CONFLICTED FEELINGS ; funeral service for a freind ?

[mykell]

got notice to the death of a high school buddies dad, his parents took me in when a step-mom tossed me out when younger, i went to the service out of respect for his mother, the sons did pick on me back in the day, nothing was said by most of the guys until i made my way out, not one of the sons though.

so i always try to attend functions when advised mostly by one or two guys i went to high school with but seem to always have one or two who get a dig in. I usually bite the bullet, gotten thicker skin now and don't want to make anything out of it as to get negative reaction from the one or two who keep me in the loop declining to in the future.

so i do have conflicting feelings as although i never came out to any there were always rumors to contend with and turns out they were true, but don't like to get subjected to this but like still being included on the more important events.
this time was less so because it was the first time since becoming a member and i just told myself he just doesn't get it or care. my wife loves me and he has a storied relationship record.

does this ever happen to anyone and how have you handled it.....

[celeste26]

Sorry for your loss. Funerals that are not for us, should leave all the attention for the subject of the funeral, so unless you can make yourself drop into the background it would not be appropriate to go en femme. If everyone involved knew all about you then you could "get away with it" but apparently that is not the case.

Share the memories you have and leave it at that. No sense and forcing others to recognize things they have no memories of.

Blessings

[mykell]

celeste;
was not "en femme", this time was a funeral that i felt i should attend, another time was a forty b-day things of that nature, we dont socialize as everyday norm, most grow away after high school, some keep me in the loop on the bigger events....

[donnalee]

You went to the funeral of a someone who befriended you and gave you shelter when you were in need. I admire your courage and your principles; it was a brave and ethical thing to do and would have made your friend happy, even though you had some doubts. Those who criticized your attendance are very much in the wrong.

[Beverley Sims]

Always do what you feel is right otherwise you will always have regrets.
Yes, bite the bullet but conduct yourself with decorum.

[Katey888]

Conflicting feelings are often the hardest ones to deal with in life, Mikell - and it's surprising how often they seem to come up sometimes...

I've never had to deal with anything as much of a conflict as this would have been for you. The closest I can relate to this is the untimely death of an ex-GF where I received notice of the funeral too late to attend... I think you've been courageous to go - and respectful, but at some cost to yourself.

I suppose in life there is often a little cost and sacrifice in doing the right thing, as you feel it.. :hugs:

Katey x

[mykell]

You went to the funeral of a someone who befriended you and gave you shelter when you were in need. I admire your courage and your principles; it was a brave and ethical thing to do and would have made your friend happy, even though you had some doubts. Those who criticized your attendance are very much in the wrong.
was not criticized for attending, just for being mikell in general at other functions as well as in high school, odd off color remarks...

Always do what you feel is right otherwise you will always have regrets.
Yes, bite the bullet but conduct yourself with decorum.
i have bit the bullet many times in life, i felt the family members were appreciative of my attendance, just wish the other fella would of showed more respect....

Conflicting feelings are often the hardest ones to deal with in life, Mikell - and it's surprising how often they seem to come up sometimes...

I've never had to deal with anything as much of a conflict as this would have been for you. The closest I can relate to this is the untimely death of an ex-GF where I received notice of the funeral too late to attend... I think you've been courageous to go - and respectful, but at some cost to yourself.

I suppose in life there is often a little cost and sacrifice in doing the right thing, as you feel it.. :hugs:

Katey x
thanks katey, i did learn one thing, even though i was dressed as my male "self", mikell was the one whom attended....

[reb.femme]

What is it about weddings and funerals that seem to bring out the worst in people? As an old adage goes, "it takes less muscles to smile, than is does to frown".

It surely is easier is it not to be nice to people than the extra effort to be mean? By attending the funeral you have said your thanks to the person that mattered most on the day.

Rebecca

[sandra-leigh]

It can depend on the friends. This January I went to the funeral of the mother of my best friend. I did not know her well at all, but I went for him and his family. I went in jeans as the only other bottoms I had were skirts and I didn't want to be causing a stir by introducing myself for the first time. But a couple of days afterwards I had dinner with him and his family, and had a long talk about my transition, and said that the funeral might be the last time that I appear in public as "male"; they said they had no problem with that. So next time (and may it be a long while yet), I will be there as me, not as a guy, and it will not be a problem.

[mechamoose]

You are there to pay your respects, and to show appreciation to those parents. If the boys haven't grown up by now, then they just aren't.

Funerals aren't the place for that kind of thing. A soul is in motion.

- MM

[sometimes_miss]

While I don't go out en femme, I grew up being the class joke all through school. So I don't spend a lot of time at social functions with people I grew up with, as there is also always some moron who feels the need to offer some verbal annoyances too.
At funerals, I go early, pay my respects, and leave. If I get there before the any relatives/friends of the deceased get there, I make sure I sign in, then go home and send a card and write something as nice as I can in it. Sending flowers is always optional, or perhaps a mass card if you go to the same church as they do.

[sanderlay]

I admire your courage and conviction to attend and pay your respects. It's not easy, but it helps with closure, for you and those attending. I can say goodbye and give them my respects, my good thoughts, my best wishes and remember the good times.

Even after the funeral, months or years later, this is why I come. Some times with a friend so I can visit, perhaps lay some flowers on a grave(s), and again give my respects, to those I know and those I don't.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mikell, The main thing is that you payed your respect.

[mykell]

Hi Mikell, The main thing is that you payed your respect.
that was my point, being ribbed or not, they were their when i needed a place....

I admire your courage and conviction to attend and pay your respects. It's not easy, but it helps with closure, for you and those attending. I can say goodbye and give them my respects, my good thoughts, my best wishes and remember the good times.

Even after the funeral, months or years later, this is why I come. Some times with a friend so I can visit, perhaps lay some flowers on a grave(s), and again give my respects, to those I know and those I don't.
was there because of the good times and tried to focus on them....

It can depend on the friends. This January I went to the funeral of the mother of my best friend. I did not know her well at all, but I went for him and his family. I went in jeans as the only other bottoms I had were skirts and I didn't want to be causing a stir by introducing myself for the first time. But a couple of days afterwards I had dinner with him and his family, and had a long talk about my transition, and said that the funeral might be the last time that I appear in public as "male"; they said they had no problem with that. So next time (and may it be a long while yet), I will be there as me, not as a guy, and it will not be a problem.
i missed a funeral last week of one of the guys mom who liked to give it to me when drinking deep down i think he cds...

"While I don't go out en femme, I grew up being the class joke all through school. So I don't spend a lot of time at social functions with people I grew up with, as there is also always some moron who feels the need to offer some verbal annoyances too. "

never came out but their were rumors, always had girlfriends, but wanted to wear they're clothes.....

[MsVal]

Mikell, I believe that your feelings are conflicting because you are attempting to combine a square block and a round hole.

You were absolutely correct in attending the funeral of one that that was so very kind to you at a time when, it would appear, you were quite in need of kindness. You didn't go for this reason, I realize, but I want to praise you for that. Please don't ever stop being a good person.

There are some people in your life that find joy by taking it from others. It happened that they were at the same funeral. That is highly unfortunate. Regrettably, I have no suggestion better than your own "bite the bullet". Perchance someone else can provide one.

Best wishes
MsVal