Guilt, shame -huh?

[Dani0948]

I can understand how many of us could feel perplexed about dressing, but I never really fealt bad or guilty about my dressing. It was just something I did. Somehow I instictively knew that I couldn't share with others. Nobody ever told me that I was doing something wrong. I always wanted to understand what this was all about, but never really fealt guilty or ashamed. This is just somthing private that I do for me. Kinda selfish, but true. You should only feel guilty if you're doing somthing wrong. How could this be wrong?

[Wildaboutheels]

I think the guilt and the shame are the crux of the matter for a goodly percentage here...and ultimately what led many to "full/er" dressing as the "itch" waned.

Our brains do this MANY times a day with all manner of things to protect us from ourselves. It's well documented and aptly illustrated every single episode of NGCs Brain Games. They just did a really bang up article a couple of months ago in the mag and talked about the Jennifer Anniston gene. They also chose to post ONE bad picture of her to prove a point and to see if anyone was paying attention I believe.

[Jenniferathome]

Normally, one has shame for anything that one can not share freely. That can be overeating, hoarding, cross dressing, etc. As a 7 year old, I knew that cross dressing must be "wrong" or "bad." I knew the rules about boys and girls, I didn't know why, but I knew the rules. I suspect in your very early years, there was a seed of shame.

[Adriana Moretti]

but I never really fealt bad or guilty about my dressing. It was just something I did. me too...its not that big a deal to me either...i can see why though for some it is I guess it depends on how & where you grew up somewhat ....

[Maria 60]

That's true, but for myself there was guilt and after every time, there was that never going to be a next time promise. When I told my wife and after talking and teller her were I wanted to go with the dressing was the day the guilt ended. She told me that there was nothing wrong with me and just enjoy it, and that I wasn't harming nobody and to enjoy and have fun and if there was anything I needed to ask her. A new world opened up, actually dressing and enjoying it and afterwards no guilt.

[suchacutie]

It's probably easier for those of us who found our feminine selves long after becoming adults (I was 55). For my wife and me it was an intense curiosity and an adventure. It was finding out who I really was, and by corollary who we had been and were to become.

It's just natural and exciting, and one more thing that the two of us share.

If I had faced this alone as an adolescent, I think I'd probably be relating a different story.

[Tanya+]

I grew up Catholic, they sneak the guilt in at baptism, and funnily enough i get a bigger buzz from dressing when i feel guilty about it. Buddhism helped cure the guilt and self hatred. Self acceptance made my while life work better. I'm so glad you skipped the guilt Dani.

[Beverley Sims]

Guilt and shame comes from our upbringing, it is indoctrinated in us.

[Melissa_59]

I've always associated the guilt feelings with a religious upbringing. I had a religious upbringing and I remember being taught how simply being born made me a bad person - the whole "born a sinner" thing, like what did we ever do? Didn't "ask" to be born, you know. It's like stepping up to the plate with a full count on you already. I learned later on that this sort of indoctrination is wrong, being made to feel bad or guilty for something you have absolutely no control over - like being born, or crossdressing. That sort of indoctrination is a measure of control over others, to keep them coming back (and putting money in the offering plates) for more on "How one day you 'might' eventually be worthy but if you even think you're worthy for one second (hubris) then you're guilty of sin again"... what a way to raise children, to teach them that from the day they're born that they're rotten to the core.

I'm so glad I tossed those shackles off long ago. I am MUCH happier these days.

[Tamara Segunda]

As a kid, I also suffered from "Catholic Syndrome." I struggled with huge guilt -- not from crossdressing, exactly, but from masturbation. I was told it was a mortal sin that could send you straight to hell. Crossdressing and cross-gender behavior, like playing with makeup, often did lead me to masturbate, but somehow my mind was able to keep those things separate. Of course I knew that discovery could bring down a holocaust of hatred and rejection, so I kept the CD stuff hidden, but somehow I never considered it to actually be a *sin*. Happily, over time, I grew up and discarded the parts of my background that were based on magic and superstition, and learned to accept myself if far from perfect, at least not a predestined resident of Hellfire Acres. :-)

[kimdl93]

Normally, one has shame for anything that one can not share freely. That can be overeating, hoarding, cross dressing, etc. As a 7 year old, I knew that cross dressing must be "wrong" or "bad." I knew the rules about boys and girls, I didn't know why, but I knew the rules. I suspect in your very early years, there was a seed of shame.

I learned how not to be effeminate very early in life. Nature, that prankster, put some decidedly female preferences in a decidedly male body. But from my earliest recollections I understood that whatever I was doing...that I don't fully recall...was clearly NOT acceptable behavior for a very young boy. So I most certainly felt guilty, definitely felt shame and most assuredly learned to hide or repress or deny any behavior I thought might betray my secret.

