'd heard that my whole life, but it's one of
those things that as I get older, it becomes clearer that it's Very True!

(not that I'd ever want it to go away...lol!)

:happy: ♥

[Jilmac]

I've been dressing most of my life and was in the closet too many of those years. During those years in the closet I wondered about my attraction to women's clothes and why I loved wearing them. There was also the stigma attached to any guy who enjoyed wearing feminine finery, so it took me a long time to realize that I'm bi-gendered and to make the best of it. Now that I'm a senior citizen I finally have come to terms with who and what I am. I can dress now without fear or trepidation, and enjoy Jill for the woman she's become.

[Marcelle]

I am like a Civil War reenactor. only with modern women's clothes. Why do they do it? Don't know. Why do I do it? Don't know. I've stopped wording about it.

LOL . . . thanks for the chuckle Lisa. Now all I can see is General Lee and General Grant at Appomattox in Southern Bell hooped skirts.

Hugs

Isha

[Jamie Christopher]

I do also, but need to fulfill my other side; when I pick out a pretty bra and insert my breast forms, I change into the woman I wish I could have been; then to pick out today's outfit, the makeup, accessories, bag, shoes, all of it. To late for a transition now, but God I love being a woman, if only for a while....oh how I love it!

Jamie

[eddiegae]

I really did not give it much thought, except only rarely. Then one day at the mall on the spur of the moment I dove into a piercing place and had myself pierced in the navel! since then I constantly ask myself "I had my navel pierced? Did I actually do that?" Well, yes I did and I love it! Still find it hard to imagine myself doing it though. It was so spontaneous, even for me! lol

[kimdl93]

I spent much of my life certain that what ever I was, it was wrong, bad, perverse etc. I finally spent some time in therapy and learned to accept that whatever I was, it wasn't a crime....I was just different. It took still longer to really fully accept myself as TG and to really allow myself to express and enjoy myself. One of the benefits is to finally quite asking why, and instead, ask why not?

[HannahF6]

I have so often wondered "what am I doing". It makes no sense to me to take the risks that I regularly do decide to take. Life would be so much easier if I did not have this need to appear once in a while as a female. It makes no sense at all and I don't know why I do it. I do know that I do need to continue and that I will continue appearing as a woman, nothwithstanding the risks involved.

Hannah

[Melissa_59]

Do you ever wonder what you are doing. Why you want to or have the need to dress in womens cloths. Why you feel like you are thrown into this world just to be confused.

I used to, all the time. Then after some work with a wonderful counselor I stopped "wondering why" because when I did, I'd start beating myself up for it - and that accomplished nothing. I'd just get sad, angry, and upset with myself and that sent me even further into depression. I came to realize that I am who I am, and that I'm hurting no one with what I do. Honestly, with all the murder, war, greed, strife, and hate that goes on in the world every day, my dive into crossdressing is nothing for anyone to get upset about, especially me. While I understand there are a lot of people out there who cling to their superstitious ways and condemn anything that is different, I avoid them. They have poisoned minds, and no amount of evidence will ever change their views - YOU (meaning "you or me") cannot change their "beliefs" because belief is the acceptance of something that cannot be concretely proven - they've already accepted something and didn't require proof, so all the proof in the world won't change them.

I stopped questioning myself and beating myself up for something that is completely harmless a long time ago. I hurt no one with what I do, unlike those who hate us - they hurt everyone with what they do. And I won't be like them and hurt myself as well. :) I'm better than that.

[Beverley Sims]

I have never really wondered why, I just live the adventure.
I have for a long time.

[adrienner99]

I will never stop wondering about the Big Why. But I doubt I will ever know. It just feels so right...And I am starting to believe it is much, much more common than most people think. There are thousands of CD photos on google, flicker, pinterest, etc, and I doubt the average CD even posts a photo online...there is no telling how many of us there are...for most people the issue of gender is pretty black and white...they have no clue how confusing it can be when it's not. I like the term "CD spectrum," and have found it sort of useful to gauge who I am. Although one other question I still wonder about it--where does crossdressing end and fetish dressing begin? How are they related? Maybe what I do is more fetish dressing because there is always an arousal element to it...bottom line, I adore dressing as a girl and think science has a long way to go to explain it...

