Forum causing us to get caught?

[CharleneCD]

Is coming to this forum putting those who are in the closet at higher risk of getting caught by a spouse?

This question has come to mind as I have been watching the string of gals getting caught by their wives. I am wondering why so many. One thought I have had is that this forum could be part of the cause. We see the girls who are not in the closet doing so much with their fem sides. They go out, take lots of pictures, and have fun. The rest of us want that for ourselves. I know it is that way for me. The stories the other girls tell has helped me do things I never would have imagined otherwise. This is not a problem for me though as my wife knows and accepts Charlene. But for those with unknowing spouses, I can see it being a problem. They start taking risks to try to be like those of us that are out. This puts them more at risk for being caught.

Maybe it is time for those in the closet to re-evaluate telling their spouses. Coming clean on your own may cause problems, but it is going to be a lot less than if they have to catch you and confront you. It also takes away a good portion of the betrayal factor. And as LindaHexi's recent thread shows they may be more accepting than you might expect. Even if they hate it and tell you to do it when they are not around, that is a lot better than hiding it. Now I know that some wives will not tolerate it at all, so each of you must carefully consider whether or not to take the risk. But please do consider telling them. I hate to see my sisters in pain when these confrontations take place.

GG's please add your thoughts and suggestions to this.

[kathy gg]

Getting "caught" indicates no plan or desire to ever come clean and share.
Getting "caught" takes away your credibility and any control you have to explain in a mature fashion.

Telling at least gives you time to plan how,when,where, and why.

BUT.....once you tell...you can never un-tell....

is that the input you had in mind Charlene?

[Sarahgurl371]

I agree that reading the threads here, can definatley make one feel like, "why be so afraid". Thats kinda what I get. My wife knew before I joined here. And I told her when I did. But I can certainlly see how being a member here could push a person to take the chance.

[uknowhoo]

I agree with Charlene's premise. More of us gals are getting caught by virtue of being here. In some cases, we're more motivated to have more time in femme. That just increases the odds of getting caught, it's a numbers game. Also, I expect some of us who are still closeted and want to get out simply take more chances in a subconscious effort to get caught, thereby forcing ourselves out of the closet. While I don't think it's probably the best way to out oneself, I expect it's a contributing factor in our "caught" numbers. Tammi

[Darlena]

It's a very difficult situation to explain to your spouse. That is why I made sure my two wives knew this about me as soon as we started dating. My first, in fact, loved to wear my clothes as I wore hers.(role reversal?) I agree with Kathy from Canada. If you must sneak behind your SO's back then you should consider it disingenuine and she would be right in distrusting you as you are hiding behind a mask of sorts and not revealing who you really are. I know it's not easy, but to be fair to her, divulge with great care the nature of your hiding. Enlist the help of our GG sisters on the forum. I'm sure they would love to explain their thoughts and feelings. Then do a print out and leave it where she'll find it.(timing is important. not after an argument. after a great love making session I think would work) Do your research and present her with hereto unknown facts about CDing. Too many people have myths to base their assumptions upon. Best wishes to you and yours,

[CharleneCD]

Getting "caught" indicates no plan or desire to ever come clean and share.
Getting "caught" takes away your credibility and any control you have to explain in a mature fashion.

Telling at least gives you time to plan how,when,where, and why.

BUT.....once you tell...you can never un-tell....

is that the input you had in mind Charlene?

That is exactly what I am after Kathy. I am an out and about Cd and can only give my perspective. For this topic to be debated and thought about properly we need all perspectives, especialy the GG's.

[Raychel]

This forum may have contributed to my having the courage to tell my wife. And reading theother post sure did make me believe that it is way better to tell her before getting caught. I am sure that it was the right decision to come out to my wife. It was rough for a while. But it is much better now.

[susan kay]

It's a very difficult situation to explain to your spouse. That is why I made sure my two wives knew this about me as soon as we started dating. My first, in fact, loved to wear my clothes as I wore hers.(role reversal?) I agree with Kathy from Canada. If you must sneak behind your SO's back then you should consider it disingenuine and she would be right in distrusting you as you are hiding behind a mask of sorts and not revealing who you really are. I know it's not easy, but to be fair to her, divulge with great care the nature of your hiding. Enlist the help of our GG sisters on the forum. I'm sure they would love to explain their thoughts and feelings. Then do a print out and leave it where she'll find it.(timing is important. not after an argument. after a great love making session I think would work) Do your research and present her with hereto unknown facts about CDing. Too many people have myths to base their assumptions upon. Best wishes to you and yours, You are absolutely 100% Right in your quote thank you. Oh You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL wish i looked as Good. Have a good one.Susan Kay

[Clarissa3d]

Well the question really is show or tell? Here is my bit;

My ability to tell my ex wife that I am a CD felt more like I was going to have a heart attack so I would fail. So I thought if I showed her by small things of interest like talking about clothes with full interest or playing with her shoes with my feet. She did not take the hint. So late one night before we where married I told her on a phone call that I like to wear womens clothes! would'nt you know it she dozed off when I said it and did not remember me telling her.