For those who have never felt guilt or shame, you're lucky. It's not fun.

[dana digs sweaters]

Guilt? Shame? Nope, Never.
Obviously we all grew up in different situations. Crossdressing with my sisters was always fun. Fun as a goof & just innocent childhood games.
Why would me crossdressing in private not still be fun? I dressed in my room when they were not around to play our dressup games, so I had my own dressup games.
Croosdressing while young was fun & still fun now as an adult.
Puberty is a whole different subject for all of us.

[ArleneRaquel]

No shame or guilt here. I ador dressing as a woman 24/7.

[Stephanie47]

Dani, I went back and read a lot of your initiated postings. For someone who felt/feels no guilt or shame about cross dressing, you sure do a lot to conceal it. You're two years younger than I. Back in the 1960's and 1970's there wasn't any broad discussions concerning cross dressing, and, and there was absolutely zero acceptance for any relationship other than heterosexual marital sex.

My formative years were a trying time for me. I'd make a wager anyone reaching manhood in the 1960's and 1970's would have been dealing with a lot of sexual conflict within themselves.

[Kate Simmons]

I never did have a problem with or feel guilty about CDing myself. I did go to a therapist but the reason was to figure out how to deal with family and friends that did have a problem with it.The end result gave me the ability to manage my feelings and my life.:)

[busker]

There is a very enlightening T.E.D. talk about guild and shame that is really an eye opener. It is about 20 minutes and well worth the time to view.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame#

and her talk about vulnerability
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

[bimini1]

I've always associated the guilt feelings with a religious upbringing. I had a religious upbringing and I remember being taught how simply being born made me a bad person - the whole "born a sinner" thing, like what did we ever do? Didn't "ask" to be born, you know. It's like stepping up to the plate with a full count on you already. I learned later on that this sort of indoctrination is wrong, being made to feel bad or guilty for something you have absolutely no control over - like being born, or crossdressing. That sort of indoctrination is a measure of control over others, to keep them coming back (and putting money in the offering plates) for more on "How one day you 'might' eventually be worthy but if you even think you're worthy for one second (hubris) then you're guilty of sin again"... what a way to raise children, to teach them that from the day they're born that they're rotten to the core.

I'm so glad I tossed those shackles off long ago. I am MUCH happier these days.

I was raised like this too and at first I thought it was garbage now not so sure. Afterall you don't have to teach a child to be bad. Their selfish little brats at the core. I love children but this is what they bring with them into the world. Think of all the sin you've done in life.

[sanderlay]

For me... there certainly was a time in my life when I felt those feeling and messages. And for myself it was not a fun feeling at all especially when it relates to a secret that your hiding at all costs. But over time and much study I realized these messages were wrong. It taught me to not just take someones word or a groups word for what is. That it is my responsibility to seek the truth for my own life and live it.

This helped me to accept who I am and live a happier life without guilt or shame for being a CD / TG. Life also gave me the opportunities to end the power that secret had on my life and be open about who I to family and friends.

Guilt to Acceptance.
Shame to Pride
Secret to Openness

:)

[natcrys]

I have never felt guilty about my dressing.. never!

However, I have felt and still feel worried about what my dressing could do to other people's lives, in my case.. my parents' lives. To me, worry and guilt are not the same.. but I could see that some might argue that they are related.

Also, if you have been explicitly told by an authority (parents, family, church, etc.) that dressing up is wrong.. and you have been told this your whole life, then I completely can understand that one feels very guilty about dressing up. It's a sad reality for a lot of CD's.. actually, for a lot of LGBTQ's out there! And this has led to awful stories with horrible endings. :(

[Davina4587]

I don't feel any guilt in my actual crossdressing however where I do feel it is because I'm dressing behind my SO's back and in a way I feel like I'm cheating on her.

I know she loves me very much and I feel the same way about her. I am not willing or ready at this stage to risk Davina coming between us.

So for now I'll only dress when I know there is no risk of my secret being discovered and deal with the guilt.

Davina
x

[MetalGurl]

Guilt or shame are words that are too strong for how I feel, really. What I feel is a sadness that this is something I feel I have to hide and cannot be freely. Which I think is probably feelings that most of us can relate to. The clothes don't make me feel bad at all, they make me feel good.

[Bryn]

I do feel ashamed and guilty at times. I guess I just get the feeling that there's something wrong with me.
I don't know why.

[Ms. Alexis]

I was made to feel guilty by my last X wife, but then I found out later that she had been cheating from day one and was bipolar, so my being bi-gendered was just another tool to use to manipulate. After getting out of that situation I came to realize that I've always been this way back much earlier than I even initially remembered and have come to terms with myself. Definitely a double edged sword.. It truly is a gift being able to be either gender, and being able to understand so much, but not without a price. Of course I am happy to be able to experience the best of both worlds and will gladly take whatever comes with it!