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I woke up from a good night's sleep , dressed as a man , reading posts & looking at photos of men dressed as women on a cd forum . Think about what I just said. We live incoherent lives; no wonder there are periods of elation & disgust . Erica, there are no answers... just possibilities. Very good thread and thanks to all for great responses. Peace, mel

[Emilyl]

I wonder all the time. I started little things when I was younger and now it's a full blown getaway from myself,or rather I can be a different softer gentler side of me. I think trying to deduce the reasoning is one of the biggest things about it.

[Erica Grace]

Not 'what am I doing', more like 'why can't society be more accepting of this?' Something this fun and exciting can't be all that bad, right?

Couldn't agree more, I used to wonder why but now that I have accepted it then I can enjoy the joy and fun that dressing up brings me.

[Katey888]

Of course...

Same as I wonder how in the blue blazes gravity works, and where anyone's individual persona derives from...

Some things simply are... But I've got better things to think on, like perfecting my makeup... :)

Katey x

[Ellie52]

I give up on labeling myself. I have reached a point I am happy with. I can live happily dressing occasionally, taking silly photo's, wearing a sarong and still enjoying life with my wife. Its a nice place to be. You have nothing to worry about Erica, you are a special person with a lovely heart. What more could anyone ask for....Ellie

[CarlaWestin]

Of course, I've wondered, "Why this of all things?" But as I've gotten older society and well, myself for that matter, has said why not. I can remember falling into the malaise often when I was younger, even to the point of purging. But anymore, it's just my prefered comfort zone and I really feel special and fortunate to have found my own activity to endlessly explore and enjoy.

[Gwinnie]

I wonder every time I dress. Why do I want to do this? I'll never look like a woman. Why do I want to look like a woman anyway? This one has an answer. Women are beautiful. I wish I knew why I wanted to do this so then maybe I could stop.

Gwendolyn

[Michelle V]

I always wonder what I'm doing...hiding who I really am. I look forward to the day I can be free to share with others how liberating it is to be Michelle.

[bimini1]

Well I wonder all the time, I could say ditto to alot of what's already been said. Given a different set of circumstances or stimuli/upbringing I believe I could have very well transitioned over completely. Maybe not. But we are molded by forces around us as we grow up.

I often wonder what if I would have had open opportunities to express it freely, who would I have become? What kind of potentials exist within me?

There is alot of pressure that builds up within me these days having these two separate but real personas. The more accolades they put on me as male from family, work ,etc, the greater the pressure becomes. The whole "what if they knew" factor can be almost unbearable at times.
What is the answer, try to quit? Been there done that. Sometimes you get angry, but must learn to accept reality, which is where I am now.

[Joanne108]

Yes sometimes I do wonder "what am I doing?" Then I just finish dressing and look over how I look. I usually think that I'm releasing the 'beautiful' woman that is inside me!

[Stephanie Julianna]

I don't question what I'm doing any more than why am I short, bald and Polish,

[Mz Jenna J.]

I actually just recently quit asking that question. I did for years. I was able to accept my dressing because it kinda hit me like a ton of bricks....I am a cd! And I'm more than happy with that! Now I am looking to take a few more steps like finally going out to a club. It totally helped that I have a couple GG who are totally on board with it! I find I'm much happier now that I don't ask myself that question anymore!:)

[Madilyn A.]

I no longer wonder, what I am doing. I wonder why I cannot much more often.

[kendra_gurl]

I question What am I doing more now than I did 40 years ago. I started as most here and progressed to fully transforming when I dress and going out. I have since found that going out is really not that exciting and fully transforming is becoming more difficult to maintain the look I want. So yes many times lately I plan on an evening to dress and then change my plans because it just isn't worth the trouble. I made a Vow to myself years ago I never want to see an old wrinkled woman looking back at me in the mirror and sadly she is creeping into it.


OMG had to add this thought. I wonder if there are any Crossdressers living in nursing homes or do they just exchange their panties for depends?

