Going out that first time...

[Nikki50/50]

...was exhilharating, as much as it was terrifying. The anxiety/panic attacks were very short lived; only moments, but still horrendous. But I passed... With only two exceptions, where I inadvertently gave myself away. It was over five years ago or so...The first of those instances (which I will NEVER forget), an older middle-age lady guessed it at the dressing room of a department store. I was waiting for a booth to open, and this lady (who was very nice) struck up a conversation with me while we were both waiting. But my nerves were on edge, and I became visibly agitated, because she finally asked me what was wrong that cause my hands to shake. I looked down, and yes. They were shaking. Without thinking, I said it--"Oh s**t"---in full baritone LOL. As the blood drained from my face, this wonderful woman put her hand on my arm and said "Oh dear, I guess I can see now what has you so nervous. You don't go out publically, much, do you?"
I shook my head no, and she said, "well no wonder, I wouldn't go out in those shoes, either." Which made me smile, and relax a bit. The rest of the conversation got easier, and no more was said about the true nature of anything at all. I will always remember her, and I am ashamed to say I never asked her name.
The SECOND instance was my own stupidity, on THAT SAME DAY!
I was a bit inebriated at the time (believing it would help with nerves. It did.), but still; being aware of one's surroundings is IMPORTANT!! So no matter what, girls: ALWAYS remember that walking into the men's room and using the urinal is a BAD idea on your first outing, especially in a crowded restaurant. Keep your head, and don't get so buzzed on alcohol that you forget certain things LOL.
But all in all, that first time was the hardest. The most exciting. The most a fledgling girl could ask for in a first time "Out-and-about".

[Beverley Sims]

Nikki,
There are a couple of mistakes you will never make again. :)

Much better now I bet!

[ArleneRaquel]

Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your story. My first outting enfemme was over 40 years ago. I was nervous as can be. Best Wishes and may your journey contine in a positive way ! Hugs !

[Nikki50/50]

LOL Yes, much better these days. I HAVE, on occasion; used the Men's room (while completely sober lol) since then, while as Nikki... Because there were times when I simply did not give a single damn about the reactions/opinions of whomever may have had a problem with it. As time passed, I suppose I became more accepting of both versions of myself, and it seems as though the world is following the same path. While still novel enough to bring the staring, and occasional whispering...the acceptance of us by the greater body of our culture has broadened considerably, and is still expanding. It's a wonderful time for us. I don't disguise my voice anymore, either. It was too much of a chore. My voice has softened on its own, anyway. Time and over-use (singer, here) can do that lol

[Helen_Highwater]

Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your story. My first outting enfemme was over 40 years ago. I was nervous as can be. Best Wishes and may your journey contine in a positive way ! Hugs !

I would image that society was far less tolerant so those of us who've only been going out in recent times have it relatively much easier ( I have the Monty Python 4 Yorkshire men sketch now playing at the back of my mind).

[Krisi]

Getting so buzzed on alcohol that you forget certain things is never good, crossdressed or not. A drink or two may loosen you up, but it's downhill from there on. Being a man dressed as a woman and too drunk to understand the situation can only lead to bad things.

[CarlaWestin]

I wouldn't go out in those shoes, either.................. ALWAYS remember that walking into the men's room and using the urinal is a BAD idea on your first outing

This is part of what makes CDing interesting. These are priceless. Like the time I told the female police officer, "I'm not the only one crossdressed here!"

[BillieJoEllen]

I can almost relive each moment of my first time out. My wig was flawless as was my makeup. I smelled so feminine (at least to me), my dress and light tan, knee length trench coat fit perfectly. My purse matched my navy colored shoes and the womanly body I carefully sculpted with my various foundations gave me a lot of confidence. I was ready to go. I lived in a second floor apartment at the end of a long hall. I opened the door and made my way down to the entrance. I looked through the glass front door, took a deep breath and out I went. I can still remember thinking that the people on the other side of the street can probably hear my heart pounding. I regretted not parking my car curbside in front of the building and had to walk about 100 yds to my car. Only one man saw me this whole time. Got in my car and drove away. I can't explain the feeling I had when I glanced down and saw my nyloned legs sticking out from beneath my skirt operating the foot pedals of my car. I felt so feminine at that point. I drove around the city for a while and then found a place to park. I got out and walked around the block without incident. I did this three more times. On my last stroll I unexpectedly came upon six high school girls coming toward me. I continued on the best I could. Except for one girl they all ignored me as we passed. The sixth girl kept looking intently at me. I think she figured me out. Drove back to my apartment and made it safely back inside. Very exhilarating.

[KaceyR]

Always neat to read these. My first step outside the apartment...half a block worth to reach my parked car. Then going to Macy's enfemme..but no makeup. A couple deep breaths and step out and walk into the Macys..and following a couple ladies that held the door for me. Once made over (even with a "cute girl" comment by a passerby) ..getting out to a few other places... again brief butterflies before heading into Target later... but handling it ok once I got out and started walking. And just focusing on the shopping I was doing. And even eating at a busy restaurant to finish the night. It was awesome. I've only been out a few times since... and I've yet to tackle 2 things when out.. the "bathroom" challenge, and a dressing room challenge. With SA cooperation, the dressing room will probably be tomorrow :).
But overall it's Fun, its' great to break down fear barriers and anxieties (kind of equate it to doing the initial toast as best man for a friend's wedding :)), and so far not so much of a bad issue. I've a feeling this spring/summer is going to be really neat! :)

[franchesca]

Great story Nikki! Thats been one of my fears go out in public and the whole bathroom issue lol I could only imagine if somebody walked in and saw!

[Nikki50/50]

LOL
Oh people saw me, alright! Every day is an adventure. Good and bad will happen dressed or not. The fears we feel are only our own expectations being shattered. That woman that talked with me that day showed me that I didn't have to fear it being shattered. She showed me how to grab a hammer so I could shatter my fears properly. :D

[morgan29]

My first outting was over a year ago. I will be going on my second out ting this thursday. wish me luck.

[Marcelle]

Hi Nikki,

Lovely and humorous story. Those moments when someone goes the extra mile to make you feel comfortable are always great. You are right though every time out is an adventure as you never know what is going to happen. My first time out was similar to yours, nerve wracking, full of fear, self doubt and self consciousness. However, once things normalized and I got used to being out the butterflies subsided and things just went on.

Thanks for sharing.

Hugs

Isha