I brought up the conversation the next day but she made no mention of my coment (@%@%)
well we got married and still I could not get the nerve up to tell her. I would do anything for her with out a doubt! but realizing who I am and having a balance of male/female self. Knowing how she is and a major haterid for gays /lesbians / crossdressers etc... I loved her to much to tell her so this is why I kept this a secret from her for so long.

She did find my hidden secrets several times and her fix was to tell me NEVER to do this again!
The finnal time was her catching me dawning a bra and well the fireworks went off.
So here I sit in a freinds basement living on my own.
Some GGs no matter what are wonderful people and are human so no one is perfect. I am one of those that is opened minded, but consider who I am.

just my ramblings...

[Dragster]

Joining this forum brought me to the same conclusion about 9 months ago Charlene, and others suggested that buying "My Husband Betty" to use as a discussion document was a good way to go about it.
I first told my wife almost 20 years ago (after 15-20 years of married life, but we swept it under the carpet then when she said she "didn't want to know". I've been so discreet since, that I think she assumed it had all gone away, but after reading other GGs points of view (it's really great to have them here), I decided to make one last effort to clear the air between us, whatever the outcome. It wasn't right to continue living a lie for ever.
Well, I bought the book, read it myself, and gave it to her last April to read the first 4 chapters. She's on chapter 2 now, but insists she will read it and we will talk about it. Wish me luck! It's a good job I'm a patient chap, but that's maybe part of my feminine side anyway!

Tony

[TGMarla]

Yeah, this forum caused me to get caught. I was on it looking at someone's picture when my wife walked into the room and saw it. Oh, great. We got to have "the talk". Then I wrote her a letter and spilled everything. So no, the forum didn't coerce me into a confession. Perhaps it would have been better that way. But the forum did cause me to completely come clean. Ironic, huh?

By the way......I'm a crossdresser!


I feel so much better now that I've said it!

[Deborah]

I've done more to become the girl i am today since i joined this forum then i have done in my life up until then. Oh and i don't have to worry about getting caught. She left me only knowing half the story.

Thank God for the Internet. :D

[Tiffy]

I can only speak for myself. I am out to my wife and family so there are no worries there. But, I have done more for my Cd'ing since I joined here than in the 21 years I dressed prior to this forum. So I could see how people may feel empowered or less afraid. I have blurted out the fact that I am a CD to several people in the past few months. In the past 21 years I only told my wife. And that was 5 years ago. I have told almost a dozen people in the past 6 to 8 months. So this place has helped me enjoy who I am. And now I would never want to be a normal male.

So in short, I am not sure if it makes some get caught. But, it sure can give them a shove in the direction of comming out. Best of luck ladies.

Kisses, April Marie

[MsJanessa]

While there are advantages to coming out to your spouse, if you decide to do so be prepared to accept the downside of it---what downside?--divorce, with the resulting property split--1/2 goes to her,--aliminony---1/3 of your aftertax income going to your wife for an indefinite period in a long term--more than 10 year marriage--and a possible child custody---visitation battle--"I don't want that pervert coming within a mile of my kids"--don't tell your wife expecting that these things couldn't happen---they can and do--that doesn't mean you shouldn't be honest with her---simply be prepared for the worst.

[suanne]

With the tread topic in mind. This is a thread that can get many, many different responses. Can you stop dressing? I can't. Then......this is just a warning to the CLOSET DRESSER only. If you haven't told your SO or wife your keeping that from them for a good reason. Thats all. Nobody knows that person better than you. You and you alone must decide about your cding. It's been your secret, it belongs to you. If you were proud of it you would have shared it with them by now. Don't let anyone put you in a position of violating your conscience. You know what is best for you. I read how many are out and thats good for them. Well not for me. I am not sure I want to share this with others except on the forum. I feel pretty safe here. But no matter what, we that are in and want to stay in the closet must be careful. I don't need to give any particulars of my life other than the posts I have made while here on the forum. But I know that if caught red handed as Suanne, my life would change, and I don't believe for the best. You can only read some of the views of the GG's on this forum about how they feel about having someone keeping secrets from them. Over 50 years I have lived with this part of me as a secret kept as best as I can and it will remain so until I change my mind or die.

Suanne

[Krissi]

I told my wife early on when we were still dating. And it wasn't just a BAM! I'm a crossdresser. We had been talking for weeks about different turn ons, fantasies, etc. We eased into it. I think thats the only way to go. Not necessarily the telling them early part, but the easing in part. You drop a bomb and they will be defensive and hurt, that leads to misunderstandings and fights.

Not everyone is meant to come out to their spouse. Some are hiding for very legitimate reasons. On this forum we get a lot of threads about the best of things and then the worst of thing. It usually seems to be, she accepts me and is leading me by the hand to the mall right now to shop, or she hates me, is racing out of the driveway with the kids shooting at me as she goes.