[NathalieX66]

Well, I felt guilt and shame for a very long time. Mainly because I saw LOTS of gay and lesbian couples, but never transgender people. What made it even worse was I'm still attracted to females, and thinking at being trans was some sort of hyper gayness. Nothing ever made sense.

Having been out in the trans community gave me an enormous understanding of what being transgender really is.

And to Dani0948's original post...... being in my 20's, wearing sexy panties, having shaved legs, and painted toes under my jeans, you know, having this dark secret while talking to attractive girls made me feel tremendously inadequate. I felt like dirt.
Being in your 20's is a very high pressure time socially.

[Melissa_59]

I was raised like this too and at first I thought it was garbage now not so sure. Afterall you don't have to teach a child to be bad. Their selfish little brats at the core. I love children but this is what they bring with them into the world. Think of all the sin you've done in life.

That selfishness is a survival instinct. I saw it with my children when they were babies, you put three of them on the floor and one of them will end up with the bottles of the other two pretty soon. If a parent doesn't take the time to teach a child morals and responsibility then sure, they'll be selfish little brats as you suggested. But morals do not come exclusively from religion. You can teach someone to do the right thing without the threat of "eternal damnation" hanging over them. It's called maturing.

If the only time people do the right thing is because they're afraid that SkyDaddy will punish them, then they seriously need to grow up and do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

[Beverley Sims]

Never guilt or shame, I did realise that it was different and was not accepted readily by others.
Like the French during the war.....
I went underground. :)

[MsVal]

Crossdressing is socially unacceptable. It, and those that practice it are generally considered "weird" or worse, sometimes much worse.

As a latecomer to the party, I have a long established persona of a conservative, heterosexual, Christian, middle class, responsible man. Like many others here, I have a family that sees me in a different although similar light.

This weirdness is known only by my sweet wife, and those on this forum through an anonymous name.

So, why is my crossdressing hidden from the rest of the world, and even my name is hidden from this support group? It's because I believe that disclosure would hurt those closest to me. By keeping this a secret, I am less than honest to my family. Hiding it from them makes me feel guilty and ashamed of myself for being secretly weird.

Therefore, while I am comfortable with the crossdressing and would make a general disclosure immediately, the effect it would have on my loved ones holds me back. That dishonesty, not the crossdressing, is the root of my discomfort.

Best wishes
MsVal

[AprilMayy<3]

I went through a shame phase for about a year which only ended about 3 months ago. My goodness, it was terrible. I would so much fun dressed up, taking pictures, etc etc. Then I would have to put it all away. I felt ashamed of myself because I've had to hide it, which after every session of dressing it was awful. After I told my mom and I had actually outside(sorta)help, it quickly rid me of my shame. I wasn't doing anything wrong, as I knew many people crossdressed, just I felt that I was doing something wrong. With my mom knowing and her support it was reassuring, so now I feel no shame when dressing. :)
Though I do get a little bit sad when I have to put it all away, but that's just something I have to deal with for only a little bit longer.

[Marissa V]

I can understand how many of us could feel perplexed about dressing, but I never really fealt bad or guilty about my dressing. It was just something I did. Somehow I instictively knew that I couldn't share with others. Nobody ever told me that I was doing something wrong. I always wanted to understand what this was all about, but never really fealt guilty or ashamed. This is just somthing private that I do for me. Kinda selfish, but true. You should only feel guilty if you're doing somthing wrong. How could this be wrong?

If, like in my case, you get found out at the age of 12 and your mum treats you like someone that needs a lobotomy so to speak...you get guilt and shame after a while when you realise it just doesnt change anything. And its the essence of brain washing....repeat something often enough and you'll start to believe it. I agree its the shame of someone else projected onto you...but its shame none the less. You feel it, you start to identify with it.

[NicoleScott]

Somehow I instictively knew that I couldn't share with others. Nobody ever told me that I was doing something wrong.

Kinda confused by this. If you never shared it with others, how could they tell you it was wrong?
As to "instinctively knew", I don't think so. More likely, at a very young age we began to learn, and in very subtle ways, like observing that men and women dress differently. It wasn't drilled into us, and we didn't know instinctively, we just learned.
Whether you are right (instinctive) or I am right (learned), most all of us tried on that first item behind a closed door. We just knew.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Ms.Val... Profound comments... Peace, mel

[LelaK]

I'm really sorry about the false guilt and shame that so many have suffered. I'm lucky I never suffered much of that myself. The false guilt that I did experience was so mild that it was almost nothing, like a mosquito bite. I never felt guilt or shame about crossdressing. Actually, I don't remember what I had false guilt about, but I think it was when I was in my 20s or 30s.

I'm glad that I do feel proper guilt when I do something wrong; otherwise I wouldn't realize when I do wrong to anyone and need to apologize etc.

I was raised Catholic too, but I guess I never noticed the popular belief that people are born sinners who are unworthy of anything good. To me sinning just meant that we make mistakes, so we just need to learn not to keep making them. Instead of feeling unworthy, I felt that God was all-loving and appreciated me and all others no matter what. I felt more affection from this God-image in my mind than I did from my parents or anyone else. There didn't seem to be much affection for me from people. Mom was kind of aloof and Dad was scarey to be around, because he'd lose his temper over almost anything.

I remember at an early age, maybe 8 or so, deciding that Satan wasn't real, but just a scare tactic to keep people in line. I guess I'm pretty lucky that my life was never burdened with a fear of me or loved ones ending up in eternal hell.

[immike]

The only guilt I harbor is that I dressed in mothers clothes for many years,in secret,every day when she went to work.I would
lift a fresh pkg of pantyhose out of her drawer&put them on&proceed to dress in many of mothers good wardrobe,including her
skirts,dress slacks,silk blouses,all of her pantsuits&skirtsuits.I would dress completely in one of her skirtsuits,with a silk blouse,
then walk in the closet&step into a pair of her heels&sit down at her makeup table&try on her wigs&do makeup

[Milou]

It's the only thing I feel mixed with some excitement, relaxation and ... yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

[Karen kc]

When I was young I felt guilty because I thought I was the only boy in the world how wore moms under things. Guilt? not now!!

[JamieTG]

As a baby boomer growing up in the 50's and 60's I was judging myself based on society standards. The guilt and shame I felt came from feeling different and rejected by society. I didn't really get over this until the internet came along and saw there were so many others like myself.

[Alice Torn]

Always have had a gulit complex about being alive. The family guilt trips, trips from teachers, and other kids. Guilt from the Bible and churches. I enjoy getting pretty, but have not been able to shake the lifelong guilt and shame. I fell like ending my pain often.

[DebbieL]

I didn't feel guilty about dressing, or wanting to be a girl. Those were just facts. What I felt guilty about was having to lie about it. I didn't find out until my father was about to die that they had tried to protect me from the "Cure" for transsexualism back in the 1960s. Back then, they would use shock therapy every day for months - no anesthesia, no sedatives, just extreme pain until you pass out, and then the same the next day. My mother had been through such "treatment" because she was raped by a politician's son. The bigger fear was that if that didn't work, they would give me a lobotomy.

But I didn't know any of this at the time. I just knew that I couldn't talk about it with anybody. My parents knew but wouldn't talk about it. I tried discussing it with psychologists and therapists and they would refuse to even allow me to say another word about it.

I FINALLY told an A.A. sponsor who told me I had to tell my lover (who became my wife later). Finally, at 33 years old, after years of domestic abuse, I finally saw a therapist with experience in Gender dysphoria. It took him two sessions to realize that I was a type 6 transsexual and should transition. My wife couldn't accept that, so we got divorced.

I started transition with a lover who was very supportive, and was about to start hormones when my ex-wife showed me a letter that would have had my visitation revoked - and told me she had worked in the court-house long enough to know exactly which judge would issue the order. If I wanted to see the kids, I had to abort my transition.

200 lbs, 1 heart attack, and 1 stroke later, I realized that if I didn't transition, I would probably end up prematurely dead, so I started transition again. I'm now living full time as a woman.

I hated the lies, the deception, having to keep the secrets, worrying that my grandfather would find out (a fundamentalist Christian who might have sent me to a Christian "deprogramming" program or boarding school).

Things have changed SO MUCH in the last 50 years, and most of that has been in the last 7-8 years.

[Katey888]

Crossdressing is socially unacceptable. It, and those that practice it are generally considered "weird" or worse, sometimes much worse.
...
Therefore, while I am comfortable with the crossdressing and would make a general disclosure immediately, the effect it would have on my loved ones holds me back. That dishonesty, not the crossdressing, is the root of my discomfort.

Best wishes
MsVal

With the exception of not being much of a latecomer and that I believe my wife does not know, then that - MsVal - is a great summation for me also, which I intend to cut out, edit a little bit for me, and keep! :)

Thank you!

Katey x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Dani, I used to feel guilt but I got over it.

[CynthiaD]

I used to feel a lot of shame about dressing, and even suppressed the whole thing for quite a while. But one advantage of getting old is you gradually cease to care what others think. I finally got to the point where I decided that I had paid my dues. If I wanted to wear dresses, I was darn well going to, and if others didn't like it, well too bad for them. I'm happy with who I am.