[JennyLynn]

All the time! I want to dispose of all my girl stuff sometimes and have in the past, only to come back. It's such a mystery to me, but it's still part of who I am. I am a man in all respects, but a woman Ã*s well. It's just a mystery that we deal with. Sometimes...most the time... I am just me... the male, but I always have Jenny here as a part of me. I love being me....the man...cutting wood, fishing, hunting..all the guy stuff, but I'm also Jenny...the sweet demure, sexy and classy girl. We're weird and misunderstood. I choose to just accept the fact that I am a man and a woman in one body. It may seem a crappy hand when you are both male and female in personality, but with patience and love for both sides of yourself, you can see it as a blessing.

[Heather-Hill]

Hi, I have questioned this once when I felt a little depressed. Now I look at this ageing male in the mirror until I get all femmed up......then I think it's all so worth it as I love looking so much younger and different.

Yes it can take time but the rewards seem so rewarding.

Love Heather XX

[busker]

this is all linked to biology and genetics, even if it has not yet been proven, then the question is not why am I doing this, but how can I do this in a society that has judged this to be an evil of sorts and still maintain my sanity.
If some portion of the population both male and female feel the need to be dressed as or BE the opposite gender, it can't have any "nurture " origins. so we find that the conflict is not in doing this but is coming to terms with a society that does not approve. We feel guilt because we THINK we've done something bad, but in reality it IS part of us and the bad part is the lack of acceptance. so we are conflicted between what society dictates and what our inner "mind" dictates as natural. It is not necessarily something to "accept" anymore than do we struggle to accept being blue-eyed or left handed. some people are born with a disposition to illness, which could be mental, diabetes, 6 toes, dwarfism, etc., we are born with some mixed up genetic material that makes us look male and yet have some desires that reflect a female nature".
If we could fix the almost near total lack of education about sex, physiology, biology and other aspects of human growth ,we could do away with a lot of the problems we experience. If kids from early on understood that some people are born with male genitals, and some with female genitals and some are born with BOTH, and that some are born with a genetic alphabet soup, when they encounter those differences it would not be the kind of negative experience that it is still for most people. They would already know that there are gender variations. Everyone is just exactly who they are.

[JennyLynn]

I may be in the minority here, but if society totally accepted me crossdressing, I would probably not find it as exciting and fulfilling as I do. would be nice to not get beat up or shunned, but there is something exciting about being different!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Erica Marie, I sometimes have that feeling as I an getting undressed.

[justbejulie2]

I agree with it all. I am a man. I am a CD'er. It helps me "feel" my feminine side. Society does agree it's good to be balanced (ying/yang, etc) and have both warrior (doing) and maiden (feeling) behaviours. The gap is that it doesn't accept the balance in a literal (clothing) sense. Why do we (the CDer's) have these needs and not the other 90% of the population? Genetics I guess, just like other traits. All I know is that I knew at about 12 years old that I was very attracted to girl panties. That hasn't changed in 40 years. What has changed is that I shamelessly buy sexy bikini panties and camisoles of wild colours for myself, because I LOOK and FEEL so good in them. (I underdress at work 100% of the time, and not aware of anyone noticing....)

My only regret is that I must hide it (kids)
Julie

[samantha rogers]

On one hand, you can examine, and explore, and analyze till you are totally worn out (I know, I have done so, and still do...tee hee)
but ultimately this is the hobby, rather than the dressing itself.. The dressing is more like breathing. Take time to learn why you breathe, if it is interesting to you, but more importantly, just accept that you have to breathe. Breathing is a whole lot easier when you just relax and let it happen.
As to guilt, I try to remember that there is a big difference between guilty feelings, and feelings and thoughts aimed at simply avoiding discomfort in the presence of others. Obviously, there are many, many people who simply do not get what we are about, and are filled with disapproval, scorn, hatred etc....but that is their problem not mine, unless I allow them to make it mine. It isnt a battle against guilt at all, but rather a battle to stay out of entanglements with other peoples negative baggage. Isn't it? It sure is for me...tee hee:heehee:

[secretlyhailey]

I often wonder what I'm doing, but then I remember learning in a class once that gender isn't just male and female, but on a figurative scale, and everyone in the world measures differently on that scale, so instead of there being 2 genders, there's 7 billion, and while mine isn't accepted widely in society, it's still my own unique gender and I can accept that.