If you are someone that wants to be dressed fully everyday, for long periods at a time, then you are taking a risk. It really is a numbers game before you get caught. Look at the number of tales of wife came home from work/trip early and I got busted threads. No matter how set you think a schedule is, you're bound to get caught. I remember as a teen locking myself in the bathroom because my parents came home early from a weekend trip so I could clean up.

No one knows your spouse as well as you do. We can give you advice, but we don't know how that one person will react. I would like to say that she won't react as badly as you fear, but that would just be comforting words. Women are funny that way, I can give my wife some good news and it will set her off sometimes.

If you are thinking about telling, take some time, don't rush. Look carefully at your situation, is it that bad? Look at how she reacts to other things, does she fly off the handle easy? And ease into it. Don't just start pointing out clothes and say wow thats pretty as your ice breaker. You have to connect with her fundementally for her to understand. Bring up dreams, edited of course can't have her hearing about your bridal desire right off. Talk about fantasies, light ones. Talk about the "crazy" thing you used to do as a kid and how it might be fun to try again now. Try anything but don't rush in and throw down the gauntlet, "I've been crossdressing behind your back this whole time and don't intend to stop for you! Just thought you should know." That leads to what else has he been lying to me about, not to mention the whole gay issue.

Sorry I got a little wordy, but this is a difficult topic with no one set right way to go about it.

[Lindahexi]

Charlene what a good thread, it is of great interest to me because this forum has definitely increased my femme feelings and ultimately made me care less about being caught. In many respects the forum has enhanced my life, I've been able to leave the closet after many lonely years, I've made new friends who have the same feelings as I have, and the knowledge that I am not alone has been a real boost for me. For many years I just thought that I was a weirdo, some kind of freak that nature had produced, but now I feel that I'm just 'different'.

I have to say though that I do think the forum is the reason that I find myself in the current situation, I agree with you wholeheartedly that reading about others having so much fun with their accepting SO's, and all the stories that the girls post has at times sent me into a fantasy world, a world where all of my femme desires become reality.

In the 'Real World' however things are not as I thought; for example since getting caught and coming out to my wife, I am unable to wear a single piece of femme clothing, the desire has gone completely. Of course it's only a couple of days that have elapsed, and it may be a temporary thing, but I think it's some sort of guilt complex. My wife has said no more about my dressing, and at the moment I just don't want her to see me dressed in female attire. I feel a bit mixed up at the moment, I'm not sure if I'm better off with my wife knowing or not, but at least the secrecy has gone which surely must be for the good.

[Julia Cross]

...and let's not forget the reality many crossdressers face. Especially for the older CD's, before the internet, many had very little knowledge about crossdressing, many, like myself likely thought we were one of the few with this kink, that it was somehow wrong, that it would go away when we met the right girl. So we didn't tell them before they fell in love with us and we got married. And then, years later, we discovered the internet, ad that wea re not alone, and that we are not a freak. But now how do we tell her?

Julia

[Wendy me]

i would have to say frist off telling your so is a good thing to do then their is trying to gain some accpentnce ... i do so belive that some people if not more read some of the posts here and think way cool i can do that and sometimes with out real good results . i say yes it can cause you to get cought if you allow your selfe to try or do something that you know your not ready for .... best thing is to tell your so ok sometimes it's like wow cool your a cd lets go shopping and do each outher's make up and sometimes it's a daster you know your so better than anyone else you can tell if it's going to work out ok or not .... bottom line rember each and every thing you do in your life will cause something to happen good or bad ...think carefuly befor you say ior do anything....

[kathy gg]

I just want to clarify that I am not saying TELLING MUST HAPPEN TO EVERY CROSSDRESSER on this list. I want to make that clear. But when I posted initally, I should have said ..If you have have no intention of ever telling ...don't ever get caught. Don't take a chance without completely weighing the the risk that will leave you to be busted in the most unpleasant way.

I know that for the older generation their wives might be closed minded to different things. I understand that some wives are really religious, or have really set ideas about gender.

And as everyone said only you know your wife, or at least I hope you do...if you cannot feasibly measure a reaction then you know what your future holds, keeping your stuff to yourself.

[pattied]

I agree that reading the threads here, can definatley make one feel like, "why be so afraid". Thats kinda what I get. My wife knew before I joined here. And I told her when I did. But I can certainlly see how being a member here could push a person to take the chance.

Good point. I really think the way to go is to make your desire (CDing or more) a subject of open conversation between you and your wife... I discussed how important it was in my relationship earlier (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=304481#post304481), but in a nutshell by not telling my wife earlier in our marraige she felt as though I didn't trust her. All I can say is this: do not make the same mistake. Talk to your significant others. Tell them how you feel. Treat them like they are your best friends, teammates and partners. The result can be extremely rewarding!:bs: